Light from the blank slate screen bounced off Kate Goldburg's face as it provided dim illumination in the otherwise almost completely darkened room. Kate sat on the couch, feet propped on the coffee table before her, slate resting against her bent knees. She stared ahead of her, eyes focused on something distant in both time and space.
Across the room, the hallway door opened and Joel Siddle, Kate's significant other since just before Breakaway, entered. He frowned momentarily, trying to place the unusual light source, and saw Kate nearly hidden by the shadows, but for the light on her face. He closed the door and crossed over to sit beside her on the couch.
"Kate, you okay?"
It took a moment before Kate turned her head to look at Joel, and when she did, he could see the drying tears on her cheeks. It took a lot to make Kate give in to tears, and there were only one or two things that could push her to that point. Siddle reached for her and pulled her into his embrace. His arms went about her and Kate rested her head on Joel's shoulder.
"Nightmare?"
Kate shook her head and took a deep breath. The nightmares didn't come very often any more, Joel helped to keep them away, but Kate knew she would never be completely free of them. Her ex-husband, Eric Lang, was the reason she had the nightmares, the reason she would always be troubled by them.
Eric was suave, charming, attentive, handsome, romantic, and damn good in bed. They'd lived together nearly three years before they married. She and Eric had five years of marriage behind them when things began to change. The changes were subtle at first. Eric became less attentive, less interested in sex. Kate attributed it to work related stress, and tried not to take his mood swings personally. She should have. She would have saved herself a lot of mental and physical pain.
Kate realized more was wrong than work related stress when Eric began to openly flirt with other women while in her presence, and at the same time, show extreme jealousy if she so much as glanced at a man who was passing by. His flirting soon turned into a series of one night stands; Eric's 'slut of the day' she had christened them. The night she walked in on Eric and one of his bimbos having sex in their bed was the night the stuff of her nightmares began. Eric was upset and angry that she had interrupted his 'fun', and once he sent the tramp on her way, he turned his anger and frustration on Kate.
Eric started screaming at her, calling her all sorts of hurtful names, accusing her of any number of untrue acts which Kate later learned he was guilty of. When she lost her own temper and lashed out verbally, Eric hit her so hard she went to the floor, stunned. He took advantage of that and began to kick and beat her. Kate did the only thing she could - curled into a ball to protect her head, and will herself to stay conscious, no matter how much it hurt to do so. Eric's anger eventually burned itself out, and he stormed out of the house.
That first time he hadn't caused much visible damage. Kate was able to cover the bruise on her cheek with makeup and spent some time in the whirlpool to ease the stiffness and soreness she felt. Two days later, Eric sent her a large bouquet of flowers, and a note of abject apology. She knew she would not be able to completely trust him ever again, but Kate was willing to accept his apology.
Everything was fine - on the surface - for a few weeks, even though Kate knew he was still cheating on her. At least he hadn't brought anyone else home when she was there, even though he seemed to delight in leaving the soiled sheets and items of intimate apparel that didn't belong to her where Kate could find them. One night his pick-up lines must not have worked, for Eric returned home, just this side of drunk, and tried to grope her. Kate told him to forget it, that she wasn't going to have sex with him until she was certain he hadn't caught anything from one or more of his sluts.
The bedroom was dark and Kate didn't see the blow coming. Eric hit her in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her. From there he proceeded to beat her, dislocating her jaw, cracking ribs, splitting her lip and breaking three teeth. When she was in too much pain to move or fight back, he'd raped her, all the while demanding to know what it felt like to be one of his sluts. Again he stormed out, leaving Kate terrified, in pain, and too confused and upset to know what to do. Finally she called Helena.
She and Helena Russell had met through Helena's first husband, Lee Russell, when Kate was assigned as dietician to the Astro Seven mission that had been captained by Russell. Helena and Kate hit if off right away and became instant, life long friends. When Helena arrived and saw what had happened, she was in shock for only a moment, then began to assess the situation and Kate's condition. Kate had never seen Helena in 'full doctor mode' before, but was glad of it then.
Helena called 911 and stayed with Kate when medical help arrived and while police questioned her. She was beside Kate in the Emergency Room and saw her settled in her hospital room, encouraging Kate not to leave out any details, no matter how painful they were to recall, when the rape counselor talked with her. Helena helped Kate get settled at a shelter for victims of Domestic Violence, knowing she would be safer there than if she stayed with Helena, for that was the first place Eric would look for her. Helena advised Kate to take advantage of all the therapy and counseling offered through the shelter, emphasizing that she was not to blame and had no reason to be ashamed.
That was when the nightmares began; when Kate began to heal physically. She was told the nightmares were to be expected and were one of the ways her mind would deal with the physical and emotional trauma she'd sustained. By the time Kate was ready to leave the shelter, she had learned how to cope with the nightmares, and even spent several nights without being awakened by them. Those were the nights she had stayed with Helena, the nights she had someone there with her. Kate filed for divorce from Eric, collected her belongs while Eric was out of the house - those few that he had not trashed or destroyed, and left the key on the table.
Kate found an apartment in a security building, returned to work and began to put her life back together. Eric was not about to let go very easily. He started sending her flowers of apology at work. At first the notes were innocent enough, but when Eric learned her home address and began to send gifts there, Kate grew alarmed. The accompanying notes were less amicable and soon became threatening. He discovered her unlisted phone number and left threatening, accusing messages on her voice mail. When she instructed the apartment manager to refuse any deliveries she had not pre-approved, and had caller rejection installed on her phone, Eric started sending her threatening mail and e-mail. He began trying to see her in person to give her the deliveries that had been refused. He followed her when she was in public, waited for her outside work, and stalked her when she took steps to sever all contact with him. No amount of legal action against Eric made any difference.
When their divorce case went to court, Eric made certain it was as messy and nasty as he could make it, even though Kate was only asking for half of their jointly owned property holdings, and to be released from the marriage. When the divorce was granted, Eric went ballistic. The judge ordered him confined for psychiatric evaluation. He somehow passed that evaluation, and when Lang was released, he stepped up his efforts to terrorize his ex-wife, who had taken back her maiden name of Goldburg. The threats became far more intense and graphic, the stalking increased, and Kate's nightmares became more frequent and terrifying. She finally accepted a posting on Moonbase Alpha in order to escape Eric. Just over a year later, Nuclear Disposal Area Two would go up, sending everyone on Moonbase Alpha into space.
Eric Lang was arrested and confined for extensive psychiatric treatment when he was apprehended trying to sneak into an Eagle hanger in Texas, intent on stealing a craft so he could go to the moon to make sure Kate wasn't seeing anyone else, for although the judge said they were divorced, he didn't accept that ruling; he wouldn't tolerate her seeing anyone else so long as she was his wife. Among his many psychological problems it was discovered Eric Lang was a sex addict, and had contracted AIDS from a 'slut of the day'.
Even thousands of miles away from Eric, the nightmares continued to haunt Kate. The doctors said they probably would never completely go away, but Kate found that if she was with someone at night, the nightmares weren't as bad, and sometimes didn't even wake her. It mattered not if that someone was a friend, like Helena, who sat beside her and held her hand, or a lover like Joel, who held her close and comforted her.
Joel saw a moment of pain flash through Kate's eyes and knew she was remembering everything that contributed to the nightmares. He placed a kiss on her forehead and held her close, pulling back to meet her gaze when she shook her head, the movement causing her slate to slide from her lap onto the couch cushions.
"No,... not a nightmare. Rachel."
He squeezed her gently, taking her hand and entwining their fingers.
"Why were you thinking of her?"
"I... had lunch with Helena today. Richard is old enough to be in day care now. Helena has gone back on duty and has stepped up her efforts to collect donations to the egg and sperm bank, to safeguard the human race against possible extinction in case all these kids they are popping out are not enough to keep us viable as a species. She was teasing, and asked me if I'd consider donating, since I wasn't using any of my eggs."
Joel looked puzzled. That didn't sound like the kind of thing Helena would joke about, especially with Kate.
"Kate, why would she..."
"Helena doesn't know, Joel. You're the only person I have ever told."
He sat up and at stared at her, eyes wide with disbelief.
"How can Helena not know? It's in your medical records."
Kate shook her head and pushed away from Joel, standing and pacing away into the shadows. Finally she turned to face him, her eyes damp with tears.
"No, it isn't... When I had the screening done, I used a false name. You were allowed to do that, just like for the HIV screening. The doctor gave the test results to me and I never saw a need to have those results added to my records because I never expected them to be a factor in the survival of the human race."
"Kate, you need to tell Helena. She'll understand, she may even be able to help."
A bitter laugh escaped Kate and she shook her head, wrapping her arms about herself.
"How, Joel? I've known about this since before I met Helena, almost since I was a kid. I've never wanted anyone to know, anyone but you, so you'd understand. My God, Joel, I've wheedled details about Helena's sex life with Koenig out of her. How can I suddenly tell her this?"
Joel stood and crossed to stand in front of Kate. He placed his hands on either shoulder and met her gaze steadily, firmly, gently.
"She's your friend, she's a doctor. She will understand, Kate."
"I don't want to re-live that, Joel."
Kate shook her head and allowed Joel to take her in his arms again. She rested her head on his shoulder, the tears coming anew. Joel just held her, his heart aching for this woman; his mind amazed that Kate had shared with him details about her life she had not shared with Helena. He held Kate closer, knowing that very few had ever seen her so vulnerable and in need of re- assurance and comfort. Kate was usually the one to offer those forms of support. Joel was glad he was there to provide it when Kate needed it.
Helena sat forward and reached across her desk, taking the framed photo Kate Goldburg held out to her. Kate's expression was one of sadness and grief, but also one of determination. The door to her office was closed and Helena had left word she was not to be disturbed for any reason other than a system- wide emergency or if there was a problem with Alex, Emma or Richard.
Turning the photo around so she could look at it, Helena glanced up at Kate, then back at the photo. It was of a little girl, about seven months old. She had dark hair that fell in ringlets about her face, and dark eyes reflecting the laugh that was bubbling from her at the moment the photo was taken. Helena had never seen the photo before, but the child looked much as she imagined Kate had at that age.
"She's adorable, Kate, a very happy child."
Goldburg nodded and reached to take the photo back. She held it gently, tenderly, as if she were actually holding the little girl rather than just her photo. Helena swallowed. This was an aspect of Kate she had never seen before.
"It was taken when she was six and a half months old. I was off camera, making her laugh. She was born two weeks after my fifteenth birthday."
Helena was silent, watching Kate as she studied the photo, then looked up to meet her friend's gaze. Kate laughed sadly and shook her head.
"Do you have any idea how... humiliating and embarrassing it is for a fifteen year old girl when her parents have another child. I mean, all your friends know what your parents have been doing..."
Helena chuckled slightly and sat back, knowing well the reactions of children that age, and the teasing Kate had been subjected to. Kate smiled ruefully.
"Anyone but you would have asked if she were my daughter. Joel did."
"I know you've never had any children, Kate. Your medical records prove that."
"Sometimes the medical records are wrong... or incomplete, but you're right, I've never had any kids, and I never will. Rachel is the reason."
Kate looked up to meet Helena's gaze again. She was curious and concerned, but astute enough to not ask questions, and to let Kate do this at her own speed, in her own way. Slowly Kate smiled, remembering.
"When Rachel was born, I was mortified. I refused to go see her and Mom in the hospital, and I stayed at a friend's house for two weeks after they brought her home because I didn't even want to be in the same house with her. My Grandmother got wind of it and put her foot down. She made me go home and stay there. I didn't like it and I wouldn't even look at Rachel, but we were in the same house. When Rachel was six weeks old, Dad got hurt at work. Nothing major, but Mom had to meet him at the hospital. Rachel was napping and Mom didn't want to disturb her, so told me I was to watch her. I was of course less than happy about it, but I didn't have any choice. Mom and Dad were delayed at the hospital, so when Rachel woke up, I was suddenly forced to learn all the baby care stuff I could have picked up from watching Mom. Rachel always woke up laughing and happy... I think if she cried a lot I would never have let my guard down, but... By the time she was three months old, we were best friends. With Gran's help, I took Rachel to have this picture taken as a surprise for Mom and Dad..., kind of as an apology for being such a pain-in- the-ass-bitch before and just after she was born."
"You were fifteen."
"Yeah, I was fifteen... A month after we had the picture taken, Rachel got sick. She couldn't sit by herself any more and she had trouble crawling. Mom claimed it was an ear infection affecting her balance, but it didn't go away. Rachel just got worse... Nobody would tell me what was wrong with her. Dad refused to talk about it, Mom kept saying it was just a cold or just this or just that and Rachel would get better... I even called Rachel's pediatrician, trying to find out what was wrong with her, but because I wasn't her parent, they wouldn't, couldn't tell me anything. No matter what Mom said, Rachel didn't get better and after a few weeks I realized she never would. She died a month after I graduated from high school... from Tay-Sachs disease."
"Oh my God. Kate..."
Tay-Sachs attacked the affected child's nervous system. By age five to eight months, normal development ceased and regression set in so the skills a child had mastered, such as sitting up, crawling, or turning over were no longer possible. The disease was progressive, with more and more physical and mental abilities being lost. The child would eventually go blind; experience seizures and convulsions. A child affected with Tay-Sachs rarely lived past the ages of three to five years old. It was agonizing to watch, and even with treatment advances made in the years before Breakaway, there was no cure.
Helena stood and came around the end of her desk to kneel beside the chair in which Kate sat. She covered Kate's hands, still holding the photo of Rachel, with her own and met her gaze. Kate swallowed back her tears, determined to tell Helena everything.
"Mom would never admit Rachel had Tay-Sachs, and Dad always refused to talk about it. I had to figure it out for myself... We did a unit in biology about genetics and genetically linked diseases. The brief description of Tay- Sachs was so much like what Rachel was going through... I asked my teacher for more information, and he was able to give me some - enough so all I had was more questions and no answers. I tried to research it in the school library, and then the public library, but small town libraries had very limited resource materials then. The one general medical encyclopedia I found had less useful information in it than my biology text. It was the late 70's, well before the age of wide spread home computers and the internet was still over a decade away... I didn't know where else to look. I finally went to Gran and asked her. She said Dad had made her promise not to tell me, that both he and Mom had known they were carriers, and didn't want me to know until I was older, an adult, but as long as I had figured it out for myself, she wouldn't lie to me. Gran didn't pull any punches. I'm a lot like her that way, probably because I spent so much time with her when I was younger."
Kate smiled as Helena chuckled. Kate had always spoken her mind and laid it on the line, even if it was something you didn't want to hear. But you always knew were you stood with Kate, no matter if it concerned a new dress or the man you were involved with. Kate wasn't hesitant to talk about her life, but she always seemed to know more about you than you did about her. Now Helena understood why. Some parts of her life were just too painful for Kate to share.
"I wasn't happy with the limited answers I was finding, so Gran took me to see a friend of hers, a retired Jewish doctor who had treated some Tay- Sachs patients. He answered my questions, told me what to expect, and said the only thing I could really do for Rachel was to spend time with her."
"Kate..."
She looked at Helena levelly, knowing what her friend was going to ask.
"I had the genetic screening, Helena. Legal age was 21 where I lived, so Gran arranged for me to have the tests done without my parents' consent. I used a fake name and the results aren't in my medical files because, until recently, it wasn't an issue. I'm a carrier, Helena, just like Mom and Dad. The difference is I don't give a damn that many Jewish leaders hold the opinion that being a carrier is no reason - or excuse - not to have children. Even Gran's doctor friend told me it was my duty to have children, whether I was a carrier or not. But I just can't do that, Helena. I will not pass this on to anyone else."
Helena took a deep breath and stood slowly, nodding. It explained so much, gave her a better understanding of Kate's attitude toward children. Kate stood too and paced away to the far side of the small office before turning to face her friend.
"I watched my baby sister die of something that is part of me, something I can't do anything about thanks to a genetic defect in my ethnic background. I couldn't do anything to help Rachel, I can't change what is part of me, but... I'll be damned if I pass this... atrocity on to anyone else. I know you need all the genetic material you can get your hands on, Helena, but not mine. I won't risk having some child in the future die the same way Rachel did, or... have her parents and siblings re-live the agony of watching that child die, of having those images with them the rest of their lives."
Kate wrapped her arms about herself and took a couple of deep breaths to keep her grief and anger from welling up, but it came anyway. Helena came to stand next to Kate, and wrapped her arms around Kate as her strong and stoic and sometimes tough as nails friend cried, grieving for the little sister who never had a chance to grow up, who died a horrible death.
Slowly Helena guided Kate over to the couch in her office. They sat and Helena held Kate until her sobs began to subside. She sniffled and wiped her tears away, blowing her nose on a square of cloth Helena produced from somewhere.
"I never told anyone about this, Helena, no one but Joel so he'd understand why I refuse to have kids. God, I want to. I hate pretending that I don't like them when every time I see one, all I can think about is Rachel, and think the parents of that child don't know how damn lucky they are to have a healthy kid that will actually grow up."
Kate finally looked up to meet Helena's gaze, finding only compassion and sympathy reflected there. Helena took her hands.
"Kate, I am so sorry... Damn! I never would have made that crack about your eggs if I had known..."
Helena shook her head, embarrassed and angered with herself, but Kate gave Helena's hands a squeeze and also shook her head.
"Don't Helena. You didn't know because I kept this bottled up inside, ashamed to let it out. Actually, your comment is what got me to thinking, what helped me decide I had to tell you, and that I needed to have this information added to my file. Your crack, and Joel's gentle insistence that I had to let you know I have a valid reason for not having kids."
"I'm glad you did tell me, Kate. This isn't something you should have to handle on your own. How did your parents react when you told them what you had done?"
"I never told them. Mom died denying that Rachel had Tay-Sachs, and Dad still wouldn't talk about it. I think he knew I'd learned things on my own, that I knew what had killed Rachel, but I never told them I knew I was a carrier. I don't think they could have handled the knowledge that one child died of the disease while the other had the potential to kill their grandchildren. It was easier to let them think I was perfectly fine and would rather have a career than a career with kids. Had I told them I knew, and was determined not to have kids, they would have insisted I talk with our Rabbi, who would have spouted some garbage about the chance of passing the gene along was not an acceptable reason not to have children according to Judaic law."
Helena studied her friend, slowly shaking her head.
"That doesn't sound like you."
"No, it doesn't. Maybe that's why I'm so outspoken and meddlesome with my friends - I'm making up for not being able to confront my parents and have them face up to the truth."
"No, there's nothing wrong with trying to protect the people you love... Kate, will you allow me to do the genetic screening again?"
"Why?"
"For my own peace of mind. I trust my own results more than I trust the results of a nearly 30 year old test, conducted at a time when such screening was still relatively new and the techniques less accurate and refined than what I'm able to achieve."
Kate smiled in spite of her emotions. Helena could be damn stubborn when it came to medical procedures, and she would feel better, hearing the results from Helena, even if they were the same as she'd been given before. Kate nodded.
"All right, but no one else is to know about this."
"Promise. Come on."
The two women stood, left Helena's office and headed for Helena's lab. The genetic screening Helena conducted confirmed and re-enforced the one Kate had done as a teen. She carried the defective gene that caused Tay-Sachs disease. Kate again sat across from Helena in her office as Helena relayed the results.
"I really wasn't expecting any other verdict, Helena."
"I'm sorry, Kate. I needed to know, to be sure."
"I know. No one can ever accuse you of not being thorough."
"Kate, I'd like you to consider some alternatives you may not be familiar with."
"Gene therapy? Enzyme replacement? I've kept up on the research and treatment advances, Helena, but there is still no cure. You can't give me a one hundred percent, iron clad guarantee that any of those treatment methods will be effective, will keep the defect from being passed on, can you?"
Helena sighed and shook her head.
"No, I can't. Results have been encouraging, but... not one hundred percent effective."
"I can't risk it, Helena."
"All right, Kate, I understand. Will you think about something else?"
"What?"
"Think about contributing to the gene bank anyway. I can make a strict notation on your sample, be extremely specific as to under what circumstances your genetic material might be used - guidelines you and I will draw up together, guidelines to which you will agree."
Goldburg shook her head dubiously, studying the arrangement of nicks and scratches that marred Helena's desk.
"I don't know, Helena. So may things could still go wrong. Even with all the safeguards and securities you suggest, there is still no guarantee that someone one hundred or two hundred years in the future wouldn't disregard those instructions as being excessive or alarmist or completely unnecessary. Your word carries a lot of weight now, but that far in the future, when you and I are nothing more than names on a roster that now and again pop up in history lessons..."
"I suppose that possibility could exist, Kate, but nothing is a complete guarantee."
"Except a hideous, heart wrenching death by Tay-Sachs if a child receives two defective genes."
Kate met and held Helena's gaze defiantly, and Helena had no choice but to agree. The doctor nodded.
"Yes..."
Kate sighed heavily then met her friend's gaze. She knew Helena only wanted what was best for her. She'd seen Kate through some of the worst times in her life during her marriage to and divorce from Eric. Kate also knew Helena was trying to offer her some hope, a chance to have a child of her own. But every time she thought about it, an image of Rachel, in pain, no longer even able to cry because her nervous system was so damaged, came back to her. Kate knew having a healthy child of her own might help to lessen that grief and anger she still felt, to dim that image, but as Helena just said, nothing was a complete guarantee. She was no more assured of having a healthy child than she was of having one with Tay-Sachs, especially since Joel's ancestry was Jewish as well. She'd defied traditional teachings and Judaic law on this all her adult life. Joel understood the reasons for her decision. She hoped Helena would too. Kate took a deep breath.
"I've never admitted wanting kids to anyone but you, Helena, but... I just can't. I don't dare risk the chance - small as it may be - of passing this on to anyone else."
Helena nodded slowly, accepting Kate's decision. She reached across her desk and took Kate's hand.
"As a doctor, I had to try. As a woman, as a mother, as your friend,... I completely understand. I could do all the gene therapy I wanted and I still couldn't promise you, one hundred percent, that I'd be successful."
Kate breathed a slight sigh of relief.
"Thanks."
"Anytime. I'm your friend first, then a doctor. At least where you are concerned."
Goldburg smiled with resignation.
"I really wish it was all different, Helena, but wishing doesn't make it so. 'If wishes were horses, beggars might ride', or, in my case, at least havekids."
"True, and no, wishing won't make it so. Will you do one thing for me?"
"Sure, ask a favor after I've bared my soul to you."
"I know you'll give me less of an argument this way."
"Cheater. What's the favor?"
"Keep in mind that, should you ever change your mind, your genetic material will be a welcome addition to the gene bank. Egg and sperm donations are the easiest way to get genetic material and information, but they aren't the only source."
"You just don't give up, do you?"
Kate's exasperated tone caused Helena to chuckle and shake her head.
"Would we all be here if I did?"
"No, I guess not, but... I won't change my mind. Helena, I probably have no right to ask you this, but..."
"When has that ever stopped you?
"Never, not where you are concerned. You and Koenig..."
Helena understood what Kate wanted to know, and suddenly understood that some of Kate's dislike for John all these years was concern for her. Not all of it, but some. Kate didn't want her to endure what she had with Rachel. Slowly Helena smiled and gave Kate's hand a squeeze.
"I do know how lucky I am - we are - Kate. John is not a carrier, he asked for a screening to be done after... after I lost our oldest son. None of the children are either, as confirmed by the routine genetic screening done on all newborns. As far as we can tell, John doesn't have any family history of Tay-Sachs. I do understand."
Kate swallowed and met Helena's gaze with a look of relief and a bit of envy.
"So does Joel. You and he are the only two people whose opinions matters to me. The rest can think what they like, and I don't give a damn."
"I'm honored."
"You should be. Now, I'm leaving and I may very well get drunk, so no lectures or cracks about hangovers tomorrow."
Kate stood and headed toward Helena's office door. It opened as she was about to step out, and Kate turned back to look at her friend.
"Thanks, Helena... Another one we've survived. I think I owe you now."
"Don't worry about it. I'll call you when we need a sitter."
"Oh, great, smelly diapers and baby spit-up. I can't wait."
Kate made a face and left Helena's office. Helena smiled after her, then turned back to her computer screen, nodding reflectively. She thought about all Kate had shared with her, not even wanting to imagine what it had been like for her to watch an innocent and happy child slowly being killed by such a hideous disease. Helena shuddered.
* * * * *
* * * * *
Amanda Russell
December 12, 1999