Sandra Benes sat back and sighed, but even that brought pain instead of relief. The pain in her chest had gotten much worse lately and she knew the end was close at hand. An end she welcomed. Living the life of a recluse in the older section of Moonbase Alpha did not afford her the luxury of close friends. Nor was that something she desired. Since coming to Loki most all of her friends and acquaintances had married off and had children. They spent most spring and autumn on the planet and when they returned to Alpha during the unbearable seasons Sandra had discouraged their visits. This was mainly due to her affliction; an affliction that had disfigured her once attractive body and left her in a perpetual state of pain.
When Helena had first diagnosed her as having Rheumatoid arthritis, just as they had first discovered Loki, Sandra had been in a relationship with Alan Carter. It had been a convenient relationship for her. She was comfortable in his presence. He understood her and her need for privacy. He had even adapted his gregarious life style to suit her own. She knew he had wanted more from their relationship and was about to give in when the bomb dropped. As she returned from medical center she thought of an aunt she had known with the same affliction. Remembering the disfigurement and pain her aunt had gone through she knew she would never be able to build a life with Alan or anyone. When she shared the news with Alan he accepted the pronouncement calmly, disappointed but not heart-broken. Part of her was glad it was over, but the another part wished that he had fought harder to stay by her side and share in her agony. She cried herself to sleep that evening and for several evenings afterward.
Since then she had seen many of her companions marry and raise beautiful families. Many of them she was happy for. John and Helena were meant to be together from the very start. Bill and Annette Fraser had been married just after Breakaway and had a beautiful daughter, Dinah. Tony and Maya took a while to cement their relationship, but they had many happy years together. Their only surviving child Salvatore was the image of Tony with Maya's intellectual abilities. She remembered meeting him at Tony's wake.
There were also marriages that she did not give her full approval to, not that anyone had sought it. She had been appalled when she heard of the news of Alan's marriage to Emma Koenig. He could be her father. Amazed that the Koenigs had allowed the wedding she had kept her mouth shut out of respect for her old friends. It reminded her she hadn't seen Alan since the wake.
No time for wool gathering, she thought to herself. Since her self-imposed isolation she had been working on a history of the Alphans from Breakaway until Loki. As it neared completion she felt an overwhelming urge to complete it before the pain in her chest came to an unbearable crescendo and her life slipped away.
A beep from the com-panel near her work-station diverted her attention once again. Helena was at the door seeking admittance. Helena was one of the few individuals that Sandra allowed to see her. Semi retired, she still attended to most of the older Alphans. Today she had shuttled to Alpha from Loki to check on Sandra.
"Open door" Sandra ordered. She had become so debilitated that everything in her quarters had to become voice activated.
"How is my prize patient today?" she asked as she took a seat near Sandra.
"Bearable. Under the circumstances." replied Sandra
" I came up early because I'm concerned about the readings I'm getting from your heart monitor. Won't you let me give you something for the pain?"
"No. Absolutely no. I'm close to finishing and I do not need drugs to cloud my memory now. Maybe when I'm finished."
"Sahn," she pleaded using her nickname "you can't keep pushing yourself like this. You're not that well. It could kill you."
Sandra sensed the argument was going nowhere so she decided to try honesty. "Helena," her voice softened, "you and I are both aware that I am dying. I have already lived longer than either of us expected. I must finish this. I'm so close. So, what's the difference of now or next week or next month as long as I finish this. Please."
Helena knew she was right and she knew the end was very near. All she could do now was submit to her wishes. And, she thought to herself, mend some fences. She got up to leave. "All right, but please, take a lot of little breaks." She turned at the door. "I'll check on you tomorrow. Will you let me send a nurse over?"
"Absolutely not. They disturb my thinking." she smiled. "Thank you Helena."
Helena sat down at her desk in the old Medical Center. Getting through to Loki was no problem. Soon John's face appeared on the screen. Immediately a broad face crossed his face. "Hello, sweetheart." he beamed.
"Hi John. How are things?" she asked.
"Oh you know. When are you coming home?"
Her face became serious. "That's what I'm calling about. I need you to do me a favor." She knew she had only to ask and John Koenig would move the heavens for her.
After Helena terminated the call John leaned forward and leaned he head in his hands. He trusted Helena's judgment. His life had depended on it many times. He just hoped she was right this time.
Pushing another button, he made the call. Immediately, his old friend's face appeared on the tiny screen. Without wasting words he said "Alan, I hate to interrupt your vacation, but we need to head up to Alpha tonight." Then he explained.
Alan Carter knew he was a lucky man. Being married to Emma was almost too good to be true. When he explained that he had to go to Alpha to see Sandra he hadn't known what to expect. He had kept no secrets for his wife, so she knew of Alan and Sandra's history. Instead of a fit of jealousy she gently replied that she understood and walked him to the pad where he embarked the Eagle with John. Her gentle smiled assured him that there was no animosity and that she understood he had to do this. As he leaned down to kiss her before entering the Eagle, she returned his embrace with such intensity that he knew he could not stay away for long.
Sandra looked at the display. Finished at last, she thought. She thought she would be elated when the task was completed but instead all she felt was sadness. Sadness because the end was so near? she thought to herself. Suddenly pain exploded in her chest and fingers of pain shot down her arms. No, she cried to herself, not now. Her breath was coming in gasps and she felt her blood pumping through her head. All she could do was clench her teeth and moan. Then darkness came.
When she came to Helena was leaning over her. An IV was dripping beside her and various monitors were connected to her body. Fortunately she felt no pain.
"That was close. I've got your heart stabilized for the moment. How do you feel?" Helena asked.
Like she had been hit by a meteor, she started to reply. Instead she just smiled.
"I've given you something for the pain." she leaned down next to her patient. "All I can do now is make you comfortable." She turned away so Sandra wouldn't see the tears in her eyes.
"It's OK Helena." she mumbled before she drifted off to sleep.
When Alan Carter entered Sandra quarters it was like stepping back in time. Everything was as it had been before they came to Loki without any of the "modern conveniences". Instead of a slate, she still communicated through her comlock and compost. Along the shelves and on the walls were old photographs. Some taken before breakaway. Others during their long journey through space. The one that held the most prominence sat by her bed. It was a picture of Paul. As he looked around he noticed that many of them were involving Paul. God, how she must have missed his all these years, he thought. Then he thought of how he would feel if he were left without Emma. How could he stand it?
Looking down at Sandra's sleeping form he noticed how cruel the disease had been. Her once lithe and attractive figure was marred by her illness. He hoped she would not suffer much more. Looking up at her face, he noticed that she had awaken and was looking at him with same deep brown eyes he had remembered.
"Hello, bright eyes." he said as he leaned over and kissed her forehead.
"Hello, Alan." She noticed that the years had been kind to him. Other than the thinning hair and deepening lines around his eyes he was the old Alan.
"How do you feel, love?" he reached over and took her hand.
" I just had the most wonderful dream. Paul and I were on a picnic. I could feel the sun on my skin and the breeze in my face."
Tears welled in Carter's eyes. "That's good, Sahn. It's good to feel like that."
They began to talk about the old times. They talked about things they thought long forgotten. Laughter rolled as they chatted as though they had never been apart. All too soon Helena came in and broke it up. Sahn needed her rest she said. After Sahn drifted off into another drug induced sleep Helena pulled Carter out into the hallway. John joined them.
"There isn't much time left I'm afraid. Her heart is continuing to weaken and soon the drugs won't be enough any more."
"How long, Helena?" Carter asked anxiously.
"A couple of days, hours...who knows"
Alan nodded his head in defeat and returned to Sandra's bedside.
Helena moved into John's arms, her tears rolling freely. Mixed emotions ran through both of them. They wanted their friend relieved of her suffering, but weren't ready to lose someone they loved.
A couple of hours later Sandra woke again to find Carter still by her side. He had fallen asleep in the chair at her bedside. As if sensing he was being watched, his eyes fluttered open. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
"How do you feel? Can I get you anything?" were the first words he muttered.
"Fine and no." Then her face changed. "Alan, would you do me a favor?"
"Sure, name it." he replied puzzled.
"Take me to the planet. To Loki. I want to feel the sun again, like I do in my dreams."
Taken aback he wasn't sure how to reply. Finally he said "Sure if it's OK with Helena."
When they approached Helena with the idea she was at first resistant to it, but Sandra put up a good case and soon they were on the way to the planet, Koenigs in tow.
Carter carried her to the beach. Her emaciated frame weighing almost nothing. They had found a secluded portion of beach and Helena and John had rigged a beach chair and shelter to keep the sun off of her. Her spirit improved and soon she was asking Carter to take her to the waters edge. After dipping her feet in the water and sitting in the surf for a while she found she was tired again and needed to take a rest. Soon she was wrapped in a fresh towel and sitting under the shelter listening to the waves crash against the beach.
"Thank you for bringing me Alan. Thank you for coming to see me."
"It's the least I could do for an old friend." he smiled at her. Worried he took her hand. She had weakened considerable since they had been on the beach. He wondered if he had done the right thing.
"Tell me about your family, Alan."
Sighing, he rolled to his back. He missed his family terribly. "They're great. It's all Emma and I can do to keep the boys in line most days." He launched into a lengthy story about the misadventures of his sons.
Sandra felt the wind blow across her face. The sound of Alan's voice comforted her greatly. She was concentrating on his story when it happened. Lulled by the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. The weight on her chest lifted suddenly and she closed her eyes for the last time.
Alan felt Sandra stiffen beside him, then relax. Curious, he lifted himself on an elbow and softly called her name. There was no answer. Quietly sobbing he took his slate and called Helena. Only moments away she was soon at his side confirming what he already knew.
A small service was held the next day on the lunar surface. Only those close friends who were able to attend were there. They gathered near a small ridge where she was laid to rest next to Paul.
She didn't want to open her eyes. The sounds and smells were so familiar to her. The sun warmed her soul. When Sandra did open them she found herself staring into the warm brown eyes of the man she loved. As she had dreamed he would so many times before, he took her in his arms and kissed her. Pulling back, she turned around taking in the landscape, but taking care not to turn lose of Paul's hand. The sky was blue, the grass was green and the flowers were of every color imaginable. This was not Loki. Perhaps not Earth either. She didn't care.
"Are you ready?" Paul asked. His voice was like a thousand violins to her ears
"For what?"
"Our paradise. Our home." Was all he replied as he led her towards a small valley. In the distance she caught sight of those who had come before her. Victor waved a hand in salute and Tony showed a lopsided grin. Everyone. They were all here.
She ran toward a small brook. The happiness that had eluded her while she had lived filled her very depths. She stopped to pick a flower and realized it. No more sadness. No more pain. She was with Paul again. This was heaven in every way.
March 20, 1999
Paula Austin
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