Maya stared at the medical monitor as Helena and Bob twiddled the buttons to get a clearer picture. Lying back on the bed, her fingers tightly clasping her husband's warm hand, the Psychon waited with increasing febrility for her friend's technology to confirm what she already felt. This child was still alive; for the first time, Maya was certain she could feel its tiny heartbeat echoing inside her. Already, her body had changed so that she couldn't transform, no doubt an instinctive precaution which would prevent her from damaging the new life within. Helena's experiments were working at last.
Maya turned to look at Tony, sitting beside her on the bed. He was watching her rather than the monitor, as if, after all these years, he still needed to memorise every feature of her face. Maya smiled tenderly; the child she wanted to give him would be the reward for his years of love and dedication.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Bob had finally got the scanner focussed and he stepped aside to reveal a blurred image on the screen. Helena observed it carefully, her long experience and training no doubt discerning some recognisable pattern in the indistinct shapes. From the look on her face, it was a good pattern.
"Tell us the truth, Helena," said Tony, his voice too grave to be serious. "Is... Is it going to be a chicken?"
Helena laughed. "No... as far as I can tell, it's going to be a boy," she looked down at the clipboard Bob handed her. "That's what the genetic analysis reveals. It looks perfectly healthy, too."
Maya was watching Tony's reaction and felt her heart jump with delight as she saw the pure joy on his face. He had said he would love to have a daughter, but Maya knew that first and foremost he wanted a son. The patriarchal tradition of human culture dictated that children should take their father's surname, and Maya knew Tony would be proud to see his own father's name carried onto a third generation of Alphans. It was something that mattered to humans.
Tony cast a quick glance at Maya and winked, before peering at the monitor again. "I guess we'll have to take your word for it, Helena." He paused and then looked down at Maya's stomach. "Wow."
"Wow is right," agreed Maya enthusiastically. She was very impressed at this turn of events herself. "We'll have to think of a name. Something to go with 'Verdeschi'."
"Uh, well, we might want to give that a few months," said Tony shortly.
Maya noticed the embarrassed look Bob and Helena exchanged and realised she had evidently made a faux pas. She hadn't realised there was some superstition attached to naming an unborn child. On the other hand, given the species' apparent difficulties in reproducing, maybe it made sense that humans would behave as if every pregnancy was going to result in a miscarriage. It would perhaps alleviate their sorrow if things went wrong. And although she was finally pregnant, Maya did realise there was no guarantee the child would live.
Tony evidently sensed her deflated mood and chucked her under the chin. "Hey, don't worry, honey. We can discuss names that go with Verdeschi all you like."
"So you're thinking about giving the child an Italian name, then?" asked Helena, who also seemed keen to humour Maya.
"I'm sure an Italian name would go better with Verdeschi than, say, Bill or Bob," said Tony, before realising what he had said. He glanced at Dr Mathias. "Um, oops. I mean, Bob is a perfectly good name, and so is Bill, but let's face it, 'Bob Verdeschi' would make the kid sound like a boxer from the Bronx or something."
"What Italian names would you suggest, Tony?" asked Maya.
"There are so many to choose from," he said, waving his hands as if to give some visual approximation of the number. "Let's see... Mauro, Angelo, Fabio, Umberto, Paolo, Marco, Stefano, Lorenzo --"
"Not to mention Antonio," suggested Bob.
Maya was puzzled by the list. "Do all Italian boys' names end with O?"
"Not exactly, but a lot of them do. It can sometimes help to tell boys and girls apart," said Tony jovially. "That was quite useful in the days when I was a little boy back in Seventies when everyone had long hair and --"
"-- Everyone mistook you for a little girl?" interrupted Maya.
"Ha-ha, very funny," he said ruefully. "Anyway, no, not all boys' names end in O. You can have Gianni, Giovanni, Salvatore -- not sure I want to call the poor mite after his grandfather, though -- Ettore, Giuseppe, Michele, Andrea..."
"Andrea? That's a girl's name in my country," said Helena.
Tony turned to grin at her. "With all due respect, Helena, in your country, Jeri is a girl's name. Anyway, I wouldn't call my son Andrea. Though I suppose it would be fun to have the same initials."
"The naming of babies is a difficult matter," said Helena philosophically, as she turned to switch off the scanner.
The doctors started to disconnect Maya from the various machines. "I think we have a few other things to worry about before names become important," added Helena, gently squeezing Maya's hand. "There's still a long way to go."
"I know," admitted Maya. "That's why I'd rather think about names."
"I'm with you there, honey," said Tony softly. "We may be in for a rough ride."
After spending an hour in the Medical Center discussing the implications of Maya's pregnancy with Helena -- or rather, listening to the two women discussing the subject -- Tony returned to his regular duties. He usually had a quiet time these days, since life on Alpha gave rise to few security issues, and most of his work involved the day-to-day administration of the base. There are exceptions to every rule, however, and this day was one of them.
The big crisis of the day was the disappearance of five-year-old Mary Osgood. She was supposed to be in school, but Annette Fraser, who was in charge of this age group, apparently lost track of her while the class was visiting the botanical section. By the time Annette did a head count back at the classroom, she was one pupil short. To be quite honest, Tony couldn't blame her. The year 2011 had been particularly fertile for the Alphan population; there were so many five-year-olds and, to Tony's eyes, they all looked so alike that he thought one was bound to get lost sooner or later.
He left Kofi to try and interrogate the children, in case one of them had a theory about their classmate's whereabouts, and in the meantime, he set off with a search party to look for the little girl. It took four hours for the child to reappear; Jim Haines eventually stumbled across her by chance in the building site that was the new section of Alpha. Little Mary had apparently decided to go walkabout because "Mummy and Daddy didn't love her anymore" -- evidently a simple case of sibling rivalry following the recent birth of her little brother Michael.
The whole adventure made Tony wonder if Alpha was providing adequate child care for its population. In fact, this was the thought which preoccupied him as he went about his routine duties for the rest of the day. Child rearing wasn't a subject which had ever interested him before, but with the image of his unborn son still fresh in his mind, Tony found himself wondering what kind of environment the second generation Alphans were going to grow up in.
It was true that a lot had been done in recent years to adapt the base to the special needs of small children. Alpha was being expanded at a frantic pace to allow growing families space to live. Food production had been augmented thanks to the first crops from Loki, and Shermeen had even discovered a way of spinning thread from a kind of flax-like plant native to the planet. This had -- nearly -- solved the problem of clothing 370-odd growing children, though unfortunately, Shermeen hadn't yet found a way of dyeing the cloth. The first generation of Lokians could have clothes of any colour they liked as long as it was powder blue.
But clothing and feeding his son wasn't Tony's main concern. He was beginning to wonder what sort of education the child would have. Tony was naturally planning to teach his offspring everything he knew and pass on the family traditions his own parents had taught him. But what about everything else? Back on Earth, with a school in every neighbourhood, Tony could have rested assured that his little boy would be given an opportunity to learn all sorts of things ranging from necessary reading and counting skills to subjects Tony himself knew nothing about, like art or biology, for instance.
But who would teach his son here? Annette? Much as he liked her, Tony was of the opinion Annette was a little too ditzy to be trusted to actually teach a child anything. Oh, she could certainly take care of children, play games with them and teach them jolly songs in French, but Tony didn't see her as having the sheer willpower necessary to make sure children learned to read. Indeed, that was a task Tony himself would have been incapable of performing; he had vivid memories of the nerves of steel some of his teachers had possessed and he knew he'd rather face a brace of hideous monsters rather than the class of 2011. On the other hand, Tony thought the issue would probably be resolved by the time any Verdeschi child needed to learn to read and write.
He was still in the midst of this reflection when he realised his shift was over. Tony smiled as he put away the paperwork he had completed and stood up to leave Main Mission. He knew it was foolish to make plans when the child was barely a foetus, but he couldn't help his mind from exploring all the possibilities of his unborn son's existence. He was looking forward to discussing all this with Maya.
He hadn't made more than a couple of steps towards the door before he was intercepted by Alan and Bill, no doubt returning from their shift in the Eagle hangar.
"Hello, mate, we were just looking for you," exclaimed Alan, giving Tony the inevitable whack on the back.
"We hear congratulations are in order," continued Bill. "Annette said Maya had her first scan this morning and you've got an all clear. It's going to be a little boy, I hear." For all the crisis with Mary Osgood, Annette had evidently still found time to spread gossip around Alpha.
Tony grinned and spread his hands. "Hey, what can I say? It was time I made my contribution to Alpha's population."
"Maya must be delighted," said Alan. "We should all celebrate."
It was definitely too early for celebrations, but Tony merely shrugged his shoulders. "Oh we'll celebrate all right. Not so sure I want you lot around, though."
The three men walked out of Main Mission. "So when are you going to join the club, Alan?" asked Tony as they made their way towards the old living quarters. "You'd better find yourself someone before you lose all your hair!"
Alan made a face and automatically smoothed the thinning strands of sandy hair on the top of his head.
"And baldy-cover-ups don't count," said Bill cheerfully. "Women can sense that sort of thing."
"Oh, I don't know, he might get away with it if he wore a toupee," remarked Tony.
"Nah. He'd just end up looking like William Shatner."
"Well, William Shatner isn't exactly the first person who comes to mind," said Tony, eyeing Alan critically. "But I must agree that he'd look very peculiar."
Bill also observed Alan thoughtfully. "Still, it'd add some variety to the animal life on Alpha. Who knows, a few years of living on his head and we might be able to get the toupee to breed."
Alan had evidently had enough of this. He stopped in the corridor and put one hand on his hip.
"Yeah, goodness knows every other inferior life form in this system seems to be breeding," he declared, looking at Tony and Bill. "Anyway, everyone knows baldness is a sign of virility. Certainly beats face fungus!"
Bill and Alan both laughed; it was Tony's turn to automatically run his hand over the offending item. He was actually very proud of his beard.
Tony shrugged his shoulders. "Ah well, what do I care what I look like? I'm a married man. It's a bachelor like you that needs to worry about that sort of thing," he told Alan good-naturedly. "Anyway, speaking of the wife, my fungus and I had better get ourselves home for some celebrating."
This time, Bill slapped his shoulder. "All right, Tony, we'll leave you to it. Annette said she might go and see Maya for a chat some time this week -- any excuse is good for some baby talk."
Bill's tone was still light and joking, but Tony wondered if there was more to his statement than met the ear. He knew that the Frasers' experiences with human reproduction had been nearly as frustrating as the Verdeschis'; even though Annette and Bill had one daughter, Dinah, they had so far been unsuccessful in their efforts to give her a sibling. It wasn't the sort of thing men discussed, so Bill had never confided in him, but Tony had got the impression this state of affairs bothered the couple more than they would admit. Maybe Annette was feeling broody.
"Give my regards to Maya," said Alan, "and you can be sure I'll be around to present my congratulations in person tomorrow."
"Have a good evening," added Bill. The two pilots continued down the corridor while Tony headed back to his quarters.
He was still chuckling retrospectively over his conversation with Bill and Alan when he entered the apartment. He wasn't surprised to find Maya wasn't in the living room; she didn't always come home after her shift, often choosing to spend some of her free time doing further research on Loki. Tony had hoped she'd be there so they could discuss the wonderful news about the child, but he could certainly wait if she was otherwise occupied.
He didn't need to wait too long before finding out where she was, though. He had no sooner taken off his belt and jacket to get comfortable than he heard her calling him from the bedroom.
"So that's where you're hiding," said Tony teasingly as he opened the door, though the sight that welcomed him silenced him immediately.
Maya was standing in front of the full-length mirror in their closet, observing herself critically and turned this way and that to get a profile view of her body. Aside from the clasp in her hair, she was wearing nothing but her wedding ring.
"I'm not sure if it's showing yet, or if I just had a lot to eat at lunchtime," she said, turning to smile at Tony. "Either way, I'm probably being very silly."
"Hey, believe me, anything that make you dress like that isn't silly." Tony stood behind her and buried his face in her abundant hair. Looking at the mirror through her auburn strands, Tony could just make out the scarlet of his left sleeve against Maya's white skin as he embraced her.
"I love you, you know," he said softly. "I love you so much I'd do anything for you. I'd give you anything, Maya."
He could see the contented smile on Maya's lips as she leaned back against him. "Oh, I think I've already got everything I want... Do you think it's showing?"
Tony disengaged himself from Maya's sweet-smelling hair to study the question more closely. He knelt down beside her so he could see her stomach in profile. Having observed both the real thing and its reflection, Tony placed a kiss on his wife's smooth skin and looked up at her with a grin.
"I think we definitely have something down here. Actually, I was wondering about that last night. But it's very early days yet," he added.
Maya nodded gravely. "I know. We shouldn't be making any plans or anything. That's what Helena said too. You're both right, of course. We're lucky we've come this far."
Tony sighed. Leaning on one arm, he ran his free hand up Maya's leg to her narrow hips, tracing indistinct patterns on her body. "I hate being so pessimistic," he said softly, "but I'm so afraid something will go wrong. It seems so extraordinary after all this time. I'd become so used to the idea that we would never have a child, and now, here we are. We've... created something. Not without a great deal of help from Helena, of course, but it's still... it's weird."
Maya knelt down beside him. "If you think it's weird for you, that's nothing compared to how I feel. This... thing is growing in me. I can feel it. I tried to transform last night, to see if I could, and I couldn't, I felt this... presence in me, a large cluster of cells that isn't really me... that feels a bit like you, but not really like either of us. I never felt that before. The other implants never became this present; they were just bits that didn't belong to me. But this one does; it's alive, I can feel it feeding off me, I can sense its life form almost as clearly as if it were a separate entity."
Maya's eyes were bright with the emotion of her discoveries, and Tony couldn't trust himself to say anything.
"I have to admit, I did have doubts," she continued. "You know I've never been very good with children; I don't feel I understand them and I definitely don't know how to treat them. But I have no doubts now. I've thought about it all day, and now I know." Maya fixed her large blue eyes on him, her sharp features purposeful and determined. "I never realised before how much I wanted this. But I do. Having a child with you is the most important thing I'll ever do, the most beautiful gift that Nature has bestowed on us. The chance to create a new life. If we succeed, then all the waiting, the hesitations, and all Helena's hard work will be rewarded. And if we fail, then at least we'll know we tried."
Tony was momentarily speechless with emotion. It took him a couple of deep breaths to get his voice back. "If we weren't already married, I'd marry you again, you know."
Maya chuckled indulgently. "And I'd say yes again, too. Especially now you have the beard."
"What is this thing supposed to be, anyway -- Some kind of competition?" asked Maya as she slid into her Shermeen flax dress. She was only in the fourth month of pregnancy, but already, none of her clothes fit her; the form-fitting fashions of the 1990s hand-me-downs that made up most of Maya's wardrobe weren't designed to allow so much as an extra inch anywhere on her body. So she was reduced to wearing a maternity dress which she hoped she would eventually fit into, but which for the moment hung loosely from her shoulders. At least it was cool, provided she wore nothing underneath it. Alpha felt so unbearably hot these days.
"Yes, there's going to be races and various games for the children," explained Tony, helping her adjust the dress. "John thought it would be nice to have a sort of Children's Day, where people would organise activities for the kids. It's the Alphan school fete, if you like. It should be good for a laugh, and it's a golden opportunity to see everyone with their kids. Come on, we've already missed half of it with you sleepyhead staying in bed all day."
Maya smiled sheepishly. She hadn't slept at all well that night, needing to go to the toilet about half a dozen times -- a phenomenon which so far only affected her at night. It was a day off for most of the personnel, so Maya had got up that morning, intending to do some work on Loki's weather system, but Tony almost immediately sent her back to bed. She had slept for four hours straight.
"Will everyone fit in the gymnasium?" she asked dubiously.
"No. And I get a feeling finding a place to watch from will be half the fun. It won't all be in the gymnasium, some of the games are taking place in the Recreation Room."
"All I'll want is somewhere to sit down."
"Don't worry, I'll order my guards to chuck someone off their seat if necessary," he promised with chuckle.
As expected, the gymnasium was full, though Tony managed to commandeer a front row seat for Maya and they watched as other people's children participated in various kinds of races, most of which earned all the participants a piece of cake. The only part that Maya found interesting was when Alex Koenig won the six-year-old's race, since he was just about the only child she knew personally.
Looking around the crowd, Maya found it fascinating to see how like their parents some of the children were becoming. She was particularly intrigued at the way some girls took after their fathers, while some boys looked like their mothers. The Koenigs were a case in point; Alex was blond like his mother, while Emma seemed to have inherited her father's features. The four Collins children, ranging from seven-year-old John to baby Matthew, all had their mother's dark blond hair and wide hazel eyes; in fact, they were all so alike that Maya found it difficult to tell the oldest boys, John and Blake, apart. Other families seemed to have inherited more variety from their parents; the five Ofori children, two girls and three boys, were a mixture of their mother's chocolate complexion and soft, rounded features, and their father's jet black skin and long, angular face. It was fascinating to see genetics at work in this large, living population.
The gymnasium was warm and overcrowded, and after a little under an hour, Maya began to feel rather claustrophobic. She tugged at Tony's sleeve and he led her out into the corridor.
"Are you all right?" he asked with concern, holding the back of his hand to her forehead. "You've gone all red."
Maya couldn't see herself, but feeling her cheeks with her hands, she could tell she was very warm. But now that she was out in corridor, she felt a lot better. "I'll be fine. It was very hot in there -- you know I've got my own central heating system these days," she said with a grin.
There was a water fountain in the corridor, an American contribution to the Moonbase design, and Tony led Maya to it. "Maybe a bit of cold water would do you good."
Maya obediently splashed water on her face and her bare arms; it did make her feel much cooler. Her appearance was evidently less startling, as well, since Tony looked relieved.
"Maya, are you all right?" she heard Helena say. Turning in the direction of her voice, Maya found her friend approaching them from the gymnasium. Other people were milling in and out of the room, and they stared at Maya as well, some smiling sympathetically, others just glancing at her before moving off.
"I'm fine," said Maya. She wondered how many more people were going to ask her that.
"It was too hot in there," explained Tony on her behalf. "You know she's been feeling very warm anyway these last two weeks."
Helena nodded. "It's not uncommon for women to experience hot flushes during a pregnancy, and you're right, it is getting very hot in the gymnasium. Alibe had to leave as well."
Alibe was one of the only other Alphan women to be pregnant at that time; most of the couples already had their full families by now. The average age of the adult female population on Alpha had recently reached 46 and few women were willing to take the risks Helena had put herself through to have children after 45. It was likely that there would be few new births until about 2030, when the first wave of Alphan children reached their twenties. Maya reflected that this would no doubt be a relief to Helena, who had spent the past eight years doing little else than monitoring pregnancies and delivering babies.
"Why don't you go and have a rest, Maya?" suggested Helena. "You know you shouldn't exert yourself too much."
Maya shrugged her shoulders. She wasn't in the mood for a rest and she knew Tony had been looking forward to seeing the various events organised for the children. "I feel perfectly all right now. Tony, maybe we can see what's up in the Recreation Room. That's where the small children are, isn't it? We can have a look and see what we're in for when this one is born."
Tony made a face. "Hmm. I'd rather let it all come as a surprise to me. You never know, watching a bunch of toddlers bawling and hitting each other might put me off altogether."
Helena laughed brightly. "Don't you believe it, Maya. I hear Alex and his little friends came to see you yesterday, Tony, and you and Kofi spent a couple of hours teaching them hand-to-hand combat."
"Um, I wouldn't go that far, let's just say we tried to teach them," said Tony with a grin. "They need to grow up a bit before they can really learn anything useful, but Alex is a fun little lad. Congratulations on him winning the race, by the way."
Helena positively beamed with pride and thanked Tony. The Verdeschis left her to return to the gymnasium while they went on to the Recreation Room. Maya smiled indulgently as she remembered how enthusiastic Tony had been when he returned home the previous night; he was full of what this little boy or that little boy had said and done during the visit. She was glad the child she was carrying was male, since it was obvious Tony had more affinity with boys than girls -- perhaps naturally so, since he himself had grown up the second of two boys.
The ambience in the Recreation Room was a lot more sedate than it had been in the gymnasium. Whatever organised event had been planned in there had either been cancelled or was already finished; it seemed that the toddlers were simply amusing themselves freely under the watchful eye of their parents.
Maya exchanged a glance with Tony; they were about to leave when Annette Fraser suddenly came up to them. "Maya! How are you?" she exclaimed. "I've been meaning to come and see you for weeks. Why don't you join us? We were all having a chat."
She indicated a cluster of women seated comfortably in a corner; Maya recognised Alibe Ofori, Kate Andrews and Yasko Fujita among the group. It was evidently an Operatives' reunion. None of the women were close friends of Maya's -- indeed, aside from Helena, she didn't really have any close female friends -- but Maya knew they all had families. Talking to them might prepare her for what was to come.
Perhaps sensing that Maya was tempted to join the women, Tony said, "I think I'll head back to the gymnasium and see how things are going." He hesitated, looking at Annette, and then kissed Maya on the cheek. "I'll see you later, amore."
Maya watched her husband leave and then joined the women, coming to sit beside Alibe.
"Ooh, stop kicking, baby," exclaimed the operative drolly, placing her hand on her round belly. "I'm getting too old for this sort of thing."
"Why did you bother having another one, then?" asked Annette unsympathetically.
Alibe scowled at her colleague. "Because I still can. Besides, if we're going to repopulate the human race, we need to make sure we have plenty of kids."
"Well, you've certainly taken care of that," said Kate, lifting a finely plucked eyebrow. "How many is this? Six? Are you hoping the Commander is going to give you a medal? You've certainly beat everyone else around here."
"Hey, it's not a competition," exclaimed Alibe, lifting her hands. "I thought I was done after the twins. I swear to God, I said I'd never have another child after those two. But there you go, you never know what's going to happen."
"I feel I deserve a medal with just two children," volunteered Yasko. "It is all so hard. I could not work and I could not do anything when I had Kyoko! I thought I would die."
Kate nodded vigorously. "I know, I had a really rough time with Helena. I was sick all the time, I felt as though I was going to throw up every time I ate anything. And the birth was agony. It wasn't like that with the boys; it's funny how each pregnancy is completely different. I had Patrick and Christopher after Helena and I didn't get half the problems..." Her eye suddenly caught Maya's and she laughed. "Dear me, poor Maya; we must be really frightening you with all our horror stories."
"Don't worry, Maya," said Alibe, placing a friendly hand on the Psychon's arm, "it's all worth it. You'll hear me bitch and moan about my brood, but you can be sure I wouldn't want to be without them. And I'm looking forward to this one as well."
"Particularly as that one will put you to the top of the list for the new apartments," said Annette wryly. Yasko looked embarrassed by her snide remark, but Kate and Alibe didn't seem bothered.
"Yeah, talking about the new quarters, I gather they look really good," said Kate. "I saw some of the plans and they seem pretty spacious. And they're going to have plants all over the place, and things like indoor gardens."
Alibe made a face. "Well, I could do without the plants and indoor gardens if I could just get my family into a bigger flat. Gardens are all very well, but they take a long time to take root, and that's what's taking them so bloody long to finish the new section. Besides, I hear these quarters are only going to have three bedroom. What the hell good's that for me and my six kids?"
"Maybe they will let you have two flats," suggested Yasko. "They have let you take up two sets of quarters in the old section."
"Only after I made a fuss. We're encouraged to have lots of children, but there's nowhere to put them!"
"Yeah, it's taken far too long to get those flats finished," agreed Kate. "We've been here eight years, after all!"
"The new quarters will be available in a few month's time at most," Maya reminded them, outraged at the gratuitous complaints. "You know the delay isn't due to the plants or the ill-will of the organisers. Building a foundry and designing the appropriate machinery to make the new sections wasn't exactly easy. We had the resources all right, but you need to have the necessary equipment to actually do something useful with the raw materials. Especially when building this new section meant constructing a new life support system and razing some of the Lunar mountains to the ground. I'm only surprised it didn't take longer."
"You are right," said Yasko with a nod. "I am looking forward to moving into the new section. I am sure it will be very nice there."
Alibe seemed less conciliatory. "It can't be worse than the conditions we're living in now." She shrugged her shoulders and her expression softened as she looked at Maya's pale blue maternity dress. "Maybe you'll be joining us in the new section, Maya," she said gently. "Would you like to have more children, after this one?"
Maya smiled shyly and looked down at her dress. "I suppose it would be nice to have more than one child," she admitted. "I know Tony would like more; he really likes children."
"He does," agreed Alibe. "Kofi told me what fun the pair of them were having yesterday, playing with the boys. He said Tony is a natural for organising games."
"I'm surprised he didn't volunteer for the Children's Day today," said Kate. "Still, it's just like a man to want lots of children. It's easy for him, he doesn't have to make them!" The other women laughed. "Ben is the youngest of a family of ten, and he had this idea that we were going to do the same as his mother. I told him straight: you can't start a family of ten at thirty-six! Four was as much as I could do, thank you very much! And now time has definitely run out: next stop, hot flushes and osteoporosis."
"No need to be so cheerful about it," snapped Annette. "Time is running out on everyone."
"Oh don't be such a mis, Annette," said Alibe impatiently. "By the way, when's the baby due, Maya?"
"Oh, not for another five months yet."
"Five months. You've still got it all ahead of you, swollen feet, backache, sudden cravings. I'm glad I'm almost finished with all that. Another two months and this little girl --" she pointed to her belly "-- is definitely the last. By the way, have you thought about names yet, Maya?"
"It's a bit early, isn't it?" said Kate.
Alibe shrugged. "For what it's worth, this one is going to be called Fatuma. Kofi and I have always chosen the names as soon as we knew what sex the baby was, and it's never brought us bad luck."
"We have been thinking about names," said Maya. "As far as I can remember, it was a Psychon tradition to name a child almost as soon as it was conceived. Mind you, my memory of Psychon traditions are hazy at best," she admittedly quietly. "Anyway, I think we've just about decided to call him Angelo."
Alibe guffawed and Maya looked at her curiously. "Sorry, Maya, it's just... I get very strange associations of ideas sometimes. Most Italian names make me think of restaurants... There was a Pizzeria d'Angelo just around the corner when I lived in Houston."
"Pay no attention to her," said Kate, "she's a prejudiced old biddy. Angelo is a lovely name. It means 'angel', doesn't it?" Maya nodded. "I think it's a lovely idea to give him an Italian name. Names are very important; I think someone once said they're the soul of a people or something. I think Alpha will lose a lot if everyone keeps giving their children English names. I mean, I had to because I'm English, and all Ben's relatives had names like that, too. But I like the way Alibe and Kofi have given their children African names. Doesn't Dinah have a French middle name, too, Annette?"
Annette smiled. "She's named after her maternal grandmothers: Dinah Françoise."
"John! What are you doing here?" exclaimed Kate suddenly as her eldest son hopped into the room. She stroked his soft brown hair as the little boy explained.
"We're going to the new section. Tony and Alan and Bill and... and..." The boy frowned as he tried to remember who else was involved. He finally pointed at Alibe. "And her husband. They're going to teach all the big boys to play soccer. Or maybe Australianan football. But they said to see if it's all right first."
"If Bill and Tony are going along, I think you're going to get a lesson in soccer rather than 'Australianan' football," said Kate. "All right. Run along."
"Sounds like Scoutmaster Verdeschi is at it again," said Alibe good-naturedly once the boy had left. "The man definitely deserves some kids of his own."
Maya smiled placidly, and placed her hands on her stomach, pleased to know that Tony was going to get what he deserved.
Like everyone else in Main Mission, Maya was watching David Kano with anticipation as he ordered Computer to compile the poll results. Area 3 on Loki -- the site of Maya and Tony's wedding -- was finally going to get a proper name. Following Maya's recommendation the previous Summer, a small base had been built into the cliffs at Area 3 during the Autumn, to serve as a communications relay station, and work had also started on an Eagle hangar in the same area, though that wouldn't be finished until the Alphans returned to Loki after the Winter.
In the meantime, as the Alphans were currently enjoying a period of calm, John had decided to run a base-wide poll to give the place a name. Some wise guys in the first survey team -- Tony prime among them -- had dubbed the place "Dover" because of some place on Earth famous for its white cliffs, but John wanted the whole population of Alpha to have a say.
"We're still waiting for everyone to vote on Alpha," announced David, "but the votes from Ceres II are 9-1 in favour of keeping the name Dover."
"And that concludes the vote of the Ceres II jury," quipped Tony.
"Dover, nine points. Douvres, neuf points," added Bill cheerfully.
There was a chuckle from the Europeans in the room. "Right, I think that's enough Eurovision Song Contest jokes," said David. He quickly read through the results on his terminal. "Dover it is," he said finally. "90% in favour. The other suggestions 'Beta', 'Loki 1', 'New Haven' and 'New Alpha' get a collective 10% of the votes."
"New Alpha," scoffed Alibe, who was sitting beside Maya. "I wonder what idiot thought that one up. Talk about unoriginal!"
Although Alibe was just six weeks away from her confinement, she often wandered into Main Mission to chat with her fellow operatives; today, she had come to enquire about the completion of the new quarters. It appeared that some of the flats would be opening within a month.
Kate was standing just behind them. "Can't be worse than calling the place Dover," she said. "I don't know if you ever went there, Alibe, but that was one dreary place. It only existed because of the ferries to France."
"Well, this Dover only exists because of the Eagles to Alpha, so I guess the name still fits," said Alibe placidly.
Maya smiled politely at this comment though she had no opinion on the subject. She thought the name Dover sounded very exotic and mysterious.
"What? You don't know your Vera Lynn classics, Bill?" said Kate. "I'm sure we have that song in the databanks somewhere. Goodness knows we seem to have every piece of music ever written in there."
Maya remembered Tony explaining that Vera Lynn was a very famous English singer from the time of World War II - the English often mentioned her these days because of the song about Dover. Before Bill and Kate could get too involved in their conversation about this Vera Lynn, John intervened and called everyone to order. Leaning on the console beside Sandra's desk, he indicated that she should put him through to base wide communications.
"All right, everybody," he announced with a smile, "your votes have been counted, and Dover it is. Our return date there will be February 2019, that's the beginning of Year 11, when we'll be starting to look into the possibility of a more permanent base down there. Now, in the meantime, we have a lot of work to do here on Alpha, not least to finalise and start using the new section. I can now announce that the new facilities will be opening in three week's time. In the first phase, there will be nineteen three-bedroom apartments available. Computer has already selected the families who will be allocated to these quarters, and if you're one of those families, you will be notified. Coordinators for this process will be Tanya and David Kano, so if you have any queries, let them know. Of course, the corridors, public gardens and any other facilities in the new section will be for all to enjoy. I hope you are all as excited as I am about this new chapter in Alpha's history. Now that we have our construction work rolling, we can all look forward to improved living conditions for ourselves and our families in the years to come. Thank you. You may now all return to your duties."
Sandra closed the communications. John signalled for Tony to come with him and then walked up the steps to his office. They were no doubt going to discuss the security implications of the new sections, which would double Tony's jurisdiction as security chief.
"Hey, David," called out Alibe, leaning over Maya's desk. "What are the criteria for admission anyway?"
Ensconced in his computer console, David twirled around to look at her. "Don't you worry, Alibe. You and your family meet every one of them, as do the Collinses and the Vincents." He nodded in the direction of Kate, who had gone back to her task of monitoring the computer. "Basically, anyone with three children or more qualifies. After that, if there are not enough flats, other criteria like the age of the children come into play. But as I said, it's not something you have to worry about."
"You're not going to tell me there are only nineteen families on Alpha with three children or more," insisted Alibe.
"It doesn't really matter," intervened Maya. "With families moving to the new section, there will be more room in the old section. So even if a family doesn't get a new flat this time around, they'll still have more space over here." She really couldn't see why Alibe was making such a big deal about who got what quarters.
"Yeah, I suppose so," conceded Alibe; satisfied that the argument was over, David returned to his work. "I think living in those cramped quarters of ours is going to my head."
"I can sympathise," said Maya. "Even though it's just me and Tony in our quarters, there are only two rooms, so it's a bit difficult to get out from under each other's feet! I don't know how we'll manage when we have the baby. Though I suppose it will be quite nice and cosy, the three of us in there," she added dreamily, picturing the idyllic scene.
"Alibe, I am sure Maya has some work to do." Maya looked up to find Sandra standing beside her. The senior operative's face was serious as she looked down at Alibe.
"Oh, come on, Sahn, I'm sure Maya can tell me herself if she wants to get rid of me," said Alibe, shaking her head in disbelief.
Sahn's expression remained cold. "Main Mission is no place for gossip; I am not stopping either of you from chatting somewhere else, but you are not supposed to be here at all, Alibe. You are off duty and should remain outside Main Mission." Having said what she had come to say, Sahn returned to her own post facing the viewscreen.
"Alpha's resident spinster goes out to seek revenge," commented Alibe. It occurred to Maya as she heard her colleague say this that she didn't really like Alibe. The only thing they had in common right now was their mutual condition.
"I guess I'd better leave," continued Alibe, slowly pulling herself to her feet. "I'll call you later and we can continue our chat." Maya nodded and then winced as she felt a sudden surge of nausea. "Are you all right, Maya?"
Maya thought she was all right for a moment, but then felt another bout of nausea. She wondered if she was getting morning sickness after all, though evidently not in the mornings. So far, her only adverse reactions to the pregnancy were hot flushes, sleeplessness and hair loss. And she could quite frankly do without any more symptoms.
The nausea stopped, and Maya was about to get up and go to the Medical Center when she was seized with a sudden stomach cramp so violent she doubled up in pain. She clutched her stomach, whimpering instinctively until the pain passed. She relaxed, her face still bent over her knees; she could hear the pounding of her heart in her ears, and the acrid taste of a drop of sweat trickled into her mouth.
The pain came again and Maya clenched her teeth and closed her eyes so tight they began to water. The pain subsided a little again and she became once more vaguely aware of her surroundings. She was still sitting on her chair, and she could see Alibe's brown hand brushing her hair out of her face and hear the woman's voice calling her a poor baby. Another wave of agony hit her and she felt as though she might pass out. She didn't, unfortunately; her mind remained unwaveringly conscious through wave after wave of pain.
"Maya, amore, che cosa te è successo?"
She could feel Tony's hand on her shoulder; in her heightened state of awareness, she could even smell him as he crouched down beside her. She couldn't look at him, she was feeling too ill to see the sympathy that would no doubt be in his face, in all their faces. In between cramps, she felt a strand of hair tickling her forehead. She unfurled herself just enough to pull one of her hands from her stomach to scratch her face, but she never got that far. As soon as her hand was in her field of vision, she froze, staring at it uncomprehendingly. It looked as though it was covered in blood.
"And how is Maya doing?"
Tony smiled politely and delivered the usual platitudes as Tanya Kano became about the fifteenth person to ask him that in the last couple of days. Taking place in Main Mission as it did, the miscarriage had attracted a maximum amount of well-meaning interest from Alpha's population. Maya, recovering in the Medical Center, was spared the cortege of well-wishers, but Tony had nowhere to hide. Even though he was off-duty on compassionate leave, he still had to venture into the corridors to go and visit his wife. And then they'd flock towards him, all sympathy and curiosity, benevolent but ultimately irritating, as they asked him over and over again how Maya was, how she felt about all this, when she would be getting better.
Nobody ever asked Tony how he felt.
It was as if he was a non-entity in this equation, just a mere vessel for the information about Maya's health and state of mind. People seemed to assume that because he wasn't the one lying in the Medical Center, he had no personal involvement in this matter. It was true that he had no physical injuries; all he had done was watch helplessly as Maya haemorrhaged, doubled up in excruciating pain. But it didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Tanya seemed satisfied with his answer about Maya feeling a bit better; her children were clamouring for her attention, so she trotted off down the corridor with the kids hopping alongside her. It seemed so easy for some, thought Tony wistfully. After what had happened, the sight of any happy family was wont to bring a lump in his throat. He swallowed hard and continued on his way to the Medical Center.
Helena was in her office with Bob; she stood up and approached the door as soon as she saw Tony come in.
"Tony, how are you?" was the first thing she asked, placing a friendly hand on his.
"Okay," he said with a shrug, though he was relieved to know someone realised he needed asking. "How is Maya?"
"She's stable. Come and sit down." Helena guided Tony to a chair and then went to sit down in her own seat. "Maya is asleep right now and I'd rather let her rest as long as possible. The synthetic blood Jeremy created seems to be working well, but we still have to be very careful. She's very weak."
Tony nodded, aware that the lack of any other Psychon on Alpha had always been a hindrance in treating Maya. In particular, it had meant in the past that there was no blood to transfuse if Maya was injured. Fortunately, Jeremy Devers, ever resourceful, had eventually found a way of synthesising Maya's blood which was now being put to good use. Tony felt suddenly guilty for his earlier irritation at everyone asking him how she was. They were right; she was the one who had suffered the most. Without Jeremy's synthetic blood, she could have died. What was he complaining about?
"I thought we should discuss what has happened," said Bob. "And what impact it's having on you."
Tony lowered his eyes. "I think Maya is the one you should be worrying about."
"We're concerned about Maya," said Helena. "But I know you were looking forward to having the baby too. How do you feel?"
"How do you think I feel?" snapped Tony, annoyed at the banality of the question. He tried to keep his calm, but finding that he couldn't, he buried his face in his hands instead. "O dio. How do you think I feel? But that won't help Maya, will it?"
His eyes still closed in his hands, he felt someone's hand on his shoulder -- Bob's, presumably, since Helena was sitting on the opposite side of the desk. "Maya might be the one who had the miscarriage, but you both lost the baby," he heard Bob say. "You mustn't feel guilty or blame yourself for wanting to grieve too, or feel that you don't have a right to feel bad because you're still healthy."
Tony realised these were rehearsed words, a speech Bob had probably had to recite to dozens of disconsolate fathers. But he could see its usefulness; already, he felt better, knowing that his distress was recognised and legitimate. He ran his hands over his face with a sigh.
"I tried so hard not to get my hopes up, you know," he explained. "But it seemed... everything seemed to be going so well. I mean, the odds of Maya even getting pregnant and carrying the child this far were pretty slim. All the other... ones just disappeared or got rejected within a couple of weeks." He caught Helena's eye, remembering the trial and error that had finally led to this pregnancy. "I couldn't help thinking this was the right one, that this time, we'd make it." He interrupted himself with a sigh. "I guess we were a bit over optimistic."
"There can be a next time," said Helena encouragingly. "You mustn't give up. You're right; the fact Maya got this far is a sign we're on the right route. We can try the same gene therapy the next time Maya is fertile, but monitor the pregnancy a lot more closely this time. I've already started to revise everything we did during the pregnancy, to see if I can find any clue as to what caused the miscarriage."
Tony was puzzled. "You don't know why this happened?" He had assumed it was simply some problem with the baby.
Helena shook her head. "There are no obvious causes. I gave Maya a check-up barely a week ago, but she was fine. The baby was healthy too; there was no sign there might be any problem. It's possible that it was simply a spontaneous miscarriage, but I want to see if there were any external factors."
"The baby was healthy..." repeated Tony, realising he hadn't thought about the baby yet. He remembered seeing its little head bobbing up and down on the ultrasound. "What happened to the baby?"
"The body is in the mortuary," Bob informed him. Tony noticed that he glanced at Helena before continuing, "we were going to ask you what you would like us to do with it."
This was something that hadn't even crossed Tony's mind. Of course, there had been a baby, a really small one, but one which was dead now, so there had to be a corpse. He wondered if Helena had kept the bodies of all the miscarried children on Alpha. The thought made him shiver and he remembered the nightmares he had had after his grandmother told him about non-baptised babies going into Limbo, when he'd imagine some dark area filled with the souls of dead babies. Nightmares which had stopped when his father firmly told him there was no such place.
"What we... oh, I-- I don't know," stuttered Tony, rapidly dismissing his ludicrous musings. Of course Helena hadn't kept the bodies! "I suppose we should bury him. It was a boy, wasn't it?" he asked, in case he should have said 'bury her'.
Helena nodded sadly, momentarily hesitating as her mind no doubt lingered on some memories of her own.
"Yes, it was a boy," she said finally. "He died about five minutes after Maya arrived in the Medical Center. There was nothing we could do."
Tony knew that much, and indeed, he wasn't about to blame Helena or anyone else. It had just happened this way. But the thought that, for five minutes, he had had a living son was very... strange. Sad, also, to think that the boy had lived and yet died so quickly because no one could do anything for him. Fearful that he might burst into tears if he thought about that for too long, Tony forced himself to think about the dead body and what to do with it.
"I'd have to talk to Maya, of course," he said, struggling to regain his composure. "I'm not sure if Psychons need anything special in cases like this. There might be something she wants to do with the... body."
Tony didn't feel he needed to know what the baby had looked like, but in his mind's eye, he couldn't help trying to picture the child. He had seen pictures of foetuses in the womb and imagined this one as looking very similar, only not in the womb and... dead. A lot more affected by this than he would have expected, Tony interrupted himself and looked down at his hands.
"Tony... Obviously, you need to talk to Maya," started Helena. "But I'd like your permission to examine the body. It might offer some clues as to what happened."
"You want to do an autopsy," said Tony.
"It might help us if you decide to try again."
Tony didn't have any objections to her doing an autopsy; they could presumably bury the baby afterwards. The idea of trying again didn't appeal right then, but he knew that after the shock of the miscarriage was over, his feelings would probably change. He did still want a child with Maya, and if this unfortunate baby could give them a clue how to have a child successfully, then it was worth letting Helena do an autopsy.
"You need to think carefully about trying again, though," advised Bob cautiously. "We can't be sure you'll ever succeed. We're dealing with a great deal of unknown factors, and you mustn't put yourself or Maya through too much trauma over this."
Must be being so cheerful keeps you going, thought Tony wryly. He knew Bob had never been in favour of the Verdeschis trying to have a child. In a way, Tony could understand that. Despite the exponential population increase in the last eight years, the Alphan doctors still weren't expert obstetricians or geneticists. As Bob had warned the couple when Helena first set about finding a method for them to conceive, it wasn't as if the Alphans even had any idea how Psychon pregnancies usually progressed. There were numerous differences in Maya's reproductive cycle which didn't fit in with the way human women ovulated, conceived and gestated. The doctors were tampering with the unknown.
"I think we'd still like to continue the treatment," started Tony, "but this depends on how Maya feels. Obviously, we'll do whatever she decides."
There was a discreet knock on the door. Looking around, Tony saw one of the nurses, Anke Neuhaus, standing in the doorway.
"Doctor Russell," she said, casting a sympathetic glance at Tony. "You asked to be told when Maya woke up..."
"Thank you, Anke." Helena stood up and indicated the way to the ward. "Tony, we can go and see her now. I'll do a quick check up and then I'll leave you alone."
Tony nodded his approval of this plan and followed Helena into the ward. He wasn't particularly looking forward to talking with Maya. Just seeing her in the medical ward the previous day had made him burst into tears, and he was afraid he would put on a similarly undignified display today. But there were several things he needed to discuss with her; whether to allow Helena to conduct an autopsy, whether they should continue the treatment and try for another child. Together, they could make their decisions and face the future after this tragedy.
Tony observed Angelo's tiny corpse for so long that Maya began to worry he might be suffering some kind of breakdown. But then he finally looked up at her and smiled wanly.
"He's beautiful," he said simply.
Maya wasn't sure that was the most appropriate remark under the circumstances, even though she had to admit there wasn't anything unattractive about the baby. It -- he -- looked like a miniature waxwork doll, wrapped up in a tiny piece of Shermeen flax that covered his body and head, revealing only his ashen face, eyes closed above the dark streaks on his cheeks. Helena had brought him to them in the Medical Center after finishing her autopsy. He was laid out on a tray, ready to be completely wrapped in his pale blue shroud and taken to be cremated and then buried in Alpha's catacombs.
The little Maya remembered of Psychon traditions dictated that any child who had lived outside the womb should be named and treated as a person. Little Angelo had survived his untimely birth by a full 5.07 minutes. In some ways, it was difficult to believe this creature was the one that had been living inside her until barely a week ago. Lifeless as he was now, the baby meant nothing to her. She felt sadness that he hadn't lived, but no connection now he was dead.
"I'm glad we were able to see him," continued Tony, wrapping his arm around Maya's shoulders. "I didn't think I would be, but I am. It makes it more real, in some ways. More real to me -- I mean, it was all pretty real to you..." He let his voice trail off, perhaps afraid he was being insensitive.
"No, you're right," said Maya, her eyes still on the tray. "It's a way of saying goodbye."
She reflected that she hadn't often had an opportunity to say goodbye to her loved ones when they died. The only person she ever remembered lying on their deathbed was her mother Solvikt, and that was so long ago she could barely recall what her mother had looked like.
Helena was standing on the other side of the table, also observing the figure on the tray. "Would you like me to record his name now?" she asked after a pause.
Maya nodded and looked expectantly at Tony. Taking her cue, he said, "His name is Angelo Atran Verdeschi. We want him to be recorded as our first child."
Maya looked from her husband to her friend, aware that neither of them had been particularly keen to name and register the baby. They thought it was born too early to deserve a name; miscarried after barely 16 weeks, the foetus had had no chance of survival. Humans seemed to believe that a child was only a person when it was born beyond a certain point in the pregnancy, when it was old enough to live independently of its mother. There was logic in that assumption, the logic of a species where failed pregnancies were not uncommon. But Tony and Helena had finally bowed to Maya's Psychon custom, even though it wasn't theirs.
Having typed in Angelo's official registration, Helena turned back to the tray and, after a quick look at Tony and Maya to make sure they agreed, she covered the baby's face in his shroud. Over the years, Alpha's medical team had taken on the ungrateful job of being Alpha's undertakers as well, and Helena would oversee the cremation before arranging for the burial the next day.
His arm still around Maya, Tony guided her out of the Medical Center. It was late evening; there was no one in the corridors as they walked back to their quarters. The couple walked in silence, united in their shared grief for the little boy who was not to be. Maya remembered all the plans she and Tony had made, even though they knew they shouldn't make plans when things were so uncertain. Helena had warned them that the pregnancy might end like this. They shouldn't have got their hopes up so high in the first place.
"Do you want something to drink?" asked Tony once they had reached their quarters. "A tea? Coffee? Something stronger?"
Sitting down on the sofa, Maya smiled politely and shook her head. Tony returned her smile half-heartedly, his pale face echoing her own sad feelings. She watched him as he walked into the kitchen area and opened one of the cupboards, taking out a bottle of vodka. There was always plenty of vodka on Alpha these days; part of the last potato crop at Area 3 -- "Dover" -- had yielded bitter tasting tubers because of a fungal infection. The infection didn't make the potatoes unfit for human consumption, just very unpleasant to eat, so the Agricultural Section had come up with the idea of transforming most of the crop into vodka. The fungus supposedly gave the vodka a "better" taste, though Maya kept away from the stuff.
Having thinned his vodka with some water, Tony came back to sit beside her. There was a long pause, during which Maya considered the possible means of combating the potato fungus. It wasn't her job or her field of expertise, but she had read the Agricultural Section's report on the incident and countering the infection sounded like quite a challenge.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Tony gently, running his fingers down a thin strand of her hair.
"Potatoes," said Maya. Tony looked understandably surprised and Maya shook her head mournfully. "After all this, I think about potatoes. I must be going silly."
"Actually, I was thinking this vodka isn't bad," admitted Tony, looking down at the colourless drink. "I never liked vodka; I'm a wine and beer man myself. But this isn't so bad... If you like things that taste like a cross between watered down mushrooms and Eagle fuel."
"Oh, so it's not all that different from that beer you used to make," said Maya brightly.
Tony smiled reluctantly. "Hey, they're still using some of my recipes to make the stuff nowadays... Funny, I'd nearly forgotten about all that. Everyone making fun of my beer; it gave people a chance to laugh even if they didn't drink it... I sometimes think life was simpler then."
"It was." Her artificially cheerful mood deflated, Maya leaned against Tony, resting her cheek on his shoulder. "Oh, Tony, what are we going to do?"
"The same as everyone else: get on with our lives. Pretend it never happened. Get used to people treating us as if we have the plague, pregnant women keeping away as if it were catching, most people hesitant to speak to us because they don't know what to say, then others being falsely cheerful and inquisitive because they think bringing everything out into the open is any help." Perhaps realising that Maya was puzzled by the detail in his description, Tony explained, "One of my cousins lost a child in infancy. It was a cot death; they put their baby down one night and it was dead in the morning. My cousin said it was as if he and his wife were pariahs all of a sudden. Their family and friends, especially the women who had been to Paola's antenatal classes just stopped talking to them..."
"It won't be the same for us," said Maya gently. "I can't see the likes of John and Helena ostracising us. The others, I don't know, but then they're not really friends of ours, are they?"
Tony's smile had returned. "Speak for yourself, Miss Sociable," he said, unable to resist a joke even in this dark hour. "But you're right; people will forget. And who cares what they think?"
"Exactly." Maya paused for a moment, her mind going over their friends and acquaintances. Something occurred to her. "Do you know what happened to Alibe? She was in the Medical Center this week, wasn't she?"
Tony stared at Maya, perhaps surprised to hear her ask about someone else's confinement when her own pregnancy had ended so badly. It was a long time before he answered. "Their baby was five weeks premature," he said finally. "But I gather it's going to be fine; a little girl called Fatuma... Kofi didn't know where to look when I met him yesterday. That's when I realised we're likely to get the same treatment as Claudio and Paola."
"I wonder if it was..." Maya decided not to voice that thought. She wondered if Alibe's labour had started prematurely because she had witnessed Maya's miscarriage in Main Mission. Maya knew she should feel some guilt or sadness, but she felt nothing; it was as if the thought of having caused such pain was so terrible that her emotions had shut down, unable to cope.
"We'll be all right next time," she said decisively, without thinking.
Tony was silent for a while; Maya saw his Adam's apple slide up as he swallowed hard. "Oh baby..." he whispered. "Can we really go through all this again?"
"Of course we can," said Maya, though she didn't feel so sure. They had both told Helena they wanted to try for another baby in a few months' time, but what if the same thing happened again? After feeling nothing but apathy in the Medical Center, Maya remembered little Angelo and suddenly wished she could have held him in her arms during the five minutes of his existence. "We have to try again," she said.
Tony nodded mutely and wrapped his arms around her, demanding comfort from her embrace. Maya leaned back on the sofa, drawing him with her so that his head was resting on her chest. Tony was usually the one who had all the answers, the one who knew instinctively how to overcome the problems that everyday life threw at them. Maya's expertise was solving technical problems, Tony's in handling emotional ones. But this was a problem that neither of them could solve.
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