Building A Bridge
by Barbara Conrady
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In this approximately infinite universe
I know a girl who’s in constant hell
No love or pill could keep her cool
Cause there’s a thousand holes in her heart
And the wind of the past blows through her heart
The wind of the universe blows off her soul
Telling her there’s nowhere to go
“Approximately Infinite Universe” – Yoko Ono
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Alpha, Year 22 (2030)
Tony and Maya Verdeschi stepped out of the travel tube. “Ahhh…” Tony let his eye wander around the familiar place. “It’s good to be home.”
“Home?” His wife frowned slightly, turning to him. “Our home is on Loki.” She sighed. “I wish we were already back.”
“Oh come on, cara.” He put his arm around her and gave her a light squeeze. “We hardly ever come here at all. Only once in a blue moon. – That’s an old Earth expression,” he explained when he saw her puzzled look. “And this is a special occasion. We’re here to attend the wedding of Emma and Alan. Spend some time with old friends.” He felt her wince slightly, but didn’t comment on it. “We’ll have a good time,” he said confidently.
“ I hope Toto is doing well with the Habibis,” Maya murmured as they made their way to their guest quarters.
“Toto will be just fine. He’s a clever boy and getting on well with everyone. And you know Giovanna and Rachid – they’ll take good care of our junior. He’ll surely have a lot more fun there than here on Alpha with all that wedding ceremony and party stuff. Such things are boring for a young boy. – Ah, there we are.” He turned to his wife and smiled, then opened the door.
One hour later, after Tony had left to meet the Commander, Maya was unpacking her bags, critically viewing her clothes while trying to decide what she should wear at the wedding reception two days from today. She was so absorbed that she jumped when she suddenly heard a chime from the door. The monitor showed the face of Emma Koenig, soon to be called Mrs. Carter.
“Aunt Maya!” The young woman whisked into the room with a beaming smile, holding out her hands.
“Emma!” Maya returned the smile and took the girl’s hands, watching her closely. “You look wonderful. I’m sure you’re pretty nervous about your big day!”
“Well…” Emma laughed with sparkling eyes, pushing back her long black curls. “I’m a little nervous of course, but mostly I just feel happy. It’s going to be so wonderful. I can’t wait until…” She interrupted herself and looked at Maya with an earnest expression. “But that’s not what I came to talk to you about.”
A little surprised, Maya motioned her to take a seat. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes, there is.” Emma sat down on the sofa, but instead of comfortably leaning back she bent forward, her eyes sternly fixed upon the Psychon woman. “You can at last make your peace with Mom.”
Maya almost dropped the jug of fruit tea she was just going to place on the coffee table. She took a deep breath. “Emma… I’m afraid you don’t quite understand the situation.”
“That’s right, I don’t understand what this is all about. I don’t know what actually happened between you and Mom. But last night I was looking at the pictures of my parents’ wedding, and - you were the maid of honour.”
Maya’s lips were a thin line as she slowly sat down on a chair opposite her young visitor.
“You two must have been really close once. And I vaguely remember when I was little, I often saw you talk and laugh together. But then, some time, it was over. You didn’t come to see us anymore, and Mom always got this sad look when somebody mentioned your name.” She frowned. “I guess it all started with… some medical problem,” she said, obviously trying to be tactful. “But that’s none of my business, of course. I just see that Mom is unhappy with the situation, and I’m sure you are as well.” She stood up. “There’s no time to lose. Dad and Uncle Tony are together now and probably won’t be back too soon, so now’s the chance!” She was already standing by the door and looked impatiently at the other woman.
“Emma, wait!” Maya felt uneasy. She followed Emma to the door and raised her hands in a calming gesture. “Is your mother expecting me? Maybe she’s got some other plans…”
“No, she’s alone in the apartment now. And she doesn’t know I’m asking you to come – I think it’s better to surprise her.”
Maya shook her head and stared in front of herself. “I’m not sure if all this is such a good idea. You’re right: We were close friends once. But – things have changed. I’m afraid your mother and I don’t have much to say to each other anymore.” Seeing the troubled look in the girl’s eyes, she managed a little smile and said, “Alright, I promise I’ll go to see her and say hello. But I really don’t know if our conversation will go any further than that.”
“Well, try anyway. Seize the opportunity now. You two need to work this out,” she said firmly.
“Yes, Commander!” Maya couldn’t help laughing. Emma Koenig was so much like her father it was almost comical at times.
Emma smiled, but her expression immediately turned serious again. “Actually, this is not funny, you know. I really meant every word I said.”
“I know.” Maya looked serious too as she led her visitor out of the guest quarters. Gently touching Emma’s arm, she said, “Thank you for coming, Emma. Say hello to Alan, and… I’ll see you both tomorrow.”
Why am I so nervous? Maya asked herself with a feeling of irritation when she stood in front of the entrance door to the Koenigs’ quarters. – This is no big deal actually! It’s a matter of courtesy. I’ve known Helena for many years, and regardless of how we feel about each other now, her daughter is getting married, so it’s a proper thing to go and have a few words with her. Besides, I promised Emma I would at least say hello.
Pulling herself together, she used her slate to announce her visit.
“Maya! How good to see you.” The smile on Helena’s face revealed the sincerity of her words.
“I hope I’m not disturbing you.”
“Not at all! Come on, have a seat. I just made some coffee.” She bustled about in the kitchen area and then returned with a tray. “How’s Salvatore?” she asked while settling on the sofa opposite Maya.
“He’s fine, thanks.” The answer came quick and sounded snappier than Maya had intended. She tried to breathe deeply. Come on, relax. No need to get resentful now. This is not the time. And it’s useless anyway. “He’s staying with the Habibis,” she added, trying to sound friendly.
“I see.” Helena nodded thoughtfully, then gave a light smile while pouring the coffee for them. “I’m really glad to see you, you know,” she said softly and placed the coffee-pot on the table. “It’s been a long time since we’ve been together like this.”
Maya couldn’t help but return her smile, although she was beginning to feel uncomfortable. “Well, actually your daughter ordered me to go and see you, so I didn’t have a choice!” she said in a light tone.
Helena chuckled and shook her head. “Sounds like Emma.”
The two women exchanged another smile and took a sip of their coffee.
Maya knew it was now her turn to say some nice and polite words about Emma and the wedding and how proud Helena must be of her daughter, but her throat seemed to be choked up. She felt the need to jump up and rush out of this room, away from the painful memories which slowly, creepingly began to haunt her again, back to the safety of her guest quarters where she would wait for Tony’s return. But her feet seemed to be rooted to the ground. Feeling cold sweat pearling on her forehead, she put her hand on her stomach.
“Maya?” The doctor’s voice seemed to come from far away. “Are you alright?”
No! Maya wanted to cry out. I don’t want to be here. I shouldn’t have come. This feels so wrong. I can’t breathe… She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe deeply, calmly, in and out… She flinched as she felt a hand softly reaching for her wrist.
“It’s okay,” Helena’s voice sounded gentle. “I’m just going to feel your pulse.”
“I’m… I’m alright,” Maya said faintly, eyes still closed. When she finally opened them, she saw Helena approach with a glass of water. “Thanks,” she whispered, drinking slowly. This is embarrassing. I’m going to leave. Racking her brain about how to take her leave without appearing too rude, she suddenly became aware of soft music filling the room. Flute, guitar and in the background the sound of ocean waves.
“This is nice,” she said after silently listening for a while. She looked up and saw Helena sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked under her. Her head was resting on her hand while her arm was propped on the back-rest of the sofa. Her eyes were closed and her expression was relaxed and peaceful. A dreamy smile played on her lips and made her almost look like a young girl.
“You like it?” She turned her attention back to Maya. There was a warm shine in her green eyes. “It’s healing music.”
“Healing music?”
“Yes. My godson, Davey Kano, composed it.” With a graceful movement that belied her age she slid off the sofa and crossed the room to show Maya the CD cover. “It’s amazing what a strong impact music has on people’s minds and feelings, how it influences patients’ recovery…” She sat down again, leaning back with a pensive expression. “I’ve been a doctor for more than forty years, and there is still so much to learn.”
Maya nodded slowly. She was beginning to feel easier. Maybe she could stay a little longer after all. Taking another sip of coffee, she relieved the tension in her back and shoulders.
“You know… I’ve been thinking a lot,” Helena said in a low voice, her eyes fixed upon the cup in her hands. “I realized my attitude wasn’t always right. I mean…” She sighed. “When Salvatore was born…”
Maya tensed again. She was not sure she was ready to discuss this topic now.
“I’m sorry, Maya,” she heard Helena say. “I’m sorry I kept pestering you with my advices. It was a wrong thing to do. I shouldn’t have been so… narrow-minded.”
Maya was taken aback. Helena – the great Doctor Koenig, or Doctor Russell as she had been called when Maya first met her, the authority, already a legend on Alpha – admitting her attitude was wrong? She felt confusion welling up, emotions buried deep inside her heart a long time ago beginning to emerge cautiously to the surface. Am I talking to the same woman who condemned me for being irresponsible, claiming a pregnancy and birth in the seclusion of the meteorological station on Loki without proper medical supervision would be sheer madness? The same woman who would have put Toto in the incubator and monitored him day and night if Tony and I had let her?
“You and Tony were right,” Helena’s voice broke through her thoughts. “What the child needed was your warmth and a natural world to grow up in, not a perfect clinical environment. I was wrong, and you were right. You’d been right all along.” She was still looking down on her cup, a trace of sorrow showing on her face.
The emotions Maya had carefully stowed away were now whirling freely around her heart. The old familiar bitterness began to gnaw at her again, while at the same time the icy crust that coated her heart whenever she spoke to her former friend seemed to begin to thaw. “You mean…” she finally managed to say, “You see it all differently now?”
Helena nodded, her eyes still downcast. “I was worried about you, of course. But that was not all.” She sighed. “My pride was hurt. Not only professionally, but also personally. I guess I couldn’t deal with… being excluded.” She managed a wry grin, but her eyes looked sad.
Maya swallowed as she felt the icy crust thaw little by little. “Excluded…” she repeated in a low voice, looking at her hands which were trembling slightly. “I was quite exclusive about my pregnancy with Salvatore. At the beginning, I didn’t even let Tony know about it. I knew he didn’t want us to go through all that again. And when I finally told him, he wasn’t very supportive. It took him quite a while until he was able to share my joy about the forthcoming birth of our child.”
“I know exactly how you felt,” Helena said in an almost inaudible voice. “I went through the same thing with John when I was expecting Richard.”
Maya nodded. “I remember. But at least, you were already pregnant when you had to face the situation, so things were settled and there was no way back, but I…” She shook her head. “I had to literally trick Tony to get pregnant! He was so incredibly stubborn! And he treated me coldly when I told him we were going to have a baby…”
“But he didn’t order you to have an abortion!” It had escaped Helena’s lips.
“What?” Disconcerted, Maya stared at her. “Are you saying…John?... No. He didn’t do that.”
“Yes, he did,” Helena said quietly. “Only very few people know.” She swallowed and closed her eyes for a second, a shadow of pain darkened her face before she spoke again. “I couldn’t forgive him for a long time. But finally he realized he had made a terrible mistake. Richie was born, and we overcame the crisis.”
“Oh Helena – I had no idea!” Impulsively, Maya reached across the table and took Helena’s hand. “I knew you had some problems during that pregnancy, and when you came to Loki for our wedding – that was shortly before Richard was born, right? – I remember we briefly talked about it. But I had no idea you were having such a hard time…” She shook her head, still shocked.
Helena gave her hand a light squeeze. “There are things that men just don’t understand. Can’t understand, I should say.” She leaned back and ran her hands through her hair before she went on speaking. “You see, Maya, my decision to give birth to Richard was… from a doctor’s point of view, it was totally irresponsible. I was over fifty, my blood pressure was extremely high – there were so many complications, such high risks. But… I had to have this child. My heart told me I had to.” Her eyes were looking somewhere in the distance. “My whole self was concentrated on this feeling. I was no doctor at that moment. I was just a woman. A mother – even though the child was not born yet.”
Maya closed her eyes as her own memories flooded back. Oh, how well she could understand what Helena was talking about.
“When you and Tony told me you wanted to have children, I felt so… torn in two. As a doctor, I had to discourage you, but it made my heart ache! As a woman, I could understand you so well. I wanted to make this work for you, I wanted to do everything to help you!” Her eyes were shadowed with pain again. “I know you don’t approve of many of the ways we handle problems in our Medical Center, I know many of your views are very different from mine. But Maya, all this medical technology you’ve come to hate over the years – this same technology saved both my life and the life of my child! Without it, I would never have been able to carry Richard to full term, or survive the birth.”
She exhaled deeply and buried her face in her hands. When she raised her head to continue speaking, Maya realized by the look in her eyes the desperate attempt to make herself understood. “That’s why I put you through all this, Maya! That’s why I kept tormenting you with all those treatments and tests and… God knows what. I knew it had worked for me, and for other women too, so I was absolutely convinced it would work for you as well! I never… not for a single moment did I doubt my decisions. I knew I would make it possible for you to have a healthy child that would survive, nobody and nothing could keep me from trying again and again, with different methods, and every time I was sure to have found the right solution! And I was so wrong!” She breathed heavily and paused for a second, blinking several times. When she continued, her voice was trembling slightly. “There was nothing I could do to save Angelo, or Francesca, or Solvikt…”
A hot wave of pain gushed through Maya’s body and soul. The three babies she had lost – after all those years, Helena had not forgotten their names.
“When you had Salvatore,” Helena went on, visibly struggling to control her emotions, “I was beside myself with worry! I panicked at the thought something might happen to him, that he could die like – the other ones, and I feared for your life as well. I wanted you to be safe, I wanted you both to be safe!” A short and bitter laugh escaped her, and she shook her head. “I was so… so incredibly arrogant. I alone had the right answer for everything! I wanted to help you, protect you, but at the same time I wanted to prove I was right with my methods!”
She wiped her forehead and lowered her eyes, no longer able to stand Maya’s look. “I overdid it and caused you unnecessary pain. No wonder you finally lost what little trust you still might have had in me.” Her hands clenched in her lap, and she took a deep, trembly breath. “With all my… blind eagerness I didn’t achieve anything! The only thing I succeeded in was to… finally… ruin our friendship!” Her voice broke. She jumped up and murmured in a choked voice, “I’ll… get more coffee,” then rushed into the kitchen area.
Maya stumbled to her feet and followed her. Helena was leaning over the sink, the water was running. Her shoulders were shaking, she was obviously trying to stifle her sobs.
The sight shook Maya deeply. She couldn’t remember she had ever seen Helena cry so hard, or even cry at all. Walking up to her, she turned off the water and gently put an arm around her shoulder. “Come on,” she said softly and led her back into the living room, easing her down on the sofa. Feeling the other woman’s touch, Helena was no longer able to hold back. She sobbed openly, wrenchingly, her hands covering her face as she doubled up in pain.
Maya sat next to her, feeling helpless. Never, not even during the time they had been close friends, had she seen Helena so vulnerable. Her heart was still feeling confused, deeply stirred by Helena’s confession. At the same time she felt the last remainders of the icy crust melt away in a flood of emotion which made her want to cry too. Fighting back her tears, she reached out and began to stroke Helena’s hair, softly, soothingly, until the sobbing subsided a bit. She searched her pockets and found a clean handkerchief which she placed in Helena’s hand.
“Oh God… I’m sorry…” Helena struggled to compose herself, pressing the handkerchief to her face.
“Don’t worry about it,” Maya said, wishing she had more control over her voice.
At last, Helena’s breath had calmed down so she could speak again. “I…” she started hesitatingly, “On Earth, I once heard somebody say that the biggest mistakes in our lives we make out of love.”
Out of love. The words echoed in Maya’s heart. Love… It was a word humans used abundantly. They seemed to use it for everything, in all kinds of situations. They said “I love you” to a person they were fond of, but they obviously didn’t have a problem with using the same word for a dead thing, for a banality. “I love beer.” “I love that dress.” “I love football.” In her own world, such statements would have been unthinkable. Psychons were very chary of the word love. They used the word only towards people for whom they felt deep, genuine affection, and a declaration of love came always from the bottom of their hearts.
Helena was one of the very few humans Maya knew who used the word love in a similar way to the Psychons. It had been one of the things Maya liked about her. The biggest mistakes in our lives we make out of love. Maya sat still, motionless, as the full meaning of these words hit her. Looking at the woman next to her she tried to speak, but she had to start several times before she could get out a word. “Helena…” her voice faltered, “Why… why did you never contact me? Why did you never tell me… all this?”
“Because…” Helena was still averting her eyes, her voice sounded down-hearted. “I was scared. I was afraid you wouldn’t listen to me, afraid you’d tell me to go and leave you alone and… I was afraid you’d never forgive me.” She clutched the handkerchief in her hands. “Whenever I tried to imagine what I was going to say to you, I saw…” She swallowed. “I saw you before me, looking at me with… so much pain in your eyes, and anger, and…” She closed her eyes. “And I heard you call me a murderer.”
“Oh no…” Maya moaned as dismay seized her heart. What have I done. She gripped Helena’s hand. “I didn’t mean that! I really didn’t! I… I never apologized for saying such terrible things to you. I want to apologize now, if you can still accept it.”
“But…” Helena looked at her while her eyes filled with tears again. “What you said was so close to the truth. I never found the right method to help you, and the babies. It’s very well possible that one of my treatments… was fatal for them.” Her tears began to spill over.
“Helena!” Maya was shaken. She felt her blood draining from her face. “Don’t tell me that all those years you’ve been blaming yourself!”
Helena looked down and pressed the handkerchief to her face.
“Oh no…” Maya whispered again. She laid her hands on Helena’s shoulders. ”Helena, please listen to me. It was not your fault. It was nobody’s fault. I never seriously blamed you. Neither did Tony.”
“But – if I only…”
“If you only what? Who could have done more than you did? How could you know the main cause of my problems was Alpha being so overcrowded?”
Helena didn’t try to argue anymore, but still looked very unhappy.
“And – as for the circumstances around Toto’s birth,” Maya went on, softly releasing her grip around Helena’s shoulders, “We were both right and wrong at the same time. You were right in your intentions, which were good, but wrong in your actions. And I was right in what I did, but wrong in my animosity against you.” She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed deeply, feeling sorrow and regret unfolding inside her. “I did you terribly wrong,” she whispered.
Helena silently shook her head.
“Yes, I did,” Maya said quietly. “And I’m… so sorry.” The words didn’t nearly express what she felt. How could I let it come to this? Her sorrow and regret were growing stronger and threatened to overwhelm her. “Helena, would you…” Her voice was choked again. She swallowed and tried to breathe deeply. “Would you be my friend again?”
The other woman looked at her openly. “As for me, I never stopped being your friend.”
Maya’s eyes were beginning to feel warm, and her hands were trembling as she whispered, “May I… hug you?”
As an answer, Helena held out her arms. They fell into each other’s embrace, neither of them ashamed of shedding tears anymore.
They held each other tightly for a long time. “I’m sorry!” Maya whispered again while her tears kept falling on Helena’s shoulder.
“No, I’m sorry!”
“But what I did was much worse!”
“No, that’s not true.”
“It is true! After all what you did for me…”
“After all what I did to you would be more correct.”
“No! You only wanted to help me. How could I forget that! I… I acted as if you were some… cruel, unscrupulous scientist experimenting with living beings when I knew it wasn’t true! I was so unfair to you, Helena, so unfair!”
Helena held her more tightly. “You had a hard time, Maya, a very hard time. Much harder than anybody of us can imagine. You went through so much. It’s only natural that you… well… felt some bitterness.” She gently stroked her friend’s auburn hair.
Maya sobbed softly before she could speak again. “You’ve always been like this. So sweet, so helpful and understanding. What would I have done without you... all that time ago when I first came here! You were always there for me, and still I… I was so unfair to you.”
“Don’t worry about that anymore,” Helena said gently. “And – I really can’t blame you for turning away from me, considering the way I behaved when Salvatore was born.” She shook her head, and her eyes turned sad. “I had no right to be so… overbearing. I was much too hard on you. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
“Still, I should have kept talking to you,” Maya insisted, “I shouldn’t have turned my back on you like that. That was stupid, and it didn’t do any good.” She frowned and looked down for a moment, then met her friend’s eyes again. “I don’t know if you ever realized,” she said in a low voice. “You’ve always been my only close friend, Helena. It was all so… so difficult. So depressing. I needed to get away from Alpha, I felt I was suffocating here. I knew I would be so much happier on Loki, and I am. I…” She sighed, and her face took on a haunted expression. “I needed to get away from your Medical Center which held so many painful memories for me, even though it meant getting away from you. It was as if… something… had hardened my heart.”
“Probably you were trying to protect yourself against all that pain,” Helena said sympathetically.
Maya nodded. “I think so. But while I tried to protect myself, I also isolated myself from other people. This self-protection kept me from opening up to you, talk to you like I used to – before all that trouble started. And then, when Toto was born and things got even more complicated, I started to avoid you. I’ve been avoiding you all the time, until now, and I’m… so ashamed of it!”
Helena was about to say something, but Maya wasn’t finished yet. “I must have been out of my mind. Avoiding you, my only close friend! I…” Her eyes were burning again. “I missed you so!” Now that she had at last spoken out these words, she seemed to feel for the first time how true it was. “I missed you as my friend and confidant, I missed our long talks, I missed laughing with you… I never had a friend like you, not on Psychon and not on Loki. When I had given up our friendship, I had given up an important part of my life. But I didn’t admit it to myself. I just buried it in the depths of my soul. I pretended I didn’t need you, I didn’t need anybody except Tony and our son. But I do need you!” Emotion filled her voice as she looked intensely at her friend.
“Oh Maya…” Helena hugged her tightly again. “I need you too, and I missed you, I can’t tell you how much… It’s so good to have you back at last!”
Tearfully smiling at each other, they parted. Maya wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Oh, sorry,” Helena said looking slightly embarrassed, “I messed up your only handkerchief.” She got up.
“That’s okay, you can keep it,” Maya said with a light smile.
Helena returned with a pile of clean handkerchiefs. “Do you think that’s enough for both of us?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye.
“If we keep talking like this – who knows!” was Maya’s prompt reply. Exchanging a look, they both burst out laughing. Helena fell onto the sofa next to her friend.
“Let’s promise each other something,” Helena said when they finally got their breath back. Her expression was serious again. “Let’s never again get to the point where we don’t talk to each other. Whenever there’s a problem, let’s deal with it right away and be done with it.”
Maya nodded. “Yes, let’s do that. You know…” She leaned back and laid her arm on the back-rest, feeling more relaxed and at peace with herself than she had in a long time. “Just like you said before, many of my views are very different from yours, concerning the medical system here on Alpha, or the way humans deal with medicine in general. I suppose there will always be things we might find hard to agree about, but… there must be a way to deal with it. I certainly don’t want anything to come between us like that again.”
“Neither do I,” Helena said emphatically. “Let’s respect the differences between each other and enjoy the things we have in common. And, Maya…” She looked into her friend’s eyes and took both her hands. “I know I tend to be dominating and overruling. If you ever have the feeling I interfere too much with your and Salvatore’s lives again, just… tell me to shut up.”
Maya had to laugh again. The mere imagination of anybody telling Helena to shut up was just too much.
Helena, however, remained serious. “I mean it, Maya. I never wanted to hurt you.” She looked sad again.
“I know.” Maya hugged her once more, squeezing her gently. “I know.”
Neither of them noticed how the hours flew by as they sat together and talked like they hadn’t done for years. When John and Tony came back, they found their wives chatting harmoniously as if the rift between them never had existed. Realizing the two women could certainly do without them, the men left again soon to find something else to do.
It was late at night when Maya finally set out for her guest quarters. “Helena,” she said, taking her friend’s hands. “I’m so happy we made it.”
“I am too,” Helena replied with a warm smile. “We built a bridge over these past twelve years.”
Maya returned her smile. “Yes, that’s what we did. And this bridge also spans the distance between you and me.”
Song lyric quoted from: “Approximately Infinite Universe”, words and music by Yoko Ono, from the album (same title), 1973 Ono Music Ltd.
July, 2002