The Scent of Pine and Roses

Emma was sitting on the banister of the front porch; clad in shorts and a midriff tank top, bare feet wrapped around the railing. She leaned over towards the climbing rose bush in fascination, finger out. The bright yellow butterfly left the pink rose petals and landed on her outstretched finger. With a look of utter fascination, she brought the butterfly closer to examine it. Her smile expressed her enchantment as she turned her green glittering eyes from the insect. "Alex will love this!" she said with laughter in her voice.

Alan walked up behind her, also wearing a tank top with jeans, feet bare, his arms around her bare waist. Chin resting on Emma's shoulder, he smiled at the butterfly and turned as well. "I told you she'd still be in uniform," he said to his lover.

The two were exactly the same age. Both were in their mid-twenties, Alan much like he had been when Helena had first come to Alpha. His blond hair was worn long, over his ears and almost hanging in his eyes.

"It's time to come home," Emma said gently.

"Let others wear the uniform for a while," Alan suggested.

"But John, I can't leave him."

"He'll come too, very soon," Emma coaxed.

"I can't leave John," Helena repeated, confused, but not quite sure why.

 John held tightly to her hand. She mumbled again, "I can't leave John."

 Richard approached the bed in Medical Center, glanced at the monitors above his mother's head and met his father's worried gaze. "I'm sorry, Dad. It's really only a matter of time, now. There's nothing more we can do."

"Have you talked to Alex?" John asked quietly.

Richard nodded. "He's on his way from Loki right now, and pushing the Eagle to its limit. He's almost here, but I'm not sure he'll be in time."

John nodded, and turned back to the woman he loved. The last two days had been the worst kind of hell. He had awakened yesterday morning, and turned over to hold Helena, as he had done all the many years they had been together. He knew immediately that something was wrong, although he couldn't quite put it into words. "Helena?" he asked softly.

She didn't move, she didn't turn to him. Somehow she looked like a broken doll that had been cast aside. Her eyes opened, but she said nothing. A tear escaped her eye. Alarmed, he had grabbed his slate and called Richard. Richard had arrived at a run in response to his father's panicked call, clad only in trousers, holding his jacket, feet bare. He had examined his mother gently, then looked into her eyes. "Mom, if you can here me, blink twice, okay?"

She blinked twice quickly.

"You've had a stroke. I'm going to get you down to Medical Center and we'll see how much damage has been done, okay?"

She blinked twice again.

They had taken her to Medical Center. John had tried to follow, but found Suzi at his side, urging him to dress first, and insisting on breakfast. By the time he arrived, Richard could tell him how bad things were.

Things were very bad.

By late in the day, she could speak, a little. Slowly, slurred, eyes tearing with impatience. She asked him to hold her hand, then she cried again because she couldn't' feel it. Richard said that mentally, she was completely fine, but physically, there was extreme damage to her spine, and it not only had her paralyzed, but her main systems, renal, digestive, coronary were shutting down. During the past twenty-four hours her heart had stopped four times and Richard's ICU team had revived her. The last time, when John had been allowed to hold her hand again, she had whispered to him, "no more". Telling Richard her wishes had been the hardest thing he had ever done.

Now she spoke, so softly he almost couldn't hear her. "I saw Emma. There were butterflies. It was so pretty."

John exchanged a look with Richard, who just shrugged.

Helena continued. "She said how much Alex would like them."

"Like what?"

"The butterflies," she said simply.

Alex slipped into the room and knelt on the other side of the bed taking her hand in his. "Mama?" he said softly.

Richard touched his shoulder. "She can't feel your hand, Alex. Touch her cheek."

Alex looked wounded, but moved up and touched her cheek softly.

"Helena," John prompted. "Alex is here."

Helena gave an uneven smile and her eyes fluttered open briefly. "Alex, Emma wants to show you the butterflies."

Alex looked at his father, tears streaming down his face, but it was his brother who placed a hand on his shoulder. "She's been talking about Alan and Emma for a couple of hours now."

Emma leaned back against Alan and swung long legs gracefully over the railing, trusting him to keep her steadied. She landed on bare feet with an easy elegance. "They can't see or hear us." she said with amusement.

Arms still around Emma, Alan added gently. "It's time to tell them goodbye, Helena."

Helena blinked and focused on Alex's blond hair, now graying, and his tanned skin. "You've been on Loki?"

"Yes. I've been finding some marvelous things."

"I wish I had time for you to tell me all about it."

Despite the tears running down his face, he grinned like a little boy as he thought about his work. He started to tell her what he'd just learned about the puffballs, but realized she had turned her eyes to Richard. He felt a moment of panic as he fully realized that she was saying goodbye. She had always been as close as his slate, ready to listen to his theories, asking questions to guide and assist his research.

"Richard, you've become such a wonderful doctor. I'm so proud of you."

Richard leaned heavily against his older brother's shoulder. He had worked hard all his life to make his mother proud, but she rarely gave this kind of blanket praise. "Thank you, Mom," he said faintly. Alex's hand covered his and Richard took comfort from his brother's presence.

"I love you both so much," she said, a tear escaping to slide down the side of her face. "Where's Preston-- the twins?"

"The twins are on C-2, Helena, building the new Eagle," John reminded her. Denys and Daniel were as extraordinary an engineering team as their parents had been.

Preston slid into the room, holding tightly to his cousin Bella's hand. He had been waiting in the observation room of the ICU with Bella to give his uncles time with their mother. "I'm here, Grandma."

Having heard his uncle's instructions to Alex he came close to his grandmother's side and touched her cheek. She smiled and her eyes closed again.

"Preston, you and your brothers-- helped me cope when we lost Emma. You kept me young."

"Grandma, you were the one to help me," Preston said.

"Take care of your brothers."

"I always will, Grandma."

"He's very handsome," Emma said with a smile, her head cocked to one side.

"You're biased," Alan murmured in her ear, teasing.

"I think he looks a lot like you," she replied.

"Oh, well, then you must be right!" he said brightly. "He's a fine young man, Helena. You and John did a marvelous job of raising our boys."

"They received a good start in a loving home," Helena responded. "You both have every right to be proud of them."

She could hear a breeze blowing through the pines and smell the unmistakable scent of pine trees after a spring shower mingled with the scent of roses. Alan motioned her to the swing on the end of the porch and settled into a rocker nearby. Emma perched on the arm of the rocker, arm around Alan's shoulder.

There was a breathtaking view of the valley below through the pines and sunlight burst through the scudding clouds. "It's so beautiful here," she said, still in a daze. She wasn't sure why this was beginning to feel more real than Alpha. Alpha had been her home for such a long time, and the place she had been the happiest.

She felt John's grief and fear. "John--"

"I'm right here, my love," he said softly.

"Bella," she called to her granddaughter, eldest of the grandchildren by just a matter of days.

"I'm right here, Grandma," she said. Bella had been with her since they had brought her to the IC unit which had long been Bella's domain. With her silky blonde hair cut just below her ears and the white sleeve of her tunic she was a haunting duplicate of Helena as she had been at Breakaway.

"Take care of your grandfather for me."

Bella's arm was around her grandfather. "Of course, Grandma." She reached forward to soothe Helena's brow.

Helena smiled. "You know how difficult he can be."

Bella hugged her grandfather. "I can handle him." She gently joined her grandmother's teasing.

John couldn't stop the tears from flowing even as he grinned at his beloved. "It's not fair for you two to gang up on me."

"No," Helena replied. "It's Bella's job now."

The scent of pine and roses was even stronger now. She could hear Alan's insistent voice, "Helena, it's time."

John could feel her emotions, as always. There was a feeling of peace and acceptance. She was far beyond any fear. This comforted him.

"John," she said. "Alan says I can't stay any longer."

John leaned forward and gave her a long slow deep kiss. His sons had never seen him kiss her so passionately-- at least not when their father knew they were present. John's tears mingled with hers and he traced the curve of her ear with his fingers, whispering his love to her.

She whispered in his ear. "There are pine trees and roses. Don't take too long."

"I'll be there as soon as I can, my love." He kissed her earlobe and suddenly all the color left the universe.

Helena was no longer there.

He clung to her still warm body for a long time. Bella and Richard took the others away and gave him some time. All he could do was whisper his love into her ear, which would no longer hear him. Bella finally returned and firmly led him away. The grief was a physical thing wrapped tight around his chest and keeping everyone at a distance. Suzi was there, and Dinah, and Maya, but mostly he followed Bella's lead, the ache so deep in his soul no words or touches could reach. He felt lost and nothing had any depth or familiarity.

The day seemed interminably long. He accepted people's condolences and must have said the right things since no one seemed to notice anything amiss. They didn't realize that life had stopped for him at Helena's last breath.

Bella stayed with him that evening, sending everyone else away with an air of authority that echoed her grandmother's. After a quiet dinner for just the two of them -- her husband would keep their children while John needed her-- she poured them each a glass of wine and listened to an old man talk about the love of his life. She couldn't let him stay alone. She had already been treating him for heart problems before her grandmother's stroke, and she wasn't sure he could deal with a dysfunctional heart and a broken heart at the same time. She worried.

It was nearly midnight when he crawled in bed alone with his grief. He didn't think he would sleep, but almost as soon as he closed his eyes the scent of pine trees and roses filled his nostrils.

The sun shone brightly on the climbing rose bush. The front door opened and Helena stepped onto the front porch. She was clad in the blue velvet dress that laced up the side, one arm bare. Her cap of golden hair shone brightly in the sunlight. At her smile he rushed up the stairs and into her arms giving her a kiss that made their last kiss look like a peck on the cheek.

Alex and Richard were sitting together in Richard's living room talking about their parents, their childhood, their absent sister, when Bella called.

"Dad, Uncle Richard," Bella had a hard time getting the words out, and she hadn't called Richard "uncle" since she was twelve. "It's Grandpa. He's-- with Grandma again."

Ellen Lindow

May 15, 1999