And now, Piiiiigs Iiiiiiin Spaaaaace:1999

   'When last we left the *Swine Trek*, Doctor Strangepork had just detected signs of life on a UFO - unidentified floating object - that looked suspiciously like Earth's moon. He was trying to establish communications of some sort.
   'Meanwhile, on the UFO - and it was Earth's moon, blasted out of Earth's orbit by a massive nuclear explosion in the year 1999, the three hundred and some odd people (depending on how many Security Guards and Eagle pilots died in the previous episode), huddled together on the tiny base called Alpha, in the crater Pluto, were unaware of the close encounter they were about to have. Alone in the Command Center (because everyone else was on a Verdeschi beer break), Commander John Koenig, along with his ever faithful and vigilant Medical Officer, Helena Russell, sat at his desk, Helena _very_ close by, and watched as the oddly shaped space craft drew near their base.'

   "What do you make of it, John?"
   "Look's like a spaceship in the shape of a pig's head to me, Helena. Any life signs?"
   "Yes, three -- all of them swine."
   "No, I don't want any wine. Maybe later, when we're off duty."
   "John, I said 'swine' -- hogs, pigs."
   "As in bacon?"
   "Precisely."
   "Well no wonder we don't understand their signals. Computer has no knowledge of Pig Latin. Helena, check the personnel records. See if anyone lists Pig Latin as a second language."
   The good doctor did as the commander requested, coming up with the answer in a matter of seconds.
   "Only one person, Commander - Porkey Mandell, but he's confined to the Medical Center with a _terrible_ case of swine flu."
   "How did he pick that up?"
   "He was reading about Chicago - 'Hog Butcher to the World'."
   Koenig shook his head, pushed Helena off his lap and stood up. The spacecraft was landing.
   "Then we'd better hope they understand English. Come on."
   Together, Koenig and Russell left the Command Center, a delighted giggle echoing down the hall as John slipped his arm about Helena's waist.

   'Meanwhile, back aboard the *Swine Trek*, Doctor Strangepork had just made a startling discovery about the asteroid they'd landed on.'

   "Holy Cow! Do you know where we are?!"
   "Ahhhh,.... Pittsburg?"
   "We're on a hunk of rock with holes in it. What's so exciting about that?"
   "First Mate Piggy, we have just landed on Earth's moon. It was blasted out of Earth orbit in 1999 by a massive nuclear explosion!"
   "This is only 1982, Strangepork! How do you know what happens seventeen years from now?"
   "I read it at the beginning of this idiotic story, and ... the guys at ITC told me."
   "Oh."
   "Gee, Doctor, I always thought the moon was made out of _green_ cheese, not swiss cheese."
   The doctor and first mate stared at their handsome but dumb companion, Link Hogthrob, exchanged defeated glances and shook their heads.
   "Forget it, Link."
   "Forget what?"
   "Never mind. My readings indicate the people living on that base do not know we are here. We must make contact somehow..."
   "They don't answer any of our calls?"
   "Not a one, Captain."
   "Maybe they're not home."
   "Can it, Hogthrob. Doctor, perhaps they aren't bi-lingual, like *moi*."
   "Or maybe they know _you're_ here, First Make Piggy."
   "Watch it, Hogthrob, or you'll end up as the topping on a sausage pizza!"
   "Captain, we really must make contatc with these moon people."
   "How do we do that, Strangepork? Walk over nad ring the doorbell?"
   "Exactly, First Mate Piggy. Le't go."
   Within minutes, the crew of the *Swine Trek* had their spacesuits on and were trudging across the surface of the moon to what appeared to be the front door. They were met by a sign reading *Beware of Psychon*.
   "What is a Psychon, Doctor Strangepork?"
   "Isn't that some kind of salad dressing - like Thousand Island?"
   "No, no, Link. It is a curse. It may be these moon people cannot answer our signals because they suffer from the dreaded Psychon curse - a plague of rust that affects all communications systems."
   "A curse? Oh No! Will we catch it?!!"
   "Hogthrob, you meathead, you can't 'catch' a curse!"
   "That's what your mother thought - until you were born."
   "Oh yeah? Hi-ee-yahha!!"
   First Mate Piggy gave her Captain a shove and he stumbled against the outer bulkhead, depressing a button maked 'Pushe Here'. Somewhere in the distance they heard a door bell ring. The Captain recolied in horror.
   "Oh no, now you've done it. They might answer it!"
   "Quiet, Hogthrob."
   Slowly the door before them opened and the crew of the *Swine Trek* entered, jumping as the door closed behind them. First Mate Piggy knew they were in _*big*_ trouble.

   John Koenig stood, stungun in hand, before the airlock as Helena Russell peeked out from behind him. It was a shame all the Security Guards had died in the last episode. She really wished they could be there to offer a little protection - safety in numbers and all that. If they got out of this alive, she would have to make sure John sent a request to the head office at ITC, asking for additional expendable extras.
   Slowly the airlock door opened and Helena tensed a little when the three porkers inched carefully into the base.
   "I'm Commander John Koenig of Moonbase Alpha. Who are you?"
   "Would you believe the Avon Lady?"
   First Mate Piggy and Captain Hogthrob stared at Doctor Strangepork in astonishment, then returned their attention to the two people in front of them.
   "No, I would not. Follow me."
   "Where are we going?"
   "To get some answers."
   "What was the question?"
   Strangepork glared at his Captain again, knowing the only reason he had been given command of their ship was his looks, then glanced at First Mate Piggy as she shoved her elbow into the Captain's ribs.
   "Wait a minute."
   John looked at the sow of the group as she elnowed the hog beside her, the one not wearing glasses. He gazed at her while she whispered something to him, then looked at John, who sighed heavily. This had better be good.
   "What is it?"
   "Ah,... I'm supposed to ask what a Psychon is."
   "How do you know about her?"
   "_Her?!_"
   Hogthrob's eyes lit up, but First Mate Piggy had no time for her Captain's flights of romantic fancy.
   "We saw your sign outside."
   Koenig looked puzzled for a moment uintil Helena whispered in his ear. He stared at her with disbelief.
   "Really?"
   "Really."
   "When did that happen?"
   "Tony put it up last April Fool's Day."
   "Does Maya know about this?"
   "Why do you think we haven't seen much of Tony for awhile? She put a Psychon hex on him and he's developed a strange craving for mushrooms, so he and Paul Morrow have been keeping company in the catacombs lately."
   John smiled, amused by the idea of Maya getting even with Tony. But, he had more pressing matters to deal with, so he turned his attention back to the trio of swine before him.
   "Let's go."
   "But what's a Psychon? Can she hurt us?"
   "Not unless she's angry with you."
   John and Helena both smiled, then Helena turned to Capatin Hogthrob, her professional facade in place.
   "A Psychon is simply one of a race of beings who possess the ability - at will - to transform into any living creature."
   "Fascinating! This Psychon of your's can turn into anything -- a tree, a lady bug, a bird, a hog...."
   "Yes, and she can even turn into a butcher. We haven't had any fresh meat on Alpha in a long, long time. Do as the Commander says."
   That struck a note of fear (D flat minor, actually) in the *Swine Trek's* crew, and they willingly followed Koenig and the woman deeper into the recesses of the place known to them only as Moonbase Alpha.

   An hour later, after a complete physical for each member of the *Swine Trek*, the results causing Doctor Russell to announce that each of them was definitely a pig, they sat in silence in the rec room of Moonbase Alpha, watching as Koenig paced before them. Deciding that something had to be done and she was just the pig to do it, First Mate Piggy stood up, with the pretense of stretching. She glanced over her shoulder - the blond doctor was busy with her computer, so Piggy took a deep breath and slowly walked toward Koenig. He was not an un-attractive man, and if she could keep him busy for a little while, Link and Strangepork could make a run for it, and she would follow. And, she knew just what to do.
   Smoothing her hair and her uniform down, First Mate Piggy sidled up to the Commander, her hand placed provocatively on her hip.
   "Oh, *mon cherie*."
   John stopped his pacing and looked at her. She smiled and batted her eyelashes, and motioned for him to come closer. Puzzled by her sudden boldness, Koenig took a step closer, being sure a certain woman doctor was busy with something else.
   "What is it, First Mate Piggy?"
   "Did you know you are a _very_ attractive man, Commander Johnnie....?"
   She was using her best 'sedictive female' voice, and it was having the desired effect - or so she thought. Koenig's eyes grew wide and his mouth opened, but no comment escaped his lips. He couldn't believe a pig was coming on to him, and he shook his head to clear it.
   "Get to the point, please."
   *"Voulez vou couchez avec moi?"*
   Helena Russell's head snapped up and she placed the chart she had been reading on the table with an echoing smack. She understood enough French to know that short, bleached blond sausage casing had just propositioned her man. She was by his side in seconds, enough fire in her eyes to cook a pork roast. First Mate Piggy swallowed hard. She knew a jealous woman when she saw one.
   "Would you care to retract that last question, or should I just punch your lights out, Tubby?"
   "Tubby?! Watch it, Hippo-Hips!"
   Helena's eyes narrowed, and in a fraction of a second, she had hold of First Mate Piggy's golden tresses, while the pig squealed. Quite suddenly, the two were thrown apart, Helena landing gracefully in Koenig's arms and Miss Piggy landing on top of her crew mates, their chairs breaking under her added weight.
   "What was that?!"
   "Who cares?! Let's get out of here!"
   Piggy and Strangepork were never ones to argue their Captain's wisdom at times like this, and they quickly followed as he lead a fearful retreat.
   Helena stood up, smoothed her hair and uniform back into place, and looked at John as he glanced around the room, sighing heavily.
   "Not again, John?"
   "I'm afraid so. The Mysterious Unknown Force stepped in once more. Never let's us have any fun!"
   Helena nodded glumly, then looked at Koenig, their gazes meeting this time. He hadn't answered First Mate Piggy's question. Perhaps they _could_ have some fun after all -- or could at least discuss it over that wine he had mentioned earlier.

   'Back aboard the *Swine Trek*, Captain Link Hogthrob, First Mate Piggy, and Doctor Strangepork quickly readied their ship for liftoff and did just that, planning to be _*very*_ far away from the moon in 1999! The place was inhabited by a bunch of lunatics!!
   'And so ends the first, last and _only_ episode of _Piiiiigs Iiiin Spaaaaace:1999!_'


Amanda Russell
October 18, 1982
Briefly revised - October 24, 1995