I will make no profit. All rights belong to whoever owns them right now. I can't keep up.

All That Can Matter

Lulamae

November 30, 2001

Revised: May 30, 2004

     Watching helplessly while the Triton probe controlled Helena and caused her to transmit classified information to them, John swore to himself he would find a way to stop their use of her before it was too late; before Helena's fate was the same as Ted Clifford's. He was not going to let them kill her.

     Moving slightly closer, wanting to reach out and touch Helena but knowing he couldn't - didn't dare - John watched for any sign of the control ending. He knew he was allowing his personal feelings for Helena to influence his command judgement, but he couldn't help it. He loved her - he was in love with her - and knew Helena felt the same about him. John suspected the only reason they hadn't consummated their relationship was because the opportunity had not yet presented itself. He would not allow himself to think that now it would never happen. He would keep Helena from harm.

     Helena pulled in a deep breath, her eyes opening wide. She eased away from the computer panel and leaned against it. She blinked quickly, bringing her hand up to her temple and gasped.

     "Helena!" John was immediately beside her, arms about her to keep her from slumping to the floor. Each time the Triton probe released control of her, Helena's reaction was more alarming. She swallowed hard and leaned against John, trembling slightly. Koenig glanced up and nodded once. In moments Bob Mathias and a medical team had taken charge of Helena and hurried her off to the Medical Center, where she would be examined for the sixth time in less than twenty four hours. John watched as Helena was taken away, wanting to be with her, but knowing he had to concentrate on finding a way to help her.

     Turning to Paul Morrow, John met his gaze and said, "I'll be with Professor Bergman."

     "Very good, sir," Paul replied as he watched Koenig hurry out of Main Mission. He glanced around the room and met Sandra Benes' eyes, both knowing the Commander's concern for Doctor Russell was more than professional.

     Several hours later, John Koenig sat beside Helena Russell's Medical Center bed as she rested. He watched her closely, and glanced up at Mathias, who stood on the other side of the bed. He checked her monitors, gave Koenig a quick, worried glance and a nod, then left them alone. John knew the doctor's concerns, he shared them. Helena would not survive much longer. Each time she was activated by the Triton probe, her entire system was further drained and her brain put at additional risk, but that was soon to end. Victor and Kano were certain of it.

     Reaching out to touch Helena's arm, John took her hand and smiled as she slowly opened her eyes.

     "John..."

     "How do you feel?" Koenig leaned closer, anxious to tell her the plan, to assure her it would all soon be over, but also wanting her to know his concern was for her first.

     Helena smiled tiredly and shrugged her shoulders, leaning into the pillow of her medical bed. "All right, I suppose." Her voice was soft - tired, frightened, the expression in her eyes matching her voice.

     John nodded and squeezed her hand gently. Helena needed something to hold on to, some hope to which she could cling. He hoped he could provide that for her. "Helena, Victor, Kano and I believe we have found a way to end this."

     "How?" The pleading look in her eyes made John swallow hard, then he told her of the plan to jam the computer circuits, allowing him to take an Eagle into the Triton probe, and about programming the computer to transmit only the data they wanted to share with the Tritons. He could see Helena was doubtful as to how effective the scheme would be, but was holding on to the slim hope it would work. She questioned John about a couple of points, then agreed, resigned to the fact she really had no choice. It was the only hope she had, and she did not want to end up like Ted Clifford.

     Glancing up as Bob Mathias once more approached her bed, Helena watched while he checked the monitors, exchanged a look with Koenig, then smiled down at her. "How are you feeling, Helena?"

     "Tired, frightened,... wondering how long until I..." Helena's voice cracked, unable to finish her thought. John squeezed her hand in an attempt to comfort her as Helena shook her head defiantly, determined not to give in.

     Mathias nodded with understanding and smiled gently. "Then you should get some rest," Mathias advised her. He continued, "Commander, may I see you a moment?"

     Mathias met Koenig's gaze, John nodded, and both men left Helena's bed side to stand a few feet away. As they discussed her, Helena's eyes glazed over for a brief moment, then she blinked. John and Bob turned back toward her. "Would it be all right if I rest away from here, Bob?" she wanted to know, forcing herself to stay focused and alert.

     Mathias slowly nodded as John returned to her bedside. "I don't see why not," was the doctor's reply. The regret in his voice told Helena he held out little hope for her, and was to the point of making her as comfortable as possible in what could be her final hours.

     She nodded grimly and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. "Take me out of here, John," she stated. Koenig stepped forward and helped Helena to stand. She steadied herself against him, grateful for his hand on her shoulder. Koenig glanced at Mathias and escorted Helena from the Medical Center.

     "Where would you like to go, Helena?" John asked as they slowly walked toward the nearest travel tube stop.

     "I don't know, I just needed to be away from there," was her soft reply.

     "Bob suggested you rest. Your quarters?"

     "No, not my quarters, John, please."

     Koenig studied her carefully and made his decision. He nodded and when the travel tube arrived, helped Helena in and to sit. They rode in silence for several stops, heading toward the living quarters area of the base. When the tube stopped, John escorted Helena from the car and down the hall. She glanced at him and smiled gratefully as they neared his quarters.

     "Thank you, John," she said as she gave his arm a gentle squeeze. He returned the smile as he opened the door to his quarters and brought the lights up. "No one should disturb you here."

     Helena entered his rooms and glanced around, crossing to the couch. She sat and stared ahead of her for a moment, then met John's gaze as he sat beside her. "I don't want to be alone, John."

     Koenig smiled and reached up to caress her cheek gently. "I'll stay as long as you want me to," he promised. Reaching for his commlock, Koenig put in a call to Paul Morrow to let him know he would not be back to Main Mission for some time. As he put the device away, he saw Helena begin to tremble and tears come to her eyes.

     "Helena?" he asked, trying to hide the fear in his voice.

     "I'm frightened, John, terrified that... that I'll die the same way Ted Clifford died, or that... perhaps once you get inside the sphere - if you get in - they will do to you what they have done to me..." Helena's voice was so soft John could barely hear her. He shook his head slowly and grasped both her hands in his.

     "I can't guarantee you that both of us will come out of this totally unharmed, but there's a very good chance of it with this plan we've devised," John assured her, his thumbs rubbing against the backs of her hands.

     Helena took a shuddering breath and nodded as she looked at John's hands holding hers. "Tell me again, John. Explain what's going to happen."

     John smiled gently and nodded. "Next time you are activated, Kano will jam enough computer circuits to cut off the force field and your line of communication with the probe. It will be long enough to allow us to take off. By the time computer clears all the circuits, we should be inside the sphere, and when they re-activate you, Kano will have programmed the computer to relay only the information we want them to know. It's our best chance, Helena."

     Helena raised her gaze to meet John's, her expression soft and troubled. "Will it work?" she asked, almost afraid to hear his answer.

     "It has to, Helena." There was no mistaking the determination in John's voice.

     "And if...," Helena shook her head as her voice trailed off, unable to ask the question of this man. She loved him - was falling in love with him - and did not want to contemplate the possibilities, but John knew what she couldn't ask. He raised his hand to gently caress her cheek, their gazes locked.

     "Then I'll know I did it to help you, to keep you from harm and as safe as possible. I'm confident it won't come to that, Helena. I'm positive I'll come back to Alpha - to you." He pulled Helena close and kissed her tenderly. Helena relaxed into his embrace and lost herself in his kiss. This was as normal and safe as she had felt in a very long time. She wanted more, she needed more, just in case... Finally Helena looked up and met John's gaze again.

     "John, will you make love to me?" Her question startled him and John's eyes grew wide. He'd hoped their relationship was headed in that direction, but wasn't sure this was the time.

     Helena could see her request had taken John by surprise and she straightened a bit to meet his gaze more completely. "John, neither of us can be certain that this will work, or that both of us will survive it. I don't want to chance not knowing what we could have shared," she told him. "I love you, and I want to show you how much."

     Koenig took a deep breath and released it slowly. He met and held her gaze. "You're sure, Helena, absolutely certain you're ready for this?"

     "I'm positive, John. I want this night to remember, in case..." Her voice trailed off as she shuddered.

     John understood what Helena was saying. He'd had some of the same concerns, the same fears as those she had just expressed. He studied Helena carefully and stared deeply into her eyes. He saw her genuine need to be with him, her desire to take the next step. She was not asking simply because one or both of them might not survive the next few hours, but because she truly loved him and wanted to be with him. John nodded, then lowered his head slightly to kiss Helena again.

     She opened her mouth to his kiss, her tongue seeking John's. The kiss deepened, became more intense and John felt Helena lean closer to him. She caressed his chest through his uniform tunic, her hands slowly inching down to remove his belt. She laid it aside and slowly slid her hands up John's torso, under his tunic, her fingers gently caressing his chest.

     John felt himself beginning to respond, and knew he wanted to be more comfortable than on the couch. He pulled back from Helena, took her hands and stood, bringing her to her feet. He caressed up her arms, over her shoulders and down her sides, delighting as the curve of her breasts fit into the palms of his hands.

     "Let me," he breathed as he began to undress Helena. John removed her belt, then slid the tunic zipper down her sleeve, exposing her shoulder to the air. John bent and trailed kisses over her shoulder and along her neck, then captured her mouth with his.

     He broke the kiss only to raise Helena's tunic over her head and discard it on the couch when she pulled her arms free. She stepped closer to him, her hand caressing his chest, then moving it lower, to his groin, cupping his growing hardness in her hand and stroking gently.

     "John,..." Helena's warm breath on his neck ignited the fire in Koenig, but he took great care in continuing to undress her, kneeling down to allow Helena to steady herself with a hand on his shoulder as he removed one boot, then the other, finally lowering her trousers and helping her to step out of them. Then he stood once more, watching with appreciation while Helena removed her bra and panties, giving John his first look at her fully nude body.

     Standing, John then began to remove his own clothing, taking pleasure in allowing Helena to watch. He did not strip, but slowly and deliberately undressed, a quick thrill going through him when he removed his undershorts and Helena saw his hard and erect penis for the first time. A gasp of wonder and appreciation escaped her lips.

     Tentatively Helena stepped forward and reached out to caress John's blood engorged penis. She stroked the length of it lightly and wrapped her fingers around its diameter. "You're so big, John..."

     He blushed slightly and swallowed hard. He'd heard that same comment from other women, and it had always made him feel flattered, but hearing it from Helena caused him to hesitate slightly. Helena was so fragile just now that he didn't want to do anything that might hurt her in any way. He took a deep breath and watched. Helena continued to admire his erection. He realized she was not in the least intimidated and his fears faded. John took Helena's hand and led her across the floor and into his bedroom. She smiled and sat slowly, then lay back on the bed to rest her head on the pillows. John knelt beside her, reaching out to caress her breasts. He bent low and kissed her mouth, then began kissing her neck, shoulders and chest, finally taking one nipple, then the other into his mouth.

     Helena stretched out on the bed, reaching up to caress John's chest and shoulders, stroking the tops of his ears and his neck as John suckled at her breasts. She moaned softly as John strayed one hand down over her belly to rub his fingers gently over her triangle of curly pubic hair. She closed her eyes and leaned back into the pillows, wanting to lose herself in the sensations John was creating.

     Moving his hand to caress Helena's inner thigh, he glanced at her as she gasped and opened her legs to give him better access. John slid his fingers down into her slit and found warm moistness waiting for him. He smiled as he began to stimulate her and she responded with an eagerness that put to rest any residual fears he'd been trying to ignore. There was no longer any doubt in his mind. Helena not only wanted this, she was more than ready for it.

     Removing his other hand from Helena's breast, John caressed down her body. He smoothed his hands over her hips, thighs and legs, then caressed upward on her calves, raising her legs to bend at the knees.

     Helena raised her head from the pillow far enough to meet John's gaze and reached out to caress his arm. She smiled. He moved to kneel between her raised and parted legs and she smiled her answer to his unspoken question. Yes, she was ready. Yes, she was sure she wanted this.

     Positioning himself carefully, John pressed the head of his penis against her vaginal opening and moved his hips forward. He entered her slowly and gently. Helena's moan of delight encouraged John and he pushed himself all the way in. Helena reached for his shoulders and gripped them tightly, her eyes squeezed shut as she fought to control her breathing. A soft moan of discomfort escaped her and John's head snapped up.

     "Helena?" His voice was full of concern, and he moved to withdraw, but Helena shook her head against the pillows and opened her eyes to meet his worried gaze. "I'm all right, John. Just... give me a little time to get used to you. I haven't done this... in a long time."

     "Why didn't you tell me, I'd have..." John's voice trailed off as Helena raised a hand to place a finger against his lips. She smiled and pulled him down to kiss him.

     "Shhhhh.... Just give me time to adjust..." She kissed him again, then John stretched out on top of her, resting his arms on either side of Helena's body. He tried to be as still as he could, but bent his head to take a nipple into his mouth again.

     Helena savored the feeling of having John inside her. When she was ready, she raised her legs and wrapped them around John's thighs, pushing her hips up toward him. John let her set the pace, until he could no longer stay still. He began thrusting into her, as gently as possible. Their climax built slowly, until Helena was in ecstasy beneath him. John threw his head back as he exploded inside her, then fell forward, resting his head on her chest. Slowly their breathing returned to normal and John rolled away from her.

     After gathering Helena into his arms and kissing the side of her head, John caressed her arms gently, turning his head so he could see her face. "Why didn't you tell me, Helena?"

     She shrugged lazily and turned her head to kiss John's neck and shoulder. "I don't know. I knew you wouldn't hurt me." John smiled and enjoyed the warmth of holding Helena close to him. It had been a very satisfying first time and he could tell by the smile on Helena's face she had no complaints either.

     Beginning to think he should call and check on the status of the Eagle he would be taking to the Triton probe, John realized Helena had other things in mind when she lowered her hand to caress between their touching bodies, her fingers finding and stroking his penis. John felt himself begin to harden again, then he gasped when Helena sat up beside him, her hand wrapped around his hardening member. She glanced sideways and smiled, then lowered her head and took his penis into her mouth.

     John moaned. Helena's mouth was warm and moist, the suction she created intense, and she was giving him the most incredible blow job he'd ever had. She knew just what to do and where to touch him. He groaned and sucked in a deep breath, knowing he wouldn't last much longer. He arched his hips, pushing himself even further into Helena's mouth. Her tongue played with the tip of his prick and he felt himself ready to come.

     Unexpectedly, Helena released his penis from her mouth. John's eyes shot open and he reached for her head with both hands, trying to guide her mouth back down to his hard on. He wanted her to finish the blow job, but Helena had other plans. She shook her head and laid back on the bed, her fingers wrapped around his hard dick, pulling him over and onto her as she lay back and opened wide to him. Her voice was rough with need, "I want you inside me when you come, John."

     Koenig growled. He reached down to find her clit and rubbed it vigorously, feeling her juices increase. Helena moaned with need and desire, still holding John's penis with her fingers. He met her gaze, then grabbed a breast with each hand, bringing her nipples to hardness. Helena was softly begging him to take her, and John did just that. He positioned himself carefully, then thrust into her deeply, bringing a scream of delight from her. Although well lubricated, Helena was still tight from years of celibacy and he knew his roughness was causing her discomfort, but she didn't seem to care.  She continued to encourage him. John had never really enjoyed rough sex, always mindful of his partner's comfort, but his frustration with the aborted blow job and his mounting need, along with Helena's encouragement caused him to temporarily abandon caution and indulge himself in the urges he felt. John thrust himself deeply into Helena, pushing himself in as far as he could go, then he pulled out almost all the way, only to repeat the deep thrust. Each time he felt his penis push deep, she released a quick cry of pleasure. Her gasps came in time with his thrusts, urging him toward climax. Helena grabbed his butt and tried to push him even further into her as she again wrapped her legs over his thighs. John felt the pressure begin to build and he increased his speed, so his thrusts came quickly now. Helena continued to be quite vocal with her responses in time to his movements. He again reached to stimulate her clit and Helena climaxed seconds before he did.

     John collapsed on top of Helena, both breathing heavily and covered in a sheen of perspiration. Helena licked her dry lips and smiled at John as he raised his head to look at her. "Are you all right?" he asked, still trying to catch his breath.

     "Mmmmm,.... lovely," Helena purred as she felt the fire John had ignited in her begin to dwindle. Koenig nodded as he regained his even breathing, then withdrew from Helena, despite her soft sigh of disappointment. He kissed her gently and pulled her into his embrace.

     "I need to rest," he told her. Helena simply sighed and settled into John's arms. They drifted in a hazy, contented afterglow, neither wanting to let the night end, knowing they faced the reality of the Triton probe when it did.

     An hour or so later, John woke to find Helena straddling him. His hard on was well advanced, and he simply watched as Helena dominated and controlled, riding him gently at first, then with more abandon until she screamed out her ecstasy when climax came. John was no where near ready and rolled Helena onto her back. As he tried to enter her, Helena squirmed away, deciding to be playful. When she finally allowed John to catch her, he took her from the rear as she bent forward over the back of a chair.

     Finally, almost sated, John and Helena made love for the last time that night, gently and slowly, on the bed before showering and falling asleep.

     Helena woke to the sounds of nearby movement. John was up and dressed, and carefully laying her uniform over the back of a nearby chair. She sat slowly and ran her fingers through her hair. "John?"

     He turned and smiled at her, crossing to the bed and bending down to kiss her softly. "I have to go, Helena. The Eagle is ready and..." John didn't finish his sentence when Helena glanced away and nodded.

     He caught her head between his hands and leaned close, meeting her eyes. "I'll come back to you, Helena. One way or another, I'll be back... I love you." Again John kissed her softly, then left his quarters.

     A few minutes later Helena rose and dressed. She left John's quarters, making certain no one saw her leave. On her way to the Medical Center she was activated again, and diverted to Main Mission. Kano jammed the computer circuits. The Eagle took off. The plan was underway.

     It was over. Helena had transmitted the data detailing the destruction of the Triton probe's home solar system. John had convinced the probe its mission was obsolete and it had self-destructed in an effort to reconcile the facts with its programming. John and the Eagle crew returned to Alpha unharmed, and Helena, no longer needing to fear being activated again, was happy to undergo one last medical exam, smiling joyfully when Bob declared her optic nerve to be lovely. John, who was beside her during the exam, chuckled.

     Ever pensive, Victor wondered what the answer was if knowledge was not. Bob Mathias shooed all three of them from the Medical Center, ordering them all, and Helena especially, to get some rest. She was happy to obey that order, and retired to her quarters where she showered and went to bed.

     Early the next morning, Helena Russell woke to extreme discomfort and distress. She lay still for a moment, realizing the discomfort, which was bordering on pain, was gynecological in nature. She closed her eyes and concentrated, trying to localize the source of the pain, and remember what might have caused it. Had the Triton probe done more to her than make it possible for her to relay the information they wanted? That thought made Helena's heart beat faster and she tried not to panic. She didn't know that was what happened, but was certain she had to find out. Sitting carefully, Helena gasped as the discomfort grew. She straightened slowly, aware the stiffness and soreness increased with movement.

     Crossing to her closet, Helena dressed as quickly as she could, aware of extreme tenderness and soreness in her breasts. She gasped when she saw what appeared to be bruises all around her nipples. Wanting to call John and ask him if he would help her to Medical Center but not wanting to panic him after the events of the past two days, Helena finished dressing and started for Medical Center on her own. She'd had enough of medical exams over the past forty eight hours, but knew this could not be ignored.

     Bob Mathias glanced up from consulting with Ben Vincent when he heard the Medical Center door open. He nodded to Ben, and frowned when he turned to see Helena entering. "Doctor, you should be off duty today. Ben and I can handle... Helena?" He hurried over to her as a look of pain crossed her face. She wrapped her arms over her abdomen as pain gripped her. Mathias put a supporting arm around Helena's waist and signaled for help.

     Between Ben and Bob, they soon had Helena on a diagnostic bed, beginning to check her over. Helena breathed deeply as the pain and discomfort began to ease, and opened her eyes to meet the concerned gazes of the two other doctors. She gave them a weak smile and nodded that she was a bit better. "What happened, Helena?" Bob asked.

     She shook her head against the pillow. "I don't really know. I woke to discomfort and distress. By the time I got here..." He nodded, aware her condition was slowly improving.

     "Let's have a look, shall we?" Mathias signaled for a nurse, but paused when Helena put her hand on his arm and squeezed gently.

     "The pain is gynecological, Bob, and... I don't know why." Her voice cracked slightly as she again took a deep breath to keep the panic down. Mathias nodded and arranged to have Helena moved to a private cubicle before the exam began.

     Knowing Helena Russell to be a woman in control of herself and her actions, Bob Mathias puzzled over the results of her exam. He glanced across the small room to where Helena dozed, satisfied the mild sedative and muscle relaxer he'd given her was allowing her to rest comfortably. He wasn't quite sure how he would tell her the results of the examination.

     An hour later, Helena Russell woke, feeling better. The discomfort had lessened and she could adjust her position in bed without distress. Helena was about to signal for a nurse and ask to see Bob when he entered the private cubicle and stepped up to her bed. He had exam results in hand.

     "How do you feel, Helena?" he asked, scanning the monitors at her head.

     Helena nodded as she met his gaze. "Better, the cramps have eased."

     "Good. Helena, I... think we need to talk," he said gently. He shook his head at her startled, worried expression as he helped her into a sitting position. Bob pulled a chair up beside her bed.

     "What did you find, Bob?" Helena wanted to know as he looked down at the exam results he still held in his hand. He looked up and steadily met Helena's gaze. He took a deep breath.

     "The results of my examination indicate a... great deal of sexual intercourse, some of it apparently quite... enthusiastic..." he stated gently, aware Helena's eyes had gone wide when hearing his report.

     Helena took a deep breath to keep herself from panicking. Now that Bob had said it, everything she had been feeling was making sense, but it couldn't be. It wasn't possible.

     "May I?" Helena asked in a less than steady voice. Mathias nodded and handed the exam results to his fellow physician, having known in advance she would ask to see them.

     Taking another deep breath, Helena lowered her gaze to study the notes and observations Bob had made. She agreed with his findings, but didn't understand them. Helena returned the data to Bob, and when she spoke, her voice was soft and tremulous. "Bob, I haven't... I haven't been with anyone since... since Lee died.... over five years ago."

     Helena took another deep breath and forced herself to stay calm. Did this mean she'd been... assaulted? But when? Had the Triton probe done more to her than make her its link to the Alphan computer? She had to know but at the same time didn't want to know.

     Mathias watched the emotions wash over her and sat beside Helena quietly until she looked at him with pleading eyes. She wasn't disputing or questioning his findings, only telling him the facts as she knew them. Considering what she had been through in the past couple of days, they had to find out what had happened. He swallowed to be sure of his voice before he spoke. "Helena, you don't remember having sexual intercourse?"

     She shook her head negatively, resisting the urge to scream out her fear and panic. How could she not remember? "Was I raped, Bob?" she asked, her voice flat and unsteady.

     "There is no physical evidence of force being used, Helena, but as you know, that is not a conclusive indicator. My medical opinion is that you were a willing participant or...under some kind of external influence that prevented you from resisting," he told her gently. Bob wanted to reach out and physically comfort her, but knew it wasn't wise. Until they knew for certain, they would have to treat this as a rape case.

     "The probe..." her voice trailed off as she began to tremble. "How... how long ago, Bob?"

     "Within the last 48 hours. That would be within the possible time line."

     Helena nodded and slowly stood, walking across the width of the small exam cubicle. She held herself in tight control and turned back to face Bob. "Why didn't I know... feel it ... before this?"

     "I can only speculate, Helena, but perhaps you weren't allowed to feel it while under the influence of that probe," Bob offered.

     "I have to know, Bob," she declared. Mathias nodded as he rose and crossed to stand before Helena. "I agree. We have to re-construct the time line. What is the last thing you clearly remember?"

     Helena's mind was racing. She closed her eyes, trying to remember. As she concentrated, a terrifying thought came to her mind. Her eyes shot open and she turned to face her colleague, panic registering in her voice. "Bob... I'm not using any kind of birth control!"

     Mathias saw the signs of emotional shock beginning to manifest themselves and marveled that Helena was - outwardly anyway - as calm as she appeared to be. He carefully reached out to touch Helena's arm,, bringing Helena's gaze up to meet his. "What would you like to do?" he asked.

     Forcing herself not to tremble and to stay calm, Helena took a deep breath. "I can't take any chances, Bob. No new births here on Alpha, no matter what the circumstances. I know it isn't the morning after, and the effectiveness will be reduced, but...I can't wait to find out. I don't want to wait," Helena stated, still trying to keep herself from losing it.

     "All right. Would you like me to ask one of the nurses to sit with you while I go get it, or will you be all right by yourself?" Bob's face reflected a mixture of professional concern for his patient and colleague as well as worry for a friend.

     "I'll... I'll be all right by myself, Bob." Helena gave him an uncertain, uneasy smile. He watched her carefully for a few seconds, returned her smile with a nod, and assured her he would not be long.

     Helena watched as Bob left her room, closing the door behind him. She took a deep breath and shut her eyes, forcing the panic, the fear, the hysteria to stay in check. The enormity of what may have happened - been done to her - suddenly overwhelmed her and Helena leaned against the wall. She wanted this all to be over. She wanted to wake up and realize it was all just some horrible nightmare. She wanted to feel strong, caring arms around her, assuring her everything would be all right... John. How was she going to tell him? He had to know. He'd been so caring and concerned. He was the Commander. He had to know... She wanted him with her...

     Reaching for her commlock, Helena punched in John's code, hoping he wasn't in a meeting. It took a moment before her call was answered. "Koenig," he stated in a somewhat distracted voice.

     Helena swallowed and the pause caused John to look up. He felt immediate alarm when he saw Helena's pale, distraught face on his monitor screen. "Helena, what is it?" he asked, trying to keep his voice and manner gentle.

     "John,... could you... come to the Medical Center? I... I need you here." Her voice trembled and John could see she was fighting hard to keep her emotions in check.

     Koenig nodded even as he began to close down the file he was working on. "I'll be right there. Helena,... are you all right?"

     She shook her head no, unable to answer verbally, then cut the link. John was on his feet and heading out the door of his office as he was letting Paul Morrow know where he would be.

     John Koenig entered the Medical Center just as Bob Mathias was returning to Helena's room. Koenig strode over to him, his voice revealing his concern. "Doctor Russell?"

     "In there, Commander, but..." Koenig waved Mathias off and hurried toward the exam room. Mathias followed, entering only a few steps behind his Commander.

     "Helena?" John had moved to sit beside Helena on the exam bed, noting she was in patient pajamas and not her uniform. He took her hands, his concern growing, then glanced up at Mathias as he approached them both. "What's going on, Doctor?"

     Koenig glanced from Mathias, back to Helena, who had raised her gaze to meet Bob's. She trembled as she pulled her hands away from John's grasp. "Tell him..."

     "Tell me what?" John asked.

     "A moment, Commander." He signaled John to wait across the room. Reluctantly Koenig stood and moved to stand by the door while Bob gave Helena something - a pill it looked like - and some water to wash it down. He watched as Bob helped Helena to stretch out on the bed. He made sure she was comfortable, watched her a moment, then straightened and crossed the floor to join Koenig by the door.

     "What's going on, Mathias? Helena called me and asked to see me." Koenig's tone let Bob know he would tolerate no avoidance of his question. He had Helena's permission to tell Koenig the situation, so he chose his words carefully and informed John of the events as he knew them. "...evidence of Helena having had some rather... intense sexual intercourse within the last 48 hours, but she does not recall doing so. We were about to try re-constructing the time line... Commander?"

     John had gone suddenly pale, his jaw set in a hard line. He looked over to where Helena rested, then nailed Mathias with a look that said he wanted a straight answer.

     "That medication you just gave her...?"

     "Commonly known as the morning after pill, sir. Helena was frightened that conception might have occurred since she is not currently using any form of birth control," Mathias stated quietly, not wanting their conversation to be overheard by Helena.

     Koenig met Mathias' gaze steadily. "She was with me, Bob. After we left here, we went to my quarters... I was her partner." John turned to look at Helena, taking a deep breath to keep his stomach from turning over. "Oh, God... I never asked if she was... I thought she'd tell me if... if we needed to use precautions..." Koenig felt himself flush with shame and guilt. He'd only wanted to be with Helena, to help her get her mind off the probe and now... "Why didn't she tell me?"

     Mathias shook his head as he framed an answer that would not alarm Koenig. "There are some very extenuating circumstances here, Commander, and a lot of questions that need to be answered."

     Koenig met the physician's gaze, swallowed hard, then crossed the room to sit beside Helena. He took her hand and she opened her eyes.

     "Helena,... Bob just told me."

     "I need you to hold me, John. I'm so frightened," she whispered as she met his gaze. John nodded and pulled Helena into his embrace, quietly assuring her it would be all right and he would be with her. He felt her quiet a little and eased back to meet her gaze, hoping she wouldn't hate him when he told her.

     "Helena, I... I don't understand why you don't remember, but... we spent the night before the probe was destroyed together."

     "What?!" Helena's eyes widened as she stared at John.

     "You and I made love that night, Helena."

     She pulled back from John's touch and looked at Mathias, who closed the distance between himself and his patient. She was shaking her head in denial, trying to reconcile the fact that the man she loved and had wanted to be with for support and understanding was also the man who had... raped her.

     "I don't... remember. You... you did this to me? Because of you I have to... Get out! Get away from me!" Helena's voice had risen with her panic, fear and anger. John tried to calm her, but that only made her reaction worse. Mathias ordered Koenig to wait outside while he did his best to calm Helena. Reluctantly John left the exam room, but did not move far from the door.

     What seemed to John like hours later, and after several other members of the medical staff had come and gone, Bob Mathias stepped from Helena's room and closed the door behind him. He saw John headed toward him and steeled himself for what was to come, but the anger and forceful approach he was expecting did not appear. Koenig seemed quite subdued and perhaps a bit shaken. "Will she be all right, Bob?" was his only question.

     Mathias nodded, then signaled for John to follow him. He led the Commander into a small conference room just off the main ward and indicated he should have a seat.

     "Helena is resting right now, Commander. The side effects of that pill are... unpleasant and painful, and include cramping and bleeding. Her condition is being constantly monitored, and if there are any complications, I'll be notified. She will be all right, but it will take time," Mathias assured.

     Koenig took a deep breath and nodded, relieved Helena would be all right, but consumed by his own guilt at having been swept away by the opportunity and circumstances, and not even thinking about contraception. It was as much his responsibility as hers, and now she was suffering the consequences of their night of passionate abandon. John knew it would be a long time before he'd be able to not feel guilty about that night's pleasures. He believed Bob that Helena would recover, but John was confused by her reactions. He looked up to meet Mathias' gaze. "Why did she react like that? I thought... I thought that she would be relieved to know she was with me and hadn't been... violated by some stranger or by the Triton beings."

     "Intellectually, logically, I suspect Helena will eventually see it that way, but she's not thinking logically right now. She's trying to, but her emotions are stronger and she is reacting to them, not to logic," Mathias told him. "We have a very unusual set of circumstances to deal with Commander. For whatever reasons, Helena does not recall being with you. We may be able to discover why, or what caused it when we reconstruct the time line, but until we do... Helena perceives herself as a victim."

     "She is," Koenig stated somewhat angrily.

     "I agree. She was used - against her will - by that Triton probe, and while still under its influence, its control, her sexual encounter with you occurred. Because she was under their control and not given a choice in the matter, she perceives your encounter with her... as rape."

     "No!" John shot to his feet, more astonished and frightened than angry. He paced the length of the small room as he rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, shaking his head. "No... I would never do that to her, I would never... I'm in love with her, Bob. I'd never hurt her."

     Mathias could see tears standing in Koenig's eyes and he waited quietly until John calmed a little. He sank back into the chair, an air of defeat around him. John wondered if he had ruined what he and Helena had before it ever really got started. "What am I going to do, Bob?"

     "Be patient, John. As I said, intellectually, logically, Helena knows everything you have just said, but considering all she has been through in the last few days... her emotions are in control and it may stay that way until she is ready to hear what happened between you."

     John shook his head as he stood and began to pace again. "What can I do to help?" he wanted to know.

     Mathias knew Helena needed to hear the sequence of events directly from John, but also knew she was far from ready to even be in the same room with him. But Koenig needed something to do and it needed to be constructive. "Perhaps you could try to discover how and when the Triton probe arranged it so Helena would not recall the series of events we have to reconstruct," the doctor suggested.

     "How will that help?"

     "By giving us a place to begin. We know Helena was not activated in the usual way during the course of that night, but some other form of influence or control may have been used on her. If we could discover what that was..."

     John was nodding, beginning to understand. "I'll see what can be done. Bob... will... will Helena ever want to see me again?" Koenig's voice was soft, his tone that of a man whose future rested on the answer he received.

     "I can't answer that, John. I'll do my very best to help Helena see this objectively and logically, but..."

     "Yeah. Thanks Bob." Koenig left the room and Mathias sat there quietly for a long moment. Until they knew more, had more facts and information with which to work, the physician knew none of them   John, Helena or himself   would be able to put this particular series of events into perspective.

     Koenig returned to Main Mission and called Paul Morrow into his office. His very demeanor alerted the Controller to problems, but he had worked with Koenig long enough to know that asking for more information or details than the Commander initially provided would only get him barked at. He stood before Koenig's desk, waiting patiently until John looked up to meet his gaze. "Paul, we have reason to believe that Doctor Russell may have been covertly activated in the twelve hour period between our finalization of the plan to jam computer and the time we actually took off in the Eagle. Run checks on all systems that might reflect or indicate such interference."

     "Very good, sir," Paul replied with a single, decisive nod of his head. He was about to leave the office when Koenig's disturbed tone of voice alerted him to the seriousness of the order.

     "Paul... Doctor Russell's emotional and psychological health may depend on what you find. Be very meticulous, even the smallest, most insignificant seeming anomaly could be the key to her complete recovery."

     "Understood sir. I'll get right on it."

     "Thank you, Paul. And Paul...," Koenig glanced at his second in command with what Paul felt was a frightened gaze, "This goes no further than this room. Handle the checks yourself, please."

     "Yes sir." Paul gave him a firm nod, then left Koenig's office. John pressed the button that would close the single door on the left side of the large sliding wall, then turned to stare at the blank wall before him. He was not an overly religious man, but he prayed to whatever cosmic intelligence or force that seemed to be watching over them that they would be able to reason this all out and find some kind of explanation that Helena could accept and understand, one he could accept and understand, so that he and Helena could find out if they had any chance of a relationship after this. He hoped they could, he wanted it, but if Helena could not forgive him, John knew he would respect that. He wouldn't like it, he would always hope things would change, but he would never - ever - pressure Helena into something with which she was not comfortable.

     Turning in his chair, John stared out the nearest direct vision port and allowed his mind to go blank. He couldn't think any more.

     It took two days before the analysis of the sensor readings and energy emissions was completed. The results were as John hoped, very revealing and provided the key to everything that would unlock the problems they faced. Koenig listened carefully as Paul explained what he had found, indicating he had consulted Sandra Benes and Victor Bergman as needed, but had not shared the whole picture with them. Bob Mathias took the information and compared it to the data he'd compiled regarding Helena's condition. Between the two sets of data he believed they had the information they needed to begin reconstructing the time line.

     Helena had recovered enough so she could sit in on the meetings, and stand to be in the same room with John Koenig again. John did not miss the fact Helena kept a good distance from him, and made certain at least one other person was between them at all times, but was encouraged that she was able to see him.

     Knowing the delicacy of the situation, Bob was careful to suggest to Helena that no one else be present when they began to put the events in order. He was surprised that Helena agreed so readily. He tried not to assign any significance to the act, and tried to discourage John from reading too much into it, but was privately hopeful of Helena's ability to recover from all this.

     Deciding a neutral, non-threatening venue was needed for the meeting, Bob suggested they gather in a small conference room just off the main Geology lab. He made the setting as friendly and comfortable for Helena as he could, and arrived with her to find Koenig already waiting. John stood and nodded to Helena, then sat slowly as she and Mathias took seats at the other end of the table. Bob asked if both were ready and after receiving nods of affirmation from each of them, Mathias glanced at his notes.

     "I want to preface this meeting by stating that we are here for the sole purpose of learning what happened. No blame will be placed, no shame assigned, and no accusations made. Nothing we learn here is to go beyond this room, as dictated by doctor-patient confidentiality, unless all parties involved deem it necessary and agree to pre-set terms. Are these terms understood and agreed upon?" Mathias questioned.

     Helena nodded as she stared at the blank table before her. John nodded and softly voiced his agreement. "Excellent," Bob stated. He glanced down at his notes, then back at Koenig and Russell. "Helena, what is the last thing you clearly remember?"

     Helena swallowed, then raised her eyes slightly. She didn't meet John's gaze, but did look at his hands, clasped nervously before him and resting on the table. "I was in the Medical Center, after being activated. I had dozed off, and when I woke... John was sitting by my bed," she replied.

     "What did he do?" Bob questioned.

     "He... told me about how they were going to jam computer. I... I wasn't sure it would work   could work   but... I knew I really didn't have a choice. Bob, you came over to see how I was feeling, told me to get some rest, and asked to see John privately. You both moved away from the bed, and... that's all I remember until..." Helena shook her head, not yet ready to voice what she next clearly recalled, but having to say it in order to help clarify and define the amount of time they had to account for. "...Until I woke up two mornings ago and needed medical help," she finished softly.

     Grateful for something concrete with which to work, John glanced at his copy of the information and exchanged a quick look with Mathias, who supplied the next bit of information.

     "According to security records of commlock activity, you and the Commander reached his quarters approximately ten minutes after leaving the Medical Center at 1930 hours. It couldn't have been more than ten minutes before that John and I were talking," Bob mused.

     Koenig nodded. "Scanners recorded a very minute spike in the energy output from the sphere, directed toward Alpha at 1923 hours. It was similar to the energy readings recorded before and after, when we know Helena was activated," he summarized.

     Helena raised her eyes to look at John. She took a deep breath and asked, "Are you saying I was activated in some... different way that time?"

     "It's a possibility, Helena," John answered.

     "Was I acting differently, did I do anything that would have..." Helena shook her head, uncertain of what she wanted to know.

     John shook his head as well. "I didn't notice anything, Helena. You were kind of quiet and frightened, but given the situation, I didn't think it unusual."

     Helena nodded, agreeing with the logic of his statement. Bob glanced between the two, pleased Helena had been able to speak directly to John. It was a beginning, but they had much more to accomplish.

     "John, what happened when you left the Medical Center?" Bob asked, knowing they both needed to keep this moving.

     Koenig took a deep breath and shifted in his chair a bit before beginning. He summarized the events, including their decision to go to his quarters and the discussion they had. John did not give specific details of their sexual liaison, but did not hedge around the fact they had made love. John watched Helena carefully while he related what he recalled, but her gaze drifted past him and rested on a spot over his shoulder as she tried to remember.

     Koenig continued, "We spent several hours making love. Some of it was quite gentle and sedate, some quite passionate, and some... rather enthusiastic and adventurous. I tried not to push any of it, and allowed Helena to let me know what she wanted."

     Bob nodded and indicated for Koenig to go on, grateful John had seen fit not to give explicit details. "We slept for a little while, then I got up to go wait in the Eagle. Helena woke up just before I left, and I told her to stay as long as she wanted. That was about... 0750 hours."

     "And Helena was activated again at 1159 hours, allowing you to reach the sphere."

     "I don't remember any of it, nothing," she whispered, her face pale with distress.

     Bob reached across and patted her hand, then continued, summarizing the sequence of events that took place while Helena was activated. Helena was still shaking her head. None of it was coming back to her, so John continued, "By the time we returned to Alpha, you were in Medical Center. Victor and I joined you there, and Bob pronounced you had a lovely optic nerve." Helena smiled distantly and finally met John's gaze again.

     "I ordered all of you from the Medical Center and to get a lot of rest," Bob added. "It was the next morning, Helena, when you arrived back in Medical in need of care."

     Helena shook her head. "I remember nothing until waking up and feeling extreme discomfort. I have to remember it, Bob. I can't have that part of my life missing," Helena stated firmly.

     John resisted the urge to get up, walk to the other end of the table and gather Helena into his arms to comfort her. She knew the facts of their night together, but not the emotions. She only had his word for what had happened and he could understand why she was so upset, so frightened of him. She had not been in control of herself. She had been put in a situation that gave her few, if any, choices, and had been forced to do things she had perhaps not wanted to do or been ready to do. Helena had been willing but had not been herself. Had he raped her?

     Panic washed over John. He had. He'd raped Helena and perhaps destroyed the trust and friendship they'd built over the last few weeks. It didn't matter what the circumstances had been - or were. The fact remained he'd had sex with Helena against her conscious will. And he wanted to know why. He needed to know the facts that contributed to Helena's inability to remember as much as she did. Had it been some deliberate machination on the part of the Triton Probe, or simply an unfortunate side effect of being controlled by the beings in that sphere? He needed to know as well.

     Koenig glanced at Helena, then at Bob and nodded his agreement. Mathias was already considering the possibilities. "All right. Helena, as you know, there are several options open to us, but I believe we should start with hypnosis first."

     "Agreed, Bob," was Helena's reply. "I'm ready."

     Mathias shifted uneasily. He'd not thought to do this immediately. "Are you certain you're up to this now, Helena? We could wait until you're more rested," he suggested.

     Helena shook her head as she pushed back from the table and began to pace. A stubborn, determined look crossed her face. "I need to know, Bob. I won't be able to rest or relax until I know what was done to me, and why."

     She glanced at John, hoping he understood she meant the Triton Probe as much as she did him. She couldn't make any decisions - about anything - until she knew. Helena breathed a quick sigh of relief when she saw John nod once.

     "Now, Bob, please." Helena's tone was slightly pleading and he nodded, then glanced at John.

     "Commander, if you would excuse us..."

     John nodded and started to rise, but stopped when Helena again took a deep breath and shook her head. "No. I'd like him to stay, Bob. He needs to know as badly as I do. He may be able to provide details that will help..." Helena stated as she sat down again.

     Startled, Mathias glanced at Koenig as he too sat back down, giving Helena a grateful nod of his head.

     "You're certain, Helena? You're comfortable enough with John's being here so as not to be distracted?"

     It took Helena a long moment to answer. She swallowed hard and met John's gaze. When she spoke, her voice was soft, but firm and steady. "Yes."

     Knowing it would do no good to try and talk Helena into waiting, Bob nodded his acceptance. He told Koenig he would have to remain very still and silent, so as not to distract Helena. He then reviewed the procedure with Helena, and reached into the medical kit he'd brought along. Having suspected this might happen, Bob was prepared and gave Helena an injection that would make her more receptive to the hypnosis. When Helena was ready, Bob dimmed the lights and began the process, instructing Helena to relax and focus on the sound of his voice. It was several minutes before Helena's eyes drooped shut.

     Mathias glanced at Koenig, then began, "Helena, what is the last thing you consciously remember?" he asked.

     "John... came to Medical Center, to tell me how they planned to defeat the Triton probe," she stated softly.

     "Go on," urged Mathias.

     "You... asked to speak with him and you both moved away from my bed. I was... I was watching you, wondering how it could work when... I felt something, in my head."

     "What kind of something?"

     Helena slowly shook her head, a frown on her face. "I don't know. Not a voice, not really, but... more than an impulse or feeling."

     "Did it say anything to you? Did it tell you or ask you to do something?" Bob asked gently.

     "Yes... yes, it told... it told me to distract him."

     "Him?"

     "John."

     "Go on, Helena," Bob urged.

     She swallowed and continued. "John... came back to my bed. We left the Medical Center and went to his quarters. On the way there I heard or felt the demand for more details in my head - like before. We got to John's quarters and we talked. I... I asked him to explain the plan again and he did. I felt... completion in my head... They heard John tell me the plan! They knew!"

     Bob reached out to touch Helena's arm, to calm her a bit. "It's all right, Helena. Go on."

     "After... after they heard the plan, I felt another... directive? To distract John further, to keep him busy for a long while," Helena stated uneasily. "I didn't know what I should do, so... whatever was in my head told me what to do."

     "What did you do?" Bob asked gently.

     "I... I asked him to make love to me. He was hesitant, I think he didn't want to hurt me, or take advantage of me, the situation, but... I said it was okay, that I was ready and wanted to be with him... We made love several times, it was wonderful," she stated.  

     Even though the lights were dim, John was sure Mathias could see him blushing slightly, but Bob did not look his way and kept his attention focused on Helena.

     "And then?" Mathias prompted. Helena smiled and sighed contentedly. "We fell asleep. I woke as John was getting ready to go to Main Mission. I stayed awhile, then got dressed. I was going to the Medical Center about noon when... it happened again. They ordered me, forced me to... to betray Alpha and transmit what they demanded to know. I did it... I did it without resisting, with no thought to what I was doing or the consequences it would have." Helena's voice was hushed, filled with regret as tears streamed from her eyes.

     "Everyone understands you were forced to act against your will, Helena, no one holds you responsible for what you were compelled to do while under their control," Mathias assured her. He paused a moment, waiting for Helena to absorb what he'd told her, then he continued. "What do you remember next, Helena?"

     She shook her head, an expression of slight confusion coming to her face. "I... Everything just... stopped, like a light going out, then... Victor. His arms were around me, he was helping me to a chair. John! He was inside the sphere! They were going to use him because I wouldn't live long enough to send them all the information they demanded, but... they didn't... The plan worked, even though they knew about it... I could only send what we wanted them to know and... they released me! John got out. He came back to Alpha." Helena smiled and that smile was reflected in her voice. "He came back to me. I was so afraid he wouldn't... John... walked me to my quarters. He wished me a good night's sleep and left. He kissed my cheek... I took a long shower and went to bed. The next morning... the pain, and I didn't know why."

     "That's an excellent account of events, Helena. Now, I want you to relax for a moment. Clear you mind and relax," Bob instructed. She did as Mathias sent a quick glance in Koenig's direction. After a minute or two, Bob spoke again. "Helena, I'm going to count backward from five. As I do, you will come more fully awake. When I reach one you will be awake and able to remember everything you have just told me; you will be able to clearly remember the events that have eluded you until now. Do you understand?"

     "Yes," was her soft but definite answer.

     Mathias nodded and began counting backward. When he reached one, he snapped his fingers and Helena woke. She took a deep breath and stared at Mathias, and slowly turned her head toward John. She swallowed hard, then stood and hurried from the room. She remembered, and she wasn't ready to face John with that knowledge.

     John looked at Mathias with confused, defeated eyes. He didn't know what he'd expected, but it had not been that.

     "Give her time, Commander. She has just realized the enormity of everything she was forced to do when controlled by the probe. Helena needs time to work it all out in her own mind and I'll be there to help her. When she's ready, she will come to you."

     "Sure, Bob..." Koenig stood slowly and also left the room. Mathias sighed. The easy part was over. Now John and Helena both had to reconcile events of the past few days with their own consciences. It would not be easy for either of them.

     The signal alerting her to someone outside her quarters door sounded for a second time as Helena slowly rose from where she'd been sitting on the couch. She moved to see who was requesting admittance. John Koenig's visage appeared on the commpost monitor and Helena took a deep breath. Hesitantly she activated the door and opened it, but remained where she was, a few feet away, as she turned to face John.

     "Helena," he said uneasily, "am I disturbing you?"

     "No, I was just... thinking. Come in, John," she replied, making no move to close the distance between them.

     John nodded and entered, the door closing behind him. He stood where he was, uncertain of what to do. He glanced at Helena, to see what her reaction might be, but she was quietly watching him.

     "Why are you here, John?" she asked, still making no move to close the distance between them. John could tell she was not completely comfortable, being alone with him, and did not try to move nearer to her, despite his desire to hold her close and comfort her. That's how this whole mess had begun, and he could easily understand her uneasiness.

     Koenig tried to meet Helena's gaze, watching as she rubbed her fingers together in what he had come to recognize as a nervous gesture.

     "I... wanted to be sure you're all right," he stated softly.

     An ironic laugh escaped Helena as she shook her head and moved away from the commpost. She started toward the couch, thought better of it when she recalled what she and John had done on his couch, then turned and sat in the hard plastic chair at her desk. "How do you mean that, John? Physically I'm all right, even though I can still   sometimes   feel an ache or twinge when I move wrong. No permanent damage was done. I will live to have sex again..." she said angrily, fighting to keep her resentments and fears from her voice.

     "But not with me," John finished as he looked down at his hands. Helena looked at him sharply and released a deep breath. She shook her head as she stood, turning toward him again.

     "I'm sorry, John, I didn't mean... I can't answer that, not now, because... I don't know. Physically I'm fine, emotionally, psychologically... I know, in my head, that you are no more responsible for what happened between us than I am. Less so perhaps because you were responding to the needs and requests I made. You couldn't know... I wasn't myself or that I wouldn't do some of the things we did had I been in control of myself. I'm not normally comfortable with oral sex, especially so early in a relationship, but... you couldn't know that because... I wasn't ready to let my defenses down and let you into my life that completely, so you had nothing to compare. I had never told you and my actions certainly didn't reflect it that night. I am angry with you, John, I can't help it, but I am even more angry with... the way I was used, the things I was forced to do and the things that were forced upon me, the medical treatment I deemed necessary but was nevertheless extremely painful and exhausting. I know all of that - logically, but emotionally, psychologically... I was forced, against my will, to have sex. I was raped and unfortunately, you are the one I perceive as the attacker..." Helena explained.

     John shook his head again. "I understand, Helena, or am trying to. I wish I knew what to say or do that would put all of this right, that would... make it all go away and let you know that I would never, ever, do anything you didn't want me to do, or anything that would hurt you. But I don't know, and that is almost as painful as knowing what I did with you was against your will   appearances aside." John met Helena's gaze and decided to risk a step forward. "Will you be able to forgive me   someday?"

     Helena smiled weakly and nodded once. "I do forgive you, John, it's just... it is going to take awhile before I'm comfortable being close to you... I suppose before I feel I can trust you. It's that logic/emotion conflict again."

     Koenig nodded his understanding reluctantly, sadly. He'd expected no more but had hoped... he didn't know what he'd hoped. "Then... I'll just be patient and wait. I am sorry, Helena."

     "I know you are, John..." He glanced down at his hands, then turned to leave. Just before he activated the mechanism to open the door, John looked over his shoulder as Helena spoke again. "I will be all right, John. It will just take time."

     He smiled his understanding, then left. Helena watched the door close behind John, a tear touching the corner of her eye.

     Outside in the hallway, John glanced back at Helena's closed door and swallowed hard, speaking softly to himself. "I love you, Helena, but maybe... this time, we'll both need more than love to fix this." He sighed and headed for his own quarters.

                    *     *     *     *     *

     Trying very hard to understand the whole series of events from Helena's perspective and emotions, John decided, if he were to ever again gain Helena's trust, he would have to not only be patient and earn it, but prove to her he would not hurt her. To do that, John eased back and tried to treat his relationship with Helena as if it were brand new; as if they had not spent the last few weeks getting to know each other and were starting off fresh. It was not easy. His feelings for Helena had not changed and had, in fact, become more intense when first he nearly lost her to the alien's suspended animation sequence when Captain Zantor and his crew crash landed on the moon, and again when an alternate reality Helena died in his arms. In that alternate reality she had married his other self. It was something neither of them could deny, and it was something neither was ready to talk about.

     Helena recognized what John was doing, appreciated his efforts and tried to meet him half way. She accepted his offers to spend time together. They shared coffee in the cafeteria, attended the Friday night films when they could, and spent time in the Rec Center together, both aware they were always in the presence of other people when on a date. John hoped this would put Helena more at ease in his company, and it made a difference. Helena was becoming more comfortable around him, and no longer tensed when he touched her arm or shoulder. She was able to meet his gaze without a look of fear or panic coming into her eyes. Slowly they were re-gaining the trust they had built before the Triton probe invaded their lives.

     Helena stood beside John's bed, his hand still grasped in hers, as he slept. He'd been dead   his mind dead, his body dead   both kept alive by machines. She'd had no choice. To give him the peace he deserved, she had turned the machines off, tears blurring her vision, choking her throat. No matter what had happened before, no matter how they had both been manipulated, violated and used, she still loved him. She loved him and had to set him free, give him peace. She shut off the machines, already grieving, and turned away. Moments later he opened his eyes, spoke her name, smiled and held out his hand to her. Moments after he died, he lived again. Helena did not care to understand it. Medically she should be insatiably curious, but she wasn't. Her emotions were ruling her head. All she knew was that John had been given a second chance to live   they had been given a second chance. She loved him and they had another chance.

     Helena smiled as she reached out to brush the hair away from the deep cut on John's forehead. It had begun to heal, just as her psyche was beginning to heal. John was no more responsible for what had happened between them while she was under the influence of the Triton probe than she was. As angry and hurt and betrayed as she still felt, all of it was directed at the now non-existent probe   the one John had risked his life to destroy so she wouldn't die the same way Ted Clifford had died, so she wouldn't die yet.

     Gently stroking John's cheek, Helena watched him sleeping. Everything else aside, she loved him. She'd felt the pain of losing him and now had him back. Bending over, Helena placed a gentle kiss on John's brow and whispered, "I love you, John. One of these days, soon... I'll be ready."

     Straightening, Helena released his hand and moved away from John's bed to let him rest.

     The peace of Piri was a mixed blessing. It assuaged her fears, it calmed her troubled mind, and it allowed her thoughts to wander, to examine what bothered her and why. Although she did not actually react in her mind, Helena relived all the events caused by the Triton probe. She clearly saw everything that happened and saw how she could put it aside, let it go, and become content with the existence offered by the Guardian. Then John arrived. He challenged and disturbed that inner peace she'd found. He brought her out of her lethargy, he caused her to realize the slow death offered by the Guardian was not desirable. He caused her to realize that, in many ways, he placed her safety above the safety of Alpha. It was a jolt to understand that. As they returned to Alpha, and her clarity of thought was restored, Helena knew she did not want to chance losing John again through her own apathy or outside influences without knowing what they could have; what they had but nearly lost.

     Helena joined John in his office after the medical checks of everyone had been completed. She gave him a quick smile and handed him a data disk. "The results of the medical exams. As far as we can tell, the only injuries incurred were after the Guardian's influence was removed. The injuries were caused by people rushing back to the Eagles. Numerous cases of situational depression have been diagnosed. Having that... calmness and serenity terminated so abruptly seems to be the trigger in most cases. On the other hand, most stress related disorders have been significantly lessened and there has been a marked improvement in those patients," Helena reported.

     John nodded as he accepted the disk, listened to her quietly, then placed the disk near his terminal monitor. He'd review the data later. "Are you all right?" he asked, leaving his chair and coming around the end of his desk to stand beside Helena. He reached out and placed his hand on her arm, relieved when she did not tense or try to move away from him.

     "I'm fine John. It was an oddly... cathartic experience. I was able to clearly see so much, everything that has troubled me lately, yet in a calm, detached, unemotional way. It helped me to put so many things into perspective, including us," Helena revealed.

     John sensed Helena had something important to tell him. He took her hand, led her down the steps and over to the couch. They sat and Helena turned to face him, allowing John to continue holding her hand. He laced their fingers together and waited for Helena to continue.

     "I've known for a long time that I love you, John, but the Guardian's influence allowed me to... get past all the emotional baggage, to clearly see that what was in my heart was being... constricted by what was in my mind. It helped put my mind at rest - at peace - and let me realize that, everything else aside, I love you. That's all that can matter, all I want to matter."

     Helena met John's gaze, then leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on his mouth. She heard John's intake of breath and felt him hesitate before responding. Then he kissed her back. When she didn't protest, didn't recoil, didn't react negatively in any way, John deepened his kiss, his arm going around her waist to pull her closer. Helena slid her arms around John's neck and leaned into the kiss, overwhelmed by the rightness she felt at being back in his arms.

     Several moments later they parted. John stared into Helena's eyes, still waiting for her to call the shots. He wanted to do nothing that would frighten her. Helena smiled. "I've missed you, John."

     He laughed with delighted relief and pulled Helena into his embrace. "It's good to have you back," he whispered before kissing her again. John was glad he'd closed the large sliding door separating his office from Main Mission earlier. He definitely didn't want any unannounced interruptions right then.

     When they again parted, Helena lightly caressed John's cheek and neck as she met his gaze. She was a bit frightened, but she was also certain.

     "I don't want what happened to come between us, John. I know it will always be there, for both of us, but I will not allow it to control us," Helena stated, a determination in her voice that told John this was how it would be. He smiled and nodded as he caressed the side of her neck.

     "I want that as well, Helena."

     She smiled and leaned forward to kiss John again, but caught his hands when he tried to move them up her sides from where they rested around her waist. Pulling back, she shook her head and clasped his hands with both of hers. "I'm... not ready for that just yet, John. Please, be patient."

     He swallowed hard and nodded, squeezing her hands as he met her gaze. "I told you a long time ago I would wait until you - until we - are ready. That hasn't changed, Helena. I won't do anything to hurt you." He gave her a soft kiss on the mouth, then stood and pulled her up with him.

     "Let's get out of here - get some coffee or something."

     "I'd like that, John."

     Still holding hands, they left John's office and headed for the cafeteria.

     John found Helena in her quarters. The lights were dimmed and she was curled up on the couch, a pillow clutched to her middle. As he sat beside her, he could tell she'd been crying. He said nothing, just held her when Helena moved into his embrace, quietly comforting her until she leaned back and gave him a weak smile, brushing the tears from her cheeks. He knew she'd had a counseling session with Eva Zoref earlier, and suspected that had somehow triggered her present emotional condition. Helena took a deep breath and let it out raggedly.

     "As I was talking with Eva, telling her I understood what it was like to lose a husband to the inexplicable forces of deep space, making all the comforting noises other people made for me, I realized... I don't understand. How can I when I don't know what happened to Lee? How can she when she doesn't know what happened to Anton? I found it ironic. While I'm trying to help Eva cope, trying to help her see that her life has not ended and will go on   something I didn't believe could ever happen right after Lee disappeared, while I'm trying to console her with my experience   I have continued, I have found someone with whom to share my life, someone else to love. In a way that made what I was telling her seem... hypocritical somehow. But I don't care. I'm glad you are here, John."

     He could only smile and give her hand a gentle squeeze. "So am I," he stated softly, watching as Helena again smiled weakly.

     "All this with Eva just triggered... so many things I didn't realize had been building up in me since... we encountered Terra Nova. It all just... burst," she explained, realizing that whatever closure she'd required, whatever issues she'd needed to resolve had been taken care of. Helena knew she was ready to get on with her life, with her love, with her future. She'd known for a number of weeks that future was with John.

     He studied her for a long moment, uncertain of what the look in her eye meant. He traced the line of her jaw gently and asked, "Shall I leave you alone?"

     Helena shook her head no as she swallowed hard. She no longer had to think about, or consider, or contemplate her answer. "No. Stay..."

     John felt his heart race and his hopes soar, but he did not allow himself to react as he wanted. Instead he met Helena's gaze and quietly asked, "You're sure?"

     "I'm sure, John." Helena leaned forward and initiated the first series of kisses that became more and more passionate.

     Just as he had before, John allowed Helena to lead the way. He was relieved when she said the couch was uncomfortable and suggested they go into the bed room. John pulled back and met her gaze. "I have to ask, Helena. I don't want you to suffer like you did last time..."

     Helena reached up and caressed John's cheek, meeting his gaze with open honesty. "This time, it will be all right, John. I'm using birth control. There won't be a repeat of last time," she stated. John inhaled slowly and deeply, his gentle smile one of relief and gratitude. He'd really not wanted to run out to Medical to requisition some condoms. They stood and Helena led the way.

     Standing beside the bed, they slowly undressed one another, caressing and stroking gently, heightening their desire gradually. Helena stepped close, thrilling at the touch of John's skin against hers as she wrapped her arms around him and delivered a series of kisses to his chest and shoulders. Moving cautiously, John allowed himself to caress Helena's back and buttocks, her arms and shoulders. Her sighs of contentment let John know he was doing nothing to frighten her. He continued, reminding himself this was truly their first time.

     Helena wrapped her arms around John's neck and pulled him with her as she eased down to the bed, stretching out full length and urging John to do the same. They explored each other's bodies slowly, gently, paying attention to each other's responses and desires.

     John could feel his need building, his desires reach the point where they demanded to be sated, but he held back, forcing himself to stay in control. He would not push. This had to be at Helena's speed. He could not hurry her.

     Spreading her legs wider to give John's hand better access to her clit as he caressed it with his thumb and finger, Helena pulled in a deep hissed breath. She forced her eyes open to meet John's. Her voice was deep and rough with need when she spoke, "Soon, John, please..."

     Koenig shifted position, found the right spot, and eased into Helena slowly and gently. She shuddered with delight at the sensation, then moved against him. John knew he should just relax and enjoy, but was not quite able to do so, fearful of hurting Helena in some way. He made sure none of his movements would startle or frighten her, or bring back memories of before. John made certain their joining was gentle, their rhythm unfrenzied. Helena's cries and moans of delight increased as her climax neared, and when she whispered his name with such passion as to send him over the edge and into climax as well, John knew they would be all right.

     Helena smiled as she snuggled into John's embrace. She felt a warm throb between her legs, but it was the afterglow of mutual love making, the contented lethargy of safety and comfort. She felt John lightly trace the length of her arm with one finger and smiled into his eyes as she rolled over to meet his gaze.

     "Are you all right?" he asked gently, sure of her answer from the expression on her face, but needing to hear it anyway.

     Helena sighed contentedly. "Yes, I'm wonderful. Thank you for your consideration and tenderness, John. It was... exactly what I needed."

     John smiled and bent close to place a kiss on her mouth. "That's good to know. The last thing I wanted was to frighten or alarm you."

     "Hmmm...., what was the first thing you wanted?" Helena asked as she traced her finger across his chest, circling his nipple and causing it to harden slowly.

     "Hmmmm,..." John thought a moment as he watched Helena. Then he smiled. "To make you want to do this again, and again, improving each time so we become very, very good at it."

     Helena nodded reflectively as she traced lower and lower on John's torso, very aware of the responses she was invoking in him. "I see," she purred, placing kisses along his neck and shoulders. "In my opinion, we're already very good at this, but I won't object to a little practice every chance we get."

     John laughed as he wrapped his arms around Helena's waist and pulled her over on top of him. He smiled as he began to caress her breasts in the same manner she was caressing his. "You seem to have an excellent suggestion."

     Helena just smiled, relaxed in John's embrace and allowed him to take the lead this time. She abandoned herself to the pleasures he created, certain of their future.