Birth Day

Breakaway + 6 years

Some people tried to forget, some people kept busy, others became quietly drunk. Small groups of friends gathered for mutual support.  A small but growing faith community held services during the hour. Others just sat in solitude and remembered.  It was the day that no easily spoke of, but of which every adult Alphan was acutely aware.

Sandra was distractedly trying to prepare a small party.

The first year, everything had still been too raw to have a proper day of remembrance. The years following had scattered efforts to formalize events, but there was no group consensus on what was most appropriate or even what to call it. How does one commemorate the loss of a way of life, and possibly the death of a whole world? Months and seasons had become meaningless, and many had resorted to simply keeping track of the count of days. Perhaps settling on a planet, which was certain to have a year of a different length than Earth, would allow the original Alphan’s to forget that painful date. Sandra wasn’t so sure.

For now, it was easier to concentrate on making sure one small Alphan had a special moment to celebrate her first birthday.

Sandra stood very deep in thought, looking down at her sleeping daughter. Danae was limp in the sleep of an afternoon nap. While feeling much stronger since the delivery of Roberto Verdeschi eight weeks prior, she still tired easily and would occasionally find herself lost in reflection, especially now. She had been released to semi-full duty by Helena, but was grateful for the extra occasional day off she was granted as she recuperated from her twenty-five week ordeal.

She had juggled her schedule to have today off so that she could cover Command Center tomorrow along with Alan.   She and Alan were among those who dealt with the day best by keeping busy and occupied.  Maya had arranged to have tomorrow off so that she could spend it with Tony.  He never dealt with the anniversary well at all, although Sandra hoped it would be easier on him now that he had Maya and Roberto.  The Commander and Helena had to be free to make the requisite appearances at the few ‘official’ events.

Attempting to again deliberately shift mental gears, Sandra tried to concentrate on the small birthday party they would have tomorrow evening after the night watch had taken over.  So deep in thought over so many things, Sandra did not hear the door chirp open and then close.

Alan saw Sandra in the back room and realized that she was lost in memories.  Well, he had found himself the same on recent occasion, and probably for much the same reason.   No matter how busy he tried to stay, memories kept intruding.  After briefly fussing with his commlock, he took off his jacket and belt and laid them on the back of a chair. He quietly walked up behind Sandra and started to nibble along her neck. He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against him. He was delighted when she relaxed and angled her neck for more extensive nibbling. Alan happily obliged.  He released his grasp slightly when Sandra pirouetted to face him and then put her arms around his neck to pull him down closer for a kiss.  After a very satisfying few moments, and a quick glance at the sleeping toddler, Alan took her hand and led her out to the main room.  Sandra set Computer to monitor the toddler’s respiration and to summon them for any changes, and then turned to face him.  He took off her commlock, set it on private mode to avoid any inopportune interruptions, and then placed it on the table. He had already done the same with his.  He undid her belt and let it fall to the floor as he slid his hands under her uniform top to enjoy the warmth of her bare skin.  Sandra seemed willing and eager to follow his lead.   As he held her close and felt her hands caress him, Alan felt a wave of relief as Sandra acted her old self.  The terrible fatigue of that difficult last pregnancy had almost passed and she had regained the weight she had lost.  Although very slender, she had curves again in all the right places.  It was so very good to have the old Sahn back.  He paused to simply look into her beautiful eyes. He again kicked himself for taking so long to actually tell her he loved her.  He had lost years.  And here pilots were supposed to be able to take decisive action. Yeah, right, Carter.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Quite well, actually. I was just… thinking."

"I know. It never gets much easier.”

"No."

Alan turned the lights down, and with one last look to make sure Danae was still asleep, led his best friend and lover to their bedroom where they could, for a while, forget about tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~

Maya walked though the hushed corridors, her arms cradling a silent Roberto.  Although the lighting and temperature never changed on Alpha, today there was a definite shadow cast over the all too familiar white corridors.  People were introspective, and some even wore black bands around the upper left arms.  The only happy sound was the occasional laughter of a toddler padding down a corridor accompanied by a solemn parent or caretaker.  Maya knew that Helena and the others in Medical were keeping a close watch on everyone, but especially those with a tendency toward depression.  Two years ago there had been a suicide attempt; thankfully, it failed.  Self-murder was not a concept that Maya understood.  Life was too special to end without valid reason.

At Alan’s request, Maya was heading toward Command Center to check on Sandra.  Maya knew Alan always worried a little over Sandra on this day, although Maya felt that it was unnecessary.  She adjusted her hold on Roberto so she could reach for her commlock to open the door.  She would have some time to visit her quiet friend before Alan returned from his self-appointed run to check on NDA 1 and the huge crater that was the site of the former NDA 2.  He had said he was ‘off to visit friends,’ the ones who hadn’t made it back that day.   Maya was uncertain if he meant that literally, or with the irony of the language she almost understood.  In any case, perhaps, this would provide her the opportunity to ask her question. 

Command Center was empty of all but Sandra.  Maya knew she had deliberately chosen to put off quite a bit of system ‘housekeeping’ chores until now to keep herself productively occupied.  Deep in the tasks she had appointed herself, Sandra started with surprise when Maya gently touched her shoulder. Sandra turned around and smiled to see Roberto carried in Maya’s arms.

“Would you like company?” Maya asked. The Psychon was always sensitive to her friends’ moods on this day. Although she had not joined them until much later, she understood the trauma of losing a homeworld. And although she never spoke of it, she had always considered her fellow Alphans lucky in that they could grieve together.

“Certainly,” smiled Sandra as she accepted a happy Roberto and gave him a welcome snuggle.  Maya knew that Sandra, like the other Alphans, was amazed and a little unnerved to see Roberto’s rapid development.  While only eight weeks old, developmentally he was closer to a Terran infant of five months.  Maya tried to reassure and explain that it was a survival advantage on a planet where her kind had once, long ago, been a prey species.   She felt that by the time he was walking, the rate of development would settle down to a slower, Terran, pattern.   And although she had not been on Alpha to see it happen, Maya understood that the events surrounding Jackie Crawford’s birth still loomed large in Alpha’s collective memory.

Maya had once tried to tell a very ill, pregnant Sandra what little she knew of Psychon pregnancy and development, but Sandra had fallen into an exhausted, restless sleep.  Maybe one day soon they could talk about the experience they had in common, Maya thought touching her barely gravid abdomen, but not today. 

Sandra looked up at Maya. “Where’s Tony?” she asked.

“Making final arrangements for tonight,” explained Maya, seating herself at her own station and taking a quick look at the monitors.

As the comment registered on Sandra, she quickly looked up at Maya.  “It is only a child’s party,” she protested.

Maya looked up and had to laugh; Sandra wore such a worried expression.  “I promise Tony will behave himself.  It has been a good distraction for him.”   Maya paused to think for a moment.  “Not quite as good as last year, it is true, but it will do.  You can’t very well give birth on this day every year!”  The women laughed together softly.

Watching Sandra play with Roberto, Maya considered that this might be the right time to ask her question.  “Sandra, what was it like?  The day of Breakaway?  Tony will not speak of it, much."

Sandra was not quick to speak, but continued to play patty-cake with Roberto.  Maya wondered if she would choose not to answer, and turned back to her monitors to give Sandra a chance to consider.  

"I am not surprised.  His injuries were so severe that he was comatose for weeks and recovering for months afterward. Helena was not always certain he would survive. It was like…. he gave up." Sandra shrugged, still playing with Roberto.  She knew quite well what that felt like.

"Tony?" Maya was surprised. Tony was always very dynamic, very alive, around her.

Sandra nodded and looked over at Maya. "The loss of his family was very hard. If he had not had his faith, I am not sure he would have survived."

Tony was very discrete about it, but Maya knew he prayed to the Deity daily and observed his religious forms regularly. He had seemed almost embarrassed about doing so in Maya’s presence until she had expressed interest. While she made no claims to understand how Roman Catholic doctrine worked, she respected any sincere faith. The Holy Book of his faith had much wisdom that she could respect. Since her children would be half-Terran and raised among Terrans, she accepted that Terran religious beliefs would be theirs. That there were many religious beliefs always startled her. But, even if the forms differed, she believed in the Deity and knew Tony did, too.   She was enough of a pragmatist to accept that Tony’s interpretation would most likely prevail.   However… she refused to accept the notion of women being excluded from religious leadership, and Tony had had to accept that.   Tidily filing these thoughts away for later review, Maya returned to her question.   "You were in Command Center?" she asked Sandra.

"Main Mission."   Maya nodded her acceptance of the correction. "Yes… it was… surreal. No one could really comprehend what was happening, except perhaps Professor Bergman.  The science behind the events was not well understood.   The gravitation forces were incredible.  We were held crushed against the ground and could hardly breathe. Some lost consciousness.   It seemed to last forever."   Sandra was starring off into the distance and into the past, her sentences short and her breaths quickening with remembered fear.  "Alan barely made it back to Alpha. When we realized that we could not return home, everyone became….." Sandra had to search for the right word, "…. numb. The next few weeks were spent much like it was after the Moonquake.   Simply surviving and putting Alpha in order.  It was even harder then, I believe.  No one knew if we could survive. Without the Commander’s faith in us, I do not believe many would have tried."

Maya had read the reports of the events of that first year, and had even heard the recollections of several Alphans.  During the down time on her Eagle training flights, Bill Fraser or Alan were usually willing to share memories.   Helena would sometimes reminisce, but rarely Tony or the Commander.  She had rarely discussed that time with Sandra.  From what little Alan would say, Sandra’s memories were tied up with Paul Morrow and it had only been recently that she could look dispassionately upon that relationship.  Maya hoped that these experiences would be shared with the children. It was their heritage.

Maya’s curiosity demanded the next question. "Do you share Tony’s faith?"

"No, not really.  My family was not very observant. My parents believed in a little of this, a little of that.  I suppose, you could say Anglican Christian as well as anything."

"Is that like Catholic Christian?" asked a confused Maya.

"A bit, but a little more progressive."

"Less ‘stuffy’?" asked Maya, attempting to use an Alphanism she had learned from Helena.

"Yes," smiled Sandra, "less ‘stuffy’. Although, after attending services in Canterbury, I am not sure this is precisely true.”  The latter was said very quietly, and mostly to herself.

"And Alan?"

"I suppose the same, but knowing Alan, much less ‘stuffy’."   The women again laughed quietly.

Sandra looked directly at her.  “I do not think I have ever told you, Maya, but you have been very good for Tony. For a while we worried that we would lose him to depression or alcohol.  He became very cynical and focused on work, or else locked himself in his quarters with that still.  He refused all offers for help.  I have often thought the Commander offered him the position as second to give him new purpose.  He was simply too good to lose needlessly.”

Maya looked down and murmured something polite.  She always felt it had been Tony who had helped her. Maybe they were just meant to be together.  Sandra and Maya sat quietly, each in her own thoughts, Roberto watching the solemn faces of the women. Maya sensed that Sandra might be willing to talk more. “You and Alan…”

“No, we were not ‘meant’ for one another,” Sandra said, eerily echoing Maya’s thoughts. “Not like Bill and Annette. That was a couple who was obvious since Breakaway. Even Helena and the Commander… the rest of us knew, quite probably before they did.

“Alan and I were friends. We had been co-workers, on and off, for years here on Alpha, but if it had not been for Breakaway, we would have gone our separate ways.”  Maya thought that would have been sad.  Each obviously cared deeply for the other.  “After Breakaway, well, we had other interests, but remained friends. ‘Mates,’ as he would say. Alan has a need to help people, and after that first year, I did need that.” Sandra had a small, sad smile on her face as she cuddled Roberto. Maya nodded.  Sandra had told her a little about that time back when they had been trapped together over a year ago in OutLab 2.  She knew that Sandra had slipped into a severe depression after a brutal series of personal loses.

“It took years, but Alan was persistent. I finally realized that the friendship he offered could be much more.”  There was another pause as Sandra thought back.  Roberto reached up and touched her face gently, causing Sandra to smile as she kissed his tiny outstretched fingertips.  Maya knew Sandra would always have a special tie with this child she had carried through pregnancy.   She waited patiently, again suspecting there was more to be said.  Sandra rarely spoke of herself so freely.  Her patience was rewarded when Sandra looked up again. “In a strange way, Maya, Breakaway has made relationships stronger. We must work with each other, understand each other, and forgive each other. There are so few of us. Relationships were casual on Earth, even marriages.

“I love Alan.  Perhaps not with the overwhelming passion some have, but with a depth of caring I have never felt for any other. We complement each other. He is truly my best friend.”  And with a wicked gleam in her eye that Maya seldom ever saw, Sandra added, “He is quite good in bed, too.”

The moment was broken when the door opened and Alan walked in followed just a moment later by Tony. Tony walked over to Sandra and gave her a small kiss on the cheek as he picked up his son.   Tony had told Maya that he had always regarded Sandra fondly, but now held her in the highest esteem for what she had endured for Roberto’s sake.  Alan laughingly threatened to swat Tony for his impudence, but seemed to accept the gesture for its intent.  Tony held his hand out to Maya and she rose to take it gladly.   “See you at the party,” Tony called back over his shoulder as they walked out.  

Maya had much to consider.

Alan watched Tony walked out of Command Center hand in hand with Maya, looking more relaxed than Alan had ever seen him on this date.  Command Center again became quiet.  There were some background computer noises and the whirring of the air ventilation system, but other than that it was as quiet as a church.  Sandra smiled at him, welcoming his company, and then returned to the backlog of files she was sorting through.  Alan walked over to the Eagle Ops station pulling Maya’s empty chair behind him.  He sat down, propping his feet upon the conveniently placed chair.  He watched Sandra work at her console.  She had an economy of movement which Alan respected.  He never did like to fly with pilot’s who flapped their arms all over a cockpit.  He watched her for a while, quickly and deftly sorting, assigning or reassigning whatever it was she was working on.  Sandra may not have had David Kano’s amazing empathy with Computer, but her ability to recognize patterns and to organize data allowed her to wind her way through Computer’s labyrinthine systems to meet hers, or anyone else’s, needs.  There was little she could not find if it was in there.  She was also simply nice to watch.  His sister would have liked Sandra, he thought. 

Lynne Carter had usually been very critical of Alan’s dates, in the manner only a younger sister can accomplish without risking permanent retribution.  ‘Blond, busty and brainless’ was among the kindest things she had ever said, and Alan had to admit she was usually correct. After she credentialed as a trauma nurse, Lynne had felt no need to limit her observations to the merely superficial.  ‘Not enough neurons to have a seizure’ became another of her favorites.  Alan chuckled at the memory, although this was most certainly not a problem for Sandra.

“I think you would have liked my kid sister, Sahn.  She flew our small airplane all over the cattle station and eventually joined the Royal Flying Doctor Service as part of their medical rescue team.” 

“Lynne?”  They had given her name to Danae as a middle name.

“Yeah.  I tried to get her interested in coming to Alpha, but she chose to get married and have kids.”  Alan shrugged his belated acceptance of that decision.  “Her husband Corey even got her to limit her flying once the kids arrived.  She was pregnant again and working at a hospital in Canberra at the time of Breakaway.”

Sandra stopped typing, turned to face him and asked, “How old was she?”  Unlike Sandra, he liked to reminisce out loud about his family, and Sandra was always a willing listener although she spoke little of her own family.  He regretted that he had so few photos to share with her. 

Alan had to pause to consider his answer.  He still had problems making up his mind in which tense to think of his family.  Only six years had passed on Moonbase Alpha since Breakaway, but with all the spacewarps and weird things that had happened, he knew centuries had passed on Earth.  Intellectually, he knew Lynne was dead and gone.  His heart still had her, Corey and their two and a half kids alive and well.  “About thirty-seven, now.”

Sandra nodded her head; she accepted the present tense. Alan knew she deeply wished her younger sister Julia alive and well, too.  “Julia would be about fifteen.  Just about ready to start flying lessons.”

“Runs in the family, huh?”  Alan asked with a wry grin that Sandra returned.  He had met Julia once at the Kennedy Space Center, but hadn’t realized then that the girl had been Sandra’s younger half-sister.  Sahn’s mother had been a commercial pilot and had taught her how to fly a small Cessna, although this was something he had learned only two months ago. 

They chatted on and off as the afternoon passed uneventfully.  Alan happily told Sandra all about his kid sister and their wild escapades on the family’s cattle station, his Aussie accent growing broader as the tales became wilder.

Sandra enjoyed hearing about Alan’s childhood.  It pleased her to see the joyful light in his eyes as he recalled all the misadventures he and Lynne got into and out of over the years.  Sandra thought that the two of them together must have given their mother pre-maturely grey hair.  It sounded as if Alan had had a wonderful family full of love and caring. 

Toward the end of the shift, Alan answered a call from the Commander checking in.   Sandra turned back to her console and opened the last unnamed file.  It turned out to be a stack of old e-mails from Earth that had never been reviewed.  The date on the file was September 13^th, 1999, twenty-five minutes before NDA 2 erupted.  Sandra sat stunned.  This must have been the last batch to make it through before Breakaway. 

Sandra felt a cold wind blow through her soul and leave her chilled to the marrow.  It was like touching the dead.  This mail drop held personal messages, not official ones which would have been sent on secure channels.  There were e-mails addressed to Bob Mathias, Carolyn Powell, Tanya Alexander, Laura Adams, and Helena Russell, as well as others still alive and long dead.  She scanned down the list.  One was addressed to Alan and marked double urgent.  With such a coding, it should never have been included with the routine mail, but that was an issue long past.  She was about to call him over when something stopped her.  She had a deep sense of foreboding.  She coded it for her box and quickly filed it away as Alan looked up to ask her a question.

“Sahn? I said, do you know where Danae is now?”  She looked up to see Alan’s puzzled face. “I thought Helena had her, but John just said the two of them were going to attend the memorial service.  They didn’t have any kids with them.”

“Helena took her this morning, but I believe Kevin Taylor is to watch her and Adam Collins for the afternoon,” answered Sandra distractedly.

Alan grunted an acknowledgement and turned away to reach for his commlock to confirm the whereabouts of his missing daughter.

Sandra pulled Alan’s e-mail back up.  She was about to do something that would have been inconceivable any other day, but that she felt, somehow, was the right thing to do today. Glancing quickly at Alan to make sure he was still occupied, she opened the message:

To:       Capt. Alan Carter, Moonbase Alpha

                                    From:   Dr. Corey Weber, Canberra, Australia

Please contact home ASAP.  Lynne in auto accident.  Her condition is critical with brain damage.  She has miscarried.  Mum and Dad need you.

 

Sandra was numb.  She heard Alan’s chair scrape against the floor as he stood up.  “Sahn, what’s wrong?  That’s the second time you haven’t answered me.”  She closed the file and turned to block the monitor with her body.  He had a worried expression on his face, worried for her.  Sandra didn’t know what to say, so she simply stepped into Alan’s arms and wrapped her arms around him.  Alan rested his chin on her head and held her tightly.

“It’s alright, love.  Today’s hard on all of us.  Kevin’s bringing Danae over and then we can all go get dinner once Alibe and Kate take over.  Tony told me he reserved the small recc center for Danae’s party.  We can go see what mayhem he’s planned.  He told me Maya kept shooting down his plans.”  Alan chuckled gently, rubbing her back.

“I know,” she said quietly into the front of Alan’s uniform.  Standing there with Alan worried about her, she made the decision that she could not and would not burden him with news he could do nothing about.  Let Lynne live in his memories.  She put her hands flat on Alan’s chest and leaned back to look up into his worried blue eyes. “I do love you, you know.”

“I know.”  And Alan gathered her close in his strong arms.

Holding Alan tightly, they stood together sharing companionable warmth until the door opened for Danae and Kevin Taylor.  He was one of Alan’s pilots who loved children, but had not yet had one of his own.  Sandra liked and trusted the calm Canadian.

Alan gently stepped away from her and walked over to pick up his delighted silver-haired daughter who was happily perched on Kevin’s hip, her small hand anchored onto the pilot’s shoulder-length black braid.

Alan did not see Sandra walk back to her desk, call up a short message, and then, with only a moment’s hesitation, firmly press delete. 

There was no need to add this grief to all the others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The small party was well attended by the Commander, Helena and Stephen as well as Tony, Maya and Roberto.  Frederick Alexander, the pediatric nurse, put in a brief appearance as did Bill and a very pregnant Annette Fraser.  Danae was almost overwhelmed by having so many of her favorite people pay attention to her, and laughed with delight when Maya presented her with a small, soft toy of her very own.

“What is that, Sahn?”  Alan whispered in Sandra’s ear as he looked at Maya’s and Tony’s gift.

“A horse, I believe.”   Danae’s gift was a small stuffed animal of the indistinguishable quadruped variety, made by Maya from leftover old beige uniforms scraps.  As far as Danae seemed to be concerned, it was perfect.

The sixth anniversary of the date once known as September 13^th, the date of the harsh birth of Alpha’s unlooked for independence, ended now on a quieter, happier note as the Command Staff of Moonbase Alpha watched one small Alphan chew happily on the leg of her birthday gift.  

Alpha’s future was alive and well.                                                                                       

MGK

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