That Favor You Owe

Helena took a deep breath to calm herself, and hoped some of that calmness would filter through to John. He was never one to panic, but if he felt her resolve to stay calm, it might help him.

Within minutes Helena knew the major problem had become critical. She could feel John's fear and dread and helplessness escalate. He was all right, he wasn't in danger but... No! Emma! Alan!

Helena stood and began to pace. She needed to know what was going on. She was becoming frantic with the emotional feedback she was getting from John.

"NO!"

Grief and pain and anger hit Helena so hard she had to sit down. She'd never felt these emotions so intensely from John before. She wanted to help him, she wanted to be out there with him, and knowing yet not knowing the situation was adding to her frantic state of mind.

"John..."

Helena wrapped her arms about herself as she hugged a pillow to her middle. Her eyes were closed and tears stood in the corners of them. Desolation and despair filled her, as it filled John. He couldn't keep this from her, or even dilute it or cushion it. She was feeling the full force of what he was feeling; intense and overwhelming.

Helena heard the door chime and it took her a minute to respond. She didn't know who was bringing her the details, but she knew it would explain all of John's emotions.

"Come in."

The door slid open as Helena stood and turned to face it. Bill Fraser stood just inside the doorway. He met her gaze, slightly startled to see her so upset, as if she somehow already knew something terrible had happened.

"Helena..."

"What happened, Bill?"

"I just talked with John. He asked me to tell you..."

Fraser swallowed hard and moved further into the room. Helena gripped the pillow to her even more tightly.

"Emma... Alan..."

"The... miner they were shaking down developed some problems, the shield generators... The... ship exploded... before they could... John said it happened so quickly Emma and Alan never knew what hit them."

"No..."

Helena sank back to the couch, tears flowing freely. Bill joined her and sat beside her, unsure of how to comfort her. He reached out and put a hand on her arm.

"Helena, I..."

She just nodded, looking off into the distance. Helena sensed John's grief, knew his anger at being unable to save their daughter and son-in-law, and was overcome by the intensity of their combined emotions.

"John..."

"He's on his way home, Helena."

Again she nodded, then curled into a ball on the couch and began to sob. She could feel John doing the same thing; their grief feeding off and enhancing each other's.

Uneasy about intruding on Helena's grief, but not wanting to leave her alone just yet, Fraser stood and quietly walked over to the comm station on the other side of the room. Helena needed someone with her until John returned. He was not that someone.

Helena felt gentle hands squeeze her shoulders. She looked up and met Kate Goldburg's tear-stained face, then she was in Kate's arms, sobbing anew. Kate held her friend, and comforted her until she calmed a bit. Helena swallowed hard.

"Kate?"

"Bill called me."

"God, Kate, Emma... my baby... The twins, Preston!"

"I checked them when I came in - all sound asleep."

"How can I tell them, make them understand..."

"We'll find a way."

"What time is it?"

"Early morning, about 2am. I talked with Main Mission - John's ETA is late tomorrow afternoon."

Helena nodded, she could feel John's exhaustion, mirroring her own. She released a shuddering sigh, tears threatening again, and wiped at her tear-stained face. She sat up.

"I have to go check on them."

Helena stood, heading toward her grandsons' room. They were still sound asleep. Helena stood in the doorway, watching them, wondering how she could ever tell them, make them understand. Moving silently into the room, Helena touched the soft, silky hair of Denys, then Daniel. They were so young - just past their second birthday. She kissed each twin on the head, then looked at Preston. He was sprawled on his back, spread eagle, muttering, in the midst of a dream. The tears returned and Helena allowed them to flow freely.

"Helena."

She was sitting on the couch again, and glanced up at the sound of Kate's voice. She accepted the warm mug of tea Kate handed her and took a small sip.

"The boys... Alex, Richard."

Kate squeezed her hand gently.

"They know. Bill told Alex and Dinah, Alex told Richard and Suzi."

Helena nodded and sipped her tea again. She was exhausted, but knew she couldn't sleep. The boys would be awake soon and they would need her. She was also feeling John's frustration and grief, his desire to be with her and his inability to relax and sleep, just as she was sure he was feeling the same things from her, as well as her worry and grief for their grandsons.

"I... I should have told them."

"No. You have to find some way to make those three little boys who are asleep in the other room understand what has happened. That's more than anyone should have to do. Your sons are old enough to understand that, and to accept that your have to be there for Emma's sons now."

Helena was silent. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, wishing all the more that John was there with her.

Preston Carter stared at his grandmother and pulled his hands out of her grasp. He watched as she wrapped her arms around his little brothers while they squirmed on her lap. He shook his head.

"No. It's not true. You shouldn't lie, Gramma, it's bad to lie. Mom and Dad will be upset with you when they come back, cause they said it's bad to lie. Dad promised they'd come back. He said they'd be here for my game next week."

"Preston..."

"You'll see! You're wrong! They'll be back! They promised.... they promised."

Not wanting to be seen crying, Preston backed away from his grandmother when she reached out for him. He turned and ran into his room, closing the door behind him.

The twins were struggling to get down and Helena released them. They were too young to understand. Helena sat back and released a sob.

"I should..."

Richard, sitting beside his mother on the couch, pressed her hand and shook his head.

"Give him a little time, Mom. Then I'll talk to him."

"All right."

"Mom, you should try to get some rest."

Helena was silent. She could sense John's desire that she do exactly what Richard was advising, but she couldn't. Not now, not yet.

John Koenig sat in the passenger section of the Eagle, watching the monitor. They were only hours away from Alpha now, but it could still be days. He could feel Helena's exhaustion, and knew she needed to be with him as soon as possible. He closed his eyes and reached out to her, hoping he could somehow comfort her. He didn't understand this empathic connection they had developed between them, but accepted it, and was grateful for it. Even though the feedback from one another was almost overwhelming, he knew they both drew strength from being so aware of the other.

Alex and Richard Koenig met their father as he stepped off the Eagle, passed through decontamination, and re-entered Alpha. They exchanged hugs, holding each other tightly for several moments. When they parted, John met his sons' gazes and blinked back tears.

"They... died doing what they loved, they died together. There was nothing we - or they - could do."

"Em wouldn't have wanted it otherwise."

John squeezed Alex's shoulder and nodded.

"How's your mother?"

He knew the answer, but had to ask anyway. Richard sighed and shook his head in frustration.

"Exhausted, stubborn... quiet. I've tried to get her to let us take the twins, but she refuses. Kate has been with her since just after Bill told her. Talk to her, Dad, she'll listen to you - sometimes. She needs to rest."

John met Richard's gaze, unable to hide a rueful smile despite the circumstances. He placed a hand on his son's shoulder.

"Your mother has never taken well to being looked after or given medical advice."

"Tell me..."

Richard shook his head in exasperation.

"Is she at... with the boys?"

"Yes. She refuses to leave them with anyone else, even Alex or I."

"They're her link to Emma."

The two younger Koenig men nodded their understanding. But their worry for Helena was still very evident.

"Dad, see if you can get her to... well, at least to rest. Even if she won't leave the boys for long, she at least needs a break."

"I'll try, Alex."

"Do your best, Dad. I'd hate to have to place her under medical restrictions..."

Richard let his voice trail off, knowing how hollow that threat was. All three knew how successful any attempt to place Helena under medical restrictions would be. Helena would simply ignore any order she did not like, whether it came from her husband - the base commander, or her son, Alpha's head of Medical Services.

Koenig could feel his wife's anxiety and need to be with him grow, now that he was so close, just as he was sure Helena could feel the same needs coming from him. He excused himself, assuring his sons he would somehow get Helena to rest, then hurried toward the quarters Emma and Alan shared - had shared - with their children.

John stepped into the main room and wrapped his arms around Helena as she met him at the door. Their mutual grief and sorrow washed over one another so they were both in tears before either one said a thing. They didn't need to say anything. Each knew exactly what the other was feeling, because they were feeling it as well. Kate quietly moved into the kitchen, busying herself with making some tea, even though she knew very well no one would be drinking it. It was something to do and a discreet way of giving her best friend the privacy she needed with her husband.

Finally Helena took a deep breath and pulled back to meet John's eyes. She raised a hand to caress his cheek.

"You okay?"

"No, not really. You?"

Helena shook her head, and lowered it to rest on John's chest. He swallowed down a lump in his throat and buried his face in Helena's hair.

Moments later he heard the voices of his twin grandsons, raised in excitement upon seeing him. Denys and Daniel ran toward him, laughing and calling to him.

"Gampa, Gampa! Go fly!"

They hugged John about his knees, happy to see him. He looked at Helena, who shook her head.

"They're too young to really understand."

Koenig released his wife and bent down to gather a child into each arm. He smiled and laughed, even though it hurt inside to do so. Now he understood the anguish he'd been feeling from Helena for two days, and welcomed her strength as she helped him cope with it. He met Helena's gaze as she leaned her head against John, arms enveloping them all in a hug.

"Grandpa...?"

Preston stood in the doorway to his bedroom, the hope in his eyes fading quickly when he saw John's expression. John put the twins down and they tumbled off to play with their toys. Preston took a hesitant step further into the main room.

"Grandpa? Where are..."

Tears began to stream down his cheeks when he realized Helena, all the adults, had told him the truth.

"Gramma..."

Helena left John's side and moved over to Preston. She knelt down and took his hands. He met her eyes. Slowly he shook his head.

"You... you told the truth..."

"Preston, I'm sorry. You know I wouldn't lie to you, and not about this."

He nodded, wiping at his cheeks, then looked at John, who knelt beside Helena. John reached for his grandson's hand as well.

"Grandpa, Momma and Daddy..."

"They... aren't coming home, Preston."

The eight-year-old stared at his grandfather, then stepped back.

"No! They promised! Daddy promised! You should have helped them! You're the Commander! You should have helped them! I hate you, Grandpa! I hate you!"

Before either John or Helena could react, Preston dashed past them and out of the quarters. John sank to the floor, sobbing, head held in his hands. Helena knelt beside him and gathered John into her arms. Together they grieved for their daughter and their friend.

Preston Carter didn't run far. When he came to the lounge area of the travel tube stop near his quarters, he ran to the far corner, hid behind a chair and cried. He knew he shouldn't have said those things to his grandfather, just as he had known his grandmother was telling the truth when she told him his mom and dad had been killed in an accident. He didn't understand, he didn't know what to do. His world was all confused, and those people who had always been there for him, who were always so adult were crying and sad just like he was. Nothing made sense any more. So he just curled into a ball and cried.

Maya stepped off the travel tube hoping that, now John was back on base, Helena would let her watch the children for awhile. The door slid shut behind her and Maya was almost out of the lounge area when she heard the distinct sound of a child sobbing. She paused to listen a moment, then stepped over to the far corner of the room. She saw the small form huddled behind a chair, and knew immediately who it was.

"Preston?"

The sobbing abruptly ceased, and the child wiped his face, trying to erase all signs of his tears. Maya smiled to herself at the vanity of the human male - even this young.

"Preston, why are you hiding back there?"

He shrugged and tried not to meet her gaze. She smiled gently and held her hand out to the child.

"Will you come sit with me?"

He hesitated a moment, then slowly uncurled, stood and came to stand beside Maya. She sat on the nearby couch and Preston sat beside her, looking down at his hands.

"Would you mind if I gave you a hug, Preston?"

He shook his head and allowed Maya to put her arm around him. She leaned close to hug him and suddenly found herself with the boy's arms wrapped around her neck as he started to cry again. Gently she eased him onto her lap and began to rock him.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I... I was horrible to Grandpa. And to Gramma."

"How were you horrible?"

"I told Gramma she lied - about Momma and Daddy. And I yelled at Grandpa. I said I hate him. I don't! I don't hate him! I was horrible to them and that's why Momma and Daddy aren't coming back!"

Maya gasped and eased Preston back to meet his red-rimmed eyes. She kissed him on the forehead as she smoothed his hair back from his eyes.

"No, Preston, you had absolutely *nothing* to do with the accident that killed your parents."

"But... I told... Grandpa... he should have... have helped them. He's the Commander! He should have!"

"He tried, Preston, he tried everything he could, but some things even the Commander can't fix."

"Like the broken miner?"

"Yes, like the miner. Your grandparents are feeling very sad about your Mom and Dad too. They love them - just like you do."

"I... I know."

"Preston, I have a feeling your Grandpa would have done anything to help your Mom and Dad. But some things just can't be stopped. They're accidents - and that's what happened to your Mom and Dad - an accident. It wasn't anyone's fault, they didn't want it to happen. More than anything your Mom and Dad wanted to come back here and see your game next week, see you grow up and have children of your own, but...they couldn't. Because it was an accident."

"But, I was so bad to..."

Preston sobbed and Maya held him close. She sensed movement across the lounge and her gaze flickered to the doorway, then back to the small boy in her arms.

"Your grandparents love you very much, Preston. They understand why you said what you did. They know you didn't mean it. They won't be angry and they won't stop loving you."

"How do you know?"

Maya took a deep breath and met Preston's Carter's curious gaze.

"Because, a long, long time ago, my father died in an accident too. I was feeling very much the way you are now, and for awhile, I thought it was all your grandfather's fault, even though deep inside I knew it wasn't. I said some really terrible and hurtful things to him, but he understood, and he helped me, and he came to be my friend. So did your grandmother."

"But I said I hated Grandpa! And I said Gramma lied!"

"They know you didn't mean what you said, and they will forgive you, just as they did me, because they love you."

"They weren't mad at you for all the bad things you said?"

"No, they weren't mad at me. We hadn't known one another very long, and in spite of what I said, they became my friends. Your grandparents have known you all your life, Preston, since before you were born. They love you, and when you love someone, you can forgive them most anything."

"Even saying things I didn't mean?"

"Even that."

Preston sniffled and looked down, then his head snapped up when he felt a large, firm hand touch his shoulder, cradle the back of his head.

"Preston."

"Grandpa! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

The boy was off Maya's lap an into his grandfather's arms in an instant, crying and apologizing at the same time. John wrapped his arms around the little boy, and held him close, one hand going out to take Maya's hand as he gave her a grateful smile. She nodded in return.

"I want my Mom and Dad to be okay and come home."

"So do I, Preston, so do I, but... we have to understand that no matter how hard we want it and wish for it, that's just not going to happen. It's terrible, but we can't change it. So we have to be strong for each other and always be there for each other. And that means I'm going to need your help."

"How?"

"You and I are the men of the family now, and we're going to have to help your Gramma with Denys and Daniel as much as we can. Think you're up to it?"

"Is that... is that what Momma and Daddy want me to do?"

John swallowed, remembering Alan's last request. He slowly nodded.

"Yes, I think they do."

Preston pulled back and looked into his grandfather's eyes. It scared him to see his Grandpa cry, but he also felt safe when Grandpa held him. Slowly he nodded.

"I'll help... Grandpa, I don't hate you."

"I know, Pal... I know. I love you, Preston."

John hugged his grandson, then turned and headed out of the lounge. He gave Maya another grateful smile just before he stepped into the hallway.

The Koenig family gathered in the Carter apartment following the memorial service for Emma and Alan. The event had been very well attended, with some coming in from C-2 specifically for the service, wishing to express their gratitude for what the Carters had done in order to prevent the destruction on the mining outpost. Those who were on duty or who could not attend, monitored the service over the Alphan comm net. Helena was grateful to have one of the twins in her arms at all times, and John at her side. John held the other twin, and Preston stayed close to his grandfather.

Alone in the quarters now, with just the family members, the children were sent off to play so the adults could talk. Alex and Richard, worried about their parents, but especially about their mother, glanced at each other. They were ready to present a unified front concerning a subject on which they anticipated resistance.

"Mom, Dad, this may seem abrupt, but it is something we must talk about. Suzi and I would like the twins to come live with us. Alex and Di have agreed to take Preston."

Helena was about to protest when she felt a firm determination from John wash over them both. She glanced at her husband and reached for his hand, knowing and agreeing with what he was about to say even though they had not had a chance to discuss it.

"No. The boys will be staying with your mother and I."

"Dad, think about this. You have already raised your children, you shouldn't have to raise your grandchildren as well."

"No, Alex, we shouldn't have to, but we are going to do it anyway. We welcome any assistance you may care to give us, but the boys stay with us."

"Dad, we understand the boys need to be together, need to be with each other now. We can arrange the schedules so..."

John nailed his youngest son with a look that let Richard know there was nothing he could to change his father's mind. He might be CMO of the base, but John was still commander, and patriarch of the family. He didn't want to resort to that line of order, but would if he had to. Richard studied his father a moment, glanced at his mother, then relented.

"Why?"

John looked at Helena and held her hand tightly, then looked at his sons.

John's tone was gentle but firm, putting an end to any further argument. He looked at Helena again, who leaned into his embrace. She had a pretty good idea of what that favor had been, and John was right. It was time to repay it.

That night, with the children safely tucked in and sound asleep, Helena curled up next to John on the couch. Neither was quite ready to sleep in the bed Emma and Alan had slept in, had loved in, so the couch would do until their own bed, along with their personal belongings, could be moved from their quarters. They would be moving into the Carter quarters in order to give the boys as much stability as possible, at least for now. A move to other family quarters wasn't out of the question in the future, but for now, they would stay in the home the boys had always known.

Helena laced her fingers together with John's and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret wash over him. She sensed something else, something John had been holding back since... since they realized the trouble with the miner couldn't be fixed. Helena knew her daughter - and Alan - well enough to have a good idea what it was. And it was something John should not have to keep from her. He needed to share it so they could both begin to heal.

"John, they knew what was going to happen - Emma and Alan - didn't they?"

Koenig met his wife's gaze, knowing he couldn't lie to her, in spite of what Emma had asked him to do. Slowly, tears coming to his eyes, John nodded.

"Yes... They tried to get out of the command module, but couldn't - the hatch was frozen. Emma and Alan both knew the only way to keep the module from colliding with C-2... was to destroy it before it got too close... The last thing Emma said was to tell you and the boys... it happened so fast they never knew what hit them... Then they held each other, kissed, and..."

John was unable to continue, but Helena knew. She had known at the moment it happened, when John watched his only daughter die, and Helena knew now, when he could not finish his account of Emma's last moments.

Helena's tears mingled with John's as she held him close.

"And that's what we will tell the boys. We can honor Emma's last request that much... They died in each other's arms?"

John just nodded, meeting his wife's eyes. Slowly, Helena smiled.

"I envy her that. When my time comes..."

John nodded, knowing just what Helena meant. He too wanted to die in her arms, her face the last thing he ever saw.

"Me too..."

He kissed Helena lightly, then sighed. He was uncertain he had the energy or patience needed to raise three children - again, but he did owe it to Alan. Helena saw the doubt in his eyes, felt his uncertainty, and slowly smiled.

"We did it once, John, we can do it again. And we know more about raising children now than we did before. It is time we repaid that favor Alan did us."

John didn't ask how Helena knew what the favor was. It was enough that she knew, or even suspected, and understood. John nodded and held his wife close. They would be able to do this -- together.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Amanda Russell

March 13, 1999