The alarm seemed to go off very early. Returning from vacation could be a wrenching experience. Emma reached to shut off the alarm and found Alan just returning from the bathroom. She smiled and sat up, eager to face the day.

They had returned from Loki late the previous evening and packed up Emma's few belongings. Her parents had gone to Ceres 2, Richard was gone, and Alex had moved out last month. It was rather eerie, packing up with no one else around. Especially when she knew she would not be coming back. Her parents had told her they would be giving up the apartment and moving into quarters in an older section of Alpha so a younger growing family could have the extra space. That was not something she had anticipated. She had been an infant when they had moved into the bright cheery apartment, and had thought of the place as a permanent home. She was glad to have Alan helping her pack and joking with her.

He sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. "How's the almost-Mrs. Carter this morning?"

She smiled and touched his yellow -sleeved uniform. She had grown used to seeing him in swim trunks and tank tops. For a moment she regretted the end of vacation, remembering waking up next to him with plenty of leisure time ahead of them.

Alan smiled and kissed her gently. "Don't get that look. I've got a science board meeting in a half-hour and I'm starving."

She caressed his cheek and rolled away from him and off the bed. "Why so early?"

"I've found it discourages those with only a casual interest."

Grinning, Alan recalled that disastrous meeting. "Your father has a wicked streak too. Instead of removing me from the committee, he appointed me chairman. He hasn't attended a meeting since, and I haven't been able to get rid of the duty, either!"

"What happened to that lady anyway?"

"She lives in Dover. She moved there to wire the complex. I hear she raises birds in her spare time."

"Really?" She said, tugging on her boots. "I've never been to Dover."

"That's right, you haven't. We should have gone while we were down on Loki."

"No, vacation was perfect just the way it was." She returned to sit on his lap.

He kissed her soundly. "Yes, it was. But vacation is over now."

"Too bad," she said wistfully, tracing his tunic's zipper with her finger.

"Come on, let's go get some breakfast quick. Once we get that land car modification done we'll go to Dover and try it out." He stood, dumping her unceremoniously off his lap, but she lightly bounced to her feet. "Did I email you those files before we left?" he asked.

"I don't think so."

"I'll be tied up all morning. You've got my passwords. Get the files and start working on it."

"Yes sir!" she replied with a mock military salute.

He responded by tickling her and they headed for the nearby cafeteria.

She slid into her desk in Alan's office and sighed with satisfaction. She loved her little corner of the office with its dual computer link and a great view of the Eagle bay for pad four through the large windows along one wall. She touched the screen to contact the recon desk in Main Mission. Bill Fraser's face appeared. "Good morning, Emma. Welcome back."

"Good morning Bill. Thanks."

"How was your holiday?"

"Almost perfect," she said with a smile.

"Only almost?"

"Very close. I'm in Alan's office. Can you put me on the ready room list?"

"You're number four on pad four."

Emma frowned. That was pretty far down the list. "No flying today," she said, disappointed. She began opening the file on the land car.

"Hey, you just flew back from Loki. Or didn't Alan trust you at the controls?"

She grinned, knowing he was teasing her. Bill was her best friend's father, and she had called him 'Uncle Bill' until the day she turned twelve. Alan had assigned Bill as her teacher for pilot training and he had informed her at the first class that pilots were all equal and did not call each other 'Uncle' or 'Aunt' like a child. He'd been a marvelous teacher and a good friend. "He trusts me all right, but I like to fly."

Bill nodded. "Just be glad you don't have to trade with me. As dispatcher, I'm not even on the list this week."

Emma nodded sympathetically and logged out. She spent the next half hour scanning the land car files, then called to check the status of an allow they had requested for engine parts. Before leaving, Alan had ordered tests for heat resistance to see if the parts would be suitable for use on Loki. Josh Devers answered the call.

"Hi Josh," Emma said. "Do you have the specs done on that heat test Alan ordered two weeks ago?"

"It's right here, Emma. Welcome back. I could bring it over for you."

"Just email it, ok?" Emma was using a second screen to review designs and paying more attention to the plans than Josh.

"It's no problem. I'll get it right to you."

Emma nodded absently and switched off. She tapped the screen for a close-up view and cropped a portion that needed modification. She set the second screen to chime when the specs arrived, but didn't notice that the message never arrived. She also didn't hear the door open.

A folder flopped down beside her and someone kissed her cheek at the same time. She returned from her point of view somewhere in the engine block to reality with a jerk. "Josh!"

"Hi beautiful. Welcome back. How was your vacation?"

"It was great." She picked up the folder and removed the disk. "You didn't have to bring it over." She pushed the disk into its slot, eager for the information.

Josh reached for her hand. "Hey, I missed you. I thought maybe we could go to the biozone together tonight."

She looked at Josh's hand holding hers. Josh was the same age as Alex. They had been friends forever, partners in numerous practical jokes, school projects and handball games. They had even been lovers, but never serious and never proprietary. The way he was holding her hand today was different. Or maybe she was different. She pulled her hand away.

"I can't Josh. Alan and I--"

"Oh, come on Em. He's your boss, not your owner. He can't make you work on this stuff all the time."

"It's not that, Josh--"

He didn't let her finish. "Look, if it's about me and Hilly, we did a lot of talking while you were gone, and she's right. I was really only going out with her to make you jealous. She told me I ought to come clean with you. You're not mad about it are you?"

"Mad?" Emma echoed. She thought hard, barely remembering anything about Josh and Hilly being together. Then she remembered, she'd had dinner with a group of friends about a month ago. Josh and Hilly had been there. Dinah had commented to her that the two looked pretty friendly. Emma had teased her about her and Alex and changed the subject. She was in the middle of performance trials for the new Eagle, and had been spending very little time with her friends. She was pleased Josh was getting interested in someone, and had promptly forgotten about it. "Why would I be mad-- or jealous for that matter?"

Josh grinned. "Hilly said it was a silly idea." He leaned forward to kiss her.

She backed up.

"What's the matter? You said you aren't mad."

"It's not that--"

"Then what is it? I thought we could pick up where we left off when you started working on that Eagle project."

"Where we left off?" Emma pushed the chair back further and stood up. "Josh, we're friends. We had fun together, but it wasn't anything to 'leave off'. It wasn't anything serious."

"Oh, come on Emma. You must know how crazy I am about you."

Emma was really shocked. She hadn't known. Josh was Alex's best friend, and she was Dinah's. Alex and Dinah were inseparable and had been since Dinah began to show an interest in boys when they were eleven. Emma had thought she was nuts for a long time, but tolerated her friend as she followed the boys around. They were frequently a foursome. Emma had acquired and discarded several boyfriends, but the connection to Josh, through Dinah and Alex, had always remained, giving her a date whenever there was no one else around.

"Josh, I'm engaged." She couldn't think of an easier way to tell him.

He looked stunned. "Engaged? Since when?"

"Since I went to Loki on vacation."

"Who is it?" he asked. He looked pale and his voice was shaky.

"Alan." Emma said simply.

Josh looked at her blankly for a moment. "You mean Alan Carter?"

"Of course."

"Emma, he's an old man!"

"Josh, that's rude."

"But it's true! Don't be an idiot, Emma. You can't marry him!"

"Yes, I can." Emma finally lost her temper. "Look Joshua Devers, this might not be your wish, but I moved in with Alan last night and I'm marrying him in three months."

"But why?"

"Because I'm in love with him!"

"You can't be!"

"Yes, I can. Look, Josh, I've got work to do, and so do you, so why don't you go back to work."

"Emma, this won't just go away--"

"Yes, you will." Emma said pointedly. She took his elbow and ushered him toward the door. "I've said all I'm going to say." She used her commlock to open the door and gave him a little shove. Once he was out the door she closed it again. She was amazed. How could Josh think he was in love with her?

It made her uncomfortable to think about this and she dealt with it in her usual way. She returned to the computer and lost herself in the files. Before doing so, however, she emailed Dinah, asking to meet her for an early lunch at their usual haunt, and set the computer to remind her to go. Then she opened the metallurgy report and tried to forget about Josh.

Dinah was waiting impatiently in their favorite booth when Emma arrived. She grabbed a plate of whatever was handy, rice and some kind of Cajun spiced tofu topping, and slid into the opposite bench. Dinah was picking at a large Greek salad, and started talking as soon as Emma sat down.

"Is what Josh said true?"

"What did he say?"

"That you've moved in with Alan Carter?"

"That's right."

"Did you have some kind of fight with your parents?"

"No, why?"

"Well, why else would you move in with him?"

Emma took a bite of rice. It was spicy hot and she sipped some water after it. "Has it occurred to you that we might be in love?"

Dinah gave a shake of her long silky black hair. "Don't be silly, Em. He's old."

"Josh said that too," Emma said coldly. She had expected some sympathy from her best friend. After all, she'd endured years of Dinah confiding how wonderful her older brother Alex was.

"Well he is, Em -- older than my dad, even."

"Oh, come on Dine. That doesn't matter."

"Of course it does. You can't be serious about this. Why would you possibly want to marry him?"

"Dinah, I do love him."

"Come on, Emma. Can he even--" she paused and glanced around, then leaned closer, "you know-- do it?"

Emma thought about the past two weeks, including a pause in zero-g on their way back to Alpha. She smiled. "Yes, he can-- quite well, and often."

Dinah blushed and smiled. "I can't believe this is ok with your parents."

"They're getting used to the idea. It was Daddy's idea that we try living together before posting the bans."

"You can't be serious! What about when you first told him?"

"He was pretty mad, but I told him he had no right to dictate my choice of lovers."

"No! You said that to the Commander? I would have died!"

Emma nodded. She decided not to add she'd told her father that standing bare naked on the beach at dawn with Alan beside her. She was pretty sure Dinah would never believe her.

"But what about Josh?" Dinah asked.

"What about him?"

"Well, he loves you. I thought you were in love with him. I guess I kind of expected you to marry him when I married Alex."

"No one consulted me on plans like that."

"Well, you did -- you know--"

"Make love with him?" Emma asked before her friend could say 'do it' again.

"Well, yes."

This conversation hadn't gone very well, and Emma was tired of it. She packed up her tray and leaned forward. Conspiratorially, she replied, "Alan is much better."

She slid out of the booth and headed back to work.

Alan was at his desk when she returned, eating a sandwich. "Hey, you're back quick."

She glanced at her computer screen. "Work to do," she explained. "I didn't see you get lunch. Why didn't you join us?"

Alan shook his head, "I'm allergic."

"Allergic," she asked, alarmed. "To what?"

"Girl talk," Alan returned with a grin.

She smiled back, relieved. "I'll try to remember that." She slid into her chair, eager to retreat back into work. Alan moved over by her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Are you ok?"

She put her hand over his. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?" he pressed.

"Can we just work now and talk about it later?" It sounded much more cranky than she meant it, but he pulled away.

"Sure, Emma. No problem."

To Emma's relief the rest of the afternoon passed quietly. Alan came and went on his own business and Emma pulled an invisible blanket of isolation around herself.

It was almost 1900 when Alan called it quits. "Come on, love. I'm starved. Let's go get some supper."

She sighed and sat back, rubbing her eyes. She'd barely moved in several hours. "Do you think we could just order some trays and go home?"

Alan rubbed her neck for her and she leaned against him, absorbing the feel of him with a sense of desperation she hadn't known she felt.

"Hey," he turned her chair around and knelt in front of her. "Something is definitely bugging you."

"Let's talk about it at home," she said, taking his hands in hers.

"Ok," he said cautiously. "Why don't I go get supper and you head on home."

Emma nodded eagerly. They rode the travel tube together to the main section of Alpha, then Emma gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and headed down the stairs to the dormitory level. Alan watched her with worry in his eyes and headed to the cafeteria. He could hear Helena's warning echoing in his brain, "She's young Alan, don't let her break your heart." What if Emma had changed her mind?

Emma headed down the stairs and into the apartment at top speed. All she wanted was to shower and change out of uniform and sit in Alan's lap and cry. How could Dinah not understand? How could Josh decide he loved her and she never realize it? She had never meant to hurt him.

She was toweling her black curls dry when Alan entered with two trays and a coffeepot. She had cleared off the small table. The one room apartment was a bit crowded for two, but she had always been compulsively neat, and hated clutter. She considered the place cozy. Once they had a baby on the way they could apply for larger quarters. She was so busy with thoughts about the apartment that she didn't notice Alan's grim manner.

"What did you pick for us?" she asked, reaching to remove the cover.

"That can wait, let's talk first."

"I thought you were starving."

"I'll live," he said gruffly. He sat on the sofa and she joined him. She knelt, facing him, her elbow on the back of the sofa.

She was so happy to be alone with him at last. She leaned forward to kiss him, and was surprised when he stopped her.

"What is it Alan?" she asked, finally noticing that something was wrong.

"I saw Josh in the cafeteria."

She sighed. "He brought me the metallurgy report this morning. That's what upset me so. I wanted to talk to you, but it seemed better to wait until after work."

Alan sighed. "I thought it might be something like that. You talked things over with Dinah too."

She nodded. "She didn't understand at all. That only made things worse."

"Emma, now that you know how Josh feels," Alan hesitated, not wanting to make things worse, or hard on her if she wanted to back out. "What do you think we should do?"

Emma frowned and thought a second. "I don't see why we have to do anything. I do feel kind of guilty, but I never meant to lead him on or anything."

Alan looked surprised. "You feel guilty? For what?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, exactly. For not loving him back, I guess. Alan, he never said anything before. How was I to know he was serious?"

"He seemed to feel the two of you were pretty close" Alan said cautiously.

She settled back on the couch, folding her legs in tailor fashion and frowned. "We always hang out together. He's usually with Alex and I'm usually with Dinah."

"It seems to me you spent sometime together without Dinah."

She gave Alan a small smile. "Well yes, some." Alan had always been Emma's confidant and he was well aware of her activities with Josh over the past couple of years. He gave her a skeptical look, but remained silent.

"Oh, Alan," she said in exasperation. "You didn't expect me to remain a virgin forever did you?"

Alan had to laugh. She had plotted to lose her virginity several years ago and she had picked Josh as her first lover when she was fifteen-- very much against current Alpha convention which was rather conservative about such matters. Alan knew she had been with a couple other Alphan teens, but Josh was always available whenever she wished. "Emma,: he asked, as a new thought occurred to him. "How long have you been planning to marry me?"

"Since I was six," she answered promptly. Her eyes twinkled and her dimples showed as she added, "I'll admit my plans changed after I reached puberty. I got the feeling Mama and Daddy wouldn't take me seriously if you were my first lover. And I needed to be an adult so they wouldn't be able to order me around, or do anything to you."

"Why you sly little devil," Alan exclaimed with a grin that matched hers. "You really had all this thought out."

"Of course," she replied. She reached out and touched his cheek. "We belong together."

"I was afraid you wanted to go back to Josh," Alan said, taking her hand in his and kissing her palm. "I thought that's why you were upset." He felt a rush of relief that left him a bit dizzy.

She shook her head. "Josh is a friend. I used him and didn't even realize I might hurt him. I feel horrible about it." She scooted into his lap. "But I belong here." She rested her head on his shoulder and he held her closely.

"Oh, Emma, where have you been all my life?"

"I grew up as fast as I could." She smiled. "Blame my parents for waiting so long to have me."

Alan chuckled, but knew it would be their private joke. John and Helena would not find it so amusing. They sat silently together for a while until Emma added, "Were you really worried Alan?"

He sighed. "I haven't had much luck with relationships, love. When Josh walked up to me in the cafeteria and he told me he planned to convince you to marry him and not me-- well I thought he probably had a good chance at it. After all, it looked like you didn't really want to be seen in public with me--"

Emma sat up, alarmed. "Oh, no Alan. It wasn't that. I just wanted to talk to you about Josh in private. I was afraid I'd get all upset and start crying in the cafeteria. I didn't want that."

He put his arms around her waist. "I see that now," he said gently.

"Alan, if Daddy hadn't insisted we live together for three months, I would have married you last week. Then there would be no reason for anyone to think we weren't serious about this."

"I think he did this to protect us both. It's not the norm around here for couples to live together first.-- at least not now. Before we came to Loki it was more common. But the people who disapprove of us will have a chance to voice their opinions before we post the bans. If we can't take the criticism we can back out before that. People don't live together much any more without marrying, and they also split up less often. I think he's betting we won't last three months."

"But we will," she smiled with certainty.

"Yes," he confirmed, finally feeling that certainty himself. "We will."

Ellen Lindow

December, 1998