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<TITLE>UNACKNOWLEDGED GRIEF</TITLE>

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<CENTER>Unacknowledged

Grief </CENTER>

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by Mônica Correia

She had never felt so happy

and complete in her entire life. She never thought possible she would ever

be so deeply in love as she was with John Robert Koenig.  And now

she was bearing his child - something she has been desiring for a long,

long time. She knew Koenig believed them older than they should be to become

parents. But, she also knew he would gladly cooperate in this 'project'

just because it was so important for her. He loved her that much.

Besides, they had a new world and a  new life to pass on Alpha's

children; now that they had found "Loki" .

John Koenig had never seen the woman he loved so happy. From the moment

they had decided to begin trying to  conceive a child until they had

actually succeeded, Helena had been in a state of overjoyed anticipation

that could almost make her glow. It was funny to see her trying to mask,

under some objectivity, the same expectation a little girl  would

display thinking about Christmas presents. He couldn't help but

smile every time he thought about it - about her happiness. He had never

thought possible he would ever be so deeply in love as he was with Helena

Susan Russell.

Near the end of her first trimester, however, their joy was gone. That

morning Helena woke up already feeling tired, oddly tired. She opened her

eyes to find John kneeling by her side, watching her with an amused smile

on his face. He was already in his uniform and, seemingly, ready to begin

his working day. When he saw her drowsy smile, he sat on the edge of their

bed and craddled her firmly but gently into his embrace. With a calm teasing

tone he ribbed Alpha's CMO:

"You're late, Doc. Your commlock buzzed long ago, but you just ignored

it."

Helena chuckled softly knowing that with his embrace he was deliberately

preventing her from springing from bed in a rush to get ready and be gone

to her duties.

Matching his teasing tone she replied, "Right now, I'm way too comfortable

and content to care to move, sir.

When he finally released her, she got up as he lent her his hands 

for support. It almost worked. When a wave of dizziness and nausea hit

her, she did not even notice her legs giving out on her  as she fell

against John's chest.

"HELENA! What's wrong?" Came John's terrified question, as he picked her

up to lay her down again. And then, he saw it... the stain of blood on

the sheets.

Helena breathed deeply to control the dizziness. "...I don't know..." she

lied, unable to control the tears that accompanied the realization 

that she was losing their baby. John viciously punched the Medical Emergency

code on his commlock, without taking worried eyes from Helena's features.

Again, John found himself craddling his wife, wiping off her tears, he

asked in a shaking voice, "Are you in pain?" She tried to sound calm to

soothe his worries, "Not much. I'll be fine. Don't worry."

"Sorry, my love, but THAT is impossible." John retorted before he could

recognize that his statement would worry her . "Relax, Sweetheart,

the Med Team will be arriving soon." He said, pulling her closer, gently

stroking her hair and closing his eyes tightly. He knew they were in for

a very rough period in their lives and he was not looking foward to having

to face it.

More than any time in her life Helena knew she would have to resort to

her iron will to get over a crisis. But, never had she felt such difficulty

to overcome a sorrow like the one she was facing. She wanted very much

to show the strength and coolness, so characteristic of the woman known

as Dr. Helena Russell.

The analysis of the causes of the miscarriage, Bob's words, and her own

medical knowledge and thoughts swayed in her mind: ' genetically not a

viable fetus, not meant to be, up to 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriages'

... meaningless rationalizations for the devastating pain she

felt over the loss of her child. John's words of comfort wouldn't reach

her, once all she could think, as she looked into his eyes, was what she

could do to comfort him and make his pain more bearable. She knew him

well enough to be sure about his priorities. SHE was his main worry. So

for John's sake Helena 'decided' she would not take too long hurting.

Another thing Helena should know well enough was that she should not ignore

her own pain and loss as well as the effects this negligence could

and would bring to her. Certain things could not be rushed or simply 'willed'

to happen. Neglecting her mourning was one of those things. John could

only watch as she harden her soul, indulging herself very little time to

openly grieve. After the miscarriage she had cried for 24 hours straight,

then, slept for an equal amount of time. After that, she gradually began

to reassume all her usual activities and duties.  But John knew she

was hiding. Withdrawing from ... everything and everyone, trying to feel

nothing, not to be touched by anything. He couldn't reach her. It was as

if she had lost interest in her own life. She was slipping away and he

was really scared he wouldn't ever get her back.

One thing bothered the Doctor: how could life go on as if only a 'simple

misfortune' had occurred. She wanted the cosmos to grieve with her. There

had not been only a 'misfortune'. Her son had not been only a fetus.

He deserved her grief and tears for she missed her little boy.

John was well aware that the distance Helena was putting from him was due

to her incapacity to efficiently hide her pain from him, thus worrying

and hurting him. She  wanted to shelter John from the pain her sorrow

would cause him. But he loved her and wanted to be allowed to worry 

about her and the right to share and soothe her sorrow. The path she had

chosen was longer and tougher. Sharing their feelings and thoughts about

their loss and grief would be the best way to complete their mourning process

and their healing. It would still take awhile until Helena began to re-contact

herself, her world and those who loved her so much.

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