Therapy

by Barbara Conrady

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Never say goodbye

Never say goodbye

You say tomorrow's another day

All I know is we're here today

I've got nightmares I could never share with you

The kind that keeps me up all night

So hold me tight till the room is light

And tell me that it's alright

Never say goodbye

Never say goodbye

We may go our separate ways some day

But we know we shared our dreams today

I've got nightmares I would never wish on you

The kind that keeps me down all day

So hold me tight till the sky is light

And tell me that it's alright

                                        Yoko Ono, 1982

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

April 2001

John Koenig stepped out of the travel tube and entered the section of the living quarters. Stopping in front of a broad white door with two nameplates on it, he drew a deep breath and used his commlock to announce his visit.

Almost soundlessly the door slid open, and a second later he found himself standing in front of Helena Russell who greeted him with a warm and friendly smile.

“I… uh…” John cleared his throat. “… just wanted to give this back to you.” He handed her a pile of CDs with classical music.

“Oh, thanks. Did you enjoy listening to them?”

He grinned. “Yes, I did. I honestly never thought I’d come to appreciate Mozart so much. Thank you for lending them to me.”

“You’re welcome. Why don’t you have a seat?” She showed him into the living room and motioned to the sofa corner while walking over to the large wall unit to put the CDs back to where they belonged.

“No, I… uh… I’ll better be off. Still got some work to finish.” He followed her into the living room and was just about to wish her a nice off-duty-evening and say goodbye, when he suddenly frowned a little and looked around. He had expected Lee to be home, knowing he was not on duty tonight. “You’re alone?” he couldn’t help asking.

Helena gave him a quick smile, then turned back to sort the CDs into the shelf. “Lee’s got a band session with Paul and the others. He should be home soon, but you never know – when he’s doing his music, he forgets everything.”

She felt John’s look and turned around to face him. “John,” she said quietly, folding her arms across her chest. “Don’t look at me like that. I know that look. It’s the you-don’t-know-what-you’re-doing-look, and I don’t like it.” Her eyes were piercing him.

John didn’t budge and held her gaze with a grim expression. “He forgets everything, huh!”

“He doesn’t forget me,” Helena said still very quietly, but stressing every word. Her whole expression left no doubt that John had better watch what he said.

“I worry about you. Is that forbidden?!” John growled.

“Oh!” Now her eyes flashed with anger. She took her arms from her chest and made a step towards him. “You worry about me, do you! Does that mean it is okay for YOU to worry about ME, but when I worry about YOU, it’s just an annoying interference! It’s just that I want to trouble you when I ask you to be careful, and…”

“Helena, don’t start this again!” He said in a warning tone.

“It’s only because of your stubbornness that I start this over and over again! You know that your regular physical is overdue, you look like hell, you work too much, you never rest, and you’re losing weight rapidly! I’m not going to stand by and watch this any longer! Tomorrow you will come to Medical and see Bob, even if that means I’ll have to knock you out first!” Her eyes flaming, she stood in front of him.

John’s expression was still dark and grim. “My wellbeing is none of your business.”

That was too much. John saw Helena was about to explode with rage and for a split-second considered ducking before she could throw something at him when he heard footsteps approaching from the entrance area. “Helena? Sorry I’m la…”

Lee Russell interrupted himself when he saw the Commander. “John!… Is there a problem?” he asked cautiously, aware of the tense, overheated atmosphere.

“No, nothing at all. I was just going to leave.” Straightening up, John made his way to the door.

“Oh, fine! Go ahead and run away!” Helena fumed. “You’re right! Your wellbeing is none of my business! What do I care if you’re working yourself to death! I don’t care, John Koenig, I don’t care – go to hell!!”

“Helena!” Lee stared at his wife in dismay. The entrance door opened, then closed after John had rushed off. Lee cast another dismayed look at Helena who stood rooted to the spot, then he hurried to go after John.

“John! Wait!” Lee soon caught up with the other man. “Look, I don’t know what happened, but…”

John looked at him silently.

“You know she didn’t mean that,” Lee said earnestly. “Don’t take it to heart what she just said.”

Still silent, John nodded at him and turned around, heading for the travel tube.

Confused, Lee entered his quarters again. “What for Heaven’s sake was that about?” he asked Helena who was staring at the pictures on the wall without seeing anything.

Hearing his voice she whisked around to face him, and Lee could almost hear the whipping sound of the movement. “You’re late!” she hissed at him, eyes still flashing.

“I know, and I’m sorry!” Lee tried to calm her. “We had some trouble with the band equipment…”

“I don’t care about that… band of yours!” she burst out at him.

Lee almost took a step back, but recovered immediately. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a beep from his commlock. Paul Morrow’s face appeared on the screen. “Lee, sorry to bug you again, but we just can’t get the synthesizer working. Could you take a look at it, just for a minute?”

Lee suppressed a sigh. “Okay Paul, I’ll be right there.” He closed the connection. Helena looked at him inquiringly.

“There seems to be a problem with that… band of mine,” he said crossly, mimicking her tone. Then he left.

He had only taken a few steps when he stopped dead. “Shit!” he grumbled to himself. “I’ll be damned if I run away from my own wife!” Taking his commlock out, he typed in Paul’s code. “Paul? Sorry, but I’m not coming. Not now. I… must take care of something here. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, no problem. We’ll manage.”

After closing the connection, Paul looked at his band mates. The Moonstones were not a band of regular members yet, they were simply a bunch of people who had fun practising their instruments together, doing jam sessions and sometimes even getting as far as performing in the little concert hall in the recreation area, to a grateful audience of Alphans who were longing for good live rock music. The members changed frequently, but Paul and Lee belonged to the hard core who kept the whole thing together.

“Lee is not coming. Looks like something urgent came up,” Paul explained. The bass player, a sturdy man from Security named Bill Jackson, grinned and looked at the others. “Looks like Lee’s having trouble with his missus!” he sniggered. Pete Garforth, the drummer, let out a roaring laugh.

“Hey, let’s stop that!” Paul said uneasily. “We’d better think of what to do with that synthesizer…”

“I think I’ve got an idea.” Jim Haines put his guitar down and knelt behind the instrument. The rest of the group gathered around him and started to give advices while Paul stared pensively at his commlock before putting it back on his belt and joining his mates.

Helena was relieved to see her husband come home after such a short time, but her pride didn’t allow her to show it. She was still upset. So she simply looked at him, standing in the middle of the living room, arms folded across. He walked up to her and met her look.

“Helena, I’ve had enough of this.”

“Enough of what?”

“You know what I mean. I’ve had enough of being the lightning rod whenever you have trouble with John. This is not the first time. I’ve never said anything, I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but I’ve had enough now!” As usual he kept his voice down, but his eyes revealed hurt and anger. “I am not your substitute for John.”

All of a sudden Helena seemed to have no more power left. She sank onto the sofa, looking tired and miserable. “You’re right,” she murmured. “I… I was… mad at John and took it out on you. It wasn’t fair.” She looked up at him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

With a sigh Lee sat down next to her, meeting her look. Then he took her hand. Helena exhaled with relief and gave his hand a squeeze. “Lee…” she began hesitantly. “You don’t seriously think that… I see you as a substitute for John?”

“No!” Lee hurried to say, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It… was a very stupid thing to say.”

“Yes, it was,” Helena said earnestly. “But I’m responsible for that. If I hadn’t been so…” She sighed unhappily, “… awful to you lately…”

He caressed her cheek. “It’s all right now. And besides, you weren’t awful.”

“Yes, I was. I was unfair. And I… I don’t understand myself any longer! You know me, Lee, you know it’s not in my nature to lash out like that. It seems like… John brings out the worst in me. But I’m not blaming him! It’s not really his fault. It’s just… we’re having trouble being open with each other. We’re still… tiptoeing around each other, both afraid to say a wrong thing.” She shook her head, staring down on her hand that was resting in Lee’s. He squeezed her hand, silently encouraging her to go on.

“It’s so hard to work with him every day when I see he’s not taking good care of himself, and he’s always trying to play the tough guy in front of me – it’s driving me crazy! He knows that, and that’s driving him crazy! But there seems to be a… silent agreement between us not to touch any personal topic when we talk. Of course that doesn’t help to relieve the tension between us. We do manage to keep things on a professional level when we’re around others, but as soon as we talk in private…” She shook her head again and let out an irritated sigh. “It all gets so awkward!”

Lee nodded pensively. “But there has been some improvement since the time I first got here?”

“Yes, of course. When you first got here, John and I could hardly talk at all. That was much worse. Now we can talk, but… mostly we’re acting like two polite strangers. Not friends. And it’s killing me.”

Lee looked at her silently. He knew John still meant a lot to her, and he loved her enough to try his best to understand her. Helena was always honest with him. She didn’t hide her feelings – and she never left him wondering about to whom her heart belonged. It was Lee she loved, and a hundred John Koenigs wouldn’t change that.

“Helena,” he said softly, still holding her hands. “I think… maybe we should do what Bob suggested.”

A trace of uneasiness showed in her eyes. “You mean… having a group therapy session with John?”

Lee nodded. “I know we decided to keep it all between ourselves, but…” He sighed. “The situation is getting out of control, Helena. You’ve just described it yourself. We need to do something.”

Helena nodded reluctantly. “I guess you’re right. I don’t know exactly how Bob thinks this is going to work, but… I know he wants all three of us to participate.” She looked at her husband, now settled and determined. “I’ll talk to Bob in the morning, okay?”

“Okay. You two can schedule the session and arrange it with John, then I’ll talk to Victor and Maya and see how much off duty time I can get.”

“Good. The sooner we get this over with the better. I hope this will help…”

“We’ll have to find out,” Lee said softly. “Anyway, it’s a chance. To… clarify some things.”

Helena nodded again, giving her husband a light smile to encourage both him and herself, and squeezed his hands. They sat silently for a while, holding hands, lost in thoughts. Then Lee noticed a shadow of distress on his wife’s face.

“What is it, love?”

She met his look. “It’s John,” she said in a low voice. “I’ve been horrible to him too. I’m so embarrassed at myself!”

Lee looked at her for a second, then reached for her commlock that lay on the coffee table and gave it to her. “Here. You better call him right now instead of putting it off until tomorrow.”

Helena heaved a sigh and nodded, then typed in John’s code and waited for him to answer the call. The tiny display on the machine told her he was in his quarters, so she knew she could speak openly. “John? I’m sorry about… those terrible things I said to you earlier. Please forget them.”

A small grin appeared on his face. “That’s okay, I’ve already forgotten it all.” Then his expression turned serious. “I apologize too. Shouldn’t have been so harsh.”

Helena gave him a relieved smile.

“Guess where I’ve just been!” John said.

“Where?”

“Medical. I’ve just talked to Bob. We scheduled my physical for tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, John!” Great relief, concern and reproach were audible in her voice. “You could have spared me a lot of headache if you had made up your mind a little earlier!”

“I know. Sorry, doc.” A trace of guilt showed in his grin.

“Well, see you tomorrow at Medical then.” She smiled at him.

“Uhm… Helena,” His voice sounded a bit awkward. “Actually Bob made a suggestion to me. About… uh… you know…”

“A group therapy session?”

“How do you know?” he asked surprised. “Did he talk to you about it yet?”

“Yes, he did. Lee and I were just discussing it.”

“Is Lee there with you now?”

“I’m here, John.” Lee moved closer to his wife so he could speak into the commlock too.

“What do you both think?”

“We think we should give it a try, John,” Helena replied, exchanging a look with her husband. “It can’t go on like this.”

“What about you, John?” Lee asked. “Are you ready for this?”

John sighed, looking a bit insecure. “Honestly, I don’t know. I… I’m still having my sessions with Bob, and it seems to work well so far. This… would be different.” He sighed. “But you’re right, Helena. It can’t go on like this.” His voice sounded determined now, and the insecurity in his look had vanished. He was talking as Commander Koenig now. “This week is best. Things are going smoothly here, and there’s a good chance we can carry this through without any interferences. Let’s settle everything with Bob tomorrow. Good night.”

“Good night!” they both echoed. After closing the connection, Helena fell against the sofa’s backrest, looking exhausted. “This week…” she murmured.

“Sounds good to me,” Lee said. “Remember what you said earlier: The sooner we get this over with the better.” He took both her hands in his again. “Your hands are as cold as ice, love.” He started rubbing them.

“The three of us locked up in a consulting room, with Bob… no way to escape… having to face our emotions… all our emotions…” Her blue-green eyes met Lee’s. “I’m scared!” she whispered.

Lee enfolded her in his arms. “I know. Me too,” he said softly, holding her close. “But we’ll make it.” Helena hugged him tightly, grateful for his warmth and confidence.

                              *~*~*~*

Early in the morning four days later, Helena was standing in the diagnostic unit of Medical Center, carefully scrutinizing the examination results one of the nurses had just given her. “You see?” John was standing next to her, watching her with a trace of triumph in his expression. “Nothing’s wrong with me! I’m in perfect health.”

Helena nodded slowly as she put the printout into a folder on her desk. Then she turned to John. “I’m glad to see the results were all negative, John, but still… I’m worried. I can see how tired you are, and how… stressed-out. You really need to take it a little easier.”

John noticed the sincere concern in her eyes. “I promise I will,” he said gently, but determined. Helena rewarded him with a warm smile.

“… was discharged yesterday.” “Yeah, I just met him in the cafeteria. Looked quite good to me.” The doctors Ben Vincent and Ed Spencer walked in, followed by Jenny Takahashi and Mary Wilson, the head nurse.

“Helena? Commander?” Ed looked surprised at both of them. “Still here? I thought you were already in the consulting room with Bob.”

“I know, we should be, but…” Helena sighed. “Oh Ed, Ben – do you really think you’ll be okay here? It’s not that I distrust your abilities!” she hurried to say. “But… both Bob and I away… I don’t have a good feeling with this.”

“Helena.” Ed gave her a reassuring look while Ben turned away and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “We’ll do everything just the way we discussed yesterday. Things are going smoothly and quietly here. Ben and I will be fine. And if anything happens, we’ll have Raoul as back-up. So don’t worry. Medical Center won’t cave in with you and Bob away for a couple of hours.”

“It may be more than just a couple of hours!” Helena insisted, still looking worried. “If something really serious happens…”

“…we’ll call you immediately!” Ben finished the sentence, standing next to Ed. “No problem at all!”

“Mary,” Helena turned to the head nurse. “You know what I told you about our new patient, Carl Roberts from Technical…”

“I know, Dr. Russell,” the matronly brown-haired woman answered, lightly touching the doctor’s arm. “Just leave it all to me.” Helena was relieved to see the air of calm self-confidence in Mary Wilson’s expression. Medical Center would be in good hands.

“And Jenny! Don’t forget to check Michelle Osgood’s medication very carefully.”

“I won’t, Sensei.” The young Japanese nurse with the bright orange streak in her hair nodded with an almost grave look in her almond-shaped eyes.

“And remember – you can always call me when there’s a problem.”

“Hai, hai,” the girl mumbled more to herself, turning to her daily routine work.

Helena sighed, looking around. “That goes for the rest of you too!”

“YES!” the whole crew replied in chorus, sounding a bit tired.

John chuckled. “Come on, we better get out of here. Bob will be waiting for us.”

Together they left the diagnostic unit and headed for the consulting room used for therapy sessions. “I had the same kind of discussion with Tony and the others in Command Center,” John said with a wry grin. “I think they were all quite happy when I finally left.”

Helena nodded a bit gloomily, then glanced at her watch. “Oh, we’re not as late as I thought we’d be. I wonder if Lee’s already there – he was busy e-mailing Maya the reports he worked on yesterday.”

They had just reached the consulting room when Bob opened the door and popped his head out. “Oh, there you are.” He looked at John, then at Helena. “You two go back home and change,” he said with determination.

“Change??” both their voices echoed.

“Yes, change. I need you both to get out of your uniforms. You are not here as commander and chief medical officer. You are here as individuals. And you will forget about your duties on Alpha for a while.” His look and his tone allowed no arguments.

Lee turned off his computer, got up from his chair and stretched when he heard the entrance door open. Surprised, he turned around to see his wife entering. “Darling? I was just going to join you in Medical. Forgot something?”

Helena told him about Bob’s order and went to the bedroom. Lee followed her and saw her standing in front of the open closet, staring at the clothes.

“It makes sense,” Lee said pensively, leaning against the door. “Honestly, I didn’t even think of putting on my uniform because it’s an off-duty-meeting.” He was wearing blue jeans and a dark-green shirt. “And this is definitely more comfortable. We’ll have to sit there for a long time, you know. Casual clothes are best.”

Helena looked at him and nodded. “You made a wise choice.” She pulled out her pair of casual black slacks she loved to wear when she was off duty and tried to smile at Lee, but he noticed she was a bit pale and obviously getting nervous. He was just about to say something reassuring to her when she suddenly held out a worn-out white shirt. “Do you mind if I wear this?” she asked almost shyly.

Lee laughed. “My old shirt?” It was one of Lee’s few remaining belongings from Earth – he had taken the shirt along with some other plain clothes on the disastrous Astro Seven mission.

Helena passed her hand over the slightly rough fabric. “It… has a special meaning to me,” she said in a low voice. “I know it sounds silly, but when I wear this I’ll feel… in some way… supported.”

Still smiling, he softly put his arms around her. “My love, you are a very strong woman,” he said tenderly, “with or without any support, from this shirt or whatever. But of course you’re welcome to wear it if it makes you feel better. And…” His hand gently touched her cheek. “I’m with you.”

A warm shine of fondness lit up her eyes as she kissed him.

“Mmmm… that was nice…” he whispered, his mouth still close to hers when they parted.

Eyes closed, Helena pressed her cheek against his for a moment, then stepped back. “We must hurry, sweetheart,” she said softly. “We’re late.”

Only seconds later she had changed from uniform to shirt and slacks and joined Lee who was waiting at the door. “Ready?” he asked.

Drawing a deep breath, she pointed her commlock to the door to open it, then slipped her arm through his. “Ready!”

                              *~*~*~*

John, dressed in khaki jeans and a dark blue shirt, paced the room like a caged animal while Bob was sitting in a chair, pensively staring in front of himself.

“Why are there so many chairs anyway!” John pointed irritably at a group of chairs, armchairs and sofas arranged in a circle. “We’re only four people, aren’t we!”

Bob raised his head to look at him. “The way you choose to sit can reveal a lot about your emotional state.”

With a groan John continued to pace. He was feeling more and more uncomfortable. The anxiety that seemed to churn up his guts was worse than anything he had felt before. He would rather have been on a dangerous space mission or stranded on a planet full of hostile creatures than having to be here, in a room with Helena and Lee and… “I think I should call Command Center.” He reached for his commlock.

“No.” The doctor’s stern look rested on him. “Your commlock will stay on that table in the corner until the end of the session, unless there is an emergency.”

John suppressed another tormented groan. He could feel how things were gradually slipping out of his control. He was out of his element here. This was Bob’s realm, and John had to submit to his instructions and arrangements.

A beep came from the door, and Bob pressed the button on the commpost to let the Russells in. “Good morning. Sorry we made you wait,” Lee said as he and Helena entered the room.

Bob and John returned the greeting. John noticed Helena was quite pale, and the white shirt she was wearing which was obviously too big for her added to that impression.

“First, please put your commlocks on the table in the corner over there!” Bob demanded. “Good. Now - have a seat wherever you like.” He motioned to the group of chairs. John sat down on a chair near Bob while Lee and Helena settled on a sofa next to each other.

“Okay!” John jumped up again. “Now that we all chose our seats, I suggest we get rid of the other chairs. They really confuse me.”

Helena and Lee agreed and got up too. Both John and Lee told Helena to stay seated and leave the work to them while Helena protested that she wasn’t too weak to shift a couple of chairs. Bob watched all three of them with slight amusement.

When finally everybody had settled down again, Bob began to speak. “I want you all to know that you will be the ones talking here. I intend to stay in the background as much as possible. I will give a little help by asking questions and offering my interpretation of the situation. But for the most part, this is going to be a chance for you to voice your feelings. Your conflicts, your relationships with each other, your fear, your anger, your pain. Anything. Nothing should be hidden here. This is no command conference, no staff meeting. There is no need to be professional or cool. Just be yourselves.”

With a serious, intense look Bob fixed his eyes upon the three people who were facing him, one after another. He could feel their tension and growing uneasiness.

“Needless to say, nothing that will be said here will ever leave this room. Nobody of you will have to worry about what people will think of you when you speak openly here.”

Three heads nodded faintly, eyes cast down.

“Luckily, things are going smoothly in all sections of Alpha at the moment,” Bob continued, “so unless there is an emergency, we won’t be interrupted. This will be a ‘marathon session’ as we call it, lasting all day long, with one or two breaks in between. So we are not pressed for time.”

John swallowed dryly, desperately fighting the feeling of being trapped. He tried to breathe deeply and raised his head to meet Bob’s look. Every time John entered this room to discuss his problems with Bob, he was stunned by the authority the soft-spoken, young Jamaican doctor radiated in this sphere of his. It was the same kind of authority Helena radiated in the rest of Medical Center, the kind of powerful aura that made people click their heels in their minds when she appeared. In this consulting room there was no doubt who was the one in charge – even though he was not wearing a uniform.

“Now I’d like you to tell me how you feel, each one of you. Just say anything that comes to your mind, now, spontaneously. Lee, you start please.”

All the time Lee had been so busy trying to reassure Helena that he had hardly noticed how nervous he himself was about this therapy session. Now he gradually felt an iron ring of worry and anxiety winding itself around his chest. Something in the atmosphere in this room intimidated him. “It’s… dark in here,” he said in a strained voice.

“Well, I dimmed the lights,” Bob explained, “to create a more relaxing atmosphere.”

“Relaxing!” Lee gave a short bitter laugh. “Oh yes, very relaxing indeed. Almost as relaxing as the atmosphere in John’s office that day when you, John, Victor and I had that cosy little chat – at the end of which you missed the chance to perform my autop…” He abruptly stopped when his eyes fell on Helena beside him who was sitting motionlessly and didn’t seem to breathe. “I’m sorry, love,” he said contritely. “I shouldn’t have said this. That was foolish. Please – forgive me.” He laid his hand on hers. It was icy cold.

“It’s okay,” Helena whispered, staring in front of herself, very pale. “Let’s… just forget it.”

“Helena…” He held her hand more tightly, trying to warm it.

“I’m all right,” She whispered. Lee looked at her full of concern.

“Yeah…” John muttered. “That day. Goddamn hard day for all of us. Wasn’t much fun to me either to drag you to my office and try to get you to talk. Security guards standing around there didn’t make it any easier…”

Suddenly Helena doubled up and pressed her hand to her stomach, barely stifling a cry of pain. Lee immediately put his arm around her. “Your stomach acting up again?” She nodded, her face contorted.

“Are you all right, Helena?” John asked, his look full of worry. She nodded again, eyes closed. Lee massaged her back, rubbing the “stomach spot” between her shoulder blades Sarafena had shown him. Acupressure was one of the things Bob’s wife mastered, next to her profession as a medical technician, and after Helena’s stomach operation four months ago she had taught Lee how to give his wife some relief when she was suffering from sudden pain, without depending too much on medication.

Bob rummaged through a cupboard in a corner of the room, then gave Helena a medicament dissolved in a glass of water. “I’ve been afraid something like this might happen,” he said with a worried frown. “But I thought we should at least try.” He set the glass down on the small table between them, next to the notepad and pen he had put there earlier.

Eyes closed, Helena breathed deeply while Lee kept massaging. Finally she opened her eyes and gave her husband a weak smile. “Thanks, honey.” Then she turned to her colleague. “Bob, I don’t think I need the medicine this time. Usually the massage helps me a lot. I only take something when there’s no other way. Thanks anyway.”

Bob nodded. He noticed a bit of colour had returned to Helena’s cheeks, and she seemed a little more relaxed.

“Helena,” John leaned forward in his seat, frowning with concern. “I think we should postpone this meeting if you’re not feeling well.”

“No!” Helena said almost shocked. “I don’t want to postpone it. I want to get this over with now.”

“I think John is right,” Lee said to her, his hand still on her back. “Maybe you should get some rest and…”

“No!” Helena insisted, looking at Lee, then at John. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m really feeling better now. I’m getting these cramps when I’m under a lot of stress, but I can control them.”

Lee sighed, his face clouding over with worry and remorse. “It was my fault. I upset you with my stupid sarcastic remark. I shouldn’t have brought that up…”

Helena shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault. I… actually started to feel the pain the moment we came in here. It’s the whole situation that causes my stomach to cramp.”

“The decision is yours, Helena,” Bob said calmly, looking at his boss who was now his patient. “If you feel up to it, we go ahead with the session. But if you’re feeling too bad, don’t try to be tough. Let us know, and we postpone the session.”

“I feel up to it.” Helena’s look was determined. “I feel it’s important to keep going now. It won’t do any good to postpone it – it would just be the same next time. I won’t let my stress control me. I will control my stress!”

The three men exchanged looks. This was the Helena they knew, each one from their own individual point of view.

“Good!” Bob said. “If you’re so sure about it, we’ll go ahead. But promise…”

“… when the pain comes back and it gets too hard, I will let you know and take it easy, yes, I promise!” Helena said slightly impatiently, looking at Bob, Lee and John one after another. The three of them nodded reluctantly.

Helena sighed, looked down and ran her hands through her hair until it was all tousled. She didn’t seem to notice it. She sighed again, obviously getting nervous.

“Is there anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable, Helena?” Bob asked.

Helena raised her head, an air of insecurity around her. “Honestly… yes, there is, but…” She shook her head. “It can’t be helped.”

“What is it, Helena?” Lee asked, and John looked at her inquiringly too.

“I know it’s stupid, but – I hate being the only woman here!” she burst out. “It doesn’t have anything to do with you personally, anybody of you – you all know that,” she hurried to say, looking a bit troubled as she glanced at the three men. “I can’t really explain this. It’s just… I feel… uncomfortable. Isolated. I know it’s stupid!” she repeated, almost desperately trying to make herself understood.

John and Lee both sat there frowning, obviously trying hard to understand. Bob thought for a moment, then said, “Sarafena is off duty today. If everybody agrees, and if you think it’ll make you feel better, Helena, I could ask her to join us.”

“Oh – that sounds like a wonderful idea!” Helena smiled with relief. Then, concerned, she looked at the three men again. “But only if it won’t make any of you uncomfortable. What do you think?”

“I don’t mind if it makes you feel better,” Lee said.

“Likewise!” John mumbled.

“Thanks.” She exhaled with relief, then looked at her colleague. “Bob, you really wouldn’t mind asking her?”

“Honestly, it would be a relief to me too,” Bob admitted. “Sarafena is a keen observer. Four eyes see more than two. She might pick up things that escape my notice. And Helena has a point – it might really be helpful to have another woman around. Needless to say…” He looked earnestly at the three people in front of him. “You can be assured of Sarafena’s absolute discretion.” Nobody doubted that, as he could tell from their expressions.

Bob got up to get his commlock and contact his wife. Helena was glad to hear Sarafena agreed to come. “And please bring some of your herb tea – yes, something soothing. Okay, see you then.” Bob closed the connection. “She’ll be here right away – she dropped by at Medical anyway. I just caught her when she was about to go back to our quarters.”

A minute later the door slid open, and Sarafena Mathias entered the room. Her colourful batik robe and especially her wide beaming smile when she greeted the little group lit up the atmosphere immediately.

“Oh Sarafena, it’s so good to see you!” Helena smiled at her. “Thank you for giving some of your precious free time to us.”

The other woman placed a tray with a teapot and five cups on the small table and gave Helena a friendly look. “I’ll be glad to help if I can.”

“Let me get a chair for you, Sarafena.” John got up and took one of the chairs that were left in the corner. “Uhm… where would you like to sit?” he asked, remembering how important the choice of seats was for Bob.

“Thank you, Commander, I think here would be okay.” She chose to sit between Bob and Helena. Before she sat down she looked at John again, and once more a wide beaming smile spread on her face. “Commander! You look very nice today! That shirt… it matches the colour of your eyes very well,” she remarked in her deep melodious voice.

“Oh…uh…” John, who was just about to sit down, froze and looked a bit awkward.

A soft giggle came from Helena’s seat. “I’ve noticed that too,” she admitted in a low voice. “Just didn’t say anything.” There was a little twinkle in her eyes. Lee and Bob exchanged a wry grin.

“I… uh… didn’t really care about what clothes I put on,” John admitted, still awkward, looking down at himself. He cleared his throat. “It doesn’t happen often that… women comment on my clothing.” He managed a lopsided grin and blushed slightly.

Sarafena let out a resounding laugh and shook back her long braided hair. “Oh, I didn’t mean to make you feel embarrassed, Commander. It’s just so nice to see you out of uniform for a change.” She leaned back in her chair and let her look wander around the group. “Now, why don’t we have a little tea together.” Before she took the teapot to fill the cups, she turned to Helena. “This will be good for your stomach too, dear.”

“How did you know…” Helena began to ask.

Sarafena smiled and patted her hand. “That wasn’t hard to guess.” After pouring the tea, she looked at the others again. “I didn’t want to interrupt your session. Go ahead with whatever you’ve been talking about.”

Immediately the atmosphere tensed again. John, Helena and Lee suddenly seemed very busy drinking their tea, saying nothing.

“When I asked everybody how they were feeling,” Bob began to summarize, “the atmosphere in this room made both Lee and John remember the day when Lee first came to Alpha.”

“The day when Lee first came to Alpha?” Sarafena repeated. “You mean – the very first time? That’s interesting.”

“A year and four months ago,” Lee mumbled more to himself.

“I actually think this could be a good point to start from,” Bob said.

“Is it… really necessary to go back to that day?” Helena asked, her voice sounding strained. “I’d prefer not to talk about it.” She looked pale again and kept her arms folded across her chest.

John was staring in front of himself with a dark, unapproachable expression.

Lee drew a deep breath. “Why do you think it would be good to start from that day, Bob?”

“Well,” The doctor leaned back and looked at him. “After all that’s the day when it all started. It was the day when Helena had to face the fact that her husband was alive.”

“I’m through with this!” Helena said sharply, sitting up straight on the sofa like a statue. “It’s over. I never think about that day anymore.”

Lee looked at her with a trace of concern in his eyes. “You’re still having those nightmares,” he said in a low voice.

Helena flashed him a reproachful look.

“I think Bob should know this,” Lee insisted calmly.

“She still has them?” John asked. “I remember one night in my quarters…” He stopped abruptly, looking awkward.

“Oh no…” Helena sighed and buried her face in her hands, not daring to look at anybody.

“Helena,” Lee softly laid his hand on her back. “Look, we’ve been through this. I know that you… I mean, it’s nothing new to me that you and John… uh…” He broke off, looking just as tense as his wife.

Bob cleared his throat. This was going to be tough. “Now listen, all three of you!” he demanded. “I know this won’t be easy, but remember what I said at the beginning. Absolute openness. You won’t do yourselves any good if you try to hide things, cover them up. This is not the time for diplomacy – nor embarrassment.”

Helena, who felt Bob’s look rest on her, slowly raised her head and met his look, then turned to Lee and shyly reached for his hand. He took her hand and pressed it reassuringly. Both were still tense, but obviously determined to keep going.

Again, Lee drew a deep breath and softly let go of Helena’s hand. “John,” he turned to the man sitting to his right. “You mean Helena already had those nightmares when she was…” he hesitated for a second. “… with you?”

John nodded, frowning slightly as he tried to remember. The situation was obviously straining him too. “I especially remember one night, it was shortly after… that day. She woke up screaming and… calling your name, and told me she had seen your Astro Seven spaceship disappear in a beam of light or something.”

“John!” Helena almost jumped up from her seat. “I don’t see any point in talking about this. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Those dreams… and all what happened that day… Terra Nova, and Lee appearing and disappearing… I want to forget it!” She clasped her hands to make them stop shaking, without success.

“Do you think you can do that, Helena? Forget it?” Bob asked.

She tried to breathe deeply, then slowly shook her head. “I don’t think so,” she admitted in a whisper. “But I wish I could.”

“You realize,” Bob spoke again, “that the events of that day - we could call it Terra Nova Day - are still haunting you. Please tell me – have you ever talked about that day? What you experienced, what you felt?”

“Yes,” she replied quietly, reaching for Lee’s hand again. “I’ve talked about it with Lee the day he came back.” She was still trying to breathe deeply. “Ever since then I’ve been trying to forget it.”

Bob thought for a moment. “I suggest that each one of you tries to remember that day when it all began. Pass it in review. And then let’s hear it. Express your feelings, your thoughts, your fears, whatever. That day still affects all three of you. Now, I’m aware that the after-effects of that day can hardly be all cleaned up in this one session. But it’s a start. And it will give you a chance to see some things more clearly.”

Once again, three heads nodded obediently. But nobody started to speak. Bob was racking his brain for some encouraging words when he felt a gentle hand on his arm. “Bob,” Sarafena’s soft alto voice said, “Why don’t you start, dear?”

“Me?” Bob was a bit puzzled.

“Yes! You’ve been there too, haven’t you? Except for the planet survey, you were with Helena and Lee most of the time,” she reminded him. “I wouldn’t mind contributing my own impressions, but I was off duty that day and didn’t see anybody of you – not until later at night, when everything was over…” She paused for a second and looked at the woman at her right. “… I went to Helena’s quarters to bring her some tea.”

Helena gave her a faint smile. A trace of the gratitude she had felt for the other woman that night lit up in her eyes for a moment.

Bob looked a bit unsure as to what to do. “Well, I certainly was there most of the time, but…” He looked at John, Helena and Lee. “Do you really think it’s a good idea for me to start?”

“Yes!” three voices replied in unison, three heads nodding eagerly. Three pairs of eyes were watching him expectantly. Sarafena leaned back, a twinkle of amusement in her eyes.

“All right then.” Bob leaned back too, his face took on a concentrated expression. “It was a rather quiet day in Medical Center…”

December 1999

Dr. Bob Mathias returned from the laboratory and entered Care Unit Three again to look after the patients who had been brought in today. Pilots Parks and Bannion seemed to recover well, he realized with relief. He smiled briefly at head nurse Mary Wilson, then glanced over at the third bed. Helena was sitting on the edge of the bed, her hands were resting on the shoulders of the sleeping man whom she had identified as her husband.

Mary had followed Bob’s look. When Bob turned around their eyes met, and the nurse let out a silent sigh, casting another quick glance at the Chief Medical Officer who sat motionlessly on the bed, oblivious to everything going on around her.

Bob motioned Mary to follow him into a far corner of the room. “Do you understand this, doctor?” the nurse asked in a whisper. Her brown eyes were full of confusion and worry.

Bob shook his head, feeling quite helpless. “Nobody can explain this, Mary,” he said in a low voice. “But Dr. Russell is convinced that this man is her husband.”

Pity was visible in the expression of Mary’s round face. “Sometimes… when you wish for something desperately to be true…” She sighed. “… it can cloud your sense for reality.”

Bob frowned. “I know what you mean, but I can’t help feeling that there is more to it. For all we know – it could be really him.” He shook his head again. “Too bad no one else on Alpha has ever met Lee Russell,” he murmured.

“The Commander didn’t seem very happy about this,” Mary remarked. “He looked quite upset when he walked out of Medical earlier.”

Bob nodded. “I’ll talk to Dr. Russell now.” Mary returned to her work while Bob slowly approached Lee Russell’s bed. “Helena?” he said softly.

As if waking up from a trance, Helena turned at the sound of his voice. “Bob!” She smiled lightly at him. Her blue-green eyes had a soft shine he had never seen before. “I’ve talked to him! Just a little bit, but… I’ve talked to him. He… recognized me.” She swallowed.

“What?” Bob stared at her in surprise, then watched the patient closely. “You mean he woke up? Why didn’t you tell me at once?”

“I… I guess I should have. I’m sorry.” She blinked, then drew a deep breath and straightened up. When she looked at him again, her eyes had changed back to the usual expression she had when she was on duty in Medical Center. “He was awake for a very short time, maybe two or three minutes,” she said matter-of-factly. “He said my name…” For a split-second the soft shine became visible in her eyes again, then they returned to their look of professional coolness. “… and he asked me what this place was. I told him we’re on Moonbase Alpha, but I don’t know if he really understood. Then… I think he tried to explain to me why he came here. He said, I came to you because… then he fell asleep again. He’s still very weak.”

Bob nodded pensively. He still had trouble grasping the situation. He looked at the flat line on the monitor which recorded Lee Russell’s vital signs. “Still no change,” he stated.

Helena nodded, following his look. “I can’t explain this,” she said, “but he is alive.” There was a calm determination in her voice that made Bob swallow the question he had wanted to ask her not for the first time – whether she was really sure that this man was her husband. “Helena,” he said instead, “why don’t you go back to your quarters and try to relax a little? I’ll look after him.” He saw her hesitation and added, “I promise I’ll call you as soon as there is any change.”

Helena thought for a moment, then agreed. She bent over and fondly touched her husband’s cheek. “I’ll be back,” she whispered, giving him a look of tenderness. Then she got up and turned to leave.

The attempt to make Lee Russell come out of his unconsciousness and get him to talk by injecting him metrazine had been fruitless. He hadn’t been able to say anything coherent. He had just repeated his wife’s name over and over before becoming unconscious again. Finally Bob and Commander Koenig had left the care unit while Helena stayed behind to take care of her husband.

Wondering if there had been any change in that unusual patient’s condition, Bob pointed his commlock at the door of Care Unit Three and stepped inside. Holding his breath in shock, he raced over to the motionless figure lying on the floor. “Helena!” When he touched her, her eyelids began to flutter. “Lee…” she murmured.

“Helena! Can you hear me?” Bob called.

Slowly her eyes opened, then she tried to get up.

“Easy! Easy!” he cautioned, placing his hands on her shoulders to keep her in a sitting position. “Do you remember anything that happened? What made you faint?”

“I…” She began, still disoriented. Then she looked around. “Lee… is he all right?” she asked weakly.

Bob followed her look. “There seems to be no change, but I’ll check on him at once. First let’s get you off the floor.” He supported her and helped her sit down on an examination cot. “I’m all right!” she said impatiently as he ran the scanner over her. “Let me look after my husband now.” She tried to get off the cot, and Bob had trouble reassuring her that he would take good care of Lee and he would be all right. Meanwhile Mary had returned to the care unit and was shocked to see her boss, pale and weak, on the examination cot.

“Why did you pass out, Helena? What happened?” Bob asked urgently.

Helena frowned a little and rubbed her forehead. “Lee woke up again…” she said slowly, “and we talked… a little. Next thing I remember is you calling my name, and I found myself lying on the floor.”

“Why does he wake up only when you’re alone with him?!” Bob began to feel irritated. “Wake up properly, I mean?”

Mary put her hand calmingly on Bob’s arm, softly shaking her head. Then she turned to Helena. “Dr. Russell,” she said gently, “All this is too much for you. The events today are…” she hesitated a bit, searching for the right expression, “… a terrible strain on you. No wonder you break down at some point. Wouldn’t it be better for you to try and get some sleep? Dr. Mathias and I will take good care of your husband.”

Gratefully Helena looked at the other woman, gave her a faint smile and nodded.

Two hours later, Bob returned from Victor Bergman’s quarters. He had discussed the thermographic scans of Lee Russell with the professor. The situation became more and more confusing and alarming. What did all this mean? Obviously Lee Russell needed his wife by his side to – stay alive? … His head full of unanswered questions, he walked down the corridor leading to Care Unit Three. A while earlier he had taken Helena to her quarters so she could recover from her fainting fit, and made sure she went to bed. Then he had called the Commander and waited for his arrival before he left. After checking on Lee Russell and making sure there was no change in his condition he had dropped by at Professor Bergman’s quarters. And now… back to look after that mysterious patient, as he had promised Helena.

He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Lee Russell standing in the middle of the room, looking lost and confused.

“Mr. Russell!” Bob quickly went up to him. “Please! You should be in bed!”

The man retreated, looking at him with a haunted expression. “I… want… Helena!” he said with trouble.

“You’re not well!” Bob insisted, approaching him.

“I… want… Helena!” Lee repeated, his look wild and desperate.

“Yes, in a moment!” Bob tried to calm him, stretching out his arm to lead him back to the bed, but Lee yelled out, “No!” and pushed him away with so much force that Bob fell into a shelf and landed on the floor. He reached for his commlock that lay nearby and pressed the emergency button. Then he struggled to his feet.

Lee Russell suddenly doubled up and supported himself against the wall, obviously trying to gather new strength. Bob cautiously approached him. That man had just attacked him which didn’t exactly make him more likable or trustworthy to Bob, but he was still his patient. “Now will you please stop this silly behaviour and let me help you!” he demanded sternly.

The other man looked at him, his eyes glowing frantically – and strongly determined. “Don’t… come… near me… doctor,” he groaned

Bob frowned.

“Physical… contact… is very dangerous!” Lee continued, straightening. He seemed to gradually get stronger. “I must go… find Helena… there is no time…” He headed for the door, but just as he was about to leave, Commander Koenig and two security guards came rushing in. “Stop him!” Koenig yelled. The guards grabbed Lee’s arms, having trouble to hold the desperately struggling man.

“Lee!” A voice called from the door. “Lee! It’s all right!” It was Helena. She had entered in a hurry, still wearing her pyjamas. Instantly, Lee stopped struggling. He stared at his wife, motionlessly.

The guards released him.

April 2001

“… and off we went. To John’s office.” Bob paused for a moment.

John was sitting with his long legs stretched out, arms folded across, staring at his shoes. Again he was showing his dark, unapproachable expression. Helena was sitting upright on the sofa without leaning back, eyes fixed upon a point somewhere on the wall, hands clenched in her lap.

Lee was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He heaved a sigh and ran his hands through his hair, then he looked up. “Bob,” he said uneasily, “I feel… so embarrassed. The way I behaved that day – I was… beside myself! In the true sense of the meaning.” He frowned and shook his head. “I still can’t believe I knocked you down – as a reward for you trying to help me! You must have thought I…” He stopped and let out a soft groan.

“Yes?” Bob urged him to go on. “What must I have thought?”

Lee still looked embarrassed and uneasy. “That I was a… rude, primitive, violent character.”

An affirmative grunt came from John’s direction.

Bob couldn’t help laughing. “Well, my impression of you wasn’t that bad. But I do admit I had some trouble understanding how you could be Helena’s husband. I couldn’t imagine Helena being married to someone who loses control that easily.” He paused, looking pensive for a moment before he went on. “But then, when I had some time to think about it - on our way to John’s office, and also… later,” he sounded a bit awkward himself at this moment. “I figured you simply had trouble adjusting to – our world. You literally had to struggle to stay alive. And now, since I’ve got to know you better, I’m convinced that your behaviour that day wasn’t what you really are.”

A trace of relief showed in Lee’s eyes. “I’m glad you see it that way, Bob, but… I’m so sorry.” He looked unhappy. “I created a mess in Medical Center and caused everybody great trouble. Especially Helena…” He glanced at his wife next to him.

Helena had gradually come out of her numbness while Lee had been speaking, although she was still pale and looked very strained. Hearing her husband’s last words, she turned to him and silently took his hand, clasping it firmly in both her hands. Her gesture revealed that she was not only reassuring him of her love and support, but also trying to draw strength from him. Lee returned the squeeze of her hand and gave her a tender look.

Sarafena looked around at everyone, then discreetly took Bob’s notepad and jotted down some notes.

“What about you, Helena? Is there anything in my account you’d like to comment on?” Bob asked.

Helena had obviously trouble to speak. “I remember… I suddenly woke up in my quarters and had this strange feeling. I can’t describe it…” She frowned and paused for a moment, still clasping Lee’s hand. “I just knew I had to get to Medical right away. I didn’t know why, I just felt… Lee needed me urgently. There was no time to lose. I didn’t even take the time to get dressed. I just ran out of my quarters, barefoot, in my pyjamas… I was worried sick… and when I finally arrived at Medical, there was Lee, awake, standing there, held by security guards.” She swallowed. “My Lee being held by security guards like a… criminal! He was struggling, and I… wanted to help him, but…”

“You did!” Lee said gently, holding her hands. “Your appearance changed everything. You were there when I needed you. Just by being there, saying a few words to me, you gave me new strength.”

“But not enough!” Helena whispered, looking at him with sadness in her eyes.

“I thought… you were a danger to Helena,” John murmured, still staring at his shoes. “Thought you were drawing your energy from her – draining her.”

Lee frowned at him. “I would never have done anything to hurt her!”

“Except giving her an electroshock which knocked her out!” John snapped.

“That wasn’t his fault, John!” Helena said sharply.

“Wait!” Lee turned back to his wife. “John is right about that one, Helena. I shouldn’t have touched you. I didn’t realize I would give you an electroshock by gripping your shoulders, but still – I should have been more careful.”

“But you couldn’t know…” she began.

Lee shook his head. “I should have been more careful,” he repeated softly. “I became unconscious again at almost the same time you did. First I didn’t realize what I had done. It was much later, back on the planet, that my memory functioned again and I… remembered.”

“I… didn’t want you near Helena,” John grumbled.

“That was obvious,” Lee said dryly.

“I…” John began, then paused awkwardly. He didn’t look at Lee. “If I had known… that you literally couldn’t survive without Helena beside you, I… wouldn’t have forced you to stay away from her.” He stared in front of himself, his jaws firmly set.

It was silent for a while. Helena had gone stiff again, her face showing no expression. Then Lee spoke. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t blame you at all – that time,” he said slowly. “But now I understand that it was… difficult for you.”

The tension in John’s attitude seemed to ease off a little.

“John,” Bob turned to him. “Do you want to tell us something about your feelings in that situation?”

“No!” John said with determination, straightening up in his seat. “You go on with your account, Bob.”

“Yes, Bob!” Lee said, looking at the doctor. “Go on, please.”

Helena, still silent, nodded at him.

“Okay.” Bob leaned back in his chair, concentrating on the events of that day sixteen months ago.

December 1999

The Commander and Professor Bergman had tried to get some information out of Lee Russell, but things had only become more confusing. Russell insisted that going to the planet meant mortal danger, but didn’t manage to be more clear and specific. Finally he became weak.

“You’ll go to that planet whatever I say, isn’t that so?” he said in a flat voice, exhausted. He slumped down on his chair, looking worn out and very sad. “Helena…” he murmured before his eyes closed and his head sank down.

Everything went very quick. Bob declared Lee was dead and got ready to take the body back to Medical. Before he left, Commander Koenig held him back. He looked pale with stress and worry. “Somebody… must tell Helena…” he said in a choked voice.

“I’ll tell her,” Bob assured him, not feeling the self-confidence he tried to radiate. Everything seemed unreal and hard to understand.

Doctor Helena Russell – Chief Medical Officer. Bob gazed at the nameplate on the office’s door. He took a deep breath and asked to be let in through his commlock.

Helena was sitting at her desk, back in her uniform. “Bob! Is the interrogation finished? Where is Lee?” She got up from her seat.

“Ah… wait!” Bob motioned her to stay where she was when he saw she was about to leave the office. “Are you sure you’ve rested enough?”

“Yes!” she replied a bit impatiently, standing behind her desk. “I’ve been working here for the past half hour. Did you get Lee back to bed? I hope John wasn’t too hard on him…” She frowned when she saw her colleague walk up to her with a very serious expression. “What happened, Bob?” she asked, her voice sounding alarmed.

Trying to collect himself, Bob was silent for a second. Then he met Helena’s look.

A sudden jolt, only very slight, almost unnoticeable, went through her body. Motionlessly she stood behind her desk, her eyes fixed upon her colleague.

She knows, Bob realized. She doesn’t need to hear it. She knows.

He opened his dry lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “There was nothing I could do.”

Her face was a white, expressionless mask. Her blue-green eyes seemed to look through him as if he wasn’t there. “How did it happen?” she asked in a flat voice.

“He simply… stopped breathing,” Bob said, feeling awkward and helpless. “He became weak… closed his eyes… and stopped breathing.” He hesitated. “The last thing he said was your name,” he added softly.

Her hands clasped the backrest of her chair so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She swayed a little, and Bob hurried to take her arm, urging her to sit down.

“No!” She pulled herself together, looking at him, her eyes showing nothing but determination. “I… must see him.” She let go of the chair’s backrest and headed for the door, walking straight upright. Full of worry, Bob followed her.

Her hand was only slightly trembling when she pointed her commlock to the door of the room in a remote area of Medical Center. Bob stood a little aside when she reached out to remove the blanket covering her husband’s face.

Helena stood in total silence for a few seconds, her eyes seeming to absorb the sight of the man lying in front of her. Then she put her hand on his cheek, bent down and softly touched his lips with hers. Straightening up, her hand rested on his cheek one more moment, then she abruptly turned away. With a nod to Bob she left the room.

Bob had trouble keeping up with her pace. “Are you all right?” he asked, immediately realizing the stupidity of that question.

“Yes.” She kept walking briskly, until she suddenly stopped and leaned against the wall for support. She was very pale, and beads of cold sweat were appearing on her forehead.

“Helena…” Bob cautiously put his arm around her, supporting her, literally holding her weight. “Let me call someone to help you get back…”

“No! Please don’t!” She looked at him imploringly. “I can walk. I… don’t want to see… anybody now. I couldn’t stand…” She broke off, closing her eyes.

“Okay. Try to breathe deeply.” He watched her closely without letting her go.

Eyes still closed, Helena took a few deep, trembling breaths. Then, opening her eyes again, she said quietly, “Thank you, Bob. I can go on now.”

His hand on her elbow, they kept walking the halls of Medical Center. Bob glanced around, relieved to see nobody nearby who might approach them. Back in her office, Helena sat down behind her desk, clenching her hands together, staring at the wall facing her. “Is there anything I…” Bob started helplessly. He had rarely felt so miserable in his life. Why did this have to happen? At last Helena had begun to pick up the pieces of her shattered life – of her shattered personal life – and allowed herself to love a man again. Her romance with Commander Koenig was no secret on Alpha, naturally. It must have started about two months ago, shortly after the Kaldorians, led by Captain Zantor, visited the Moonbase. Bob and Sarafena had both been happy for Helena. The two of them were the only ones who had ever witnessed how deeply Helena grieved for her husband even after five years, and they had truly hoped that a new love would help her begin a new chapter in her life. And now – the wound that had barely started to heal had been torn open again. This is not fair, Bob thought sadly. Helena did nothing to deserve this.

Helena obviously hadn’t heard his question. She was still gazing at the wall, as if in trance. “It wasn’t real,” she murmured. “He never came back. He never… really… came back.” Her eyes met Bob’s. “He’s dead,” she said tonelessly.

Bob nodded reluctantly.

Her look wandered back to the wall in front of her.

Bob dreaded what he had to say now, but there was no other way. She was still the Chief Medical Officer. “Helena, I… I’m sorry to have to ask you this now, but…” He drew a deep breath. “I need your permission to… uh…”

Her look returned to him, her eyes still blank, but showing a glimpse of the usual cool professionalism. “… to perform the autopsy. Of course.” She nodded. “Please go ahead with it, Bob.” Her voice was quiet, but collected.

“Good.” Bob swallowed. “Can I… get you anything?”

Helena shook her head and got up. “No thanks. I’ll be in my quarters for a while. Let me know when I’m needed here.” With these words she passed him and left the office.

April 2001

“I don’t really have much more to tell after that,” Bob concluded, looking at his three patients and his wife who were watching him silently. “I told Professor Bergman about Lee’s skin test results – how the structure of his skin was normal while he was alive, but since his… uh… death,” He looked slightly apologetically in Lee and Helena’ direction, “the skin tests showed that the atomic structure of his body was changing. There were signs of reversed polarity, which is the first stage in the process towards antimatter.” He cleared his throat. “Then Lee’s body simply vanished from the autopsy room – at exactly the moment the reconnaissance Eagle was going to lift off.” He paused, thinking, then frowned. “I was worried about Helena. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to take part in that planet survey, to be honest.”

“I had to go,” Helena murmured. She was very pale again. “I couldn’t stand staying back… in Medical… after what had happened. I needed to get out of there.”

“I understand that,” Sarafena said softly, looking compassionately at the other woman.

Helena cast a quick grateful glance at her. “I…” She swallowed, trying to keep her voice calm and composed. “I kept telling myself it all hadn’t been really true. I never really had Lee back.”

“That’s what you told me,” John murmured, still staring at his shoes, “when I came to see you in your quarters. Pretty damn foolish of me to believe you were all right.” He gave a short bitter laugh. “Of course you weren’t. I was deluding myself. Wanted to believe you were all right.” Shaking his head, he added quietly, “I shouldn’t have taken you along.”

Helena shook her head too, expressing she wasn’t agreeing to him, but didn’t speak. She still appeared calm, and the only thing that revealed her inner turmoil was her clasping Lee’s hand firmly in hers.

“If you hadn’t taken Helena along, there would have been no chance to save you all, John, don’t forget that,” Lee pointed out, placing his free hand on Helena’s to ease her upset feelings.

Sarafena couldn’t suppress a shudder. “I can’t even begin to imagine what an ordeal that must have been for you on the planet, Helena – all alone, everybody… dead.” She suddenly looked a little insecure, as if wondering whether she should have better left it unsaid. When her eyes met her husband’s, she was a bit relieved to see reassurance in his look.

Helena nodded slowly. “I was ready to die,” she said almost in a whisper, “when suddenly Lee appeared in front of me.” She closed her eyes for a second. “I’m still having that nightmare… sometimes,” she said hesitantly, “about Lee… not being there. I see him like a blurred vision, I run after him calling his name, but… he disappears. John and the others remain dead.” She tried to breathe deeply. “I keep running and searching for Lee, but…” Shaking her head, she became silent.

Bob watched her pensively. “That’s the nightmare that still keeps reoccurring?” he asked, remembering what Lee had said earlier.

“There are two different nightmares that keep haunting me,” Helena said quietly. “The one is the Terra Nova dream I just mentioned. The other one is about…” She swallowed. “Lee lying in… that room. I pull the blanket from his face, and… he appears to be only sleeping, but… he’s…” She closed her eyes and tried again to breathe deeply. Lee massaged her back with slow, comforting movements.

“What about the dream that John mentioned earlier, Helena? Will you tell us about that one too?” Bob asked softly.

Helena stiffened, her whole body signalizing rejection. “I haven’t had that one for ages. Not since Lee came back.”

“You don’t want to talk about it?” Bob asked.

Helena folded her arms across her chest, sitting upright without leaning back. “I’m through with this!” she said, her voice not sounding quite steady.

Lee watched her closely, his hand still resting on her back. Then he exchanged a look with John who was sitting on his right. John’s expression revealed unmistakably that he doubted Helena’s words just as much as Lee did. Both men looked at Bob. The doctor laid his pen down on the notepad that was lying on his knees. “Your body language tells me something else, Helena,” he said dryly.

She stared down at the floor. “I haven’t had that nightmare since Lee came back,” she said quietly, “but I can’t… get that image out of my head. It keeps emerging at… certain occasions.”

“That image?” Lee asked, still watching her, his eyes showing concern. “You never told me you had another nightmare that kept haunting you. Wait – didn’t John say something about… the Astro Seven spaceship burning up? That’s what you saw?”

Closing her eyes as if shutting out a terrifying sight, she nodded. “I saw the explosion… and then… the ship had disappeared.” Her voice broke as a single tear rolled down her cheek. Lee immediately took her in his arms to comfort her.

“So in that dream, and even now in your mind, you see the spaceship disappear,” Bob stated matter-of-factly. “Although, naturally, you never saw the real thing happen. Do you have an idea why this image is so vivid to you?”

“Give her a break, Bob, please!” Lee frowned at the doctor, looking at him over his wife’s head. “Can’t you see she’s trembling!”

Helena was visibly struggling to regain control of her emotions. Hiding her face at Lee’s shoulder, she tried to calm her hitching breath.

“Lee,” Bob said patiently, “I understand you feel the need to comfort her. It’s a natural reaction. But Helena is just about to face something she has been burying in the depths of her soul for a long time. It is painful. There is no doubt about that. But stowing it away and closing the lid won’t help. Your nightmares and visions, Helena, show you that the wounds inside your soul haven’t healed yet.” He looked intently at her. She was returning his look, now a little calmer, sitting closely beside Lee who was still holding her.

“Helena, as a doctor you know that wounds can’t heal properly when you keep covering them up. They need air too. That goes for physical injuries as well as for injuries in your soul. You’ll never be able to cope with your fear and pain if you run away from it. Face it.” Having said this, Bob looked at Lee. “Would you please let her go now.”

“What?!” Lee stared at the doctor as if he had gone crazy.

“You heard me. Helena needs to get through this by herself. I know this sounds hard, but your consolation keeps her from facing her emotions.”

“I won’t let her go when she’s in a state like this!” Lee protested, scowling at him. “Bob, with all due respect for you as my doctor and therapist, when my wife is in need of comfort I will give it to her, if you like it or not!”

Reluctantly, Helena moved out of her husband’s embrace. “I think… maybe Bob is right, Lee,” she said in a low voice, taking a handkerchief from the pile Sarafena had discreetly put on the table. She dabbed at her eyes, removing the few tears that had managed to escape her strict control, sniffed lightly and sat up straight again. Lee watched her with a worried frown.

“How do you feel now, Helena?” Bob asked.

“Isn’t that obvious?!” John exploded. “She’s feeling goddamn awful! Can’t you see that, you insensitive son of…” He interrupted himself, clenching his teeth, managing to get his verbal outburst under control at the very last moment. It was only then he realized he had jumped up from his seat and was clenching his fists. His tension had risen gradually, and he had been watching the situation trying to restrain himself until he couldn’t take it anymore.

An uneasy silence filled the room. Suddenly John was aware of Sarafena’s look resting on him. Her dark brown eyes, not smiling this time, seemed to look right inside him. From one minute to the next, John sobered up. Awkwardly he cleared his throat and sat down again. “I… uh… I’m sorry,” he murmured. “Didn’t mean to…” He made a helpless gesture with his hand.

Bob was completely unperturbed. “That’s okay,” he said coolly. “I’ve expected this to happen.”

“It’s just…” John tried to explain his reaction, still looking a bit uncomfortable. “I can’t stand seeing Helena in pain, that’s all.”

Lee nodded grimly, exchanging a look of silent agreement with the other man. Helena stared at the floor.

“Now listen to me.” With a very serious expression, Bob looked at both men. “What Helena does not need right now is two knights in shining armours who try to protect her from anything that could hurt her. There are certain things you cannot protect her from. If Helena is ready to deal with her problems, you’ve got to let her do it.”

Both John and Lee returned his look, neither of them seeming very happy.

Bob turned his attention back to Helena. “How do you feel?” he asked again.

She looked pale and tense, but determined. “I’m ready to go on.”

Bob nodded. “Good. Let’s get back to where we’ve stopped earlier.” He paused for a second, concentrating. “We were talking about that image in your head. The spaceship burning up.”

Helena nodded hesitantly. “I’ve seen it happen.”

Lee looked at her with a slightly puzzled expression.

“How could you have seen it happen?” John asked, looking puzzled as well.

It took a few seconds until Helena replied. “That night…” she reluctantly began. “I woke up because… Lee had called my name. It was so real that I startled, and I reached out for him, but he wasn’t there… and then, before I could turn on the light, there was this…” She took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly, trying to keep calm. “There was this… vision.” She stopped, staring in front of herself.

“A vision?” Lee asked softly, his hand lying on the sofa’s backrest behind his wife.

“Beams of light,” Helena whispered. “An explosion. A fire ball. Pain, great pain… as if my body was torn in two… everything dissolving around me. And then… total darkness. Nothing.”

Lee was frozen. He stared at his wife with an expression of shock and disbelief.

Helena continued in a whispering voice. “I… felt so empty. Lost. And I was so scared because I didn’t understand why.” She clenched her hands in her lap, closed her eyes for a moment and tried to breathe deeply.

“I have never experienced such great fear in my whole life,” she spoke again after a short pause. “I kept telling myself I just had a nightmare. But…” She swallowed hard and closed her eyes again, then went on speaking. “The next morning, I rushed to the Space Center, asking for news. The way everybody looked at me…” She broke off, shaking her head in a helpless attempt to escape the dreadful memory.

“When they told me they had lost contact with the crew… after you went into orbit around Jupiter… I…” She pressed her lips firmly shut and swallowed. “I refused to accept it. Everybody tried to make me realize that you were dead, but…” She shook her head. “I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t.” Her voice was so quiet it was barely audible. “I forced myself to stay calm and rational, checking all the possibilities – any possibilities – of what could be done. I went to Commissioner Dixon and demanded a rescue mission.

I was not ready to accept him giving up on the crew, simply declare them lost… without hope…” Her lips became a thin line again as she swallowed. “He wouldn’t listen to me. He just looked at me… with impatience,” she murmured, “and… pity. Then he said to the crew… Let her hear the message. The final message.”

She stared at her hands clenched together in her lap. She stayed silent for a while, and Bob was torn between carefully asking her to go on, and simply waiting. Finally, he chose the latter.

When Helena spoke again, it obviously took her a lot of effort. “They… made me listen to the last message from Captain O’Neill they had recorded before the contact was lost. He said… something about an intense heat wave coming up… radiation…”

Lee nodded slowly, still watching his wife full of concern.

“The heat shields… he was afraid they wouldn’t hold out… the heat wave was too strong… they measured over a hundred thousand degrees… heading right up to them… no escape…” She closed her eyes and exhaled trembling. “I had to realize there was no hope… but still didn’t want to believe…” She shook her head again, pausing for a second. “I… at that moment I saw it again. The vision from that night. I felt… felt it all again.” She shivered.

Her four companions listened silently. Shock and compassion were written on everyone’s faces. Nobody, not even Lee, had ever heard Helena tell this story.

She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “Ever since then…” She broke off. After a moment she continued in a choked voice. “… I’ve been haunted by that image. It was as if… there was some cruel force inside me that kept making clear to me that Lee was… gone forever. And even now…”

Her breath got shallow and shaky, and she blinked, putting her hand to her mouth. “I can’t get rid of it. I’ve tried to forget… I never told anyone… but it won’t go away! Whenever Lee goes on a recon flight, I…” Her tears spilled over. She tried to speak again, but all that came out was a sob. She desperately tried to control it, but her emotions took over. Her body was shaken by sobs as she doubled up and buried her face in her hands.

This time, Lee obviously didn’t care anymore whether Bob would object or not. He gathered his wife into his arms and held her in a tight, protective embrace. Helena had no more power left for trying to be brave and tough. Crying uncontrollably, she hid her face at her husband’s shoulder. Lee held her close, stroked her hair and her shaking body, softly whispering words of comfort.

Realizing Helena needed some time to recover, Bob didn’t try to interfere. He couldn’t help remembering a day two years ago, before Breakaway, even before John Koenig became Commander of Moonbase Alpha. After attending the memorial ceremony for the Astro Seven accident which had happened exactly five years before, he had taken a devastated Helena to his quarters, where he and Sarafena offered her refuge until she had regained control of herself. Seeing her now back in her husband’s arms, he felt torn between relief for the couple being reunited, and a slight sadness about the tormenting fear Helena still had to struggle with.

His look wandered to John, who silently stared in front of himself, his hand covering his forehead. His expression was dark and tense.

Bob turned his head to the other side and saw his wife quietly filling everybody’s cups with fresh tea. The soft purling sound of the hot liquid being poured, along with the fragrant steam rising from the cups, had a soothing effect on everyone. Even though nobody said a word for a while, the atmosphere slowly became more relaxed.

Little by little, Helena’s sobbing subsided, and her breath sounded a bit calmer. Slowly, she raised her head from Lee’s shoulder. He watched her closely, looking concerned, his hand which had been stroking her hair still resting on her cheek. She met his look, her hand covering his for a moment, giving it a light squeeze. Then she took a handkerchief from the pile on the table to clean herself up. “Excuse me,” she whispered.

“How do you feel now, Helena?” Bob asked.

“A bit better.” Her voice was a little hoarse, but calm.

“Helena.” Lee looked at his wife, his arm still around her shoulder. “Why did you never tell me… all this?”

She gave a light sigh and stared at the crumpled up handkerchief she was still clasping in her hands. “I didn’t want to think of it,” she murmured. “I’ve tried to escape the memory. But now I have to realize that…” she sighed again. “There is no escape.”

Lee held her tightly for a moment, then let her go and looked into her eyes. “In that vision,” he said softly, “you… saw what I saw. And you felt what I felt.”

Returning his look, Helena nodded slowly. They were both silent for a moment.

“Lee,” Bob’s voice broke through the silence. “How do you feel now?”

“I…” Lee hesitated to answer. He looked sad as he turned back to his wife, watching her. He took a fresh handkerchief and wiped a remaining tear from the corner of her eye, then caressed her cheek.

Helena took his hand in hers. “How do you feel, Lee?” she softly repeated Bob’s question.

“I want to…” he started, then sadly shook his head.

“What is it, love?” Helena asked gently.

“I want to take you… home,” he said in a pressed voice. “I want to travel back in time, take you back to Earth in nineteen ninety-four… wake up in our bed with you in my arms, and… make all those tears unshed.”

Helena closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his for a second.

“John?” Bob asked next.

The man on his left nodded briefly. “I’m okay!” he murmured without looking up.

Bob said nothing, just kept looking at him, patiently, expectantly. Finally, John cleared his throat. “It’s… not easy.” His voice sounded husky and strained. Before he said any more, he reached for the steaming cup in front of him and took a few drinks, swallowing slowly and carefully. After placing the cup back on the table, he sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know how to describe this… this…” He broke off, looking helpless.

“… mixture of feelings?” Sarafena said softly.

John nodded gratefully, smiling lightly at the woman sitting opposite him.

“All right. Why don’t we start untangling that mixture of feelings, little by little,” Bob suggested. “What is the first thing that comes to your mind right now?” He turned his head slightly in the direction of Helena and Lee, while keeping his eyes questioningly fixed upon John.

“I’m… relieved!” John stated impulsively. “I’m relieved to see Lee with her. She needed him, and…” He straightened, meeting Lee’s look firmly as his voice got more powerful. “This time you didn’t give a sh… I mean, you didn’t care whether Bob would object or not. You held her when you felt she really needed it, and you didn’t let her go. You did exactly what I would have done.”

After having said this, he exhaled heavily and leaned back again. Both Helena’s and Lee’s eyes were resting on him. The trace of a warm smile appeared on Helena’s face, while Lee’s look revealed understanding and agreement.

“But?” Bob threw in casually.

John winced so slightly it was hardly noticeable, but his look that quickly returned to meet Bob’s revealed he felt caught. “It’s…” he began, making a dismissive gesture. “It’s nothing important.”

“Is it… seeing us?” Lee asked cautiously. “When you see Helena and me together like this – I figure it still makes you feel… uncomfortable.” His voice sounded a bit uneasy, but he looked at John openly.

“No, it’s not that. I… I admit it still feels a bit awkward, but it’s nothing compared to what I experienced when you first came here.” He returned Lee’s open look. “It’s okay. I can deal with the sight of you embracing your wife.” His look included Helena as well. Relief and gratitude were visible in her eyes that silently rested on him.

Bob nodded slowly, watching the couple in front of him, then turned back to the man on his left. “Then what is making you uncomfortable, John?”

Within a second, John’s expression turned as dark and unapproachable as before.

He was struggling with himself. It caused him great trouble to admit, even to himself, what kind of feelings were occupying his mind at the moment. He briefly considered simply refusing to talk about it. But his strong, reasonable self told him clearly that it would be a big mistake not to use this chance to speak openly about the memory that tortured him, the constant searing pain which was worse than anything he had ever experienced – even worse than the pain of losing Helena. He would have to reveal that pain, in order to be free from it eventually.

He opened his dry lips. “I’ve seen Helena only once… cry like that,” he said hesitatingly. “It was… on the day you came back from Terra Nova, Lee.” He looked at the man to his left. “The day I called you back.”

Lee nodded silently, returning John’s look. Helena folded her hands across her stomach, looking tense.

“I’ve tried to forget it,” John murmured, “but I can’t.” His look had wandered off to nowhere.

“Forget what?” Bob asked. “I really have to ask, because I wasn’t there at that particular moment. I understand we’re talking about the day you called Lee back from his exile on Terra Nova. Can you tell us more about it?”

Sarafena looked expectantly at John too.

John cleared his throat, staying silent for a while. “When Lee returned to Alpha,” he finally began, “We both went to Medical immediately. Helena was still recovering from her illness. I… hadn’t told her anything. I hadn’t told anybody.” He paused for a moment. “I entered Helena’s room first, to let her know everything was all right… that I wouldn’t try to send Lee away again.” He swallowed, then took a heavy breath. “I’ll never forget the way Helena looked at Lee when he entered the room. So much – hope, yearning, fear that he might disappear again… She burst into tears as he pulled her in his arms… She cried, Don’t go… and some more words I couldn’t understand.” He shook his head and fell silent.

Lee and Helena were both sitting motionlessly.

“It was…” John began, then broke off helplessly. He tried again. “It wasn’t until that moment that it suddenly dawned on me… what I had done. I can’t understand myself. How could I… How…” He shook his head again, and when he swallowed hard and covered his forehead with his hand, Bob realized he wouldn’t say any more for the moment.

There was silence.

Lee, Helena, and John were all staring in front of themselves, lost in their own thoughts and feelings.

Finally, Lee straightened up and looked at John. “The only thing that really counts,” he said, his voice sounding slightly hoarse, “is that you realized you made a mistake. You did call me back. You didn’t force me to fight for my return to Alpha.”

John listened quietly, not showing any reaction to the other man’s words.

“Lee,” Bob turned to him. “Considering what happened that time, how does it make you feel now – living on Alpha, talking to John, seeing him almost every day?”

Lee was silent for a moment, his eyes resting on John, then he turned to Bob. “I admit… in the beginning, when I first came here, I doubted we would ever be friends. No wonder!” He gave a wry grin. “When John sent me back to Terra Nova, it didn’t really come as a surprise to me. I’d been expecting something like that to happen since the day of my arrival – I only hoped he wouldn’t actually go that far.” He broke off, frowning. Then he went on. “I knew it was pointless to try and fight at that moment. All we could do was accept the situation, as hard as it was.” He sighed. “I… tried to deal with it rationally. I concentrated on what I knew about John, what I had learnt about him; I tried to see him through the eyes of the other Alphans. And so, I… somehow managed to trust in his character. I kept telling myself that finally John’s good side would get the better of him. I was prepared to return to Alpha by force if necessary, but I truly hoped I wouldn’t have to. I hate violence. And, fortunately, no violence was necessary in the end.”

He paused, frowning again, still caught up in the memory of those days just a few months ago. “I was very worried about Helena,” he said in a low voice. “As hard as it was for me, I felt it was even harder for her.” He glanced at his wife who was silently listening beside him. “Helena… was under much more pressure than I was. Even though I was angry at John for what he did to us…” He glanced at John before turning back to Bob, “… at the same time, as a man, I could put myself in John’s place better than she could have as a woman.”

John seemed to slowly recover from a trance when he raised his head and glanced at Lee. The two men silently looked at each other.

“It’s… painful,” John finally said, having trouble to speak. “Being hurt is painful, but having hurt someone dear is much more painful.”

“Then you know how I feel, John.” Everybody looked up as Helena suddenly spoke again. There was sadness in her eyes.

John met her look. They held each other’s gaze for a while without saying anything. Finally, John opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again and shook his head.

“You both feel the guilt of having hurt someone dear,” Bob stated. “John, Helena – did you two ever have a clarifying talk about guilt and forgiving?”

Both John and Helena looked a bit tense as they faced Bob, then exchanged glances, almost shyly.

“We…” John cleared his throat. “We had a… brief talk just after Lee had come back… after I had called him back. Here in Medical, at Helena’s bed. All three of us.”

“We realized we still want to be friends,” Helena added quietly. “And that it’s important for us to get along with each other – John and me, and… Lee and John.”

Lee nodded slowly, gazing pensively at the teacup in his hands.

Letting his look wander across the three people in front of him, Bob sensed an air of uneasiness mixed with concern, sadness, loneliness, and shame. John and Helena obviously had trouble talking about their guilt, facing the fact how much they hurt the other person. He carefully thought about how to guide them through this difficult, rough and painful part of the session, when he noticed Helena was pressing her hand to her stomach, looking very pale and exhausted.

“I think you need a break, love.” Lee looked at her with a worried frown.

Helena hesitated to answer.

“I guess we could all use a break,” John suggested, looking from Helena to the others. “What do you think, Bob, Sarafena?”

“I agree. It’s way past noon, and I think we’d all better get something to eat and a little rest,” Bob said, noticing the quick glance of gratitude Lee gave John.

Sarafena smiled and got up, joining her husband.

Helena looked a bit relieved when she got up too. The group decided to meet again one hour and a half later.

                               *~*~*~*

“Please call me John. It doesn’t make much sense for me to be called Commander when I’m not supposed to be the commander right now,” John said with a wry grin, standing by the door with a fresh cup of tea in his hand.

Sarafena smiled at him. “That’s true… John. You’re supposed to be just yourself for a change.”

“Without any duties – and without any commlock!” Bob added with a twinkle in his eye, looking up from the notes he had taken earlier.

“Yes, sir!” John sighed, then turned around as he heard the door slide open. Helena and Lee entered the room.

“How do you feel, Helena?” Sarafena asked, approaching the couple.

“Much better!” Helena smiled. She looked well rested, and more relaxed than before. “I slept like a baby for one hour!”

Lee chuckled softly. “I was just about calling Bob to tell him we’ll have to go on without you…” He winked at Sarafena and John.

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you! Talking about me behind my back…” She gave her husband a teasing nudge, and everybody chuckled, including Bob who finally closed his notepad and put it back on the table.

“Good to see you all so refreshed!” he grinned. “Now, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to be a spoilsport – but we’ve still got a lot of work ahead of us. Ready to go on?”

Everybody looked a little sheepish as they nodded and murmured their agreement, except Sarafena who smiled and comfortably settled on the sofa next to her husband.

“You changed the chairs, Bob,” Lee remarked as he and Helena sat down on their sofa again. It was the only place to sit that had not been changed. The single chairs used by John, Bob, and Sarafena before the break were gone, and had been replaced by two sofas offering space for at least two people to sit comfortably.

“Yes, I did. Since this is a very long meeting we’re having, I wanted to be prepared for all kinds of different needs – like changing seats, lying down… whatever,” Bob replied.

“Well, it is more comfortable, I admit! Quite luxurious, in a way,” John said with a light grin, leaning back in the sofa he occupied.

“Good! Now, I’d like to start the same way as we did at the beginning: Tell me what comes to your mind right now, spontaneously. Sarafena, why don’t you start this time?”

“Okay! Let’s see…” Sarafena paused for a moment. “First of all, I’ve noticed the atmosphere is a lot more relaxed than it was before the break. It feels good.” She smiled, looking around. “But I also notice everybody tensing up again, now, as the session continues. That’s only natural, I guess.”

Lee nodded. “Part of me still fells uncomfortable with the whole situation… insecure, and anxious about what’s coming next,” he admitted. “But I still feel a lot easier than this morning, when I felt reminded of… you know.”

Helena drew a deep breath. “Honestly, I… feel a bit like running away,” she said softly. “I already feel like I’ve used much more energy than I do when standing in the operating room all day long. But I know this is important.”

“Yes, it is,” John murmured. “I don’t like it. But I understand it’s necessary.”

Bob nodded, glancing at the three people in front of him. He had not forgotten what they had been talking about – or had tried to talk about – just before they decided to take a break. But he didn’t want to put any pressure on anybody. The course of the talk had to be natural, with him only offering some guidance out of the background whenever necessary.

“All those memories…” Helena said almost in a whisper. “I’ve tried to put them away. I’ve been trying for a long time, and I succeeded – at least consciously. At night, they caught up with me in my dreams. And they still do. I… hope it will start getting better after this session. At least a bit.”

“I hope so too,” Lee said softly.

“And you know, Helena,” Bob remarked, “that it can only start getting better if you talk about your memories – not only your dreams, but also about what happened in reality. We’ve already started doing that a bit earlier, when you told us about your vision of Lee’s accident. Now, why don’t we have a look at the other memory that keeps haunting you at night, as you told us. It’s about what happened on Terra Nova, right? When you were all alone there?”

Helena nodded, taking a deep breath.

“Of course,” Bob added, “we all know what happened there from your reports, but nobody of us was actually there – except you, John, Lee, and the rest of the landing party, who remember nothing except a chain reaction of many terrible accidents, which seemed to have been wiped out only seconds later, as if nothing had happened. And from you, Helena, we know that Lee had something to do with the reversing of the situation. We may know the facts, but what about your own personal experiences? It is obvious that what happened on the planet…” He looked at Helena, Lee, and John one after the other, “touched each one of you differently, and had a lasting effect on you. It had consequences – important consequences – on your actions since that day. I think it would be a good idea if we returned to Terra Nova Day once more – this time focussing on the events that took place on the planet, after the catastrophe.”

He paused, looking at his three patients again. They returned his look silently.

Finally, Lee began to speak. “It was… the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life,” he said quietly, hesitantly. “I… had to send Helena away. She was there… desperate, full of pain and fear…” He swallowed, pausing for a second. “I couldn’t take it. All I wanted to do was hold her, wipe off her tears… and never let her go again. But obviously, that was impossible. Even the slightest touch was dangerous. I shouldn’t have put my arms around her, but I couldn’t help it…” Agony and yearning were reflected in his eyes as the memory emerged inside him, but his expression changed when he looked aside, noticing that Helena was holding his hand. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, and when Lee turned back to the group to continue speaking, he appeared more relaxed. “I had to let Helena go so she could survive,” he said softly. “And to help her get her world back into place, I had to leave.”

A moment of silence followed. Then Sarafena spoke. “That was the last time you saw Helena? Until you came back to Alpha?” she asked.

Lee nodded. “I had to return to my antimatter environment immediately after I had told Helena to leave,” he replied. “The matter environment I had created for Helena and the others would only last long enough for them to leave the planet safely, but for me it would have been fatal to stay a minute longer.”

“So you were alone again, Helena? How did you find the others?” Sarafena asked, looking at her friend with sympathy.

“I wasn’t alone,” Helena said quietly. She glanced at John, who returned her look. Hesitantly at first, but soon getting absorbed, they began to recount their experience together.

December 1999

Helena closed her eyes as Lee gently enfolded her in his arms. She didn’t dare to breathe, for fear she might wake up any minute and it had all been just a dream. His cheek rested against hers, and for a split-second time and space didn’t exist anymore, she was with him, together. Then she heard his soft voice. “See what you want to see.”

Before Helena’s rational self had even time to figure out what those words meant, she felt a strong, overwhelming wish, an all-consuming longing welling up inside her, flooding her heart and soul, materializing in a single desperate thought: Everything back as it was!

Lee slowly let her go and moved away from her, and she felt confused, looking around - to see the landscape around her all fresh and new again… reborn.

Unbelievingly, she stepped away from her husband, walking a few steps into the new world that seemed to welcome her. She turned around to call out her excitement to Lee – and saw John walking up to her. John! Alive!... Her heart leapt with joy and relief. She ran up to him and laid her hands on his arms, hoping it was really him standing in front of her alive and well, not just some cruel hallucination. He returned her cautious, soft embrace as they exchanged a delighted smile.

Then Helena looked around. “Where’s Lee?”

John stared at her, puzzled. “What did you say?”

“Lee! He was just here, talking to me, explaining what happened.” She frowned and walked back the path she had come from, looking around searching the area. “Where did he go?... Lee? Lee, where are you?” she called.

John took hold of her hand and turned her to face him. He looked very concerned. “Helena, are you all right?”

“Of course I’m all right!” she said a bit impatiently. “I just don’t understand why Lee disappeared. He can’t be far though.” She turned away from him and continued searching, calling her husband’s name.

John stopped her again. “Helena,” he said softly, laying his hands on her shoulders. “Look, I know this is difficult for you. Today has been a very hard day for you. But you have to realize now…” He held her shoulders more tightly. “… that Lee is dead.”

To his surprise, Helena smiled. “No,” she said softly, shaking her head. “He isn’t dead, John. He just explained it all to me. Matter never dies. It just changes its form. Lee didn’t die, John. He is still here. He lives on this planet.”

John looked into her eyes as he listened to her, and even though he didn’t feel comfortable hearing her words, he knew she was telling the truth. It confused him and made sense to him at the same time. As she spoke, his memory returned. He saw flashes of terrible things happening. He remembered life draining out of him as he tried talking to Helena who was bending over him, staring at him wide-eyed, horror struck, before everything turned dark around him…

“He warned us,” he murmured. “He tried to keep us from coming here… oh my God… oh my God, what did I do…”

“John.” Helena put her hand on his arm as she tried to catch his eyes again. “It was hard for you to believe him, because he couldn’t make himself clear while being on Alpha. When he talked to me right here, he was totally different – exactly the way I’ve always known him. This is his natural environment,” she explained. “But it’s not our natural environment. We have to get out of here before the destruction starts all over again. We can’t… live in his world, and he can’t live in ours,” Helena said in a whisper, turning pale as she suddenly understood. “But that means… Lee…” Pain began to cloud her eyes. She gazed at a vacant spot in the landscape surrounding her, searching, waiting, even though she knew it was pointless.

John looked at her, shaking his head in concern and puzzlement, still not completely understanding what had happened.

“He… reversed the situation,” she tried to explain, as the pain in her eyes got deeper. “He had the power to set things right. He asked me to see what I wanted to see… and I saw everything back as it was… You are here, alive and well, and the others too, I’m sure; the moon is back in the sky, everything around us is just like before. But Lee… he can’t come back.”

John wasn’t sure if Helena was still talking to him, or even realizing he was still there. Her eyes didn’t seem to perceive him. All they reflected was a helpless attempt to accept a devastating fact.

“He can’t come back… No matter how much I wish for it, he can’t live in our world.” Her voice broke, but she fought with all her might to stay in control of her emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. She closed her eyes, fighting a silent battle. She had to retain her composure. She could not afford to let herself go now. She would not be tossed around by her emotions again.

John had already recovered from his own shock. For a fleeting moment he was grateful for his routine and strong will that allowed him to cope with critical situations like this.

His role as commander of the moon base, his responsibility for all the people up there, including Helena, slid onto him like a supportive corset – or an armour.

He took her hand, leading her away, back to the pond. Helena followed him willingly. The familiar numbness had enfolded her again, keeping all emotions at bay.

“We can’t stay here, John,” she said looking at him, more to convince herself than him. John nodded and contacted Alan through his commlock.

During the whole flight back to the base, Helena was sitting upright like a statue in her seat, saying nothing, just staring into space. Sandra who was sitting next to her shyly touched her hand once. “Are you all right, Dr. Russell?” she asked softly.

Helena turned to her and nodded, trying hard to smile while she was sure it must look like a grimace. Sandra tried to return her smile, but sighed silently when she turned back. Helena knew John had briefly informed Paul, Alan, and Sandra about all that happened on the planet, but she was well aware that the young woman still had a lot of questions. She couldn’t bring herself to talk about it yet, and maybe she never would. She appreciated Sandra’s unobtrusiveness and silent understanding. As soon as the Eagle touched down, she hurried back to her duties in Medical Center, grateful for the chance to bury herself in work, work, and more work.

April 2001

After finishing their account, John and Helena gratefully accepted the tea Sarafena poured them. They drank, both lost in their thoughts again, without looking at each other.

“At the end of that day,” Helena said after a while, her eyes fixed upon the teacup in front of her on the low table, “I told myself I had to… let go of Lee.” She quickly glanced at her husband beside her, who was listening silently. “It didn’t work,” she added in a low voice. “After all those years, I had seen him again, talked to him… touched him. How could I simply accept the fact that he was lost to me forever?” She drew a deep breath and turned to her husband again. “My head, my reasonable self told me I had to let you go at last. I knew I had to give you up, but emotionally I couldn’t.”

Lee watched her as she spoke. He listened to her without interrupting, his arm behind her on the backrest. They had talked about this subject before, but never in that much detail, and never in a situation like this, with other people listening and participating – among them someone who was directly involved in the conflict Helena was describing. Her eyes met John’s for a second, then turned back to Lee.

“It had all begun much earlier – this contradiction in what I was doing and feeling,” she tried to explain. “After Astro Seven, all my dreams of a life with you were shattered. But still, I couldn’t give you up. All those years you were away, there was no single day I didn’t wish you back… and wish you back and wish you back. But I kept telling myself I had to let go of the past and start a new life.” She paused for a second, gazing at her hands. “My new position on Moonbase Alpha appeared to be just the chance I needed. And when I met John…” She paused again, looking a bit insecure. Everybody was silent, looking at her, waiting for her to go on. “Something happened,” she said hesitantly. “Something I never expected to happen. I was feeling… happier than I had been in a very long time. But after Terra Nova Day…” She shook her head slightly, then her eyes met her husband’s. “The conflict inside my soul got worse. On the one hand, I acted as if I had indeed let you go. I got deeper and deeper involved with John, trying hard to banish you from my heart. But on the other hand, you were more there than ever before. You kept appearing in my dreams, in my thoughts…”

Bob watched Helena closely. She was obviously uncomfortable, her look restless. She turned her head slightly as if to glance in John’s direction, but then gazed at the floor again, hesitating to go on.

“What is troubling you right now, Helena?” Bob asked. “Don’t be afraid to voice it.”

Helena took a deep and heavy breath, her eyes still cast down. “I… don’t want to cause any more pain,” she said in a low voice.

“You fear that what you have to say will hurt both John’s and Lee’s feelings,” Sarafena stated softly. As Helena nodded, she took the other woman’s hand in hers. “Don’t feel guilty,” she said gently.

Helena raised her head and gave the woman beside her a quick smile. She gratefully squeezed her hand, then let it go. Her look wandered to the man sitting opposite her. “There’s something I need you to know, John,” she said softly. John raised his head too to meet her look.

“I need you to know I don’t regret anything,” Helena said, her voice a bit firmer now. “I don’t regret having been with you, John. It was…” She searched for the right word. “Without you, I would have turned into a cold, bitter, old hag. I was almost there. I was… petrified by all the pain and loneliness.” She paused for a second, then looked into his eyes again. “It took somebody like you to get me out of there,” she said softly. “Only you could make the ice melt.”

John swallowed. “But in the end,” he said hoarsely, “I didn’t bring you any happiness.”

“That’s not true, John,” Helena said softly. “You did make me happy. It’s just… that we weren’t meant for each other.”

John heaved a deep sigh and nodded. “If you and I had married, as I had wished for,” he said, his voice still hoarse, “you would never really have been my wife. In your heart, you would always have been married to Lee, and Lee only.” He turned his head to look at the man to his left. “You came back just in time to keep Helena and me from making a big mistake.”

Lee simply looked at him pensively, without interrupting him.

John sighed again, staring in front of himself. “I hoped…” He cleared his throat. “I hoped that Lee was a bastard. I hoped he was a jerk who made you cry, who disappointed you, hurt you… whatever. I wanted to save you from him. But he didn’t do me that favour.” He gave a short, bitter laugh. “He dared making you happy. I couldn’t believe it. You were… shining when you were with him.” He looked up again, fixing his eyes upon the couple in front of him. “And even now, in this… goddamn room!... Sorry, Bob,” he mumbled contritely, then continued. “Even now, I can feel it. It’s visible to anyone. You two belong together, and there is no force in the whole universe that can keep you apart. You have proved it.”

There was silence again as everybody let John’s words sink in.

“Lee didn’t hurt you,” John began speaking again. “Instead, I hurt you. I probably hurt you more than I’ve ever hurt anyone.” He broke off, swallowing hard. “I always… brought nothing but pain to the women I loved. Jean… might still be alive today if I hadn’t driven her away by my insufferable behaviour.” He closed his eyes for a second, an expression of deep to