Fighting back the excruciating pain that wracked her body, Sandra Benes reached for her comlock to open the door to her meager apartment. On these darker days the smallest action caused severe pain. Along with the pain came an enveloping depression, pulling her down into an abyss until hope became only a distant point of light. With no hope of escape she would surrender to it. Often sleeping for days until the pain lessened and the fog lifted. She was never certain if it was the pain medication or the pain itself that caused it but it would always appear just as quickly as it came. All she could do now was wait. And try to hold on. The whole implication of her attitude disturbed her for she had always considered herself and optimist. Through out her many misfortunes she had been able to find a light, no matter how dim, at the end of her tunnel. Still, she found the cycle maddening.
Often during these times she would wonder if things would have turned out differently if she had accepted Alan Carter’s proposal and allowed himself to sacrifice his happiness for hers. Eventually, she knew that her condition would poison whatever affection he held for her until the walls of their relationship closed in on him suffocating him and the vitality that made her love him. The ensuing rift would have been considerable and irreparable.
In the years since their parting she had watched him interact with the many children around the base, most particularly the Koenig children. He treated them with great affection and they responded likewise. she admitted to herself that it would have been a shame to have denied him that or his own chance at fatherhood. Yet year after year she watched as he carried on with the children, participating as a football coach and mentoring many aspiring young athletes and still he had not married. In some vain moment she would allow herself to wonder if it was because he had not been able to find a relationship as comfortable as the one they had shared. Or that he still had some unresolved feelings for her that would not allow him to commit to another. During these weak moments she find herself imagining that he would come to her begging for a chance to marry her and make her happy. Certain that they could find a medium in the relationship that would bring them both happiness. Always the dream would fade and she would find herself alone in a dark apartment with an ugly disfigured body that would give her no relief.
As she entered the dark apartment she closed her eyes against the darkness wait for her vision to adjust. It would take very little to order the computer to turn the lights up, but at this moment she preferred the darkness. After a few moments she made her way over to her bed. Cautiously she lowered herself to it and closed her eyes. She willed the pain to leave her tormented body in peace. She touched a button on her comlock that began a program that piped in soothing music. Soon she began to relax and the pain subsided ever so slightly. She was considering having catering send over some broth and tea when the compost went off alerting her to a visitor outside her door. Reluctant to give up her hard fought serenity she waited several moments before she responded. She discouraged most visitors and was in no mood for pleasant conversation tonight. She checked the image of her caller on the screen then wasted no effort in letting Alan Carter in.
He smiled broadly as he entered carrying a covered tray. He set it down on the table the went over to assist her efforts in rising from the bed. “Sorry, love. I didn’t know you were napping. Shall I come back later?”
“No. I was just resting for a moment.” She allowed him to lead her to a straight back chair that he had made for her many years ago. For just an instant she thought she saw a look of pity on his face, but it was gone just as quickly.
“I brought some soup and bread from the commissary. I thought we might have a quiet dinner like old times.” he placed a bowl in front of her and filled her cup with hot tea before serving himself.
She silently considered his choice of words; just like old times. She warned herself not to let her imagination run wild. “Thank you.” she said as she reached for her spoon.
They ate in silence for a long time. Many times she looked up at him to see a disturbed look on his face. Twice he opened his mouth as if to speak, but closed it again when he couldn’t find the words. This only intrigued her and sparked her imagination. Finally she placed her spoon back beside her bowl and smiled at him. “Girl trouble?”
He looked up suddenly as if a nerve had been struck. Finally he smiled back, “Isn’t it always?”
Not knowing where to take it from there, she decided to try to take the pressure off him. Perhaps in his own time he would be able to tell her. “I heard you were on Loki. Did you see Tony? How is he?”
Alan gave her a quizzical look. Not only because of her abrupt change of subject, but her concern for Tony. In all the years she had never so much as uttered his name. “Not this time. I was at the beach. Although I did talk to him a few days ago about something.”
“Your girl problem.” It wasn’t a question. “Do you love her?”
Alan was amazed once again at her insight. “I think I have been in love with her since the day we met. She’s smart and beautiful and just amazing. All the time I never dreamed she felt the same way about me.”
She quickly pushed aside the disappointment the words caused. Obviously he wasn’t talking about her. “That doesn’t sound like a problem to me.”
Again his features darkened, “The problem is that I will have to sacrifice my best friend to be with her.”
She had watched a rollercoaster ride of motions cross his face and through her own pain she could see he was really troubled. As she considered his words the idea started to form. She knew John Koenig was his best friend and recently she had caught him looking at Alan like he would like to throw him out an airlock. She also knew he had a special fondness for one of the Koenig women. “Alan,” she said with great trepidation, “I know Helena loves John very much. I just can’t believe...”
Alan looked up at her with a shocked expression on his face. “Helena? NO!” He started to laugh as Sandra looked on in confusion.
She waited until the spasms of laughter reached controllable level before posing her next question, “If not Helena then who?” She e couldn’t imagine how Alan’s interest in any other woman could effectuate John’s wrath.
Alan sobered again. “It’s Emma.”
“Emma?” In her mind she inventoried the personnel of Alpha. She could remember no one named Emma except....”KOENIG?” the words came out as more of a scream than a question. Even as she said the name her mind dismissed the idea. Emma Koenig was a mere child. Yet it would explain the cold glare in John’s eyes. She was so caught up in her own thought she barely heard his reply.
“That’s right. John and Helena’s daughter.”
She looked at him incredulously, “You must be joking. She is just a child. Why it’s...”the words failed her momentarily “It is perverse, that’s what it is.”
Alan winced at her words. He had thought that himself many times before he realized it for what it really was. Even though he and Emma had been born decades apart, they were truly soulmates. “Sahn, I know what it looks like and believe me I tried to avoid it, but it’s like being pulled into a black sun no matter which way you steer you can only get sucked in.” He sighed. “It doesn’t feel dirty. It feels pure and clean and...I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before. Not even...” he looked away, “Not even with you.” He reached out to take her hand, but she quickly pulled it away. “Helena tries to understand, even though I know she doesn’t and eventually she knows John will accept it, too.” He leaned over to look her in the eye, “Just like I hope you will.”
Sandra glared at him projecting a hatred she had not felt for many years. She did not feel like accepting. She felt betrayed and alone. She couldn’t pretend to understand the feelings Alan claimed to share with Emma and whatever feeling she thought that Alan and she had felt had obviously been a lie. She had never felt so lonely yet wanted to be left alone so much in her entire life. “I think you should leave.” Venom dripped from the words.
Alan felt his heart drop to his stomach. From the beginning the meeting had not gone as he had planned. Sandra was one of the most important people in his life, and aside from John and Helena, the one he wanted to understand this the most. He got up and reluctantly started toward the door. He looked back for a moment. “We’re going to be married and it would mean so much to me if you were there.” He sighed as she looked away. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, but it was apparent she would need time. As he heard the door close behind him he wondered if she would ever give him the chance.
Sandra stared at the closed door for a long time after Alan left. She realized that with his departure she lost something very important to her and she had far too much pride to ask for it back. She was more alone now than ever. Despair surrounded her again as she made her way back to her bed. Again the pain claimed her as she reached up to wipe the solitary tear that ran down her cheek and again she felt the darkness return. This time she would not fight it.
Paula Austin
June, 2002