There was absolutely no way she was going to sleep this evening. She felt trapped and was wide-awake, despite the long day of unaccustomed labor. John slept soundly by her side, snoring softly. They lay together on a pallet under the command module of the Eagle. An electrical generator droned away near the rear of the Eagle creating an artificial white noise she had come to loathe. If she turned on her side, away from John, she could see a group sitting at a table in a pool of light. They were playing cards, but the noise from the generator drowned out most of their conversation. Others lay sleeping around the campsite, most alone, a few in pairs.
She turned on her back and stared sightlessly up at the underside of the Eagle. Nothing had turned out as they had hoped recently. Not that things had been dramatically tragic, or disastrous, just disappointing, with a finality of facing a routinely disappointing future.
They had been in deep space for ten years, survived more mind-numbing dangers than they had imagined existed. Why, then, did she now feel a sort of anti-climatic depression coming on? They were alive, healthy and had the prospect of a long uneventful future ahead of them. She fought back the tears threatening to well out of her eyes. Knowing that she had a choice of tossing, turning and sniffling until she woke John up; or getting up and doing something to get her mind off of these depressing thoughts, she chose the latter.
She quietly slid out from under their shared blanket, put on her boots and picked up her jacket and backpack. She stood, glanced briefly at the card game that would offer some diversion, and slipped quickly into the darkness away from camp.
The trail she followed had been clearly marked, and she had already followed it once today. Down the hill along a small wash, then switch-backing up another hill, she soon reached her destination. The foliage on this planet was sparse but sturdy. The "trees" were really large succulents that grew rapidly and were extremely resistant to heat or cold; small wonder, given the orbit of the planet they had evolved on. It was amazing that any life could thrive here.
The moon had entered this system nearly six months ago. The star was nothing special, a small G2 that gave off less radiation than Earth's sun. That wasn't a bad thing, fewer flares and sunspots would make external activities on Alpha less hazardous. The planetary system around the star contained three gas giants, all slightly larger than Saturn; an asteroid belt, remains of a planet that had most likely been pulled apart by periodic close encounters with the gas giants and one terrestrial-type planet with an extremely eccentric orbit. This terrestrial planet, dubbed Loki by the Alphans had a 10 year orbital period around the sun. The ellipse of its orbit would take it from a perigee of less than one half of a terran astronomical unit to an apogee of 5 a.u. Summers would last two Terran years and during the day it would be hot enough to boil water. Winter would last longer and reach temperatures cold enough to nearly freeze the atmosphere. Spring and fall would offer almost two and a half years of time when the atmosphere would remain breathable and the temperature bearable. The astrophysics people on Alpha were fascinated that conditions were favorable for life at all. The botanists were amazed that plants had managed to evolve and adapt here, producing chemicals that resembled antifreeze that allowed an extremely long growth cycle.
All had observed the planet with intellectual curiosity and prepared to move on. Then this system gave them their next surprise. The moon went into orbit around the sun. It was, again, very anti-climactic. There were no moonquakes, no dramatic upheavals. Someone in the astrophysics department simply did a routine projection of their course and found it was curving. A long-range projection showed the curve completing an ellipse. The Alphans were stunned. After ten years of wandering, their moon had come to rest in as unspectacular a star system as could be found, and there was nowhere for them to disembark to.
Once they were sure they were staying here the Alphans began to settle in and make plans for the future. They had no choice. The asteroids would be prospected and mined. They began to look at Loki with a more speculative eye. They realized this was going to be home and they might as well get used to it.
John and Helena had renegotiated a long-standing debate.
Long term goals must include children. Comets would have to be mined for ice. Loki and the asteroids searched for needed minerals. Alpha would have to expand and include children, and the sooner the better. The adult Alphans had to have enough time to raise children to adulthood and pass on their knowledge in order for their portion of the human race to continue. The meager contact they'd had with Earth since Breakaway did not paint a glowing picture of survival. The Alphans could very well be the only survivors of the human race.Helena climbed over another rise and through a denser patch of low growing foliage and reached her destination. It had been beautiful during the day. She had not expected it to be breathtaking at night, but it was.
A small creek originated farther up the hill, and tumbled down around and between boulders cracked by temperature changes and scarred by frozen water over the eons. A smooth pond spread out before her, then tumbled over a ledge of rock to another flat space further down the hill. At the ledge, a larger boulder sat tall, splitting the cascade into two. Much of the rock here was metamorphic schist and granite. Flecks of mica encrusted in the rock made reflective surfaces that caught the sunlight, bouncing and bending the light around the small canyon. It had been beautiful that morning.
When Helena had followed Dave Reilley and the rest of his prospecting team through here this morning she had stopped in mid-stream to admire the view. Dave jumped onto the boulder and used his scanner to survey the canyon walls.
"It's beautiful." She had said to Dave.
Without acknowledging her, Dave shook his head. "Useless," he said. "Nothing here we need. Let's go."
The team had left immediately, heading upstream in search of Alpha's list of needed minerals. Helena felt offended and relieved; offended that Reilley hadn't seemed to notice the beauty of the valley; relieved that they had no reason to spoil it.
Now, standing on the boulder, in the starlight and faint moonlight from one of Loki's small moons, she viewed a spectacular sight. The mica in the rock caught and reflected every bit of the dim light the sky offered. The white foam of the water, falling to either side of her, sparkled. The still pond three meters below her reflected the star studded sky, and the "bushes" close by gave off an eerie phosphorescent blue glow, a natural occurrence caused by a photo-fluorescent material present in the plants.
The waterfall at night took on the look of a magical fairyland.
Helena sat, her feet dangling over the edge, and watched the water fall on either side of her. The white noise here was a soothing sound, non-mechanical, with a random arrhythmic nature. She felt at peace for the first time in months.
It had been like winning the war but losing one last battle after cease-fire was declared. John had never had personal objections to having children. They had always kept personal concerns out of their arguments. When the professional arguments were finished he had told her that personally, being a father was not important to him, and he thought they were older than they should be to start having children, but he would be happy to cooperate if she wished to have a child. She wished very much to have a child, and had been delighted when she quickly became pregnant.
Before the end of the first trimester that delight was gone, however. The miscarriage was relatively painless, again anticlimactic. Mathias had examined the fetus -- the baby, and described the little boy as "genetically not viable". He had not committed himself to ascribing the problem to radiation, but admitted it was a possibility. Helena knew quite well that she would not have to be exposed to lethal doses of radiation before it effected her ability to have children, and Alpha's environment had always had risks associated with it.
John had tried to comfort her by reminding her that it truly didn't matter to him whether they had children or not. It would not effect his feelings for her at all. She would have preferred a bit of sorrow for the baby boy who was not meant to be. She didn't even try to express the guilt she felt that not only would her genetic material be lost to future generations, but because of his loyalty to her, John's genetic material would be lost as well.
The sound of the waterfall lulled her into relaxation. She slipped off her backpack and leaned against it. She had resolved nothing, but somehow, she felt less tense, less trapped, here on the edge of the waterfall.
She meant to close her eyes only for a moment and was surprised to wake up in full daylight. The sun had not risen above the rim of the hill and the sparkling effect of the mica was not yet apparent. Then she stood and looked at the cascade of water below her, first a three meter drop to the next pool, then another 10 meters, and another drop, down between the rocks and out of sight. There had been times in the past few months when she might have found the drop a seductive alternative to the despair that had threatened to overwhelm her. Now she simply enjoyed the view.
She was lifting her backpack when she heard the siren. An all-call emergency signal that didn't depend on their individual commlocks had been added to ensure against adverse atmospheric conditions and line-of-sight problems in the rough terrain. Helena leapt off the rock and headed down the path, wondering what the emergency could be, wondering if her medical services would be required and mentally inventorying the equipment available to her.
When she came within sight of the Eagle, she saw Carter perched atop the Eagle scanning with a pair of binoculars. She wondered what he was looking for. As she approached, he swung down, using his commlock to cut the signal. He hurried to meet her.
"Alan? What's the emergency?" She asked as he approached.
John arrived before Alan could answer. His full speed approach lifted her off her feet as she absorbed his momentum. "Are you all right?" he asked frantically.
"I'm fine," she answered, puzzled. "What's the emergency?" She cast around and noticed that Alan had changed course when John had arrived. She spotted Dave Reilly across the camp and heard him encourage his crew to get back to work. It dawned on her that she had been the subject of the emergency, and her friends were arranging for her to have a bit of privacy while John chewed her out. But she was still puzzled. "Why didn't you just call me?"
Without a word, John reached under his jacket and pulled out her commlock.
She took it sheepishly, realizing she deserved to be shouted at and expecting John to pull no punches. To her surprise he said quietly, "I found it next to me when I woke up. Are you ok?" He put his hands on her shoulders and massaged her neck.
"I'm fine. I was having a hard time sleeping and didn't want to wake you." It sounded so silly now, and the further she went with the explanation, the guiltier she felt. "I decided to go for a walk, then I sat down for a minute, and I guess I fell asleep."
By this time she was truly chagrinned and waiting for John to explode in anger. She had broken every rule for landing party duty. "I'm really sorry, John," she finished, sincere, but realizing how ineffective such an apology would be.
The campsite was silent. Even the generator that had so annoyed her last night was shut down during the daylight hours. Other than themselves there were no animals on Loki; no birds or insects, or even many plants to rustle in a stray breeze. John tilted her head so that she looked into his eyes. The worry and pain in his eyes hurt worse than any amount of his infamous shouting. She closed her eyes and he pulled her close, holding her tight.
"I was so worried." The pain was evident in his voice, as it had been in his eyes. "When I found the commlock-I was afraid that-" he paused, unable to continue.
She suddenly realized what he was thinking. He had been afraid she might take her own life! She clung to him, trying to reassure him with the pressure. They held each other wordlessly for a moment, both thankful that the camp was deserted now. She pushed back to meet his eyes again.
"John, I would never--ever," she paused, starting to tell him that suicide would never be her choice, but choosing to tell him the reason instead. "Leave you. I couldn't possibly leave you alone." Her eyes filled with tears not necessarily at the thought of dying as much as the thought of leaving John alone.
He held her close again. Although there was no one in the clearing with them, he spoke softly into her ear. "I didn't think so," he said, hesitantly." But lately, you've been so distant. Nothing I say or do seems to make you feel any better. I hoped a change of scenery, coming here, might help."
Without waiting for a reply he pushed away from her and smiled. Determinedly changing the subject he said, "There's something I want to show you. Did you have any specific plans today?"
"No," she smiled back, more than glad to have escaped his well-deserved anger. "Just to help out. What did you have in mind?"
In response, he lifted his commlock from his belt. He activated it with a click. "Alan, Helena and I are leaving the base site for a couple of hours."
"Roger, John. Check in interval of half an hour." Alan confirmed from inside the Eagle.
John clicked the commlock and winked at Helena. She smiled back, acknowledging that it would have been just that easy to follow procedure last night and keep everyone from worrying. He took her hand and led her away from camp.
The path was familiar to her, and she wasn't surprised when they rounded a curve and the brilliance of the waterfall was before them. The sun was now high enough to reflect off the rock and the sparkling rock reflected tiny rainbows of light. They both stopped to admire the view.
John touched her on the elbow. "Isn't it beautiful? I found it yesterday and could hardly wait to show it to you."
"Yes," she agreed, giving no sign that she had seen it before. "It's just wonderful." She leaned against him. "I'm glad you wanted to share it with me."
He kissed her on the side of the head, then lead her down to the same boulder she had slept on last night. He sat down cross-legged on the boulder, facing her, and smiled. "I've been wanting to bounce some ideas off of you to see what you think."
"Ok," she replied, responding to his infectious smile.
"What would you think of creating a base here on Loki?" He held up his hand before she could respond. "Oh, I know we couldn't man it permanently, but if we built a base that we could use during the spring and fall we could assign everyone duty here, at least in shifts of, say, sixty or so apiece."
He outlined what he had in mind, and she could tell that he was excited by the idea. A permanent base could grow crops and serve as a headquarters for mining operations on Loki. For nearly two and a half years out of every five, everyone could sign up for a tour of duty planet-side. They would have a chance to breathe fresh air, enjoy the sunshine, and avoid the claustrophobic green sickness that Helena dreaded on Alpha. All of Alpha's personnel could have months of planet-side duty during Loki's spring and fall.
When Helena pointed out that this might divert manpower from prospecting and mining the asteroids and expanding Alpha, John countered that those could be priorities during Loki's long summers and winters. She certainly agreed that it would be good for the Alphans to have a chance for a change of scenery. John already had a site in mind for the base. It was to the south and west of their current camp. Some of their preliminary surveys showed a river delta there and he had sent a crew to check out the feasibility of planting earth crops there such as grains and vegetables.
"Of course, orchards of fruit are out of the question here, since the trees would die during the summer or winter, but we might be able to build some greenhouses on the lunar surface, now that we'll have sunlight again." John suggested with enthusiasm.
He took her hands in his. "Helena, I know we had hoped for something better than Loki, but at least here we can make some long-term plans."
Helena nodded, agreeing. "You're right. Before we were always waiting for something different, someplace better. Now we know what we have to work with."
"That's right." John was determined to be optimistic. "And another thing, I don't want us to give up so easily on having a baby."
She looked at him with surprise. She hadn't expected this attitude from John.
"I've been doing some research on the computer, and I've talked to Bob. He says if we monitored things closely, we might have a chance at gene therapy if there's a problem. Or we could try in vitro fertilization, and make sure the zygote is ok before implanting it."
"We don't really have the facilities for that," she objected, still stunned that John had brought up the subject.
"Bob seems to think it can be done," he countered. He reached out and touched her cheek. "It's not like you to give up this easily."
She placed her hand over John's and pressed it against her cheek. "This is different. I'm not sure how often I can bear to have my hopes raised only to be disappointed again."
"We've come through so much together, Helena. Let's not lose hope now, when things are beginning to look up."
He had surprised her again. While she had looked at the worst side of things, he had spent the morning describing how good things could be. His enthusiasm was catching. She felt energized by his optimism.