By Amanda Russell
January 3 - February 11, 1999
To: H.S. Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/04/99 14:37 CST
Dear Helena, I've been sitting here for half an hour, trying to figure
out what to say, how to... make things better between us. I know we agreed to
slow down and spend some time just being friends, but... I don't know if I can
do that for very long. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about
you. The thought of not having you in my life, or of losing what we have
shared and becoming 'just friends' makes my heart pound with panic and dread
and makes me short of breath. You are more than the one I want, you're the one
I need...
I told you the truth concerning Celeste. We are just friends. I still
think about her every now and again, but not like I think about you, which is
all the time. I don't want to be with her, and I don't want to lose what we
have - or may still have, because of her. Celeste is my past; my future is
with you and I want that more than I have ever wanted anything else in my
life, including my career. I hope, with time, we can go back to being more
than 'just friends'. - John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/06/99 13:32 GMT
Dear John -- I... understand about Celeste. We both have histories with
other people and those histories will always be a part of us, no matter how
much we wish it were different. I don't want to lose what we have already
shared, or what is still to come because of that past. I need you as well. My
future is with you, and I want more than anything to be your friend, and your
lover. I miss you. - Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/08/99 09:04 CST
Dear Helena, I'm relieved to know we both want the same thing from this
relationship. When I think of the future, try to envision it, all I can see is
you, us, together. I can't see where we are, what our careers have brought us,
but I can see us.
You're right - the past will always be with us. We can't get rid of it,
we can't ignore or forget it, but we can put it to rest. It is time I did so
with Celeste by telling you about her. As I told you, I literally ran into on
the beach. We spent the afternoon talking. Later that day I discovered she
knew Victor - quite well in fact. She was more Victor's friend than mine. I'd
be lying if I said I had never thought about she and I being more than
friends, but it never happened. I don't think I ever had a chance, really. She
never saw me as anything more than a colleague working on different aspects of
the Meta Probe, and Victor's friend. I met her after I met you, after... after
I fell in love with you, and no matter what kind of fantasies I may have had
about her, or what I may have said when I was drunk, I would never - could
never - let another woman come between us. I need you in my life, Helena. I
always will. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/08/99 12:46 GMT
>... after I fell in love with you,
You're in love with me? - Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/09/99 06:37 CST
Dear Helena... Yes, I'm in love with you. I hadn't planned to tell you
this way, in an e-mail, or to wait until now to tell you. Telling someone
you're in love with them should be done in person, face to face, but... things
haven't been working out the way I planned lately. I do love you. - John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/10/99 08:23 GMT
No matter how you told me, I'm glad you did. When had you planned to tell
me? - Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/10/99 21:16 CST
I thought about telling you the whole time we were together at Christmas
and New Year's. I thought really hard about it... after dinner with your
folks, during and after our fight, but decided that... it might just look like
I was trying to get out of a tight situation and was afraid you'd think I
really didn't mean it; that I was telling you what you wanted to hear to
distract you and keep you from being so angry with me. I never want you to
doubt how I feel about you, Helena. I never want you to wonder if I love you.
I do. I have from our first date and I always will. I am sorry I hurt you in
any way. That's the last thing I ever want to do. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/11/99 12:59 GMT
I wish I could see you right now, wish I could be in your arms and let
you know that I'm in love with you too... I hope you can forgive me for being
so angry about the Celeste thing... Being called someone else's name is never
flattering, and very... hurtful when it happens in the middle of sex... It
happened to me once before, but that time... it was more than just fantasies
on his part. It hurt for a long, long time and I'm still sensitive about it,
more than I thought I was, I guess. I am sorry, John. I do love you. I do
trust you. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/11/99 23:45 CST
The man was a jerk, Helena. I hope you dumped his ass so fast he didn't
know what hit him. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/12/99 13:27 GMT
Yes, I did, but he knew what hit him, I made sure of that. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/12/99 14:35 CST
Good for you. Anyone who would deliberately deceive you or put you in a
situation that would hurt you doesn't deserve to have a woman like you in his
life. I will try my very best to never do that to you, and if I do... dump my
ass fast. I'll know what hit me - and why. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/14/99 14:16 GMT
And I will try to never hurt you either, with the same ass dumping
stipulations... So much for taking things slower and being friends for awhile,
huh? :) - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/14/99 22:01 CST
Yea... As I said, things haven't been going exactly the way I planned
lately, they're better! Now that we know we're more than friends, when can we
see each other again? I have a feeling we'd both like to apologize to each
other and show each other just how much in love we are, and that's
_definitely_ best done in person. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/16/99 12:43 GMT
I do want to see you again, soon, but when is going to be a problem. I've
checked my schedule and I don't have a free weekend until late February. I'm
either on duty or on call, and I have research deadlines that are coming up
faster than I like to think about. Next weekend (23/24 January) I have to
attend a conference in Berlin, and two weekends later (6/7 February) I have to
be in Prague for some hob-nobbing with those who have input re: the next CMO
on Alpha. I have to be there, but I'd rather be with you. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/17/99 16:29 CST
And I'd rather you be with me than in Berlin or Prague, but you have to
go, especially to Prague. Playing at political butt kissing is a royal pain in
the well, ass, but is also a vital part of working for the Space Commission if
you expect to get anywhere. You've earned that CMO position on Alpha, now you
just have to convince them to give it to you. If we can't see each other until
the end of next month, it will just make the time we are together all the more
precious. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/18/99 14:47 GMT
Thank you for understanding, John. I don't like being away from you for
so long. I know if I get the Alpha assignment, it will be a long time between
visits, but that doesn't mean I have to get used to it or like it now. - Love,
Helena
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/20/99 14:09 GMT
John, are you okay? I'm off to Berlin in two days. I'll try to call you
before I leave. - Love, Helena
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/22/99 11:53 GMT
I leave for Berlin in a few minutes, John. I'll be back in London on the
25th and at my flat by 10 PM London time. Call if you can. I miss you, I'm
worried because I haven't heard from you. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/23/99 19:57 CST
Sorry for the delay between messages. I was 'sequestered' with new
developments for the Meta Probe - that I of course can't talk about. I don't
quite understand all the secrecy and last minute meetings they've been
throwing at us. The whole planet knows about the project, but if I don't
question it and keep a low profile, I have a shot at more input re: the probe
and can 'makes waves' on something that's worth it. That could mean more than
a couple of trips to the moon as the project moves closer to launch. I could
be making semi-regular trips up there in a couple of months. If you're there
as CMO... have you ever thought about making love in Zero-G? How's Berlin? -
Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/25/99 09:24
Berlin is cold and grey and depressing and I want you beside me in that
big hotel bed. As for your question re: Zero-G... no, but I'm willing to
consider it. Damn! I hate our not being together! - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/25/99 21:19 CST
So do I. There are still ways for us to be together, even though we're
not on the same continent. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/26/99 13:07 GMT
Oh? Tell me about them. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/27/99 18:25 CST
Imagine us in a room lit only by candlelight. Soft music plays in the
background as we dance slowly about the room in bare feet. We hold each other
close. I bend down to kiss you, long and sensuously. Your mouth opens under
mine and our tongues meet, explore each other's mouths. You taste of the wine
we've shared and your arms come about my waist slowly, deliberately pulling my
shirt from my trousers...
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date: Time: 01/28/99 12:44 GMT
I feel you respond to my nearness as one hand reaches to caress my
breast. My nipple hardens under your delicate touch and I sigh with pleasure.
Your other hand slowly eases the zipper of my dress down. You slip the dress
from my shoulders and step back just enough so you can watch the dress fall
into a pool at my feet. You lift me gently by the waist, never breaking the
rhythm of our dance, and move me a foot to the left so the dress won't get
tangled in our feet...
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/28/99 22:51 CST
Under your dress you're wearing an emerald green teddy. It shimmers in
the candle light, highlighting your eyes. Our gazes lock and you smile as you
guide my hand back to your breast, then unbutton my shirt and slide it from my
shoulders. It joins your dress on the floor and I move it away from our feet.
Your hands move to my trousers, unbuckle the belt and unzip my fly. The
trousers also fall to the floor and I step out of them. You take a step
backward, just far enough so your breasts gently brush against my chest
through the material of the teddy...
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/29/99 23:46 GMT
You smile, breathing deeply as I slowly go down on my knees, lowering
your shorts with my hands. I caress your thighs, your buttocks, your balls,
kissing your belly. You moan with pleasure and I stroke you to hardness.
You're ready for me. I circle your penis with my fingers and slowly caress it,
each touch more delicate than the last...
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/30/99 00:12 CST
I reach down and pull you back to your feet, kissing you deeply, and
guide you over to the couch. You reach up and lower one shoulder strap of your
teddy, then the other. Slowly the material glides down your skin, over your
chest, revealing your breasts, belly and hips, falling to the floor. Our gazes
lock again and you reach out to take my hand, pulling me down to the couch
with you. Slowly you stretch out on your back, legs parted slightly, as you
guide my hand to the moist warm flesh between your thighs. I move over you,
kneeling between your legs as they open further. I bend down to kiss your
breasts as I slowly bring you to readiness. Your nipples are hard, and grow
harder, more pointed as I touch them with my tongue, nip gently with my
teeth...
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/31/99 22:17 GMT
I moan with pleasure and arch my hips toward you, my need mounting. You
kiss my breasts as I again reach for your penis and circle it with my fingers,
lightly caressing your balls. You slip two fingers inside me and I moan loudly
with pleasure and need, urging you closer. Our eyes meet, our mutual need
understood. You slowly remove your fingers, then ease down until the tip of
your penis touches my vaginal lips. You move the head of your shaft slowly up
and down my slit, lubricating it, and then ever so slowly press forward. I cry
out as the tip penetrates, stretching the muscles taught around your
thickness. With excruciating, deliberate slowness you push into me more
deeply, keeping a steady pace no matter how I urge you to hurry. I bring my
legs up to wrap around your hips, locking my ankles together, trying to bring
you all the way in. The sensations are nearly overwhelming...
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 01/30/99 23:51 CST
I ease into you slowly, carefully, deeply, caressing your breasts,
kissing your neck. I feel my balls tickled by your pubic hair, and I cease all
movement, savoring the feel of you stretched tight around me, of me being deep
inside you. You moan, your breath coming more quickly. I begin to move inside
you again, in and out, gradually thrusting in deeper still. Your legs tighten
around me ever as your muscles constrict, making your passage even more tight.
Your hands reach out to me, caressing my arms, my chest, and you raise your
head, our mouths coming together in hungry kisses. I keep moving within you,
bringing our passion close to release. Ripples of pleasure begin to course
through you. I move more quickly now, still thrusting deeply. I feel your
climax begin and your cries of passion mingle with our heavy breathing. Your
body explodes with its orgasm, and seconds later I follow, releasing my fluid
into you with long deep thrusts that leave me gasping for breath and you
climaxing again. Your eyes open and you smile at me as I lay down, still
inside you, your legs still wrapped around my waist. You caress my back, my
side, and I slowly ease out of you. Slowly you lower your legs, our mouths
meeting in a long and tender kiss...
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 01/31/99 20:37 GMT
Oh, God, John... I just re-read that exchange... it makes me want to be
with you all the more. I had to stop checking my e-mail - at least the
messages from you - until I was off duty for the day. Otherwise I was too
distracted to concentrate. I love you. - Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/01/99 09:07 CST
I'm glad to know I'm so distracting. So are you. I want to be with you
too. Somehow we'll figure this out. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/01/99 15:57 GMT
My schedule has been changed. I no longer have to be in Prague this
weekend. Can we work something out? - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/02/99 06:39 CST
I'll sure as hell try. Until then, I'll keep thinking about us together,
somewhere romantic and quiet. We'll be dancing, talking, making love, and just
being with each other. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/02/99 13:16 GMT
I like those thoughts. When we do see each other, I'll help make them
come true. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/03/99 08:04 CST
This weekend isn't going to work for me, Helena. I have to do a press
conference re: the Meta Probe on Friday afternoon, a fund raising dinner
Friday evening, and conduct a tour of the Probe mock-up on Saturday for those
who are generous contributors on Friday night. One of the Commissioners was
supposed to do this, but decided at the last minute it would be better coming
from someone with hands-on experience. I'd rather have you alone in the mock-
up, making love to you, but... believe me, I'll be thinking about it... I love
you. Can you distract me now? - John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/03/99 23:29 GMT
Oh, you're wicked.... It's late at night. Rain is falling outside.
You're sleeping as I enter the room. I walk slowly over to the bed and gaze
down at you as you sleep on your back. You must be dreaming of me because
you're already partially hard, and I smile. I move the covers aside and reach
down to stroke you gently. You respond to my touch, growing hard, more stiff,
and a smile comes to your face. I quickly disrobe and join you in bed,
straddling your hips with my legs, kneeling over you to place kisses on your
chest, tease your nipples with my tongue, first one, then the other. I slowly
caress your belly.
Your eyes open and meet mine. We exchange knowing smiles and you raise
your hands to caress my breasts, return the teasing caresses I am giving
yours. You stroke my sides, gently grasping my hips to bring me closer to you.
I shake my head, I'm not quite ready. You reach between my parted thighs to
gently caress me, stimulate me to readiness. I gasp at your touch, feel myself
grow wet and eager.
I grasp your penis with my fingers and hold it steady as I lower myself
on to you. We both moan with pleasure. I smile at you and begin to move. You
grasp my hips, guiding me, helping to control my movements as I begin to ride
you, slowly at first, then more quickly. You return one hand to my mound and
caress me gently, your motions matching those of my hips. I feel my climax
begin and I moan, arching my back, pushing myself down on you. You begin to
rub me more vigorously, encouraging my orgasm to lengthen and strengthen until
I cry out in overwhelming pleasure.
Breathing deeply I begin to slow my movements. You smile, then push me
over onto the mattress and roll on top of me. I spread my legs even wider,
allowing you to penetrate me more deeply. Your thrusting increases in depth
and I reach to caress your balls, urging you to release. Your hand is still
between us and you continue to stimulate me. You grunt moments before you
start to come just as I climax again, screaming out your name. You push into
me as deeply as you can, your orgasm long and powerful. As the sensations
begin to subside, you open your eyes, and slowly smile, then stretch out and
pillow your head on my breast as I hold you tightly inside me.
Together our breathing begins to slow and you raise up, our gazes
meeting. We exchange tender kisses and you slowly withdraw from me. We curl
together, I pull the covers over both of us and we fall asleep in each other's
arms, listening to each other's heart beat and the rain falling outside.
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/03/99 22:57 CST
Mmmmm, that was wonderful. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/04/99 12:48 GMT
Not as wonderful as actually making love with you, but it will have to
do - for now. I'll call you Saturday night after the tour is over. - Love,
Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/05/99 07:12 CST
I agree, but I wish we didn't have to make do. Still, it is better than
not being able to share any of this with you. I plan to be home no later than
7 PM my time tomorrow night. I can't wait to hear your voice. - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/06/99 12:52 GMT
I'm anxious to talk with you later today. Hearing your voice, even
though it is long distance, is very comforting, very intoxicating, very...
arousing... I saw bits of the press conference on the news this morning, and
some stock footage of the probe mock-up. I kept thinking about what you said -
about us being alone in the mock-up, making love... Tonight can't arrive fast
enough. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/07/99 12:05 CST
Helena, I am so sorry all you got was my voice mail when you phoned last
night. They called a meeting to discuss the funding after the tour yesterday
and it dragged on forever. I had to stay until it was over, even though I have
no idea what was discussed during the last three hours of it. All I could
think about was you, that I was missing your call, and missing you even more.
- Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/08/99 14:09 GMT
I did wonder when you didn't answer and then didn't return my call. I saw
more clips of the press conference this weekend, and logged onto the web site.
Damn you're sexy, even when you're talking shop. Sorry to hear the meeting was
interminable. Did you at least fantasize about us? - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/08/99 21:58 CST
I wanted to fantasize about us, but really couldn't, as I was expected
to participate in the meeting to some degree. The worst part was that it was
all fund raising strategies for the Meta Probe - like I know anything about
fund raising. I'm an astronaut, I know space and I know space ships. The damn
probe is due to launch at the end of this year and they're still quibbling
about funding. Politicians... - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/09/99 13:19 GMT
The joys of politics, John. You've warned me about them yourself. Have
you forgotten? At least they are still willing to fund the probe mission.
Things are beginning to slow down for me a little here. My patient load has
lightened up and I've not been assigned any new research projects to replace
the ones I finished up last week. I'm getting a little nervous too. The
decision re: CMO of Alpha is due to be made soon, this week in fact, and the
waiting is agony. I hope they don't take too long to select someone - even if
it isn't me. I just want to know. - Love, Helena
To: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
From: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
Date/Time: 02/10/99 11:17 CST
I know - hurry up and wait. Think positively, Helena. You and I both
know you've earned that posting as Alpha CMO. You're better qualified for it
than anyone else. Just keep thinking about going to the moon, and our
rendezvous in Zero-G... Have you had a chance to target some dates for our
next weekend together? - Love, John
To: J.Koenig57@orbit.com
From: H.S.Russell@netmail.net
Date/Time: 02/11/99 15:05 GMT
I have been thinking about that rendezvous in Zero-G, and I'm not sure
my imagination is quite up to it... However, I think I can arrange some time
off to come see you weekend after next (18-22 February), John. Does that fit
with your schedule? Let me know ASAP so I can finalize things. - Love, Helena
* * * * *
* * * * *
Amanda Russell
January 28, 2000