Knowing What
to SayKnowing What
to SayBreakaway + 5 yrs, 10 mos
He rolled over in the bed and reached his arm out to touch… no one. The absence of a small warm body next to his woke him and he reached out to turn on the bedside lamp. He swung his feet over the edge and sat up, putting his head in his hands. What time was it? He reached over and fumbled for his commlock. 0200. Only an hour after he last checked. Well, it was no use. There was no way he would get rest tonight, not after the all they had been through in the past eighteen hours.
He stood and stretched, inhaling sharply as the pain from the newly broken right clavicle lanced through his upper chest. He stifled a curse; if he had only moved a little faster, those falling crates wouldn’t have caught him. Cradling that arm, he padded out of the bedroom and into the small room just adjacent. He left the door open so that the dim light could enter from outside. Good, at least the occupant of this room was getting rest. Her day had been just as long, and she couldn’t really understand the goings on, just that her small world had been turned upside down.
He reached out with his left hand to touch her sleeping body in wonderment. He gently brushed the silver hair from her face. This was what it was really all about. No matter how crazy their circumstances, no matter that they’d never find their way back home, as long as they had each other, Alpha could survive. If only Sandra were here, he also could get some rest. He felt guilty for leaving her alone in Medical Center.
Alan left Danae’s room and quietly returned to his own. He stretched out on Sandra’s side of the bed and pulled her pillow under his head; he could almost imagine that she was there. He closed his eyes and fell fitfully asleep.
He knew he was dreaming; the images of his family were too vivid. The family’s house looked like it did before the bush fires had burned the back rooms to the ground in ’83. His old black and white border collie, Mike, ran around chasing the ducks. Mum, Dad, his kid sister Lynne and older brother Keith were on the porch taking an afternoon break from the hot January sun. He could hear their voices laughing, but couldn’t quite make out the words. His folks looked young, not much older than he was now. His mother had her long, sun-blond hair in a braid and wore her usual jeans and faded cotton long-sleeved shirt. She was fanning her tanned face with her wide-brimmed hat. His dad was seated, leaning back in his chair, his booted feet propped up on the banister and his hat pulled low over his face. A cool beer was held in his dangling left hand. Lynne had her arms crossed over her chest in the attitude of affronted teenagers everywhere and was glaring at Keith. He couldn’t see Keith’s face, but the set of his shoulders was relaxed. His brother always did know how to get under Lynne’s skin. This must be around ‘81 or ‘82. Nah, it must be ’81… Keith had both his arms. Knowing he was dreaming, Alan walked toward to porch, trying to call out their names, wanting to tell them about Sandra and Danae.
The images shifted… the grounds around their home were quiet, much too quiet. It was cooler, more like June weather. The stockmen and his brother were out tending to the cattle and he and his sister were feeding the animals in the barn. Every so often, he could hear his mother cry out in pain, a sound that sent fear racing through his gut. He couldn’t help but remember Keith saying Mum was too old to be having another kid. Finishing with the animals, they sat in the shade of a gum tree just in sight of the house and their parent’s bedroom window. Lynne looked pale and scared with tears standing in her in pale blue eyes. She was only two years his junior, but looked a lot younger in her fear. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her over to lean on him. Finally, after an endless afternoon, his father and the midwife stepped out of the house. He and Lynne ran over to get the good news, but came to a halt when they saw the sad expressions on the grown-ups’ faces.
“I’m sorry. It just wasn’t meant to be this time,” the midwife looked sad but accepting. “I hate saying it’s for the best, but ….” She shrugged. She knew that Alan and Lynne had seen calves and foals born with problems that caused their deaths. The midwife laid gentle hands on their shoulders and then stepped away to her small airplane waiting on the dirt landing strip behind the barn.
He and Lynne turned to look at their father, who suddenly appeared much older than his forty-one years. His blue eyes were filled with too much grief. In a thick voice barely recognizable to his children, he finally spoke. “Come on, your mum needs you two.”
“Dad, what do we say?” asked Lynne, tears running down her face. Alan felt too numb to say anything.
“Nothing, love. Just be there for her.” Dan Carter but his arms around the shoulders of his two youngest and led them back inside.
He woke up in a drenching sweat. He had almost forgotten that his Mum had lost a baby. But then again, fifteen-year-old boys were awfully self-centered. Lynne would have argued that that never changed. Sandra hadn’t lost the baby, but she had given him over to his rightful parents, Maya and Tony. Not quite the same, he knew, but still…. Maybe he should have kept her company and spent the night in Medical Center. Helena had offered to keep Danae for the night, but it had been Sahn who had sent him with Danae back to their quarters for rest, saying Danae needed the comfort of routine.
He rolled over onto his left side and punched the pillow, partly in frustration. He wished he could ask his Mum or Lynne what to do right now. He had no idea what Sandra really needed from him. He snorted, no one in his family would believe it if they saw him now… married and with a daughter, and another child soon by another woman. That alone would have scandalized his folks. He had always been the confirmed bachelor, and had always told them that that was the way he wanted it. He drifted back to sleep….
The new member of Data Analysis he had met yesterday had the prettiest eyes he had ever seen. She wasn’t his usual type, to be certain, but there was something there that had caught his attention. He headed toward Main Mission. If anyone knew the specifics on the new Alphan, Paul Morrow would be the one. His reputation for noticing the pretty ladies almost rivaled his own. He entered the cavernous hub of daily operations which was noisy and busy, the background chatter from Earth Control ever-present. Earth could be seen through the direct vision ports in the walls. He found Paul standing at his station directing Eagle traffic and the lunar based missions. He walked over to Eagle Ops to greet the officer on duty and to wait the chance to catch Paul’s eye during a lull. He leaned against the control table, watching the finely tuned team work.
“G’day Paul, how’re things on Alpha?” Smiling at his friend, he held out his hand in greeting.
Paul smiled at the Australian casualness and shook the offered hand. “Busy, as always. Nice to see you back, Alan. The Commander’s in his office. He mentioned earlier that he had yet to see the ‘famous Lt. Carter.’ “
Alan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll go check in.” There was no love lost between the formal, status conscious and very by-the-book Commander and the pilot. He caught Paul’s warning glance. “Don’t worry, I’ll behave myself. No smuggling, I promise.”
Paul gave a very British snort. The episode with chocolate and wine had become legend.
“Hey, mate, what do you know of the new woman in Data Analysis?”
“Sandra Benes? We’re lucky to have her, for all she is smaller than the usual regs allow. We need the Interstellar Transmitter to expand our reach into space, but it is so cutting edge that there are only three people who are fully conversant in its programming. Dr. Benes refuses to leave Earth under any condition, the second person is too ill I’m told, so that leaves Sandra. She accepted the appointment and arrived seven days ago. She’s working with Ouma.”
“And?” He leaned in closer to encourage confidences.
Paul regarded him with a small smile that twitched up one side of his mustache. “She’s not married, not seeing anyone seriously and is very dedicated to her work.”
“Have you had any luck?” Alan asked in a spirit of friendly rivalry.
“No, but I haven’t given up yet.” Paul met the challenge, a serious edge to his words.
Alan nodded, mostly to himself. Maybe he’d give it a go. Unfortunately, now it was time to see the Commander….
The images shifted yet again, he was sitting in an Eagle, the moon sighted in the near distance against a field of black, Earth nowhere to be seen… Sandra sat in the co-pilot’s seat wrapped in an Alphan blanket covering the fur skin that was all her former captors would allow her. She had seemed fine when their fellow Alphan’s had first emerged from the mist returned to their normal selves, but now was distracted and shivering; reaction nerves he guessed. After the launch, she had come forward and asked if she could join him in the command module, and with his concurrence, had traded placed with Kano. She now sat completely still, except for the shivering.
“You alright, Sahn?” He kept darting worried looks over to her. He was growing increasingly concerned. She was acting like a woman who had been attacked,… or raped.
Sandra stayed quiet.
“Sandra, did anything happen down on Retha? Did anyone, well, hurt you?” he finished lamely.
Sandra looked over to him with large, haunted eyes. “No, Alan. I was scared, but not hurt, not the way you mean.” She turned back to look out the front of the Eagle.
He had a great desire to hold her and protect her, which he couldn’t do as long as he was responsible for flying this bird. He could trade off with Kano, but sensed that Sandra felt safer here up front than if they returned to passenger compartment where John, Helena and the others were. Maybe he could help her once they were back on Alpha.
The Eagle landed without incident and he helped the shivering Sandra up out of the low-mounted seat, picking her up and holding her against his chest. Her skin was warm to the touch, so he had been right; she wasn’t shaking from any sense of being cold. She briefly clasped his arm and leaned against him, but then pushed herself upright and stood as the door behind them opened to Helena’s commlock. The doctor regarded the scene curiously, but made no comment.
“Sandra, I would like to examine you in Medical. Can you make it on your own?”
“Yes, Doctor.” Alan frowned. He knew Sahn reverted to formality in times of stress.
Sandra spared him a look of gratitude and passively followed Helena out. He followed as quickly as he could, shutting down the Eagle in record time, but when he reached the boarding tube he found Paul holding Sandra tightly and turning her away from him. Paul sent him a look that was easy to read … leave off.
Alan turned over in bed, ignoring the pain in his shoulder. If only he could have known how badly Paul was going to hurt Sandra, he never would have backed off after their return from Retha. He might have been able to save her from years of grief. The noise he made unaware at the thought of Paul Morrow was almost a growl. Might-have-beens were hell. He reached for his commlock again. 0315. He closed his eyes, wishing the night to pass. If only Danae weren’t so soundly asleep in the next room, he’d take her and head back to Medical Center. He fell into a restless doze, still seeing Sandra’s face when she realized that Paul had left her for Tanya and Pyxidea.
Alan felt gentle hands touch his shoulders, his back, tracing familiar feather-light patterns on his bare skin. He heard a familiar voice whispering in his ear.
“Alan.”
The voice finally broke through his guilt. Paul’s defection was years past. And given the laws of relativity, he and the others were quite probably dead by now.
“Sandra,” he breathed out in relief as he rolled over onto his back to prove the reality of her voice to his doubting mind. “How’d you get out of Med Center?”
She brushed her fingertips against his lips, quieting his questions with a touch. She leaned down to brush her lips against his and then curled up against his warm side, pulling over them both the blanket he must have kicked off. “I simply told Ed Spencer that I felt fine and would sleep much better in my own bed.”
He felt Sandra settle into her favorite sleeping position laying on her right side facing him, her head resting against the left side of his chest, her arm wrapped around his waist, and her leg resting on his. He waited until she was comfortable and then brought his good arm up behind her back, pulling her too thin body in closer still. “And he was alright with that?” he whispered down into her silky hair. He felt Sandra’s shrug and heard laughter in her sleepy voice.
“I did not wait to find out. When his back was turned, I pressed the mute button on the alarms and slipped out. He has not made any effort to recall me, so I suppose he has accepted my ‘discharge,’ as irregular as it was. He can always have Computer monitor me. And I will sleep better here, with you. Why were you on my side of the bed?”
Alan shrugged, it seemed too foolish to admit that he was trying to find a way to get close to her when she was now here in his arms. “Just trying to sleep. G’night, love.”
There was no answer but a sigh.
Alan closed his eyes. As he drifted toward a meaningful sleep, he realized now that he wouldn’t have to say anything. His dad had had the right of it after all.
MGK