The last two hours had been a blur and as John watched Eagle 14 lift-off, headed for the frozen tundra of Loki, with his wife aboard, he realized there was nothing about the last two hours that he had liked.

Winter on Loki in 2018 – the last quarter of the first cycle. They knew very little, but enough to know it was no place for Alphans. Temperatures plunged, winds howled, there was no chance for survival.

The climate research team should not have been anywhere near the gravitational pull of the planet. What made them stray into Lokian space? What caused the malfunction in the main motors that forced a crash landing on the planet? Communication was sketchy, all six had survived the crash, but three with serious injuries. There was no way they would survive for long on the surface.

But the part he disliked most was the part where Helena had insisted on taking her turn on the medical rescue eagle. It all happened very fast.

John argued that Vincent or Mathias could go instead – neither would mind that she was the medic on call – neither was a mother of three. She would not hear any of it and argued that not only was it her turn, not only did she have special skills, as chief surgeon as well as CMO she was the only one who should go. He knew part of her decision was driven by the fact that the climate research team was made up of four techs from her bio med team.

Maybe she had been right – maybe he was a chauvinist pig. He just knew he wanted his wife safe, on Alpha, with their children, with him.

A therapist would have a field day. He knew losing his own parents in his teens certainly contributed to this outlook. For years he had been angry with his father – why hadn’t he been able to swerve the car out of the way? The unquenchable need to eliminate this sense of inadequacy drove him to push fast cars, then fast planes, and always himself to extremes.

He started to order her not to go, but she saw it coming and started out the door, reminding him that the sooner he got her rescue eagle launched the sooner she would be back. He barked after her, "What about your children!"

She stopped cold and turned, the distinction not lost on her. "Their father will take care of them. I need to go do my job."

He’d give anything for any number of different outcomes. He wished she were back on Alpha – safe. He wished he were on the rescue eagle instead of her. He wished he were with her. He wished he hadn’t made it harder for her. He wished he’d said good-bye.

Most of all, he secretly wished the mother of someone else’s children was chief medical officer for Moonbase Alpha. He knew he was being selfish and certainly immature, but he couldn’t shake the feeling as he collected the three kids from various classrooms and prepared dinner. All three were lonesome for her, but had learned early on about Mama’s work.

Once the kids were asleep, John monitored the rescue eagle’s progress through the night on his slate, drifting in and out of sleep on the couch in the family room of their quarters. Richie, almost four years old, woke first, padding into the room looking for breakfast and Helena. John explained she was still working. Alex and Emma – at ages seven and five and a half – also accepted his explanation and breakfast went smoothly. He walked all three to school, dropping off Alex and Emma then finally Richard.

Kate Goldberg was waiting at the door to Richard’s classroom. Her glare at Koenig was even darker than usual. John realized Helena must have called her. He released the boy’s hand, "I’ll pick you up after school, son. Have fun."

Richie waved to Kate and nodded yes to his father, "’Bye."

Kate squared off against Koenig, "I’ll pick him up. Helena -"

"It’s not necessary, Kate. I’ll be here."

"I promised - "

"Yeah. I did too. " Kate looked up at him surprised. "I ah, I um, appreciate the offer, but we’ll be okay. I’ll talk to Helena – I didn’t get a chance to really tell her everything I should have said before she left. I’m just going to call her now."

That took the wind out of Kate’s sails - Koenig contrite. She hadn’t thought it possible. "Well, all right. But call me – if you want me to take any of them."

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks." It was an uneasy alliance.

Koenig headed for the travel tube that would take him to Main Mission so he could get an update on the rescue operation. Eagle 14 and Eagle 25 acting as a salvage ship had identified the crash site and were orbiting, waiting for a storm to pass so they might land safely. Conditions on the surface were bleak.

John spoke to Alan and they agreed to minimize time on the planet. John’s last request was a personal one. "Please ask Helena if she’ll call me on a secure line – if you can arrange one."

"Everything okay with the kids?" Alan asked worriedly.

"They’re fine. I … just didn’t get a chance to say good-bye."

Alan smiled. "Don’t worry – we’ll be fine. She’s taking good care of all of us and I’ll get her back to you in one piece."

"I know you will. Get her to call me, will you?"

Alan passed on the message, but Helena merely nodded. Once they landed, within minutes she was performing emergency surgery in the eagle module – too worried to transport her most serious cases until after she stabilized them. Alan knew that once surgery was complete, they still had a task salvaging as much as possible of the crashed eagle – especially the highly sensitive climate monitoring equipment.

Alan hadn’t suspected that it would take some doing to get Helena to contact her husband. Surprised when she initially brushed off his suggestion that she use the cockpit to have some privacy, Alan later put two and two together.

"Helena, he’s really worried about you." Maybe he was over-stepping here, but it wouldn’t be the first time, "Listen, it’s nothing to do with me, but please will you call him. He seemed pretty desperate to talk to you. Come on, Doc, give him a chance."

It was sixteen hours later when Sandra patched her through to John in their quarters. He had not been able to sleep and noticed she also looked tired. She was bundled in severe weather gear, which must have made surgery tough.

"Thanks for calling. How are your patients?"

"Improving."

"How about you?" She wasn’t going to give in so easily and simply held his gaze. So he continued, "I’m calling to apologize. I still wish you were here rather than there, but it was unfair of me to try … to bully you. I’m sorry." She still wouldn’t give. "The children are fine. They really miss you. I miss you." He paused, hoping she would react. "Helena? I love you and I’m sorry. Please?"

She sighed, "I’m sorry too. I wish I didn’t have to leave so suddenly. I wish … I wish you were here with me."

"Me, too." He was grateful she was speaking to him. "How are you really?"

"I’m really cold." She saw his smile. "I am glad you’re with the kids. That makes me feel better."

"We’re doing okay – Kate says she’s on stand-by, but I think we’re going to be okay."

"Richie?"

"Some tears. But he’s being brave." Dinner and bedtime had been tense and protracted. But he didn’t want to add to her burden.

"I love you."

He smiled broadly, "Thank you for that."

"I’ll see you as soon as I can."

"I know. We’ll be fine. I love you."

A few hours later, Koenig was getting ready for duty with all three kids awake, hungry for breakfast and increasingly anxious about their mother. Alex wanted a more thorough explanation, and John told them about the ice storm that was preventing the eagles from lifting off. John knew Emma would be good for a tangent or too about eagles and ice and she didn’t let him down.

Her chattery explanation was more than a four-year-old could completely comprehend, but Richard seemed to conclude this ice storm was not a good thing. He was still tearful when John dropped him off at school.

The evening didn’t go much better. John was exhausted from lack of sleep, worried about Helena, and increasingly concerned about the delays grounding the eagles on Loki. The kids seemed to pick up on how tense he was, which only made them more uneasy.

Neither of the three ate much of anything for dinner. They sat together on the floor of the family room with building blocks he had first made for Alex, then augmented with new pieces for each new child. Emma wanted everything to be made from ice. Alex didn’t think it was such a good idea. Richard uncharacteristically clung to his father.

The doorbell rang. Alex was up like a shot, followed by his younger siblings. They were more hopeful than John who knew Helena’s eagle had not moved.

"It’s Aunt Kate!"

"She has rice pudding!"

John rose and moved towards the entryway. Kate acknowledged him with a nod, "John."

"Kate. Thanks. That was … very nice of you." He watched as Alex and Emma escorted Kate – and her bowl - toward the kitchen. Richard lingered near the doorway and John could see his lower lip quiver. He reached down to scoop up his son. "Whose favorite is rice pudding?" he whispered, nose to nose with his youngest.

"Mine."

"Then we better hurry before Alex and Emma eat it all up." He carried his son into the kitchen and deposited him on the counter next to Kate’s big bowl of rice pudding. She was dishing up servings for the kids who were kneeling on stools, eagerly waiting with spoons in hand. John reached for a spoon for Richie. "Aren’t we lucky Aunt Kate brought us a treat. Have you kids thanked Kate?"

Emma looked up from under her curls, "But Daddy we didn’t eat any yet?"

"You can still thank Kate for taking the time to make our favorite dessert and for bringing it to our house. You can do that before you even have one bite."

"But maybe I won’t like it," Emma explained earnestly.

John swept her curly ringlets off her forehead, "Since when have you not liked anything Aunt Kate cooked?"

Alex swallowed a large mouthful, "Since never!" he pronounced. John cleared his throat. Alex turned to his benefactor, "Thank you Aunt Kate – it’s really good."

Emma nodded, "It’s always good."

Kate found herself smiling. She watched Richie offer John a spoonful of rice pudding from his bowl and saw the tender kiss of thanks Koenig placed on his red head. She may never fully understand Helena’s utter devotion to this stubborn chauvinist dictator, but she was certainly seeing a new side to him.

He turned his piercing blue eyes to her, "Kate, will you join us? Maybe a cup of tea?"

If she had been holding the bowl, she would have dropped it. Thankfully, Alex was pulling it toward himself, "May I have some more please?"

"Sure, Alex." she served him another helping. "Thanks John, but I’m meeting Joel for a late supper." Kate left shortly, with a promise to collect her bowl the next evening.

John was grateful for the rice pudding. At least they each had something in their bellies. The bath and pajama routine went more smoothly than the previous night and he read three different stories on the couch before tucking each child in with a kiss and a cuddle.

That night at the Koenig apartment seemed strangely quiet. John returned to the couch with his slate and called up the latest information about Eagles 14 and 25. At least they finally had an estimated time of departure, if the weather held. He decided against calling. He knew Helena would grab sleep when she could. He turned out the lights and headed for his bedroom, happy to know she would be on her way home soon. Exhausted himself, he soon fell asleep.

"Daddy?" No answer. Alex shook John’s shoulder gently, "Daddy?"

John woke quickly and raised some lights, "What’s wrong, Son?"

"Richie wants Mama. I gave him Bear, but he won’t stop crying. I think he had a nightmare."

"Okay." John swung his legs off the bed and walked back to boys’ bedroom with his elder son. He put his hand on Alex’s blonde head and noticed that his elbow was bending up for the first time – Alex was taller!

In the boys’ bedroom, Alex had turned on the light. Richard was curled up at the head of his bed – the bottom bunk – clutching the blanket and sobbing, "I want Mama."

John tried to reach him, but had trouble making his way under the top bunk. "Richie, Mama is on Loki." John knelt along the lower bed, careful not to hit his head on the top bunk. Bunk beds – Helena’s plan - may have made the boys’ room seem bigger, but at times like this it wasn’t such a good idea. Richie was inconsolable.

Richie sniffled, "Is Mama coming back?"

"Yes, of course she is."

"How do you know?"

"Well, I know…." Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Alex lean over from the top bunk, anxious to hear his explanation. He wished he had a more precise one.

Richie remained at the head of the bed, perched on his pillow. "How?"

"Because she loves you so much."

"When will Mama be home?"

"I’m not sure exactly when, but soon. Come on out, Son." John reached for his redhead’s hand, but caught the sleeve of his blue flaxen pajamas. Richie withdrew further. "Richie?"

"No. I want her to come home now."

"She’ll do whatever it takes to get back home as soon as she can."

"I want her to be here now."

"Me too." John doubted his young son realized how true that statement was.

This contretemps highlighted a growing concern of John’s. He was forced to acknowledge that his bond with Richard was not as deep as his bond with Emma or Alex. While the older two where quite happy to be comforted by their father or mother, Richard always looked for Helena.

John knew he needed to work harder. As much as he loved his youngest child - and it was the same devotion and affection he felt for his elder son and daughter - Richie seemed to sense all the heartache that came between John and Helena when he was in her womb. John thought they had a case for proving "in utero" insight. Thank God his marriage had survived those trying times – that Helena’s health never worsened during her pregnancy; that their son was healthy, that their love endured all the pain each had caused the other.

Richie’s tears were flowing even faster and John knew action was required before the boy got himself into a state. John crawled under the top bunk and gently pulled his youngest son across the bed. Richie sobbed, but did not resist. "Come on – let’s go someplace where we all fit." John stood and held Richie tightly in his arms. Richie buried his head against his father’s shoulder and John kissed his forehead. John saw Alex sitting up on the top bunk. "Climb down Tiger, if you want to come too."

"To your room?"

"Yep."

"Can I bring Bear? For Richie, I mean."

"Sure." Holding Richie close, John watched Alex navigate the short ladder, stuffed bear in hand. Maybe that was part of it. Alex had Bear, Emma had her miniature eagles, Richie had … Helena.

John led the way back to his bedroom. He wasn’t completely surprised when the door to his daughter’s room opened. Emma wasn’t one to miss out on the action, "What’s happening, Alex?"

"Richie’s scared so we’re going to sleep in the big bed."

"Is Mama home?" she asked as she fell in behind her big brother.

"No, Mama’s still on Loki," Alex added authoritatively.

Emma was confused, "But only Mama lets us sleep on the big bed. That’s the rule."

John smiled. He had suspected Helena let the children pile in with her when he was away. But she knew he preferred to have his bed and his wife to himself and had supported his ban on children sleeping in their bedroom. "Princess, this is just for tonight."

"How many more days?" Emma asked curiously

"I’m not sure. We can ask Mama when we call her in the morning." John regretted it as soon as he heard himself say it.

"I want to talk to Mama now," Richie declared.

John shook his head as he lowered his youngest son onto the bed. "We can’t wake her. Let’s get some sleep and we can call Mama when we wake up."

Emma happily climbed onto the bed, "Can we really sleep with you in your bed, Daddy?"

"Just for tonight." John lifted the covers and waited for Alex and Emma to slip under.

Emma scrunched across the bed, passing Richie and Alex, "I want to sleep on Mama’s side."

Alex flinched, "Emma! No fair – Emma has cold toes."

John smiled – like mother, like daughter. His elder kids squirmed to separate, with one to either side of Richard. He climbed in between Emma and Richard and pulled the covers up. The lights were on a low setting. All things considered, John opted to leave them on.

Richie asked softly, "Where’s Mama sleeping?"

Emma responded, "Mama’s on Loki."

"Can we talk to Mama?"

John put his arm around him and pulled him closer, "Yes, in the morning we can call her. Let’s all get some rest now."

Richie’s voice was softer still, "Can we call her now?"

"We’ll call Mama in the morning." John kissed his son’s redhead and softly told his youngest, "Richie, I miss her too."

"Why?"

"Because I love her too."

"Why?"

John smiled as he tried to explain – he noticed Alex’s interest in his response, "I love to be with Mama. She makes me smile. Even when I just think about her."

Alex moved closer to his father, "Daddy, why did Mama leave?"

"Mama had to go because there was an emergency on Loki. Some people have been hurt and Mama is taking care of them."

Alex’s brow furrowed – John saw a bit of himself in the action. "But Daddy, why did Mama have to go?"

"Because she has special skills." John remembered the terrible fight they had before she left. He still wished he could have kept her on Alpha, but he was also sad for making it harder for her to go. Like all of them, Helena had a job to do and that hadn’t changed when he fell in love with her, when he married her, or when she gave birth to his children. He felt guilty for being selfish, but not about missing her, especially now.

Alex’s frown continued, "But Daddy, you’re the commander, you could have ordered Mama to stay."

John sighed wistfully. "I can’t really order Mama to stay." Someday Alex would understand – not just the responsibility each Alphan had to the others, but also his mother’s dislike of being given orders.

"But you could have ordered someone else to go, then Mama wouldn’t have to go and she could be with us."

Alex was determined to understand this one. John sensed it was an important one. "Alex, it’s best for everyone for Mama to go – she can help the most."

Alex shook his head, "No it’s not – it’s not best for our family."

John couldn’t argue with that kind of logic. "I agree it’s not best for us that Mama had to go, but sometimes we have to think about what’s best for most people, not just some people. Mama going to help is the best thing for all the Alphans. They’re kind of like our bigger family."

Emma understood that idea, "Like Aunt Kate and Uncle Alan?"

"Yes, and the people who need her on Loki."

Alex was wrestling to understand why his father had not prevented his mother from going when a scary thought crossed his mind. He rolled away from his father and pulled Bear closer, "Daddy, did you order Mama and tell her she had to go to Loki?"

"Nope. Mama wanted to go because she thought she could help the most. But she was very sad to leave us."

Richard turned in his father’s arms, "I want Mama to come home now."

"I know, Son. Me too."

"But when will she come home?"

"As soon as she can."

The boy was tearful again, "Are you sure, Daddy?"

"Yep, I’m sure." Richie snuggled closer to him and – for the first time in more than a year - put his thumb in his mouth. John recognized his need for comfort and wrapped his arm around him to cradle him securely. He kissed his spiky red hair. He realized Richie was looking at the photo on the bedside table – John and Helena on their wedding day. He reached across Emma to pick it up and handed it to his youngest son. "I think Mama’s very beautiful."

Richie nodded, "Mama has pretty hair."

Emma took an interest for she had some information to share on this topic, "Alex has hair like Mama, but I have hair like Daddy. And I have my father’s hot temper and his stubborn streak."

John was a little shocked, "Who told you that, Emma?"

"Aunt Kate."

"No one has hair like me, " Richard’s lower lip drooped and his eyes watered.

John pulled him closer, "Richie, the person in our family who had red hair is Mama’s father. Your hair is the same color as your grandfather’s. When you were born, Mama saw your hair and she was so happy because your red hair reminded her of her dad." John realized the whole concept of grandparents was lost on his children, as they were only the second generation of Alphans. "Do you know your grandfather’s name?"

Richie shook his head no.

"His name was Richard."

"The same as me?"

John nodded yes, "Same as you – you’re named Richard for him – in honour of him."

Emma proclaimed, "I’m named Emma Rachel Koenig and that’s for Mama’s mama and Daddy’s mama."

"That’s right."

Alex sat up, "Dad, do you remember when I was born."

"’Course I do. We were waiting and waiting and waiting for you to be born. Before you were born, I wasn’t a father. I couldn’t wait for the day when you would be born and I would become a father." John smiled as he met his eldest son’s deep blue eyes.

"I was in Mama’s tummy like Emma and Richie, wasn’t I?"

"Sure were. You must have liked it in there. It took you a long time to decide to come out." John thought about the week when Helena was overdue with Alex and Mathias’ suggestion that intercourse might trigger contractions. "Mama and I waited and waited." And very pleasantly, John declined to add.

Emma piped up, "Do you remember when I was born?"

"Course I do. You were just about the opposite of Alex. He was born one week late and you, young lady, were born one week early. You couldn’t wait to come into the world."

"I like it here," Emma said nodding.

John couldn’t help laughing, "Hmm, I know you do." His lively daughter had been in a hurry most of her young life. "I like having all three of you here." He pulled each of them closer and snuggled the covers around them.

"But Dad, is there anything about me that’s the same as you?" Alex asked with great seriousness.

"I think lots of things are the same, Tiger. Our eyes are the same color." Alex looked confused as this was something he didn’t immediately understand. John reached his hand out and held it next to Alex’s smaller hand, "Mama says we have the same hands – we both have long fingers."

Richie rolled over and raised himself up with his elbows on John’s chest, "Daddy, do we have anything the same?"

John turned back to his younger son, "You have my name."

"But your name isn’t Richie, " The redhead frowned.

"What’s your whole name?"

Richie frowned more deeply.

"I know, I know," Emma chimed in. "Richie, your name is Richard John Koenig. And John is Daddy’s other name."

Richie knew Mama called Daddy John. He smiled, "Really?"

Emma raised her head off the pillow, "Is Mama in Uncle Alan’s eagle?"

John met his daughter’s green eyes, "I think Mama’s on Loki now."

"Is she at the waterfall?"

Alex shook his head and leaned over toward his sister. "No, Emma it’s too cold at the waterfall. It’s frozen – it’s wintertime."

John watched his five year old daughter struggle to reconcile the wisdom of her seven year old brother with her own experience of Loki – sun, waterfalls, swimming with her parents, her only experience of the planet. "Daddy, why did Uncle Alan take Mama to Loki?"

"Because Uncle Alan’s the best flyer. Just like Mama’s the best surgeon."

Alex asked, "Daddy, what are you best at?"

Emma knew that one, "Daddy’s best at kendo – he has four prizes."

John was grateful for Emma’s answer. He wasn’t sure he had a better one.

Richie tried again, "Can we talk to Mama now?"

"Not right now, Richie. Mama needs some rest – so do you." John really didn’t want to wake Helena. He knew it would only make her task harder. "Let’s all try to sleep."

The three kids finally seemed willing to go along with the plan. John lay on his back and noticed their three heads peeking out of the blue covers. Alex’s white blonde – even blonder than Helena, Richie’s bright red carrot top – a tribute to a grandfather he’d never know, a man who could never have imagined the intergalactic life his daughter led - and Emma’s curly black hair.

John lay still as miraculously all three kids quickly drifted to sleep. Soon he joined them.

Hours later, he did not hear Helena enter their quarters. She moved quietly through the family room. Having decided against calling when the weather broke giving the eagles an early departure window, it seemed silly to wake them now. She glanced into the kitchen as she passed and stopped abruptly when she recognised Kate’s rice pudding bowl. Hmmm…what kind of détente had her quarrelsome husband and opinionated best friend forged?

She gently opened the door to Emma’s room, expecting to see her daughter draped as ever across the bed, arms dangling over the edge, legs akimbo, sheets in a tangle. But no Emma. Had détente cooled into actual personnel exchange and was her daughter at Kate’s?

She moved onto the boys’ room. Bunk beds – two. Sons – none. Her heart beat faster. Kate was a good friend but for her to have all three children meant something catastrophic. Unless…

Opening the door to the master bedroom, she was immediately comforted by four heads peeking above the covers – her favorite rainbow – blonde, red, black, and a silver flecked version of the same. She sighed happily.

Richie was sprawled across John’s chest in the middle of the bed with Alex and Emma anchoring either end. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table – almost Alphan first shift morning. She saw her nightgown on the peg inside the door to the bathroom – as she had left it, not knowing she’d be gone for four days.

She moved silently to the bathroom and quickly removed her boots and uniform. Finally, some feeling back into her toes, which she reinforced by reaching into a drawer for a pair of thick socks. She changed quickly into her nightgown and washed her face and hands. As she was replacing the towel she heard a soft voice, "Mama?"

She turned back into the bedroom quickly and greeted her youngest with a bright smile. He smiled back and rose slowly. Helena brought a finger to her lips and motioned him to stay still.

She walked toward the closer side of the bed where Alex was curled on his side, his arm under his head, the mirror image of John’s sleeping pose, blonde version. Looking across the bed, Emma was sprawled, taking much more of the bed than a five year old would be expected to fill.

Helena maneuvered around Alex and crawled up the bed to rest between her two sons. Richie reached for her and she pulled him into her arms and kissed his head. He sighed and she happily realized he would soon fall back to sleep. She had slept on the flight, but the last few days had been exhausting and she wanted nothing more than to enjoy the fact that she was surrounded by her family and all were safe and well. Soon she too was asleep.

Helena woke to gentle kisses along her neck and smiled softly. She felt John pull her backward into his embrace and press his body against her back. She turned her head slightly, eyes still closed, and met his lips. They kissed sweetly. She rolled from her side onto her back and opened her eyes, happy to see John smiling down at her. He leaned forward to kiss her deeply, stopping only when they ran out of air.

"Okay?" he asked softly as his lips grazed her forehead.

"UmmHmm. You?"

He turned to check on Emma behind him and looked across her at his sons, then whispered, "We’re fine – especially now that we have you back." He leaned toward her to kiss her again.

She reached for his cheeks and moved closer to say softly, "I’m happy to be back. My feet were cold."

"Let me warm you," he whispered as he stroked her back and moved even closer to her.

"You have already," She smiled and kissed him softly, happy to enjoy these moments of tranquillity before their children awakened.

"Helena, I owe you an apology." He softly leaned his forehead against hers.

She reached for his face. "We should talk about this. I know you feel really strongly about it, but you have to let me do my job."

"I know."

"I think I can do it and be there for the kids. I can still be a good mother."

"You’re a phenomenal mother."

"John, we need to work this out."

"I know."

 June, 2000

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