Unguarded Moment

 

She held him gently, cradling his small body next to hers. His head was turned toward her breast, his dark, downy soft hair silky smooth underneath her fingers. Tears came to her eyes and she blinked them away as she stroked his head. She bent close, placed a soft kiss on his head, then put him down. Her finger gently stoked his cheek and she closed her eyes as the tears came anew.

Across the Medical Centre, John Koenig watched as Helena Russell held the baby, Jackie Crawford, with a tenderness and maternalness that infants brought out in many women. He'd somehow not expected it from Helena. His impression of her was that of a very professional but slightly detached physician. But here she was, holding the child with the gentleness and affection he'd seen on the faces of so many of his friends' wives when they held their own children. John smiled, pleased to have seen this private, unguarded side of Helena.

Koenig straightened, preparing to cross the room to join Helena when something about her demeanor changed. The tenderness and caring were still there, but touched with sadness, with tears, with desolation. He paused, uncertain if he should reveal his presence when Helena placed Jackie back in his crib. She laid him on his back and stroked his cheek before bringing the small blanket up to his shoulders. John watched as Helena straightened and wiped tears from her cheek as she turned away from the child.

Suddenly aware she was being watched, Helena raised her eyes to meet John Koenig's gaze across the room. His expression was one of curiosity and compassion. He knew he'd caught her in a very private and unguarded moment. She wiped at the tears again, not caring if he saw.

Koenig gave Helena a tender smile and crossed the floor to join her. He stood by the baby's crib and watched young Jackie sleep.

"He's all right?" the Commander asked with some trepidation, remembering how the innocent newborn had been used in the selfish, desperate bid for survival by unscrupulous aliens.

Helena stood at the child's bedside, once again the professional. He could tell by the way she held herself, by the tone of her voice when she answered his question that whatever had moved her to tears moments earlier was once again buried where no one else would ever be able to reach.

Doctor Russell nodded. "Yes. As far as we can tell, there are no after affects whatever from Jarek's use of his birth. There may be problems later on that we aren't able to anticipate or even imagine, but for now, he's a healthy, strong newborn."

Once again Helena reached out to caress Jackie's head, to feel the soft, silky hair beneath her fingertips, but stopped just short of touching him. She blinked before the tears returned and swallowed down a hot lump in her throat.

John studied Helena for a brief moment, then reached out and touched her arm. She met his gaze and he saw the incredible pain she was feeling, an emotional pain that would never, ever be conquered.

"Helena?" John's voice held a question he did not know how to word.

She shook her head and turned away. With her back to him, John could still see her wipe tears away as she took several deep breaths to control her emotions. His heart leapt into his throat at the thought of her experiencing such an incredibly deep pain. He stepped around so he could see her face.

"Are you all right?" he questioned as he hesitantly reached out once again to touch her arm.

"I'm fine, John." The quaver in Helena's voice belied her words. She refused to look at him and let her eyes wander anywhere but to the man in front of her.

Carefully, uncertain as to how she would react, John reached for both of Helena's hands and held them gently. He met her gaze and studied her carefully. He could see she wasn't all right but didn't know if he dared ask. He had seen that kind of pain in Helena's eyes only once before, when the anti-matter Lee Russell had appeared on Alpha. He had gone to see Helena after the man's 'death', but even then the pain he'd seen on her face, in her eyes, had not been this sharp and raw.

"Tell me," he requested gently.

Something about John's tone of voice, about his gaze, and his expression made Helena swallow hard to keep herself from bursting into sobs. She wanted to tell him, she wanted to share this with him, but she couldn't. It was too private, it was too personal, it was too much.

Helena shook her head and moved away from John, heading toward her office. John watched for a moment then followed Helena into her office, closing the door behind him. She turned to face him, angry at his intrusion, but grateful as well.

"Helena, I don't mean to pry, but I can see you're not all right, you're not fine. Tell me." This time his voice was a bit more firm, almost verging on the tone of an order that both knew he had no right to issue. He was her professional superior but had no authority over her personal life.

Helena studied John for a long moment, then turned away, pacing across her office so there was as much distance between them as possible. She didn't know if she could handle this man's caring and compassion. He'd all ready seen more of her inner self than she'd allowed anyone to see in years. She wasn't sure she wanted to share more, but knew she could no longer keep it completely to herself.

Helena shook her head and took a deep breath. "I didn't think it would be this hard," she confessed.

"What?" Koenig was puzzled.

Helena turned to face John, but her gaze went beyond him, beyond her office door and out into the ward where the newborn slept.

"Him."

John glanced in the same direction as Helena's gaze then looked back at her. "Jackie Crawford?"

"Yes. I didn't think... it would... hurt... so much." Helena tried not to sob between breaths.

"Helena..." John's voice trailed off as he took a step toward her but stopped when she looked over to meet his gaze again. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her eyes revealed a sorrow he'd never before experienced.

"I... He died," she said softly.

John moved to Helena's side, frightened. She wasn't making much sense but he knew he had to stay, had to find out what had triggered this for her. He gently put his hands on her shoulders and met her gaze. "Who died, Helena?"

"... My baby."

Stunned, John's eyes grew wide as Helena's grief overwhelmed her again. She began to sob and John just gathered her into his arms and held her, rocking her gently as he tried to offer comfort for a grief he did not understand or comprehend.

Slowly, still holding Helena tightly as she continued to sob, John walked her over to the couch situated along one wall of her office. He eased them both down to the cushions and continued to hold her.

Several minutes passed before John felt Helena's sobs begin to cease. He slowly eased back until he could see her face, meet her gaze, study her red-rimmed eyes. Gently he reached up to wipe the last of the moisture from her cheeks, then gave the hand he held a tender squeeze. "Tell me," he again requested.

Helena gulped as she nodded. She closed her eyes again and took a deep breath, grateful for John's hand holding hers. She squeezed his fingers.

"I was pregnant when Lee's mission, the Astro Seven, left Earth for Jupiter. We'd had a... a last romantic weekend together three weeks before the launch date and..." Helena smiled sadly as John nodded. He knew the kind of thing she meant, he'd had a few in his own time. Helena looked past John as she shook her head and continued. "I didn't even know before he left. I had to tell him during the ten minutes a week we had for private messages. He was surprised, said he was happy, but sad too because he'd still be on the mission when the baby was born."

Helena paused as she took a deep breath to control her emotions. She glanced at John to see the compassion reflected in his eyes. He took both her hands in his and held on gently. "What happened?" he asked quietly.

Helena shook her head, as if she were still looking for an answer to that question. She smiled through her tears. "It was an easy pregnancy, no complications or problems at all. I was just starting my last trimester, at twenty nine weeks, when they told me about Lee, that the mission had been lost with all hands. The next day I realized something was very wrong. By the time I was able to get to the ER, and see an obstetrician, I was in labor. They couldn't stop it and my water broke. We had to deliver quickly, but it was too soon, he wasn't strong enough and... he died. My baby died." Her voice trailed off as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

John was stricken. He didn't know what to say. Finally he stammered, "Oh God, Helena..."

Koenig shook his head and pulled Helena into his embrace as she sobbed quietly. No wonder she was having such a hard time with the birth of Jackie Crawford. His birth had revived all those memories for her, revived all the pain she lived with daily; pain that would never go away. She'd lost her husband and her child in less than twenty four hours. He had to know. "How did you survive?" he asked.

Helena sniffled and raised her head from John's shoulder. She wiped her eyes and met his gaze, shaking her head ruefully. "I didn't. I was a mess for a long time. I knew and understood all the medical explanations for his death, that when my water broke his sterile environment was compromised and his not fully developed lungs weren't able to cope with the resulting infection. It happened so fast, he didn't even have a chance to fight, to know that I was holding him and that I loved him... He died less than two hours after he was born..."

John just shook his head, unable to imagine the pain and sorrow Helena had experienced and was still enduring every day. He reached up and trailed a finger down her cheek, wiping away the tears that were still streaming from her eyes. "I don't know what to say, Helena. If I could make this easier for you somehow, I would," he said.

Helena smiled sadly and nodded, bringing her hand up to John's as it rested against her cheek. She met his gaze. "I know, but this is something I have to deal with on my own," Helena said softly.

"Why?" Koenig wanted to know.

Helena pulled back slightly, a bit startled, uncertain of why he had asked. He asked again, "Why do you have to deal with this on your own?"

"Because..." She shook her head, unable to give John an answer. She wasn't sure she knew.

John pressed slightly. "I want to help, Helena. I have no idea, I can't even imagine what it was like for you, and still is, but I want to help. I want to be here for you if it ever gets so you can't – or don't want – to be alone to deal with this."

"John," Helena began, but he shook his head and continued.

"I know what it is like to lose a spouse to the... randomness of the universe, I know the pain and emptiness, the anger, resentment and loneliness it brings, but I don't know the pain of losing a child. I hope I never know it. But you have known it, you do know it and while I can't change it, I can't make it go away, I want to make it easier for you, if I can," John told her, the earnestness and honesty reflected in his eyes making her swallow hard.

Helena nodded and slid her arms around John's waist as she leaned against his chest. He enveloped her in a strong and supportive hug, the kind that made her want to cry all over again. Finally Helena nodded and eased away from John, sniffling as she wiped her cheeks again. She smiled weakly. "Thank you."

John just nodded and smiled with compassion. John squeezed Helena's hand, understanding that what he'd seen out in the ward had been more than it appeared. Helena had indeed been holding the newborn Jackie, but she'd also been holding and saying goodbye to her son.

"John, will there be other children on Alpha?" Helena's voice was soft and tinged with a hope she dared not admit. She met his gaze and John swallowed before answering.

"I'd like to say yes, Helena, I'd like to say it will be a reality some day, but I just don't know," was his answer.

Helena nodded, knowing well the problems they faced with trying to increase their population, with having children on Alpha. "Maybe, someday," she whispered wistfully.

John gave her hands a squeeze and met her gaze again. He could see the hope reflected in her eyes, and was amazed that she could have such hope after what she had already experienced. That hope gave John new determination and he promised himself that somehow he would find a way to make it work, so other children could become a part of Alpha, so the hope he saw in Helena's eyes could become a reality. John didn't know if he was to be a part of that for her, if he was to be the father of the hoped for children he saw in her eyes, but it didn't matter. Someday he would make it happen for Helena.

The End

by Patsy Anonymous

April 21, 2006

 

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