A Year In The Life
By Amanda Russell
A Year In The Life
By Amanda Russell
Copyright 1989, Lunatic Productions, Inc.
Author's Foreword
For a long time I've wondered just how the relationship between John and Helena developed and progressed throughout Year One so it could reach the obvious openness we see during "The Metamorph". All during the episodes of Year One we see hints and traces of their developing and growing involvement, but it was never defined, never given any concrete substance. All of a sudden, at the beginning of Year Two - BANG! - they were heavily involved and very much in love. But HOW did they get to that point? It has always bothered me, so I decided to explain it to my own satisfaction. The following pages are the result.
In order to have John and Helena's relationship develop along a somewhat logical path, using what little evidence we were given in the aired episodes, the chronological sequence of events - for this collection - has been altered slightly. Basically it agrees with the time line set forth in the Moonbase Alpha Technical Notebook, and uses some of the modifications put forth by Kevin McCorry in his time line as it appeared in Main Computer, Volume 11, Number 1 (September, 1988). To simplify things and give you a ready point of reference, my modified time line appears below:
I realize of course these short stories are not the only possibilities to the question posed earlier, but they are my solution. Enjoy.
Amanda Russell
May 12, 1989
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A Beginning reprinted from ALL THAT GLISTERS #2, Spring, 1987.
Between the Sunsets reprinted from THE LANDAU - BAIN CONCORDANCE #24, June, 1987.
Knowledge (The Infernal Machine Addition and Ending) reprinted from THE LANDAU - BAIN CONCORDANCE #16, June, 1985.
Table of Contents
Eyes fixed on the big screen, seeing only wavering, fading images being replaced by snow; ears tuned to hear any faint message, any signal from Earth with the slim hopes there would be a rescue attempt made, no one in Main Mission was aware of anything but their own immediate hopes and the realization they would, most likely, spend the rest of their lives -- however long that might be -- on the barren hunk of rock that had once -- until moments ago -- circled their home world. No one was aware of anything but their personal thoughts, no one, save for one person.
Out the corner of her eye, Helena Russell saw movement. She turned toward it in time to see John Koenig turn away from the big screen. His shoulders slumped slightly, his head drooped, and in that brief moment, Helena Russell knew he would need special attention - special treatment if he were to withstand all that had so suddenly been thrust upon him.
Unexpectedly, a familiar pattern was heard, then seen in Main Mission. The signals from planet Meta. All eyes and ears again turned toward that signal as it grew in strength.
Planet Meta. Yes, perhaps there was where their future would begin. But it would be numerous days until the moon's trajectory took it anywhere near Meta. How would he - could he - keep his people going until then? And what if Meta were not as promising as it appeared to be? Not the kind of thoughts he wanted anyone to know he was harboring, but possibilities he had to contend with, had to face.
As he sat quietly in his dimly lit quarters, John Koenig savored the solitude. It was the first he'd had in... he couldn't remember how long it had been. He was unable to keep his mind from all the problems, all the challenges the Alphans now faced. All he knew was they would have to do everything they possibly - and impossibly - could to stay alive.
But he wondered. Had he made the right decision? Had he been wrong in not allowing anyone to attempt getting them back to Earth? Commissioner Gerald Simmonds seemed to think so. But Simmonds only knew the political and financial intricacies of keeping the base operational. Neither of those were applicable now. Koenig knew those aspects, as well as the scientific, technological, and practical sides. And the facts supported his decision. Simmonds would have to accept it and find some way to be a useful, contributing member of the new Alpha community.
Sighing, Koenig settled himself more comfortably. He could still feel all eyes in Main Mission on him as he weighed the possibilities - the probabilities. It was a feeling he'd not enjoyed but suspected - if Meta turned out to be incompatible with their needs - it was a feeling he must grow used to. He would never like it but he would grow used to it - eventually.
Disturbed by the signal from his commlock indicating someone was outside his door requesting entry, John reached for the devise and activated the tiny screen. He was expecting it to be Victor and found himself to be mildly surprised - and pleased - when he saw Helena Russell's image there.
"Commander."
He considered a brief moment, then pressed the stud that would allow her entry to his private quarters. He'd not even had a chance to put away the few personal items he'd brought with him.
Helena Russell stepped into Koenig's quarters hesitantly. She wasn't sure just what exactly her purpose in calling on him was. Like herself, he was probably very much in need of some quiet, private time. As the door closed behind her, Koenig slowly rose from the chair in which he'd been sitting. He was exhausted. She could see it in his stance.
"Is there a problem, Doctor?"
"Not really. I've been making a routine check of all senior level command personnel, hoping to avert any major medical problems - physical or psychological - before they occur."
"And now it's my turn."
"It is."
Koenig met her gaze levelly. She'd hesitated a bit too long before giving him a pat medical reason for her visit. He was sure it was a legitimate one, but perhaps it was not the only reason for her call. With a sweep of his hand and a tired smile, he invited Doctor Russell to have a chair and turned up the lights, taking a seat across from her.
"What would you like to know, Doctor?"
Taking refuge behind her professional facade, Helena Russell heard herself ask all the questions that would allow her to detect the first signs of any psychological stress while she observed Koenig with a mixture of professional and personal interest. His accusation earlier had taken her by surprise, and caused her to think about her own motives.
She did care. She cared about him and what happened to him - as her commander - but also on another level. And this surprised her. After all the problems with Gorski, and all the trouble he had caused her because she'd not been receptive to him, to his sexual advances, she had made herself believe she would never allow herself to have anything more than a professional relationship with her superiors. And yet... all that resolve seemed to be fading as she sat across from the man who would, by his very thoughts and actions, decide if they were all to live or die. It was not a responsibility she would want, but at the same moment felt herself willing to help this man in any way she could, ways that went beyond the responsibilities of duty, ways that might make the decisions he would face just a little bit easier to make. She realized this was all part of her duty as Chief of Medical Services, but it reached deeper than that as well.
Feeling the end of the interview had been reached, Koenig sat forward a bit and gave the doctor a weak smile. He somehow knew - instinctively - that he could not play games with this woman. She would see through any facade he tried to present. She was far more competent than Gorski and Simmonds had wanted him to believe. But he did not wish to deceive her. For some reason he simply could not allow himself to do that.
"Well, Doctor, do I pass?"
"For the moment, Commander. I would suggest - recommend - you get a good night's sleep, but realize it may not be all that easy to accomplish."
"For either of us?"
Helena gave Koenig a tired smile as they both stood. He saw her to the door and as she started to leave, he touched her arm lightly. She turned back to meet his gaze.
"Thank you, Doctor. Helena. Perhaps when we have settled in a bit we could..."
"I'd like that, Commander. John. We'll have a lot to do. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
A brief smile and she was gone, the door closing behind her. Koenig felt slightly disappointed but reassured at the same time. This meeting had been a beginning. To what he wasn't quite sure. Certainly to a friendship he'd not thought possible - probable - only hours before. If there was a potential for more between himself and Helena Russell he didn't know. For now he would settle for this beginning. Then he and Helena could take it from there.
December 11, 1986
Revised: April 12, 1989 and April 9, 1996
Two weeks, not quite three since the unexpected - the heretofore believed impossible - had happened. By normal calendars it was near the end of September, almost the beginning of October, 1999. Only months until the turn of the century, the beginning of a new millennium. But that no longer seemed significant to the men and women of Moonbase Alpha. It was still so hard to believe; the total severance of all ties, all contact with Earth. Yet it was a reality that faced them everyday. Already they were adjusting. Instead of September such and so as a date, they were changing their method of marking time. It was now recorded as so many days since leaving Earth orbit. It was a start in the slow and continuous process of fighting to survive in the place they were unprepared for and did not belong - deep space. From that start, Koenig hoped the Alphans' will to fight, their determination to survive would grow and become strong. But it would take time. He knew that. He also knew his people - the Alphans - needed a brief respite from their unending struggle against space.
So, on eighteen days since leaving Earth orbit, a party was planned. There would be music, dancing, refreshments and, John hoped, laughter. That had been in very short supply since Breakaway. Just some time to relax for the Alphans. John hoped it would do some good.
He also hoped it would do some good for his relationship with Helena Russell. Although they were no longer on opposite sides, he still felt coolness toward him coming from her. He wasn't quite sure why, but it bothered him.
Two nights before the party was to be held, John caught up with Helena outside the Medical Center as she headed toward the nearest travel tube stop.
"Helena..."
She paused to let him catch up with her, then both continued on her way.
"I've been trying to reach you all day. Mathias said you were busy and since it wasn't urgent, I didn't leave a message."
"Yes, he said you'd called. I've been in surgery most of the day."
"Anything serious?"
"No, but tedious. Still repairing damage done during Breakaway. Given time, all should have complete recoveries."
"I'm relieved to hear that. Would you care to join me for a cup of coffee?"
Helena faced John Koenig as they waited for the travel tube. She'd realized days before that she did care - care about him and perhaps even for him. Slowly she shook her head.
"Thank you, John, but I'd better not. I'm just on a short break before going back to the Medical Center. I'm sorry."
John shook his head in reply.
"Don't be, Helena. I understand. Your patients must come first."
"Yes... at least for now."
Their eyes met briefly and John felt some of the coolness warm. He decided to take the next step.
"Will you be attending the party?"
"I hope so. We all need to get our minds off everything, if only briefly."
"True. Helena, I wonder if I might have the honor of escorting you to the party?"
She was silent a moment, then slowly smiled as she nodded. John Koenig could be very charming when he wanted to, and he certainly wanted to now.
"Yes you may, John. I'd like that... very much."
Koenig smiled. It was a step in the right direction.
"About 7:30?"
"That would be fine, John."
Before he could respond further, the travel tube arrived and Helena took her leave of him. He watched as the door closed behind her then turned and walked back down the hall, smiling to himself. He was suddenly looking forward to the party much more than he had been earlier in the day.
All those attending the party were delighted by the variety of music available for dancing and many took full advantage of it, John and Helena included. While they had changed dance partners several times, John always managed to find Helena for the slower dances. One was just beginning when John stepped up to Helena Russell as she chatted with Alan Carter.
"Excuse me, Alan. Helena, may I?"
She smiled at Alan then allowed John to lead her to the dance floor. Their hands clasped and eyes met as they began to move to the music.
"Having fun?"
"Yes, I am John. You?"
"It is a nice break from everything we've been facing in recent days. This was a good idea. Leave it to the people in Alan's section to come up with - any - excuse for a party."
"Indeed."
They were silent for a bit as they continued to dance. John moved his hand a little further down Helena's back and she met his eyes. There was a sadness and a loneliness in them she couldn't quite place. He was a very complex man, a very complicated man, one who hid much of what bothered him, one who didn't - or couldn't - always talk about what bothered him. She understood, as she was much the same way. She always had been, but was even more so since Lee... and since coming to Alpha.
"Helena, are you all right?"
"Hmm,... what?"
She blinked, realizing John must have been watching her as she studied him.
"You seemed so distant. Are you all right?"
"Oh, yes, I'm fine. Just... thinking about the past, about Earth, and..."
"Those you left behind?"
"I left no one behind."
"No family?"
"No family. My parents have been dead for many years and... there's no one on Earth. You?"
A sadness crossed his face before John shook his head.
"I left no one behind on Earth either."
"It makes... being here just a little easier."
"Yes, a little."
The slow music had ended and John led Helena from the dance floor. She shook her head at his offer of refreshment.
"Helena, may I ask you something?"
She looked at him and slowly nodded.
"Yes."
"Why did you come to Alpha?"
Louder, more lively music began to play and John frowned.
"We can't talk here. Walk with me?"
"All right."
Together they headed for the door, unaware that Victor Bergman was watching them, and smiling. It pleased him to see both John and Helena relaxing, and to see them getting along. Feeling a gentle tap on his shoulder, Victor turned to see Tanya Alexander standing beside him.
"Professor, would you care to dance?"
"Indeed I would."
He led the woman toward the dance floor, enjoying the party. It was a good idea.
A few yards down the hall and around a corner made all the difference. The loud, boisterous, happy sounds of the party were replaced by the quiet hum of the base, by the stillness and solitude John had come to associate with space. It comforted him in a strange way.
"A nice change. I've never been able to handle loud crowds for any length of time."
"Everyone seemed to be having a good time, though. I don't think Sandra and Mike have been off the dance floor all night."
"We all needed this, Helena."
"Yes, we did."
"You didn't get a chance to answer my earlier question. Why did you come to Alpha, Helena?"
She glanced at Koenig as they walked.
"Many small reasons that no longer matter, but primarily because Alpha offered the opportunity to do research in my chosen specialty - space medicine - in a way you can't even hope to come near while still on Earth, bound by gravity and atmosphere. No matter how good the simulations are, there is still nothing like studying the reactions of the human mind and body as it experiences the real thing."
"You're very dedicated to your work."
"And you're not?"
John laughed as he glanced at Helena Russell. To even be considered for a position on Alpha, one had to be extremely dedicated to their work, almost to the exclusion of anything else in their life.
"Understood, Doctor."
"And you, John. Why did you come to Alpha?"
"Because Simmonds... Never mind, I don't want to spoil my evening by talking about him. There was a job to be done and whether they wanted to admit it or not, Simmonds and everyone else knew I was the one who could do it. And... I couldn't resist coming back here again."
"You've been on Alpha before."
It was not quite a question. Helena was familiar with some of the circumstances surrounding Koenig's first tour of duty on Alpha.
"Yes, several years ago when we were getting the Ultra Probe ready to launch. Had it not been for the flip of a plastic chip, I might have been the commander of that mission instead of Tony Cellini."
Beside him, Koenig thought he sensed Helena Russell stiffen a little bit at the mention of the Ultra probe, but when he looked, she seemed unchanged.
Glancing up, John saw he had unconsciously taken Helena toward his favorite place on Alpha. They stopped before the door to the Observation Room. He smiled eagerly.
"Have you been in here?"
"Once, on my initial tour of the base."
"It is my favorite place on Alpha."
"Why?"
"You'll see."
He aimed his commlock at the door and it opened. They stepped through, John closing the door behind them. He looked overhead at the vast expanse of stars and felt himself relax. Helena watched the subtle change come over him.
"Magnificent, isn't it?"
Helena nodded as she gazed about the room, allowing John to guide her steps. He obviously knew the room well.
"I used to come here a lot, to think, to relax, to dream. It's sort of half in reality, half in hope."
Helena watched his eyes grow bright, an excitement course through him. She'd seen it before, in Lee when he talked about a mission. And she swallowed a momentary pang of grief. Lee was gone to her forever. She'd sworn she would not allow herself to feel those things again, and yet, here she was, becoming interested in man who was so like Lee in many ways, who could be taken from her just as easily as Lee had been taken from her.
"I think I understand that, John. In here you're on safe ground, familiar territory, a feeling of control almost, and yet... you're also out there, among the stars, feeling the pull, the mystery of them, the need to learn more, to... do something, go places no one has before."
Amazed she could so fully understand, John nodded, his gaze on Helena's face. Was that a tear he detected on her cheek, or just a trick of the light against her skin?
"... Yes. How..."
She shook her head and turned away. John hoped someday she would tell him, but he'd already learned a great deal about her. And hoped to learn more - if she were willing.
"Helena, are you all right?"
"I'm fine, John. I just seem to be given to memories of the past tonight."
"We're all entitled to those every now and then."
"I'm sorry it was tonight, John. I've not been very good company."
"But you have, Helena. You're the first person to really understand how I feel about this room... I'm glad it was empty."
"It probably will be until we have more fully accepted our situation and future. Most don't want to be reminded of where we are."
Again John sensed something more from Helena, something deep she wasn't ready to share with anyone, least of all with someone she'd only just met and barely knew. Their eyes met and Helena smiled slightly.
"John, thank you for bringing me here. It is lovely."
His impulse was to tell Helena she was also, but he held back. Not yet. Instead he stepped closer to Helena and turned her slightly so her gaze could follow his pointing finger.
"See that bright red, almost pink point of light... right there."
"Yes..."
"That's Meta. We should be within range in only a couple more days. The readings look promising."
"You mean Operation Exodus?"
"Perhaps. Victor says we should have plenty of time to make a full scale investigation. We don't want to jump to any conclusions."
"... You don't seem the type to do that."
"True... at least not usually."
Helena's gaze prompted him to go on, to explain.
"I'm afraid I let Simmonds' opinion of you cloud my judgment of you - at first. I should have known better when I realized he lied to me concerning the probe astronauts, and the Meta Probe. I'm glad I had a chance to learn the truth for myself."
Helena simply smiled softly. There was a lot about her short time on the base John didn't know of - much of it concerning Simmonds and his puppet, the former commander of the base, Anton Gorski. Perhaps someday she would be able to tell John. For now, she would happily accept his apology. John returned her smile.
"This has been very nice, Helena. I'm glad you came."
"As am I."
"... Would you like to go back to the party?"
"Not just yet. Alan and David will just have to wait a bit longer for the dances I promised them. Would you tell me more about the stars, John?"
"Of course."
Helena listened as John began telling her about various stars in the sky above them. She smiled. She could feel the pull of the stars calling to her, calling to John. Calling to them, as if... they were somehow bound together - to wander the stars... and perhaps something more. Helena glanced up at John and was glad they could have this time alone - away from all the concerns of the base for a time. It too was a good idea, this small step toward a better understanding, a better relationship between them.
March 26, 1989
Revised: April 17, 1996
He knew it to be selfish on his part, but as far as John Koenig was concerned, the re-appearance of Lee Russell - if indeed the being now in Medical Center was or could be Lee Russell - could not have come at a worse time. Although they had been in space only a short while, and they were still balanced precariously on the edge between life and death on a daily basis, there were some aspects of his life that were beginning to look up - his relationship with Helena Russell for one. He was nearly certain the potential for more than just friendship between them was evident, but there was little time to really explore it at this point. Yet, they had made progress. They had gotten over their initial antagonism toward one another, had moved beyond the uneasy truce of the first few days following his taking command of the base, and were on a first name basis. John knew part of that was simply because it was easier than constantly using titles, and because they were such a small community. Almost everyone would be on a first name basis, eventually, but deep down Koenig knew it was different for himself and Helena. The time they had spent together in the Observation Room only a few nights ago, the night of the base wide party, had done much for easing tension between them, for allowing coolness to warm, and it had lead John to hope that, perhaps, with a little time, his relationship with Helena would only improve. He still hoped so - or had hoped it would be so until this complication of 'Lee Russell' arose. Koenig was having a difficult time believing Lee Russell had miraculously survived the massive and unknown forces around Jupiter, only to appear on a planet billions of miles from home; a planet they wanted to colonize. Helena seemed to believe it - at least that was the impression she tried to give. Whether she truly believed or not was something only Helena knew. John suspected she couldn't truly believe the being to be Lee Russell. Her heart might want to, but her mind... that was another matter entirely.
As he walked silently beside Helena in the hallway, John glanced at her, unable to prevent his mind from returning to his earlier thoughts. He knew they were making progress in their relationship because he felt comfortable enough with her to tell Mathias they were going to her quarters to talk things over. His office - or hers - would have done as well, but something told John her quarters would be best. Perhaps it was the implied solitude and privacy afforded by personal quarters or perhaps it was simply his wanting Helena to know she could trust him, could confide in him, could consider him a friend - and more - but only if she wanted it. Now it seemed as though all that would matter little, if that being truly was Lee Russell.
One way or another it would be settled before long. They had to make a decision about Terra Nova, and they would soon know more about the Lee Russell situation. Mathias had called and asked to see them in the Care Unit. They would know - something - soon.
Helena met John's gaze as he sat before her on the bed, their hands nearly touching. In his gaze she saw concern, caring, compassion for what she was going through, worry, and... a touch of something more. She was well aware of the fact he cared for her, cared about her, and wanted their friendship to develop more fully. He was coming to know her well, as evidenced by the fact he was certain it was so unlike her to just pass out. He was right. She didn't pass out for no reason, yet she didn't have a reason - that she could remember - for having done so. None of this was making sense, including her mixed feelings about Lee's return.
Noticing the sedative Mathias had given her was beginning to take effect, Koenig took his leave of her and Helena settled back, allowing her thoughts to go where they would as sleep slowly overcame her. And her thoughts bounced between two men. The first she had loved deeply once, but had come to accept that he was forever lost to her, claimed by the unknowns of space. The other she felt she could grow to love, could stand beside him and help to gain a foothold for the Alphans in whatever reaches of space they wandered through.
Part of her desperately wanted that man in Medical Center to be her husband, to be Lee Russell, although logically she knew it could not be. Helena almost longed to return to the familiar comfort of her marriage, to be together with the man she'd loved as her husband, to pick up their lives - and their dreams - where they'd been left before the Astro Seven mission; before space had changed her life so dramatically.
But another part of her was curious, anxious, almost excited by the thought of beginning a new relationship - with John Koenig. She knew it would be unlike any she'd been part of before, simply because John was unlike any man she had known before. It would not be a predictable relationship, nor would it be unexciting - or easy. The little she really knew of John Koenig told her he was a volatile, passionate man. Any relationship - be it as friends or as more than friends - would be the same way. The thought of it excited her as nothing else had in a very long time.
As the final wisps of thought gave way to the softness of sleep, Helena Russell knew only one thing - the situation had to be resolved soon. Terra Nova would be out of their grasp in only a few short days.
Confused by John's conflicting orders concerning Lee, Helena left the Medical Center and returned to her quarters. When they'd first discovered Lee on that Eagle, brought him to Medical Center, John had told her to stay with him. But now, just as they were taking Lee to Koenig's office for 'a talk', he'd told her - insisted - that she was to stay away from Lee. It made little sense. But not much was making sense to her right then. It seemed as though John were trying to protect her, to shield her from Lee. But why should she need protection from her own husband? Lee would never deliberately try to harm her, to endanger her, so why...?
Closing and locking the door behind her, Helena curled up on the couch, unable to sleep again. Could it be John and Victor had discovered something about Lee they did not want her to know? But she would have to know. They could not keep it from her for long.
Whatever had worried John and Victor about Lee no longer mattered. Helena glanced at the closed door of her quarters through which Mathias had just left. His news had been upsetting, relieving, and not totally unexpected. She couldn't fully grieve for Lee, not as she had done last time he'd "died" because, in her heart, she knew she had never really had him back. In her mind, Helena knew the Lee she'd loved, the man she'd married, lived with, then lost to the dangers of his chosen profession had not really been there on Alpha with her. And she couldn't help but wonder what had happened to him on that final orbit about Jupiter. She would never know. As before, Helena knew Lee was truly lost to her forever. She could not live in the past, it brought nothing but sadness, yet it was so hard to completely let go.
As they were all learning on Alpha, they must live for the future. They must concentrate on what lay ahead - survival and perhaps finding a new place to call home. That place just could be Terra Nova.
Helena sighed heavily, a single tear coming to her eye at the thought of Lee not being with her to colonize his world. But then her sadness was replaced by the anxiousness she felt when thinking of John Koenig and her standing beside him as they colonized that world. It no longer mattered to her how Lee had come to be there. She would like to know - as a doctor - what had happened. As Lee's wife, as his widow, she only wanted to forget. And as a woman -- the decision with which she was faced was now academic. Her future lay with the future of Alpha, and very probably with the man who was in command of Moonbase Alpha.
Wishing to escape the turmoil within her for even a little while, Helena Russell turned her attention to a report that awaited her signature. Time would heal as it had before, and she hoped John would be waiting until then.
NO! Not John too! First Paul, killed when his stun gun exploded. Sandra, blinded by that same explosion then lost in the storm that followed, probably dead as well. And now John, killed by a rock slide while trying to protect her, to shield her from harm.
Helena knelt beside John, his final words echoing in her ears as silence settled over the devastated landscape. She stood slowly and stumbled away, only to ease herself down on a boulder as the realization she was totally alone on this world penetrated the shock and grief. She began to cry. It was something she had not done for a very long time. She was so alone - Lee, gone again, John lost to her before they ever had a chance to discover what they could have shared...
But she wasn't alone. The voice cut through her grief, Lee's voice. He had died, back on Alpha, but he was here, with her. Their hands touched and he felt real enough. She listened, confused but understanding and accepting what he told her. Believing it to be the truth of what happened to him around Jupiter because he had no cause to lie to her, to deceive her. The meeting of matter and anti-matter caused this destruction. It would further destroy what had become his world, just as the moon had been destroyed. And he was giving her the power to correct things. Why she would never know.
They stood slowly. Lee's arms went about her in an embrace Helena once thought she would never feel again. But it was not truly Lee's embrace, not the one she remembered, because the man - the being - holding her was not the Lee Russell she remembered. More than his physical being had been changed around Jupiter. Lee was indeed lost to her now. Space had changed him so they could not be together. And it had changed her as well. She knew back on Alpha it was time to make the past just that - past. She need not fear what was ahead of her, for she would not be alone.
Helena felt Lee's arms tighten about her ever so slightly, and somehow, something... coursed through her. The power - the strength Lee said he would give her.
"See what you want to see."
Helena closed her eyes. That could be just about anything. Lee was giving her the power to re-create this world as she wanted. To give life back to those who were lost to her. She could do anything she wanted; create a new Earth, bring Lee back to her in a form that could exist with her, make John more... But no. She could not allow herself any of those fantasies. She was not an all powerful being possessing the right to play around with the order of things, of the universe. This had all happened for a reason. Lee had come to her in a form she recognized and accepted and trusted to warn her of what could be. He was trusting her, enabling her to correct a mistake. She would not betray that trust by changing so much. And Helena knew she would never again see Lee once the planet was back to what they had first seen. No matter what feelings, what emotions had surfaced during the events of the past few days, Helena knew it was time to let go. As a last display of her feelings for Lee, she would not betray his trust.
Returning the embrace Lee gave her, Helena held him briefly, then released him - physically and emotionally. She turned from him and blinked her eyes, walking away. She watched in a daze as the planet reverted to the lushness they had first seen, such a short time ago.
Helena again turned, not surprised to see that Lee was gone. In his place stood John Koenig, slowly making his way toward her. Helena met him halfway. Their hands clasped and eyes met, each knowing and understanding what had taken place here, accepting it was something only they would remember. Together they turned their eyes skyward. The moon was back where it had been before the destruction.
Hands still clasped, John and Helena slowly began to retrace their steps. Helena led him to the pink pool and knelt beside it. She looked up to meet his gaze.
"We cannot stay here, John."
He glanced down, accepting, then activated his commlock. He ordered everyone back to Alpha, and cancelled Operation Exodus.
Kneeling beside Helena, John met her gaze, then dipped his finger in the pool. Ripples danced away from his finger, changing the surface, much as events of the past few days had changed them. Assisting Helena to her feet, John took the lead as they silently made their way back to the Eagle. Terra Nova would remain a mixture of memories.
The moon, and the base on it, moved slowly away from Terra Nova. Kano had provided statistics on the probable number of habitable planets they should eventually pass, but the data did not change what they had all gone through. Koenig glanced up at the Observation balcony in Main Mission, then slowly climbed the stairs.
Helena stood at the far end, her eyes fixed on the gradually receding orb of Terra Nova. The starlight accented her saddened eyes. Koenig moved cautiously closer, knowing what she had left behind on the planet.
"Helena..."
She glanced up as John closed the distance between them, coming to stand at her shoulder so he too could look out at Terra Nova. The promise of what they could find if they could survive until it happened.
"He was... changed, John, to what we experienced down there, but he was still human too, part of him. I'll always wonder..."
"Wonder what?"
"If he'll be able to find someone else so he won't be alone down there the rest of his life. The part of him that is still human..."
"No one should be alone, Helena."
"I know, John, but I have to wonder."
"As he'll wonder about you?"
Helena glanced up again, turning slightly to meet his gaze. They had both learned so much about one another...
"I won't be alone, John, not any longer. I think... I think Lee knew that, sensed it, and that is why he... helped me, helped us."
John nodded, his gaze locked with Helena's. Gently he placed his hands on her shoulders.
"He let you go?"
"Yes."
"And you?"
"I'm... adjusting to really being without him, John. In my mind as well as my heart."
"Perhaps as it should be. I hope there is room in your heart for someone else."
Helena's gaze intensified as she understood his meaning.
"There will be - in time."
"You'll have that time, Helena."
He felt his hands move gently down her arms until their fingers touched, then John turned and left her to her thoughts. Helena's eyes moved from the retreating figure of John Koenig to the retreating view of Terra Nova, then back to John. Yes, in time.
March 11, 1988
Revised: June 6, 1996
The noble gesture. No. Helena had to be honest with John. He deserved that.
"I'm not being noble. If anything... John, it's my life. If it ends here on Alpha or somewhere out in space, what difference can it make?"
Their eyes met and Helena felt John reach for her hands, their fingers barely touching.
"It makes a difference -- to me."
She studied him for a moment, realizing she would give in, she would be on that survival ship because John wanted her there, because, as she'd come to know only hours before Breakaway, she did care for this man, and would do what she could to make his burden of command that much lighter. Even if it meant doing something she did not really want to do.
"... I'd rather stay here on Alpha, with you."
John's expression softened.
"And I'd rather have you here, but... Can either of us deny the other five a chance at survival because of... what we are beginning to feel?"
"No, I suppose not. Computer..."
"Made the choices it had to. As we do."
"I don't want to believe this is all we can hope for, John."
"I know, Helena."
He took her hands and held them tightly, feeling her cold fingers beginning to warm in his grasp. Slowly he bent forward to place a kiss on her cheek. When he pulled back, their gazes met again, then Helena turned and walked from his office. John watched her go and swallowed hard. He had no right to alter computer's choice, no matter how much they each wanted Helena to stay on Alpha. The list was final.
Feeling himself begin to warm up slightly, John watched with disbelief as Victor brought out a cigar and wooden match from one of the zippered pockets of his environmental suit. He began to light up.
"Victor, what the hell are you doing?"
"Oh, I don't think Doctor Russell would mind..."
He cut his sentence short as John glanced down, then turned away. Victor had not meant to bring up painful memories for John. He was aware of what seemed to be developing between the commander and the doctor. A growing friendship, and perhaps much more. Victor knew Helena had remained in the Commander's office longer than the other five members of the survival team, and only they - John and Helena - knew what had passed between them in there. Judging from John's saddened, almost sullen mood now, it had been very personal. There was no way to smooth over what he'd just said, so he would just have to change the subject.
John glanced down, then turned slowly in his chair so Victor couldn't see his face. Doctor Russell. Helena. He hoped she understood his reasons for insisting she be on that ship.
It hadn't been so very long ago that Helena told him she needed time to learn if there was room in her life - in her heart - for someone else once she worked through her feelings for her late husband. He, John Koenig, was that someone and it had torn him apart inside; torn at his developing love for Helena, to let her go, but he'd had no choice. The list was final.
Helena sat silently in the rear of Eagle Five, the supplies for their five week journey surrounding them. She closed her eyes and saw John Koenig's face as he insisted she be on this survival ship. It had been one of the most difficult things he'd ever had to do. She knew that. It made their parting no easier, but she did understand why he'd insisted she go. Because he did care for her - deeply - and although his duties to Alpha, as commander, would always have priority in his life, he also wanted to be sure she was as safe as she could be; had the chance to survive while the others faced almost certain death, himself included. Helena sighed and opened her eyes. Nothing had changed, except her understanding of John Koenig, and her feelings for him. She was on the survival ship instead of on Alpha where they both wanted her to be because of those feelings. And because the list was final.
They stepped from Eagle Five to be met by friends and colleagues eager to welcome them back; anxious to learn how they had survived and returned.
"You must have followed us in."
"We went in the opposite direction, I tell you."
Helena nodded as she agreed with Alan Carter, then voiced what she'd not really considered until just this moment.
"Something... brought us home."
Home. The word brought silence to everyone gathered in the reception area. It was the first time since Breakaway anyone had referred to Alpha as home. It was the truth. Finally John Koenig stepped forward. All eyes were on him.
"Yes, home."
He smiled, then looked at Helena Russell. Hand out to her, she stepped toward him and together they started down the corridor, others following. Victor smiled as he tapped the ash from the end of his cigar onto the Alphan floor.
They turned a corner and re-entered Main Mission, others behind them still chattering about their ride through the Black Sun.
Knowing they wouldn't be missed right away, John continued into his office, Helena ahead of him, and closed the isolation doors. She moved to the lower level of his office and the direct vision ports. Koenig joined her there.
"Helena..."
She smiled as she looked at John, their gazes meeting, hands touching. Her fingers were warm this time.
"I'm glad you're back. Welcome home."
He gave her a warm kiss on the cheek and Helena's eyes smiled at him.
"It's a good feeling, John. Do you suppose we'll ever fully understand what happened? How we were able to find our way back here?"
"Perhaps not. It was all so... incredibly incomprehensible, so utterly beyond anything we have experienced before. All that really matters is you were able to find your way home, perhaps with the aid of Victor's Cosmic Intelligence."
"God?"
"Something like that. Helena, do you understand why you had to go, why I had to..."
"Yes, John, I do. I also understand... several other things; your reasons for insisting I go, my reasons for not wanting to go, my reasons for going anyway."
His hands moved up her arms until they rested below her shoulders. Helena took a step toward him and allowed John to hold her closely. The time she needed was growing less with each moment she spent in John Koenig's company.
When she pulled away, their eyes met.
"Suppose we should go back out there and join the celebration? They're bound to have missed us by now."
"We always seem to be running off to be by ourselves, John."
"Fewer curious eyes that way."
"And I suppose it won't last long, this... privacy and secrecy we are trying to maintain. Sooner or later someone is going to notice and begin talking. We need to enjoy this while we can."
"I know. Helena, when things have calmed down a bit later on, would you have dinner with me tonight?"
"Yes, John, I'd like that - curious eyes or not."
He smiled, then both turned and headed back toward Main Mission. The isolation doors opened, allowing the rest of Alpha temporarily into their private world. It was the second step, and John smiled as he watched Helena laughing with David Kano and Paul Morrow. He could feel the time she needed becoming less. It made Alpha feel just that little bit more like home.
March 26, 1989
Revised: June 6, 1996
He watched Helena Russell walk away, leave his office, the bits of computer paper bearing Simmonds' name still held in his fingers. Already she knew instinctively when he needed time to himself. The door closed behind Helena and John sighed. As much as he had disliked Simmonds, no one deserved to die as the Commissioner would. Yet he had brought it about himself, and there was nothing they could do to help the man. It was out of their hands.
But there was something he could do about a certain situation here on Alpha. Twice in the past sixteen days John realized he'd come so very close - much too close - to losing Helena Russell. First to the Triton probe, and nine days later, to the experiment on the Caldorian ship. Fortunately both incidents had worked out in her favor - in their favor - but he didn't like the feeling, the possibility of knowing he could so easily lose Helena before they knew what they had, or could have. John knew he wouldn't always be able to protect her, to save her from the unknown dangers they faced everyday, but perhaps it was time for him to be a little more aggressive. Until now he had been holding back, trying to give Helena the time she needed to put her feelings for her late husband to rest and find room in her heart for someone else. John was that someone else.
He glanced down at his hand and allowed the scraps of paper to fall into the waste container. They would be recycled and used again. Given another chance. But there might not be another chance with Helena.
He stood to go find her.
Helena Russell was in her office, making a final entry in Commissioner Gerald Simmonds' medical file. He was going to be listed as missing, presumed dead. There was a chance, a very slim one, of the Caldorian computer discovering the error and saving him; reactivating the suspended animation sequence so he would reach earth. A very slim chance; but a chance. The hope Simmonds had insisted they should exploit.
She closed the file, then looked up at the sound of a footstep near her office door.
"John... Are you all right?"
"Yeah,... Yeah, I'm fine."
She nodded and closed Simmonds' computerized file, glancing up at John as the data was stored on the proper disk.
"Helena, I came to tell you..."
She met his gaze, sensing he needed to talk, to be with her but not knowing how to say it.
"We've not had much time to talk in the past couple of weeks, have we, John?"
"No, we haven't."
"I never really got a chance to thank you, for making the Triton probe realize and accept the truth."
"I did what I had to, Helena, to save the base..."
She met his gaze and nodded, knowing he had also done it to save her.
"I understand that, John."
Helena rose and moved around the end of her desk to stand beside John. Their gazes met.
"I also understand why you excluded your name from those eligible to return to Earth."
"You do?"
"Yes. You know, Captain Zantor offered me that spot on his ship when I was running my tests on the Caldorians."
"What did you tell him?"
"Nothing. I gave him no answer. Then, when you asked me if I'd go..."
"You said it was a tempting offer."
"Yes, I did, and it was, but... I would have declined. There's nothing for me back on Earth."
"Not even with Captain Zantor?"
So, John had noticed the attraction they'd had for one another. Good.
"Not even with him. My life is on Alpha now... He did say my beauty would be greatly enhanced by suspended animation."
"It was."
She smiled and blushed slightly, remembering John's expression, and her feelings when she'd awakened from the experiment to find John gazing down at her. John was beginning to grow slightly impatient. But she wasn't quite ready yet, ready to let go completely and allow him into her heart.
"I admit I was tempted, but when I thought of all I could accomplish in seventy five years, time that would be wasted had I agreed... I'm needed here more."
"It keeps coming back to time, doesn't it, Helena?"
"Yes, but time put to good use, I hope."
"That's something we must each answer for ourselves."
"True."
"Helena, we still have time."
It was almost a question, and Helena nodded. The realization that, given a choice, Helena would choose Alpha, had not been a startling one. Her life was now on Alpha, and more and more it was centering on this man before her; this man who was so determined and confident when under pressure, when in command, but so uncertain around her, about how to approach her and make their time together count for something. She met his eyes again.
"Yes, John, we still have time."
He nodded. Her eyes held a promise of what was to come but could not be just yet. She did understand - so much about him. He smiled. So long as they both knew, and realized what they were heading toward, he could be content to wait just a little longer. The realization would hold him until Helena no longer needed that time they'd spoken of. He could wait.
March 27, 1989
Revised: June 6, 1996
He stood near one side of the Observation Room, eyes fixed on the slowly receding spaceship graveyard, but not fully seeing it. His mind was on other things, related yes, but not fully on the ships that would drift forever in the void.
He felt a gentle touch on his arm and blinked, turning toward her as she spoke.
"I thought I might find you here, John. Are you all right?"
"Yes, just... thinking. I'd like to have given them all more than simply being left behind on a dead spaceship with an alien creature that may or may not also be dead; a more fitting memorial of some sort. But I know we couldn't risk it, risk even the smallest chance of bringing that monster, Tony's dragon - back to Alpha."
Helena nodded, her eyes resting briefly on the spaceships in the distance before glancing down at her hands.
"I am sorry about Tony, John."
"He died trying to clear himself, Helena, died for something he knew was real, something he believed."
"I know that, now."
Their eyes met briefly, then moved on to the stars about them. Silence was between them for a time until John turned back toward Helena.
"Why did you follow us onto the Ultra Probe ship?"
She met his gaze. When he'd first suggested she stay behind on the Eagle, Helena had been briefly offended and resentful, but quickly realized it was her safety John was trying to ensure. His ever growing desire, and need, to protect her had prompted the suggestion, nothing else.
"Because I needed to confirm that your belief in Cellini was well founded as much as Cellini needed to go back and face his monster. I told you I'd never understood your admiration for him. I think now, maybe, I'm beginning to."
John nodded and watched as Helena sighed heavily, then moved a few steps away from him. Her head was bowed, her back to him, and John could feel something not quite right between them. He closed the distance separating them and rested his hands on her shoulders.
"What is it, Helena? What's wrong?"
She shook her head but John turned her to face him.
"Helena."
"It's... us, John."
"Us?"
"Yes."
"You mean the disagreement about Tony?"
"It was more than a disagreement, or even an argument, John. It was an all out fight."
"Guess maybe it was."
"And it truly bothered me, disturbed me to be feeling what I was - toward you, about us."
"That was a professional conflict, Helena. It shouldn't affect our personal lives."
"But it did."
He nodded, thinking of the flowering plant he'd brought her to help smooth things over. He'd not have done that had it been on a purely professional basis.
"I know."
"We're both the type who won't back down on something we feel strongly about, John. We wouldn't be doing our jobs here if we did. We'd be letting the others down. And while our professional positions shouldn't affect our personal lives, you know they will, simply because of who we are, what we do. I'm not sure I can deal with that, John. I'm not even sure about us."
She sadly met his eyes, knowing she was being unfair to John. Helena knew what he was feeling for her went deeper than friendship; had the potential for so much more. And she wanted to return those feelings, but couldn't quite yet. This conflict about Tony Cellini had only served to confuse her more. John shook his head.
"But I am, Helena. I am sure about us. I can't promise you that our professional lives won't complicate, perhaps even interfere now and then with our personal lives, but I'm not willing to give up on us simply to avoid minor conflicts and disagreements. Our relationship can be - and is - stronger than that. Conflicts will happen in any situation, no matter what the circumstances. Helena, I see the potential for something very special, unique between us beginning to develop, to evolve. I want to take that potential as far as we can go with it."
"John..."
"Helena, I promised you the time you needed, and you will have it. But I also promised myself I would make life on Alpha as pleasant as possible for everyone here. That includes the two of us."
She smiled again, slowly, lowering her eyes to her hands. John's hands came up to cover her hands and he squeezed gently.
"It's like the reality and hope that is so much a part of this room, Helena. We know what we're beginning to feel is very real, and we can hope for something more, something very intense and lasting."
Helena swallowed and looked up to meet John's gaze.
"It won't be easy."
"Would you want it to be?"
"No, I suppose not."
John smiled, then placed a tender parting kiss on Helena's cheek. He headed for the Observation Room door, leaving Helena to her thoughts. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. Helena Russell would be a part of his personal future, of that John Koenig was certain. He smiled to himself as he glanced back at Helena, who was gazing up at the stars, her thoughts filled with so many possibilities. He was also certain she would come to the same conclusion about him as he had of her. Their hopes were far reaching, endless, but their reality was anchored in one another, on Moonbase Alpha. He was certain.
The door closed behind John but Helena did not hear. She was considering all he'd said, all they could have - the hopes and realities of a life together on Moonbase Alpha. Just a bit more time and she could make that choice; that commitment John hoped for. She too smiled.
March 28, 1989
Revised: June 10, 1996
Helena Russell sat in her dimly lit quarters, eyes resting on nothing in particular as her thoughts wandered, while her mind digested all that occurred recently. Events had moved so quickly, so swiftly that she'd not had time to consider, to absorb and accept all she'd lived through.
With Terra Nova only a few days behind them, the Alphans had faced the first real test of their abilities to survive in space when they encountered that black sun. The fact they were able to withstand and survive the tremendous forces involved was miracle enough, but Helena discovered how deep human resourcefulness and inventiveness could go when everything was at stake. She also discovered whatever was developing between herself and John Koenig was more intense, deeper, more compelling than she had realized, than he had realized, and perhaps than either was ready to admit.
It touched something in Helena she'd not felt for as very long time when John told her it mattered to him where and how she died. Having seen him 'die', then recover on Terra Nova made her realize it was more than nobility on her part that had prompted her not wanting to accept her place on the survival ship. She'd known, without conscious thought, that if she were to die, she wanted to be with John. It mattered little she had only recently told John she needed time; time to find a place in her heart for him. It was already there, more firmly established than she'd realized.
Other events passed through her memory: her encounter with the Triton probe, the Caldorians' visit and Simmonds'... entombment on their ship bound for Earth. The encounter with their other selves on an Earth they did not know, then John being 'lost' to the planet Zenno, only to return to Alpha; all had helped to make her realize how firmly established John Koenig's place was in her heart. Most significant though, had been their encounter with their other selves - that second moon, that other Earth and... a woman who in another reality had loved and married the man she herself was coming to know. That knowledge, of John and Helena's love in another place, another time even, had filled Helena's dreams with speculation. She'd seen how deeply John was loved by her other self, and wondered if it could be that way in her reality. Helena now knew it could be so. The hardest, most difficult and painful thing she'd ever had to do - as a woman - had been to turn off John Koenig's life support system when they thought him lost to Zenno. Once more losing him before they'd really had a chance to learn what could be. She did not know how he had come back from his journey to Zenno, perhaps she would never know, but the elation she'd felt upon hearing his voice was something completely new to her.
Reality. Helena knew it had only been a matter of days since she'd let go of Lee Russell in order to develop something with another man, with John Koenig. Days. It seemed to make little difference out in space. John had a firm place in her heart. She would not be alone as she had been for so long, and knowing John's feelings for her were as intense, and sudden, helped. Days. She almost dared not think beyond a single day. No one knew what could be ahead of them in space. And yet the hope and optimism was there. She wanted to plan a future. One that included John Koenig. She sensed he felt the same way.
The interlude of nothing but routine activity on Alpha was a blessing as far as John Koenig was concerned. It gave him the chance to sit back and sort through some of the things he'd experienced recently. A great deal of it had centered around his growing feelings for Helena Russell. Even, in a round about way, his actions while a 'guest' of Raan on the planet Zenno. At the time he believed he might actually have felt something for Vana, but now, with distance, time and reality behind him, John knew it had only been a ruse - to help Vana realize he could no more fit in on Zenno than she could on Alpha, and to make Raan realize the futility of trying to keep him on Zenno against his will. John hoped Vana had not been too deeply hurt. That had never been his intention, but John had wanted Raan to understand the choice was not one he could make - it had been made for him the day he took command of Alpha, the day of Breakaway. Perhaps the alien scientist would find some useful information in the data he'd gathered during the 'experiment' after all.
Sighing, John admitted - to himself - that anything he may have felt for Vana, be it love, sympathy or compassion, faded when he'd seen Helena Russell's bewildered, surprised, delighted, joyful face as he spoke to her after his supposed death. Victor had since told him of the struggle Helena raged with herself to make that decision - to turn off his life support system. Her reaction had been genuine, just as he'd been unable to keep his eyes from her features after his 'return'.
She'd said she needed time. He would give her that, but John began to realize the period needed by her would not be as long as first anticipated.
He smiled. She'd already found a place in his heart. It would not be long until the reverse was also true. Now, in this interlude of quiet between what was behind them and what was still to come, John hoped he and Helena both would be able to put things in order in their minds. His return from planet Zenno ten days before was in perspective - or so he hoped. And once the wound on his forehead was completely healed, there would only be snatches of memory to remind him of what transpired.
Pulled from his reverie by the buzzing that signaled someone was at his door, John Koenig blinked, activating his commlock as he pulled it from its stand on a nearby table. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Helena Russell's image on the tiny screen.
"John."
"Helena, come in..."
He pressed the stud to open the door to his quarters and Helena entered. She stood by the door as it closed, meeting John's gaze.
"I'm not disturbing you, am I?"
"Of course, not, Helena. Come in, sit."
She inclined her head slightly and smiled, moving across the floor to sit on the end of the couch closest to the chair by which he stood.
"I missed you earlier today when you came by to have your wound checked. I wanted to look at it myself. You're not having any trouble with it, are you?"
"No, Helena, I hardly notice it anymore."
She stood again and moved to where John sat in the chair, reaching out toward the bandage covering his injury. John smiled and relaxed as Helena's skilled fingers examined his wound. They both knew it was not the true reason for her visit to his quarters. She could easily have called him in to the Medical Center in the morning, but it would suffice should anyone question it. She was making a simple house call.
Helena met John's eyes a bit uneasily when she finished her quick probe of his injury, then returned to her spot on the end of the couch, returning his casual smile.
"It is healing beautifully, John. There should only be a faint scar, which will fade in time."
"That's good to know, Helena. What have you been doing with you 'leisure' time these past few days?"
"Work mostly, getting caught up on things, but I have had a chance to do some thinking."
"Good. As have I."
"John..."
She couldn't find the right words then, and looked up to meet John's gaze. It held a soft, gentle message she doubted few had ever seen. The man she was sitting with was a stark contrast to the firm, determined, sometimes slightly overbearing man who was in command of the base they all depended on for life. And Helena knew she need not fear or hesitate around this man. This was John. He'd left the guise of Commander Koenig somewhere else for the moment.
"John,... remember that time I told you I needed awhile ago?"
"Yes..."
"I don't think I need any more - want any more."
"You're certain?"
"I'm certain, John. Everyday I tell people to let go of the past and live for the future. It's about time I took some of my own advice."
Helena smiled and met John's gaze without hesitation.
"Seems wise to me, Helena."
"And to me. The room for you in my heart was always there, it just took awhile for that fact to reach my head."
Tenderly John reached out for Helena until their fingers met. The acceptance he found there told him part of his life - their lives - would always be firmly anchored in whatever developed between them. Helena's eyes reflected that same realization.
Frowning as his commlock buzzed a second time, John reached for it distractedly.
"Koenig."
"Commander."
"Yes, Kano?"
"Computer reports a new contact. Long range scanners indicate the possibility of life, and we are receiving computer activity confirmation. We have begun broadcasting on all frequencies and should be within Eagle range in just under thirty six hours."
"Thank you Kano... Have reports on my desk in the morning."
"Yes sir."
Koenig flipped the devise off and glanced back at Helena. There was nothing he could do about the contact now. It would still be there come morning. Presently he wanted to devote his time to discovering the woman sitting with him. Their places in each other's hearts was established. What came next, what developed from those places, was up to them.
March 11, 1988
Revised: June 10, 1996
They had brought a dead world back to life, and were no longer within range. The Alphans could not take advantage of what the planet now had to offer. But, as disappointed as she was at missing out on the chance of a possible new home, Helena Russell's thoughts were not totally on that now distant planet.
As a precaution, once everyone was safely back on Alpha, John Koenig ordered a complete and thorough check of all base systems, down to and including the most insignificant computer function. Everything seemed to check out fine. David Kano was pleased and John Koenig seemed satisfied that all was back to normal operations. But Helena was not. She wondered and worried how a computer - a machine - had been able to so completely affect and control their human minds. The more she studied the problem, the more convinced she became that the Pirian computer had found a way to alter their environment to make their minds more open to suggestion. It was almost as if a chemical imbalance had been electronically programmed into them all to act as if they were under the influence of some mind altering substance; in this case, the Pirian computer.
Helena's own actions were proof of that. As part of her investigation, Helena checked her medical records; the orders she had given while under the Pirian computer's influence to be certain no one received improper treatment - then or now. And she was shocked by her own actions - her apparent lack of any real concern for patients, their conditions, and her ability to so casually dismiss a potentially dangerous condition as minor. If some deep, basic concern and instinct to preserve life, as yet untouched by the Pirian computer not surfaced when it had, John Koenig could easily have died from complications as a result of the injuries sustained in his fight with Alan Carter.
Helena shuddered. The facts frightened her. Not simply the knowledge that as a doctor she had been influenced so her regard for life was affected, but the knowledge that the person she could have killed through neglect had been John Koenig, a man who, in spite of all she had done to him - sedating him, confining him to quarters and restricting his commlock - had turned to her for help while on the surface of Piri. He could as easily have gone to Victor, or Tanya, or any of the Main Mission staff, but he had chosen her. Helena blushed slightly when recalling the thoughts running through her mind as John pulled her toward the Eagle. She'd been giggling like a schoolgirl, yet if she weren't so very attracted to John, the thoughts would not have come to her, not caused her to blush now.
"Helena?"
Startled, Helena jumped slightly as she looked up, finding John Koenig just inside the open door to her office. She'd not heard him approach.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Doctor Mathias said you were still here."
"Yes, I was following up on a few things left over from Piri."
"Problems?"
"No, more like cautious curiosity. I was hoping to learn how a mechanical intelligence could influence a biological intelligence so completely as to make us do... all the things we did."
"And...?"
"I've found nothing conclusive yet. I have a theory or two that I may never be able to confirm, but the speculation is interesting."
"Care to share it over coffee?"
Helena nodded as she smiled, cleared off her desk and joined Koenig by the door. He returned her smile and together they left the medical center.
Silence was their companion as they walked the corridors to the cafeteria. Once seated, hot cup of coffee before each, John reached across the table to touch Helena's hand. Their gazes met.
"What's wrong?"
She began to shake her head, to deny there was anything wrong, but the slight increase of pressure on her hand from John stopped her.
"Helena..."
Only a few short days ago she had told John there was room in her life, in her heart, for him and already she could hide nothing from him. She smiled sadly and met his gaze again.
"I'm trying to figure out..."
"What?"
"After all I did to you before leaving for Piri, the betrayal you must have felt when learning I had ordered your confinement to quarters..."
"Go on."
"Well,... Why did you come to me for help on Piri?"
"Because I couldn't do it alone."
He met Helena's gaze and shook his head. That wasn't the real reason. Just as she couldn't hide anything from him, John was learning the reverse was also true. He could hide nothing from Helena. Nor did he want to.
"No, that's not completely true, not the only reason... Before I went down to Piri that last time, the Servant visited me here. It healed my injuries, tried to convert me to the Pirian way of thinking and accepting. And it used you as an example. I suppose it figured if I saw how sedate and content you were, I'd want to join you there, to share it. Instead, I saw a vital, intelligent woman, whom I'm coming to care more and more for each day, losing the independence, the spark, the vitality that was part of the reason I was attracted to her. It twisted my insides like nothing I'd felt before. On my way down to Piri, all I could think of was breaking that hold on you; of bringing you back to normal. I was worried about all the others too, but I doubt I would have been so... determined, would have acted so rashly had the Servant chosen to show me anyone else. I did need help, I wanted you near me when I tried. I did not know what would happen, and..."
Helena had covered John's hand with her other one and their gazes met again. He need not say more. She knew. She understood.
"You were never seduced by what the Guardian was offering. You saw the reality right from the beginning."
"Perhaps. I do know that perfection is not for us, not for humans. We are imperfect for a reason."
She nodded and glanced down, her smile fading slightly. John knew what was still bothering her.
"Helena, you can't be held responsible for what you did - what you were caused to do, forced to do - while under the Guardian's influence. You had no control over yourself. The Guardian was using you - all the Alphans - to achieve its own misguided directives. I didn't feel betrayed, Helena. A little hurt, perhaps, until I remembered you were simply being used by the Pirian computer, and that only served to strengthen my determination all the more."
Their gazes met again and Helena smiled slowly.
"Thank you, John."
"For what?"
"For... everything, for the truth."
"I hope we'll always have that, Helena."
"I'm sure we will."
Both smiled.
August 1, 1988 Revised: June 23, 1996
An atmosphere. That was about the last thing John Koenig had ever expected to see over the lunar surface, but then, less than two years ago the last thing he would have expected was to be in command of a wandering moon, torn from its ageless orbit around Earth due to a nuclear accident. He was quickly coming to believe there was no longer anything he should not expect.
An atmosphere. It was a mixed blessing. Already he could sense a slight drop in efficiency as people dwelt on how they were going to spend their allotted time out in the sunshine and fresh air. Helena said they'd have to be careful about sitting in drafts. As he'd replied, they had just exchanged one set of problems for another.
And one of the problems was to learn more about this new world they had been living on for months. While they'd been over nearly every inch of it in the time since Breakaway, searching and scanning for anything that could be of use to them, it had always, always been in the dark, airless void of space. Things would look much different 'in the light of day' as the old saying went. The Alphans needed to know what they had to work with since the Beings of the planet Ariel had been kind enough to give them what they wanted and searched for -- a habitable planet. He could see only one way to learn what lay before them on the lunar surface.
Koenig glanced out the direct vision port of his office, feeling a soft, gentle smile come to his face when his gaze rested on Helena sitting a bit apart from the noise and excitement of everyone else. Her golden hair caught and radiated the early beginnings of a colorful sunset. How many more could they expect to see?
Turning, John left the confines of the base, feeling an odd sensation when he willingly stepped onto the lunar surface without a spacesuit. But the distantly warm sun on his face and the breeze that disturbed his hair let those thoughts pass almost instantly. Something else told him to enjoy it while he could. There was much work ahead of them.
Listening to the faint but audible crunch of his boots on the lunar soil, Koenig slowly approached Helena Russell as she sat on a low outcropping of rocks, her eyes focused on some distant, perhaps invisible spot. He didn't want to startle her. But she heard his approach and glanced over her shoulder, giving him a soft smile.
"John."
"Helena, mind if I join you?"
"Of course not, John. I'm pleased to see you out here getting a bit of fresh air."
"Hard to resist, after all the months cooped up in there."
Helena's response was simply a smile and a nod, then she turned her face to the wind and allowed it to blow her hair. She closed her eyes.
"I can almost smell the ocean."
John watched her appreciatively, his love for this woman growing. He did likewise and smiled. After a moment he opened his eyes to find Helena glancing away quickly, not wanting him to know she had been watching him. John smiled and stood.
"Walk with me?"
For an answer, Helena also stood and took the hand John held out to her. Slowly she and John began to wind their way through the clusters of rocks. Perhaps, someday, it would be a grove of trees...
Above them the sky was taking on brilliant pink and orange hues as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon. They walked directly toward it, their eyes never once leaving the changing colors reflected by the clouds.
"When was the last sunset you saw, Helena?"
She glanced at John, holding the hair back from her eyes with long, delicate fingers.
"The last one I saw or the last one I enjoyed?"
Koenig spread his hands, giving her the option of telling him whatever she wanted.
"The last one I saw was the night before I came to Alpha. I spent the entire night on the beach, listening to the ocean, feeling the breeze against my face, in my hair, and watching the moon make its way across the sky, studying the features I was soon to see first hand."
"Sounds very... peaceful, Helena."
"It was. I did a lot of thinking that night."
"But you didn't enjoy that sunset?"
"In some ways I did..."
"But in other ways you didn't because... no one was there to share it?"
Helena Russell glanced out the corner of her eye at the man strolling beside her. He was more caring, more sensitive than he let on, than others cared to believe, but she was coming to see depths to John Koenig few others knew of.
"Yes... The last sunset I enjoyed was... a week before Lee left Earth for the Astro Seven mission. We'd rented a mountain lake cabin for a few days and that last night we spent walking and talking... What about you, John?"
"The last sunset I saw was as I left Earth to come here. I can't remember the last one I enjoyed -- until tonight."
He met Helena's gaze and thought she blushed, but couldn't be sure in the reddened, fading light.
"I will say this. I hardly expected to be walking on the surface of the moon, enjoying our very own sunset with a beautiful woman."
This time he was certain Helena blushed and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Coming to a large, low rock, they sat and watched as the last rays of sunlight gave way to the darkness and glittering stars shimmering above them.
"Helena, I've been doing some thinking today, giving priorities to what is ahead of us. One of the first things we must do is find out what lies in store for us on the surface. I was rather hoping you would be willing to command a team on a short exploration mission."
"Me, John? Wouldn't you or Victor..."
"Helena, I wouldn't ask if I weren't sure you have the qualities and abilities needed. Will you do it?"
In the almost complete darkness, Helena met John's gaze and nodded. Considering how they had started off only months before, she thought this to be quite a step forward - for both of them - in several ways. She would do nothing to make John lose his professional confidence in her.
"Of course, John."
"Good. I'll have more details for you in the morning. It won't be a long mission -- I don't want you away from me for more than a couple of days. I'll get lonely."
Helena responded to John's grin with a smile of her own and a gentle squeeze of his hand. Their gazes met, then both stood, knowing it was time they went back inside the base. With the setting of the sun the temperature was rapidly decreasing, and neither was dressed for cool weather. Helena did not want to start treating the Alphans for colds again.
Unable to sleep, too upset by the day's events to allow himself to sleep, John Koenig stood by the direct vision port of his quarters, hands stuffed in his robe pockets, gazing out over the cold night landscape of the moon. In many respects it was more harsh, more deadly this way than it had been before the people of Ariel gave them an atmosphere. Before, if a person were lost out there with little or no hope of rescue, they were assured a relatively quick, painless, death. Lack of oxygen once suit supplies ran out would cause unconsciousness followed by a painless, peaceful death. Or it would be quick, from explosive decompression. But this way... suffering the extremes of temperature, constantly blasted by dust from high winds and little or no source of ready water... this way death would be a prolonged agony. One that perhaps his friends were suffering.
Damn! Somewhere out there, four people, one in particular, whom he cared about were struggling against the elements with the hope Alpha would soon find them before the time they didn't even know they were short on ran out. Somewhere out there four friends were fighting against death, and the hardest part of it all for Koenig was not the possibility they might not survive, not the probability of injuries caused by the crash of Eagle Two Eight, but the knowledge that he, John Koenig, had sent them to that fate. He had asked them to go, to do this for Alpha. Any one of them could have refused, but because he had put his trust in them, none had. Ultimately he was responsible for whatever became of them. It was not something John enjoyed knowing.
And as certain as he was responsible for the fate of Eagle Two Eight's crew, he knew it would not stop with them. Until they found the home they searched for - longed for, be it there on the moon, on Ariel, or on some distant, as yet uncharted planet - he would have to continue sending men and women into danger, perhaps into death. There was no way out of it. His duties as commander called for decision making that could cost others their lives, perhaps as it would cost the lives of Eagle Two Eight's crew. It was an aspect of command John would never like, never enjoy, never do willingly.
Perhaps more than anyone else on Alpha, John Koenig longed for that elusive place to call home. He longed for the same reasons as everyone else, but also for the relief it would bring him from being responsible for over three hundred lives every day. Someday...
But lately he had begun to include someone else in his dreams and fantasies of a future; since before she told him she no longer needed time, had the place in her heart for him. And that someone was presently out there somewhere, in need of his help, and he was unable to provide it adequately. There had to be a way though. They had not come this far to be stopped now. He would find a way to bring Paul, Sandra, Alan and Helena back to Alpha safely. And after that, John again wondered how many sunsets he and Helena would be able to enjoy - together.
Turning from the darkened landscape, Koenig slowly walked toward his bed, removing his bathrobe. He had assured Bob Mathias - and Victor - that he would at least try to rest. Stretching out, John pulled the sheet over his shoulders and closed his eyes, his thoughts of Helena and the others.
He tried to clear his mind after a time, to allow sleep to come, but it wouldn't. When he closed his eyes, Helena's image was before him. And he couldn't help remembering that once again he could so easily lose her before they'd had a chance to really know what they could have; fulfill the promise of what was developing between them. He no longer had to wonder what his feelings for Helena were; he loved her, and everyday that love became more intense, more deep. He had yet to tell her so, sensing the time was not quite right, but he expected she knew. Helena had not told him of her feelings for him either, but he could see what she was feeling. The way her eyes lit up when he was near, the smile she gave to him alone. In just over three months, since Helena admitted there was room in her heart for him, John had been allowing their relationship to develop at its own speed, not pushing but taking it as it came. He'd never regretted that decision - and still didn't, but was determined not to lose Helena before he had a chance to tell her.
And he could so easily lose her. It was a danger they faced everyday. There had been many close calls - for both of them. Anton Zoref seeking heat from Helena in the Medical Center; Jarak and Rena holding her hostage were only two recent incidents. And now this. Helena lost somewhere on the ever changing hostile surface of the moon.
He sighed and rolled onto his side. There had to be a way of finding Helena and the others. He wouldn't give up until they were safely back on Alpha, until he saw Helena's smile again. And he would tell her. Soon.
John rolled over again, this time so he could gaze out the direct vision port across his quarters. Somewhere out there Helena was fighting to survive. He would do all he could to be certain she did.
Helena sat beside a feverish Sandra Benes, doing her best to cool the other woman with a damp cloth. Behind her Paul was stretched out resting but not asleep while Alan snored softly. They were all exhausted, worried about Sandra and themselves. At least they knew Alpha was searching for them, and tomorrow they would do their best in helping Alpha to locate their position.
Sitting back, Helena sighed and sipped her water ration slowly. This was her first real 'command', the first time John - or anyone - had trusted her abilities and judgment enough to make her responsible for the lives under her authority. She was responsible for lives everyday, faced with life and death decisions - medical decisions - constantly, but this was different. And she would not disappoint John Koenig. One way or another she would keep them all alive and functional long enough to let Alpha's search be successful. She owed that to John, to Alan, Paul and Sandra, but especially she owed it to herself.
Hearing someone nearby, Helena glanced up to see Paul squatting down beside her, his hand reaching out to touch Sandra's feverish skin. He frowned, then met Helena's gaze in the darkened Eagle cabin.
"Let me sit with her for a time, Helena. Try to rest."
Helena was about to protest, to tell Paul he needed rest more than she, but the sadly worried look on his face stopped her. This man wanted - and needed - to feel as if he were helping Sandra directly; taking an active part in caring for her, so Helena nodded. She rose, placed a comforting hand on Morrow's shoulder, then tiredly took the few steps across the cabin to her own sleeping bag. She stretched out, closing her eyes to almost instant sleep. There was nothing more she could do that night, and Paul would certainly alert her to any change in Sandra's condition.
Koenig knew he was being unreasonable. The Eagle techs were doing their best to fight something they'd never encountered before, but he couldn't help it. Those four people out there were his friends, and he would not accept responsibility for their deaths, would not give up trying to locate them until the last possible moment. He had told Victor 'We've got to find them.' and he'd meant it - even if that determination would put everyone out on the surface searching on foot. It might come to that - if they couldn't get an Eagle working properly, or if he found he couldn't wait the two days he had given the techs to corrosion-proof an entire craft. Anything could happen to Helena and the others in two days... He didn't want to consider the possibilities.
Coughing from the never ending dust, Helena forced the Eagle hatch open and glanced over at Sandra. She seemed to be sleeping again - thank goodness she would be all right. She would be weak for a time and would need careful tending, but she was out of immediate danger. As for Paul,... she could only guess what had caused him to go off in search of 'water', where there was none, in the dead of night. She could only hope he would be able to find his way back to the ship by morning, for breaking that kind of news to Sandra would...
Suddenly Helena realized someone was watching her and glanced up to find Alan awake. She shook her head, anticipating his question, not wanting him to wake Sandra nor for her to know the truth just yet if she were not asleep. Come daylight would be soon enough.
Resuming her bed, Helena met Alan's gaze and he frowned, matching her own thoughts. Paul should have known better, had more sense and consideration for them, but desperation could cause a man to do unusual things and maybe, just maybe, he would be lucky and find water, or something that could help them survive until Alpha found them.
Too tired to think any more about it, Helena closed her eyes to exhaustion.
Finally it was over. Thanks to Helena's desperate signal, the crew of the now destroyed Eagle Two Eight had been found before it was too late. Mathias was checking them over now, in the rear of Eagle One, and they were all headed for home - for Alpha. John glanced down at his knuckles - the ones he'd had to use to subdue Paul Morrow - and grimaced slightly. They would need tending, but could wait until later.
Hearing the hatch open behind him, Koenig glanced up from his flying to see Mathias kneel beside him, a look of relieved satisfaction on his face. He nodded once to the Commander's silent question.
"They'll all recover, sir. Everyone is a little dehydrated and under-nourished, but a few days of careful dietary monitoring will take care of that."
John nodded and glanced at the doctor again as he